"Do what I say, not what I do"

Most of us live in a society that tells us “you gotta be somebody” and that in order to “become” that somebody, you have to work very hard. Well, it doesn’t take much further thought to eventually discover that what society is really telling us is that 1)we are ‘nobody’ and 2) you have to struggle just to be [somebody]. Alongside our value and worth that’s established by this societial expectation, the other societal expectations of what “success”, “inclusion”, “kindness” and “power” are are just as high. These high expectations tend to instill more fear than encouragement and we have all discovered that leading through fear simply does not work. The reason being that it sets us off to our natural instincts of fight or flight.

Some people may fight, while others may choose to flight. Being overcome by fear may look different for all. However, most just “play dead”. The people that allow this fear to overcome them are forced to “settle” at a normal 9-5, “settle” in their relationships or “settle” for being a nobody. Whereas others (the very few select) are the Bill Gates', Elon Musk's, Kobe Bryant's, Tiger Woods', Tim McGraw's and Madonna's of the world. However, settling leads to dissatisfaction and unfulfillment. For those who choose to fight, well those are our winners! The CEO's and Leaders of their industries. According to society’s standards. But, we see that they’re in constant fight with themselves, with their careers, with their goals, with others around them. Unfortunately, those who choose to “play dead” are often found in lives of addiction, dissociation and oblivion. Seeing a fight, flight or play-dead society, one is left with one of the biggest questions in our lives— how come people stopped being kind, loving, accepting and tolerable?

Let’s take a step back. How many of you have heard, "do what I say, not what I do?" We've known that this is a standard set by previous generations. It's easy to dictate and tell people what they should or shouldn't do. We find that our parents, teachers, bosses and social media tells us what we should and shouldn’t do. As well as how we should and shouldn’t do it. Yet, the example is not always set by them. We have come to find that it is much more difficult to do what we're telling people to do, than it is to tell them to do it. Just as it's easier to hold other people to higher standards than we hold ourselves. Well this creates the ripple effect of

Am I wrong? I wish I was. You can establish expectations, but you will not see the proper effect and motion of them unless you are leading by example. It’s the same with, “stay out of trouble.” You want to know what the opposite of trouble is? Order, peace. Parents would not have to tell their children to stay out of trouble if they provided a peaceful, safe and orderly environment (home). Children would naturally seek the environment in which they are raised. Therefore, in order for parents to truly want their kids to stay out of trouble, providing that peaceful and safe environment is the only sane solution. Likewise, a lot of businesses are changing their standards from “do what I say not as I do” to “lead by example”.

Which leads to our subject, in order to establish acts of kindness we have to think with the same thought-process as previously mentioned. You cannot be a mean, difficult, vengeful or bitter person and yet expect from your friends, significant other, family or work team to be kind. I've learned this firsthand, from both my personal and professional life. Time and time again we continue to apply our “do what I say and not what I do” mentality in areas where it simply does not work. You cannot want your company culture to reflect a safe, fun, warm and kind environment when the standards set by leadership aren’t followed firsthand by them. You cannot see acceptance and inclusion in your neighborhood if you do not provide it for your home. Martin Luther King Jr. said that “darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” Yet, we continue to apply our bitterness, dictatorship, intolerance and rejection to issues and problems that require kindness, love and light.

SO, the real question…. how do we get those positive energies, emotions and qualities in order to be able to share them? The real reason why changes are not sustainable once they’re implemented is because, well IT’S HARD! All of the work comes from within. Because, you cannot share something you don’t have, right? You can’t have something you didn’t develop. And unfortunately, most of us don’t have —or even know about — the tools needed to develop these things. Below are my personal steps I’m going to take to foster kindness and inclusivity in 2022.

Step 1: Real self-assessment

Well, in order for me to be able to lead by example, I have to first do what it is I will be leading. Which means, I have to start with myself. If I want kindness, grace and forgiveness, I have to be kind to myself and I have to be gracious and forgiving. I have to constantly check in with myself and follow my progress. What am I doing to be the person that I want to be and not the person my habits or subconscious has made me? Am I following what society is telling me to do, to be where society wants me to be or am I doing what I want to do and am I happy with where I am? If I'm expecting my family, loved ones or co-workers to treat me a certain way, am I treating myself that way? Am I smelling and appreciating enough flowers? Because that's what I like to do.

Step 2: Daily reflection/meditation on quotes.

Choose three simple quotes or simple reminders. Remember, the easier you make your goals, the kinder you are to yourself and the easier it is to meet them. For me, I chose four simple quotes from Peter Sage:

“You cannot consistently perform in a manner that’s inconsistent with the way you see yourself.”

In order to, day in and day out, practice kindness and inclusivity, I have to believe that I’m a kind and inclusive person. I am giving myself the objective to do something kind as well as something inclusive that I can write down in a journal every day. Seeing the consistency of every day’s writing will allow me to change the way I think of myself as an inconsistently nice person or inconsistently “good enough” person. My journal entries will remind me of my discipline and prove to me that I am consistently me.

“People will never rise above the opinion of themselves.”

In order to, day in and day out, practice kindness and inclusivity, I have to view myself as a curious person. Curiosity will allow me to remain open-minded to learning about different cultures. Instead of seeing someone who is different from me and rejecting them, I can use my curiosity to ask questions about why they think they do or how they would do things differently than I do. I have to view myself as someone who’s humble in order to remember that I do not know it all and that I am not better than anyone else. I have to view myself as someone who is working on herself so that when I see someone make a mistake, I can understand their shortcomings because I understand my own.

“No one can ever love us more than we love ourselves.”

This is probably the hardest because it encompases all of the above. Through my shortcomings, inconsistencies and negative views of self, I still have to give and show myself the love that I deserve. I’ve come to believe that self love alone can solve 99% of your problems. Self-love is the path to loving and accepting others. And loving and accepting others is the path for a kind and inclusive life.

“Nobody changes because you tell them. People change because they’re inspired to change. And we can only inspire them by being the example and the invitation.”

As I continue to establish myself in these roots, I will see the changes I need to provide the world around me with that kindness and inclusivity. I will be able to be the example that others need regarding what kindness looks like. My priorities will shift therefore my expenses will too. This will allow me to focus on giving back and find other ways to include my monetary currency with my invaluable, like my time. I hope to start setting time aside to volunteer, write about these subjects, reach out to other communities, speak about recovery through my own, sponsor kids/ people/ animals/ projects/ research, etc.

That’s it. Two simple steps that will continue to change my world. Two simple steps to help me believe that I am somebody and that I am needed in this world. Two simple steps to help me realize that if I'm needed, so are you.

I hope they help and that you can maybe even implement one or two in your own life. Because kindness, inclusivity, respect and love are attainable in our communities, we just need to set the example and be the inspiration.