Time to say Goodbye

I believe this will be my last year on Vocal +.

When I first joined, I imagined I would be able to get enough reads to cover the costs of the membership, or closer to anyway. Alas, this has not been the case, and I simply cannot afford such unnecessary expenses. I've cancelled other subscriptions and things in order to cut costs, but have been reluctant to cut this. Now I think it's time. My membership expires in November, and I will not be renewing it.

That being said, I have enjoyed being a Vocal + member. Before hearing about Vocal, I experienced some major writer's block. My work is mostly poetry, though I've tried my hand at short stories, and have had ideas for a novel or two, but those have never gone far. I've always been a bit of a sporadic writer, feeling inspiration hit at the oddest times and then going months or years without writing anything. Every New Year's Eve I would make resolutions about dedicating more time each day to writing, even if it was short periods. It would last a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, and then life would inevitably get in the way and other responsibilities would take priority. Vocal + has helped me work through some of this. It's given me some new ideas and inspiration, and provided a bit of an outline for more discipline in my writing. I have written more in the past few years than I had for a long time. I have tried to enter as many contests as possible. It felt good to have a creative outlet again. It was also somewhat demoralizing.

I know I'm not some fantastic, dazzling writer. I have never thought I was. But I thought I was good. Good enough to take some pride in it anyway. But being a Vocal + member has made me doubt this. Firstly, I often have difficulty completing pieces for contests. I think I have good ideas, but then lack either the time or the inspiration to finish. Secondly, I've gotten hardly any reads. No one has taken notice of me. Now, getting attention was not the reason I joined. I've never cared about people liking my writing. I don't write for them, I write for me. And yet, the fact that I haven't gotten much attention makes me feel like I've failed. Like my stories and poems aren't good enough for people to read. Like I'm not nearly as good as I thought I was. It's a shot to an ego I didn't know I had. I look at the Vocal home page and see the featured stories or people under the "Creators We're Loving" heading and wonder why. Why them? Some of them have very few stories posted. So what makes them so special? Or, more worrisome, what am I lacking?

This self doubt has almost stopped me from even writing and entering contests. After all, what's the point? And then I remind myself that the point is simply this - to write. To write because I love it. To write because it feels good and right. To write as a creative release. To scribble my mind and heart and soul on to that page and not care that no one may read it or like it. To write for me.

I resolve to make the most of my time left on Vocal +. To use the contests as inspiration to help work through writer's block, and as a tool to help discipline my writing and to learn about and explore new forms. I hope to enter as many contests as possible in my time left. And I will do it just for me. I will not be constantly checking how many reads or likes I have (or I will try not to anyway). I will not care what's in my wallet. I will not look at the home page.

I will just write.