Intrusive Thoughts & Imperfections as a Writer

Death. Something everyone experiences, but not everyone gets the “luxury” of imagining it.

This is something I am sure that none of you would ever choose to visualize, nor I either — but here I am.

Mental illnesses can do some crazy things to the human mind AND body. Some things that most of us never correlate to our illnesses, but they are connected. For example, anxiety manifests not only mentally but physically too.

Yay, more pain!

Just kidding, no yay from me on that one. I am hoping my subconscious doesn’t try to avoid the topic at hand here, as that is self-sabotage in action. This is a critical story for and to me to write, and I think if I can fully open up, it will do wonders.

Today, we are going to talk all about the land of intrusive thoughts.

What is an intrusive thought?

An intrusive thought is pretty much just how it sounds, a thought that intrudes into the mind that portrays something undesirable to simplify it to start.

It can be anything, though it will be very different for each and every one of us. Not all of us with mental illness will experience having intrusive thoughts, either,

So there is a little bit of positivity within all of this darkness for some of you lucky folks.

Intrusive thoughts are sometimes referred to as racing thoughts as well.

But for me, lately? My intrusive thoughts have been surrounding death. Not like suicidal thoughts, and not suicidal ideation as I did not want this, but I visualize my death every single time I go to do something. I just end up picturing the absolute worst-case scenario that is highly unlikely to occur.

For example, I go to plug in a cord, and I receive the blessing of a fucking visual similar to a GIF in my mind that portrays my death by electrocution.

Not only do I get to see the mental GIF vividly on repeat for about two-five minutes, I feel something too. Something similar to a sensation of pure cringe-like pain flowing and coursing through my entire body — like the flow of electricity.

I am driving, and I think to myself, “What if you rolled the car, like right now? That would be neat, look!!!” and then I have a mental GIF of me rolling my car, and it explodes, then both I and the vehicle caught on fire.

I am in the shower, and as the water touches my skin and I look down, I wonder to myself, “what if a demon or something crawled up out of the drain and killed you? Nifty! Have a nice look.” And then I will visualize something, something very dark in the most literal sense, climbing out of the drain halfway, and it pulls me down and kills me.

Now, are these things logical? [outside of maybe the first one, maybe.]

Hell no. I know this completely. But does it change the fact I am still visualizing these scenarios? Nope!

It is so hard for me to open up. It is honestly because I block out and mask almost everything immediately after it happens, sort of like a mentally ill Dory from Finding Nemo…

I genuinely wish I was not this way. Although it does make for excellent writing material.

Don’t even get me started on the paranoia that comes with it, and paranoia is never what the stereotype makes out to be for all of us who suffer from paranoia, seriously. We do not all think that the “Illuminati is out to get me” or some bullshit like that. Paranoia comes in stages, and granted, I am not saying that there is no one like that because I would be lying.

I am a true master at hiding and masking how I feel and what emotions come with it. So much of a master that I can’t even recognize them, nor how I genuinely feel. This results in a lack of communication, despite having nothing but pure support all around me…

Can anyone else relate? Do you suffer from vivid intrusive and paranoid thoughts like me? Please do let me know, or simply highlight whatever you can relate to, as I would absolutely love to know what my readers want to read more about. This is important to me to connect with other readers and writers and lift each other up, give advice or constructive criticism. Maybe you’d just like to say hello — that’s fucking cool with me! In fact, I would love it all.

In my opinion, a good story or article should always try to spark conversation with others, and it is the marker of a success story.

But in reality, all stories are good stories if you can read between those lines to see why you wrote it, and it might just take a couple of revisions — but you have got this, we all have got this.

I know I jumped around a bit. But I believe in, like I said, connecting with both other readers and other writers! So, I decided instead of bottling up everything to set myself up to explode, I decided to choose to write. Write and publish the most raw and honest story I have ever written to show you that perfection is a lie. We writers are not perfect, or at least this writer isn’t…

All over Medium specifically, for example, I see A LOT of clickbait-type headlines. I see endless “how to make “X” money in two weeks” or “do this simple thing that does nothing for the reader” and the classic “I made “X” amount of money/followers in “X” time.” Which, for that last one, it CAN be understandable, just not when it is pure clickbait garbage. It doesn’t matter “how well” it may have been written; this changes nothing. The fact the story does not match up with its headline, or it causes people in a vulnerable place to feel compelled to shell out money they most likely do not even have on “writing courses” that give you the same information that’s on Google for fucking views is bullshit.

If you can’t tell, I really do not like clickbait ANYTHING…

Now let me emphasize, I am 100 % not referring to everyone who uses headlines or writes stories like that, but there is far too much of it.

As always, I dare to defy the social [media} norms of a picture-perfect life and all these pristinely crafted and curated stories that, in the end? Are all the same. I dare to be different, to be unique, to be remembered — remembered as me.

So, here I am with one of many raw stories. Which, as I stated previously, may be a little all over the place with the topic at hand; I still hope you all have enjoyed reading this. I hope to see some future notifications from you all so we can see we are not alone. This is critical for a positive mindset!

As always, I thank all readers who may or may not have read this far for actually reading my article. ❤☪

Off to go write a new world…

Love,

☪❤☪ Amethyst ☪❤☪