Why I Will Never Make Any Money Writing

Yep, I suck at writing

If you are anything like me (trust me, you are not), then you suck at writing. That said, just because you suck at something doesn’t mean you can’t make shit tons of cash by doing it. Look at this very website. There are a few truly great writers who regularly contribute, some pretty darn good ones, a few more OK ones, a shit ton of average or below average ones, and the remaining who probably make up just over 51% of the writing population here, the terrible, horrible, downright craptastic ones. Oh, and then there’s me. I will leave it to the reader to decide where I fit in on that sliding scale of trainwreckage, but that is really beside the point. The point is that there are a boatload of writers in that 51% who are making gobs and gobs of cash by writing. Yep, you read that correctly, you don’t have to be one of the greats, or average, or any good at all, to fulfill your dreams of endless bags of cocaine and supermodel blowjobs by the gross, through writing. Female dreams and your own dreams may differ slightly from mine of course.

And, no, btw, that is not my dream in case you were wondering. I was just trying to be funny, and failing terribly, as is my typical style, and a pretty good example of just how bad I suck at writing.

Sucking at writing does not preclude one from making a lot of money from writing. Using words like "preclude" regularly typically does

In any event, being sucky at writing has not stopped many people from making very good money doing it. (In any event? Who says that? That would be me, my writing style. Example number two of my aforementioned suckiness). Therefore, just because I suck at writing does not necessarily mean I could not make any money at it. And yet, I do not make any money through writing, and the chances are very near absolute metaphysical certitude that I never will. With the ability to unleash razor sharp logical arguments like that one it’s no wonder I made it all the way through college and graduate school to earn a Ph.D. And with writing ability at a level where I would think ‘razor sharp logical arguments’ would be a good turn of phrase it’s no wonder I suck at writing.

Since my logic is sound and my writing is sucky you might be wondering why then I am so certain I will never make any money at writing. It is really very simple, it’s because I never make money at anything I do, and I never have.

Wait a second Dan-o? you are probably asking yourself, if you are not dozing off slightly from boredom, You have a Ph.D., don’t they make bank? I mean all that school and shit, to make it through all that, aren’t you basically guaranteed a life on easy street? Well my italicized thought having friend, you are wrong. While it is true that for many, perhaps even most a Ph.D. is a ticket to, if not the good life, at least the OK life, for myself things have not turned out quite as well. Thus I find myself once again living in a shithole apartment and driving my mom’s (now officially owned by me! I got it as a gift) 2015 Honda Fit. Yes! To tell the sad tale of woe that once again brought me to this lowly place would make a great story. Unfortunately since I suck at writing so bad I am unable to tell it in an interesting or at all memorable way. Take my word for it, sad tale of woe, many stupid decisions, end result, Dan is still poor and he still sucks at writing.