Penis Plants and Other Carnivores

WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT? Welcome to the world of carnivorous plants.

Nepenthes aka. monkey cups or penis plants and other carnivorous plants are kinda my thing. I hope to share a whole lot about these guys in the future. But today, let's educate you a thing or two about the relationship some people have with these phallic species that I find to be a beautiful plant to display for the world to see. Dunno about you.

Having my own plant shop where many different people walk in everyday, I've noticed a particular niche of people are drawn to the carnivorous plants we have available. Usually, I get women collecting green foliage and a sundew or two to keep their gnat population at a minimum. But occasionally I'll have slightly strange, weird, older mummy's boys-kinda-men comment on my penis (plants). They'll touch them, shake them a little to be sure it's really eating flies and sometimes if they have a phone they know how to navigate through, it becomes a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" sort of scenario. Just casually.

Honestly, I don't mind. I'm a female who has recently become an avid collector of carnivorous plants and since it's not a plant for everybody because it's "not pretty" or "not rare" I feel like I can really connect with customers more on a nerdier level when fellow collectors express the same amount of fascination as I do. I just wish there were more younger females who are into the hobby as well, you know?

Whoever thinks they're not pretty or beautiful or don't suit their aesthetic... haha get the fuck outta here. They come in an eclectic variety of hybrids that show a lot of greens, reds, pinks, purples, blacks and so on. Not only are they STUNNING and come in an array of shapes, sizes and colours to suit any environment, they attract annoying, buzzing pests flying around. Whatever fits their mouths, it will and can eat and digest. They're like the perfect wingman. They show the world a dick pic so you don't have to. They make you look good because you're in touch with nature and shit. They've also got your back by working for you in exchange for water. Not a bad relationship, if you ask me.

I've found that one peculiar common interest people have with nepenthes is their reproductive biology - hell yeah I'm guilty of this. You can only identify the sex of a nepenthes once it flowers. The fun part doesn't start at the pollination process but really, we all find it intriguing to guess what the first flower is going reveal itself as. I know to the normal eye, it's kinda boring and kinda stupid but believe me when I say its a wild game. You see, once the flowers have taken shape, a female will eventually look pear-shaped. Like ovaries if you will. And at their tip, they can be sticky, this spot is called a stigma. A male however, will reveal circular buds which you might as well identify as its ballsack which contains the pollen. Naturally, insects will pollinate the flowers, but like the curious human I am, I've read you can also hand pollinate them. Dab them balls on her sticky stigma and hope he she's receptive. It's a little weird knowing the normality of forcing a plant to have sex even exists. Hopefully, by the end of autumn you'll have seeds to sow with fingers crossed you'll eventually see hundreds of baby penises emerge one day.

Through the unusual but also very relatable conversations I've had with male customers (and boy do I have stories), I've found that there are Facebook groups that hold tens of thousands of members who all share this connection with carnivorous plants. Not only that, but these small communities will hold meet-ups all over the world so that people spend literally the whole day, selling plants, talking about the same plants they're selling and eventually exchanging social media handles only to talk about said plants some more at another date once the day is finished. And let me tell you a thing, these people will talk about the same plants over and over again as if its fresh knowledge they've learned recently. I'm not going to lie, this is my life. Although I haven't participated in a meet up as I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared to socialise with more older males who have been in the hobby for decades longer than I, I'm sure there'll be a time in the future where I might just surprise myself of my social capabilities as I'm sure there will be at least SOME people around my age who I can slip casual innuendos into conversation with without feeling weird.

I hope you enjoyed this little piece and maybe I converted you into playing around with the thought of keeping a nepenthes? Maybe? No? Okay.

Nepenthes chart source.