The Un-designation of Uncle D

Urgent Notice: To be read ASAP!

This letter is directed to the ones who caused it. You know who you are...

Maybe you don't!

After you read the provisions set forth in this declaration you will know...

How and the hell did this even start? I'm beyond my wits tracing the timeline back to when it was okay for you to ask me for a ride...

Once upon a time, I enjoyed it! I couldn't wait to see all my nieces and nephews. And I had a great time creating a deeper bond with family members I rarely see. But it's gotten way out of hand. To the point where I don't even want to get in my own car!

You know what? I think I'll buy a helicopter. Always wanted one. Do they lease those things? Can't be more than a couple hundred dollars a month. But don't go getting any Ideas! It's going to be my helicopter! Not another reason for you to hitch a ride or ask me to take you to Japan or Africa or some place across the world. I don't think it can even go that far on one tank... Good to know!

If any of you are getting married or having a barbecue, fine! I'll be there but don't ask me to pick up Chiqueeta and her 8 kids! Or cousin Marve who hasn't tasted mouthwash in 20 something years! I'm no chauffeur, plus her kids get on my nerves, always asking me to turn the radio to that annoying-as-fuck, hip-hop station. And they're quick to point out my chronic dandruff, saying that it looks like my afro is snowing every time I jerk my head to watch traffic. I'm just trying get y'all wherever y'all need to get without causing an accident! Geez! Leave my blizzarding fro out of this!

I just thought of something... If I had been charging $2.00 per ride for last five years or so, that helicopter would already be paid for! But me? No! I'm Mr. Nice guy! Mr. got-all-the-time-in-the-world to prance across town to take y'all to get your nails did or... or to go visit Big Chuck down at the county jail. That man will be out in two months! Janeece can't wait that long to see him? I don't know why she needs to go every week! Maybe she's slipping him drugs or hoping for a conjugal visit... She better be careful or she might end up catching a case herself. And trust me, it won't be nothing like 'The New Orange is Black'. More like 'The New Black is Scared'!

Shame on y'all...

I condemn my own right to drive... It's probably not the correct word but y'all know what I mean and it's not a bad idea. I can't drive anywhere without a license! I might just rip it up or get a bunch of parking tickets and never pay them. They'll revoke my license for sure...

But I'm not going through with random ideas born of frustration. It's time for me to tighten my britches and quit being so nice! I love y'all but not enough to get carpal tunnel or go psycho and drive off a cliff!

So, from this day forth, I declare myself liberated. I don't care if that's not the right word to use here... It means I give up! I'm free! I quit! I can sleep in! That's all she wrote! Lamar Dennis Wiggins has left the building! I'm not only changing my phone number. I'm moving across the way and will never disclose the address! You can now skip thinking about me when you need to go somewhere! Call an Uber or a Lyft. Or take the damn bus! Gas don't grow on trees, you know...

I think that's all I have to say for now. Except for you, Marshawn! I got a different bone to pick with you. I know it was you who took my emergency KFC from the glove compartment. It was there yesterday when you got in and now it's gone. Plus, your greasy fingerprints are all over the dashboard.

Y'all done gone and got my blood pressure up! Can't believe I waited this long to let it all out...

-LDubs

***

Who the hell is this?

Why is Tamika calling me at this time of night?

"Hello!"

"Hey, Uncle D. How you doing?"

"Child! Don't you know it's 2am? What you want?"

"I was just wondering if you can take me to the mall in the morning. Rhianna will be there signing autographs. I got a ride back though, so you don't have to wait or nothing."

"Hold on for a minute."

See what I mean? They don't even care if I get sleep or not. This is the last straw! I was going to wait and post my rant-filled notice sometime tomorrow, but as soon as I hang up with her, I'm posting it! And who the hell is Rhianna?

"Tamika, you still there?"

"Yeah, Unc."

"Look, I can't give you an answer right now. I'm already scheduled to pick up Daryl from his baby's mama's sister's friend's house at 10am. Check your Face Book in the morning. I have a good feeling the answer will be there."

"Okay! If that means yes, I'll be ready by 8:15. I'll give you a wakeup call. Good night Unc."

Ungrateful bastards! And I know those are the right words…