Summer Camp for Guys

*Disclaimer: This piece was written with the intent to make people laugh. Any joke that offends you was not intended that way and I suggest you finish reading the piece before writing a blog post about it. Nothing included in this piece is to be taken to heart and is simply for shiggles. I understand that some jokes my be offensive, but this is my sense of humor. I wanted to express this before I am cancelled.

Summer camps still exist and this is how to survive one.

Step #1: Don’t let your parents sign you up for summer camp to begin with. Summer camp is a waste of time and money and is basically your parents telling you how much they can’t stand to be with you.

Step #2: If your parents sign you up for summer camp, despite your cries for them not to, don’t go by the name of which they sign you up as. The other kids will look up your old tweets. And if your name is the same as one of the girls at the camp, be prepared to be called hot by a bunch of guys. This is not a good thing if you’re a straight guy. If you aren’t a straight guy, enjoy as you please.

Step #3: Make sure you pack enough appropriate clothes. If you’re 14 and still wearing Paw Patrol shirts, prepare to get stoned. Not the good but illegal way. Wear clothes that show you have dignity, but this doesn’t mean to dress like a business golfer or someone who retired at a young age.

Step #4: Make a maximum of three friends. Two guy friends and one girl friend. The second guy is so then rumors don’t spread and the girl is for insurance.

Step #5: Try to be a funny guy. Make it clear you’re joking in case someone believes you’re speaking truthfully. Make jokes that are on the edge, but not so much that people start to think you’re a psychopath. Have a wide variety of jokes in your arsenal and be a fun guy to be around. Make people laugh and they will want to be around you more.

Step #6: Bring your own water. Go to your local supermarket and take at least 12 gallons of water. This will give you a sense of security knowing that the water was purified enough to sell at a store. The water at the camp will probably have a faint taste of your own piss. You might as well have your roommate drink from the faucet, gargle it in their mouth, then proceed to transfer the water into your mouth.

Step #7: During your stay at the camp, always (ALWAYS) know whose socks are whose. Your risk of foot fungus rises the second you put on another person's socks. And, as most men know, socks may have multiple uses. A personal puppet show, if you will.

Now that you know a brief overview of summer camp, now we get to the real specifics. These are the things that will have the greatest impact on your experience and what you will end up lying to your parents about when they ask about your time at camp.

*Step #8: Lie to your parents about everything. If they ask how the counselors treated you, tell them what they want to hear. Don’t tell them about your alone time with Ms. Catherine, trust me that if you aren’t over the age of 14 just yet, it won’t be a regret of yours. Think of it as a story to tell when dark humor is appropriate.

Step #9: Don’t lie so much to the point that your parents believe sending you to summer camp was a good thing. This you are gonna have to judge on your own. Make it seem as if you enjoyed your time, but not so much that they believe you would like to go again next year.

Step #10: Always know where your phone is and what you leave open when you turn it off. It is becoming easier and easier for the common person to hack into what you believe is a secure device. Also, make sure that your “My Eyes Only” password on Snapchat is not the same as your password to unlock your phone. Make sure your eyes are the only ones that get to see that tab.

Step #11: If you bring a laptop that has a flash drive alongside it, that’s a recipe for your own humiliation and everyone else’s enjoyment. Same as the phone, make sure you know what is on your computer and how to explain why it is on there. When new information comes out, questions arise that you never knew you would have to answer.

Step #12: Make the best of it. You most likely don’t know anyone there so the pressure of meeting new people is the same as everyone else. Unless you’re a sociopath. That’s something to work on. Make people remember you in a good way by helping them enjoy their time at camp as well.

Follow these steps and your summer will fly by. And then you can tell your friends all about how you spent your summer reading a book about summer camps after they are done telling you about their trip to Florida. Their loss, you learned while they got burnt/wrinkled. Summer camp still sucks, but it won’t suck as much if you master these steps. Or your family is rich, which in that case, this book is a waste of time.