Why I haven't quit my part-time job yet.

There are a lot of reasons why I haven’t yet left my part-time job of 4 years.

What I thought was just a temporary job in my university career, turns out to be my main source of income (right now), which is still temporary. I feel pressure from my parents (especially my mom), who well, wants me to do better, but think that a ‘linear’ path is a 'successful' path - like my dad, and that path worked for him. For me, not so much.

In the midst of moving my things from my house in the last week, she said, "There must be something you can do with your degree"

Today I had an epiphany at work. I am 24 years old. I am young and healthy, and I am working at a part-time job to make money, when I could be doing anything with my young life. Literally any fucking thing. I could be working from my house and selling my artwork. Hustling like no one’s business. But why don't I?

Sin city’s cold and empty, no one’s around to judge me.

That’s literally how I feel when I’m in my apartment.

I have an apartment now, and it is great, it is truly a dream come true. I’ve been dancing as I’ve never danced before. I can be myself like never before. I feel that I am this caterpillar, slowly transforming and elevating into a butterfly. A high-frequency butterfly. Transformation takes time and you have to be patient.

So when I’m at my part-time job, (which I am good at by the way, customers think I’m the fucking manager sometimes), I feel like I just don’t belong there. I feel like I should be creating art or at least finding a different job that I genuinely like, and making money that way.

I’ve grown out of that sophomore job, and reached an expiry date. I want to work as a bartender or something or a fucking host or even selling weed. Just anything is fucking better than wrapping pitas. Then why not quit right now?

I’ve become too comfortable for a long time, for four years. I find myself adjusting my schedule for the next couple of weeks for that job and ask myself when will I actually quit.

And that’s another thing too. That’s one of the reasons I’ve stayed, is because you can literally adjust your own schedule and book time off whenever you want. Still, that’s not a reason to stay, if you’re not happy. If you dread walking into the washroom, wearing your work clothes, and looking at yourself in the mirror, and questioning,

"When will I have the balls to throw in the towel and walk out?"

I did try…two years ago but found myself coming back and the cycle repeated itself.

Because I was scared to jump into a deep end, that had all my dreams and goals jumbled up, but I was scared of the unknown and led to believe that the only safety net, was a part-time job. I didn't have faith in myself that I could survive in a big city, like Toronto. Faith.

That was one opportunity, that I let slide - but maybe at the time the universe didn't think, or I didn't think that I could do it. Too much change.

Until now. Until being in the midst of change and evolution and faith.

As sad as it is to say this, I don’t think I believe in myself as much as I want to. I’m more on the end of, “What will people think?”. “What would my parents think? They think going to university promises you a job - and well yes, it does - then why haven’t I landed a job that I ‘studied’ for, like so many other students and young people who are working at a Mcdonalds or a tossing chicken wings, after graduating university to save money. There’s nothing wrong with that, that’s not what I’m emphasizing. I’m questioning with compassion.

It makes me realize that school or formal education, is not the only way famz, it’s not. It takes belief, and I just need to remind myself, that, hey, I can do this. I can be successful with my art, and live the life of my dreams with my art.

I just need faith. In me.

I feel like it's just a matter of time. A matter of more faith in myself. I'm dedicating myself to my art, a lot more than usual since I've moved into my apartment with my fiance.

It's consistency, mindset, faith and self-love.

I can do this. I can live the life of my dreams. I am worthy of everything I desire. And so are you.