What will you be?

There was a book I read as a kid. I don't remember the title and Google seems to only want to pull up one written in 2021. That is most defintiely not it. It was my favorite book though and I feel as if I almost imagined it at this point.

I remember some of the lines, it was about Halloween and described several different costumes. "Halloween is coming, what will you be?" was a common group of words on several pages.

I loved it because I loved costumes and dressing up. One day though, I realized... that book wasn't just about Halloween anymore. The question seemed to be something cropping up more and more in real life. "What will you be?"

I was subjected to a lot of weird things growing up. Part of me thinks we all were, but when I do open up- the looks I get and the amount of "bless your hearts" makes me think otherwise.

That's neither here nor there and I'm not really here to give insight into my childhood and teen years. However, that book seems to pop into my mind randomly as of late- and those words, "Halloween is coming, what will you be?" feel somewhat heavy.

If you had asked me as a child what I would be, I knew the answer! It was so clear. Somewhere along the lines, people ruined it for me... and I just let them. Why does that happen? Why do we let people get inside of our heads and change everything that will never even affect them? And why even when we know it's happening, do we not stop it? Or is that just me? Am I crazy?

What are you gonna be when you grow up?

A singer!

You can buy (insert parent here) a house! You will have so much money I can be set for life! But.. I don't know these songs. Why would I watch them?

What are you gonna be?

An artist!

You will make so much money! You can support (insert parent here) !

But why is your art so weird?

What will you be?

Definitely a makeup artist!

Makeup is fake! Can't you just be yourself? You look so much better without all that crap all over your face!

What will you be?

A special effects makeup artist..?

Monster is bad for you. You would have a better chance doing this in Hollywood than you would in Texas. Waste of time.

What will you be?

A model?

You don't in front of a camera- you belong behind one.

What will be?

A writer! Definitely a writer!

That story is so long! I don't have time to read all of that.

What will you be?

A poet?

Why is it so dark? I don't want to read something like that.

What will you be?

I'm gonna make dolls!

Those are too expensive!

What will you be?

I'm gonna make jewelry!

I don't wear jewelry...

What will you be?

A wife.

You're oppressed. Marriage is just a piece of paper and all men are horrible. He isn't good enough. You need someone like so and so from this TV show I saw.

What will you be?

A mother.

You're pregnant?! There are too many grand children in our family already!

What will you be?

I made my son his own Super Mario room!

Well why give it to him?! You know how much money you could make if you sold all of that?

I give up...

Well why..? You're just wasting your talent.

This probably feels like rambling. And maybe it is. Maybe I'm just having a rough day, I don't know. I just find it strange that family is supposed to support you.. but why is it they only seem to want to support you when they think they can use you? Why is everything about money and why do people only celebrate you when you have what they think is the potential to make it? Why do people only support you when you have already made it? Why do they feel entitled to know everything that's going on but don't feel an urge to help you become what they think you have the potential to be? Is this just me? Do all artists struggle in this way? It feels lonely here.

I always tell myself I am done. Feels like a lie though, because I always find myself coming back thinking things have changed. It feels like the direct definition of insanity...

I don't really know what the moral is. I'm not really giving up on any of the things I love doing. I'm just going to keep my audience as small as possible and see what I do for exactly what it is- something I do because I love doing it. Not some get rich quick scheme. If you take anything from this messy thought process, let it be that. Don't let others take away or distort the things that you love. Not everything has to be done for money or gratification. It's ok to do the things you love simply because you love doing them. The people who refuse to cheer you on probably never will. It hurts, but it's ok... because the people who do are genuine, and worth so much more than any person who just wants to use you.