The Oddity of Me - Pam Reeder

I've risen to the writers' self styled challenge of writing an "About Me" piece. Now, just where exactly should I start?... Let's go simple first.

I'm a 1959 model human. I embarked on adulthood after graduating high school in 1977. Horror of horrors, I wore the same dress at both my Junior and Senior year banquets. A lovely classmate made certain to announce that observation to an entire crowd. To this day, screw you V. I survived your attempt to humiliate me. I actually made that dress and wore it exactly twice. Now costuming is a thing for me. I have no shame in what I wear. I love bright, bold and odd. Why stifle and fit in when you can creatively express yourself? And if I like it, I'll wear it a million times, plus one. Or only once. But the choice will be mine and no others.

I've been married three times. It brings no shame to my game. Currently, twenty years to a most wonderful man. Funny story about how we came together. An online dating site -- indirectly. I was divorced for the second time and languished in abject misery for over a year before I decided it was time to spread my wings and seek companionship. But only after an incredibly harrowing experience. I had fallen to such lows that I preferred sleeping to being awake but wasn't afforded that luxury as much as I wanted because I still had a forty-hour work week to maintain and a seven year old to care for, and of course, bills to pay that were originally meant to be paid by two wage earners. But I was sort of like a walking hulk of nothingness. Pretend smile plastered on my face. Some of you out there know the drill. I had lost appreciation for absolutely everything. I remember telling my mother that the only time I felt at peace and happiness was in the velvety darkness of sleep that welcomed me like a lover and that I found myself never wanting to leave its arms. I thought it waxed poetic. She thought it sounded suicidal. I promised her I was okay. But I wasn't. I just didn't know it. When you're in the eye of your storm of depression, you can't see your way out of it. But there I was.

I remember the day it happened. Driving home, mind numb as usual. The rain had started. I sort of spaced out a bit. Alarmingly, I trance sometimes when driving. Long story for another time. But it happened that day and I nearly missed my exit off the Turnpike. Realizing I was upon it, I pulled hard to make the turn. It would be seventeen miles to the next exit if I missed this one and then seventeen miles of backtracking. That would be thirty-four miles and nearly forty-five minutes that I didn't want to deal with. The problem was, the road was wet, the exit was a sharp curve, and I hydroplaned. As I spun down the exit way, spiraling first one way and then another as I fought the steering wheel, I heard myself yell, "Oh god! I don't want to die."

A voice responded. "Take your foot off the brake." Then louder. "Take your foot off the brake!" and then louder still to drown out my panicked wailing. "TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE BRAKE." I snapped to and did as told. I took my foot of the brake. The car corrected itself and came to a halt on the shoulder. I was gripping the wheel for dear life. I was certain I must have blown a tire so I got out of the car and checked all four. All were fine. Then magically, a rainbow spread across the sky. Energy rippled through me. I felt hugged. And a whisper in my ear of a single name, "Andrew." Tears began flowing. Getting back in the car, I collapsed on the steering wheel crying in earnest. The dam had broken inside me. The wall of numbness I had encased myself in dissolved. "I want to live. I truly do. But I want someone to share it with that truly loves me. I don't want to be alone. Please help me." If this "Andrew" was still there, I hoped he would heed me.

It was after that, the ads began every time I got on the internet. Dating website. What a crazy thought. But what if.... What if...this was Andrew's way of answering my request? Wait. What? Am I completely freaking nuts? Andrew? Really? But, yes, really. You see, that is one of the many oddities of me. I believe in ALL the things. Guardian Angels. Spirit Guides. Familiars. Faeries. Whatever name you want to put on it. Yeah, so Andrew was a thing. A helper. So, I followed his lead. I joined the site. Right away some creeps targeted me. We'll just leave it at that. Nothing that blocking didn't fix. I decided that Andrew didn't put me on this mission to be passive. I had to be invested. So I started cruising the list. I selected someone about a hundred miles from me and sent a message. The conversations went well enough that it progressed to meeting for lunch. During all of this, website guy would randomly say, "You remind me of my brother-in-law." Ok, whatever.

But, that "brother-in-law" turned out to be the man that would become my mate of twenty years. It seems website guy was simultaneously telling his brother-in-law about me while he was telling me about the brother-in-law. So, once website guy found someone he wanted to date exclusively, he decided it was time to put me and brother-in-law in the same room. And so he did, at a Mazzio's Pizza place to be precise. We hit it off as though two pieces had become whole. It was a lovely courtship that became full blown romance and led to marriage. I'm both delighted and surprised that he has kept me for twenty years like a child that found a bright shiny penny and treasured it. I love being his treasure.

Other oddities about me I suppose is the way I "know" things without being told. I've utilized it since I was a child and no idea that it wasn't something all people do. I can sense the emotions of others. I can tell when things are off. I can tell when someone is holding back. I can tell when people are lying. I can tell when people are good or bad. People that can shield from me or fool me are scary to me. I don't use this to be intrusive. It isn't even something I "try" to use. It is just a natural part of who I am. But with this intuitiveness comes another realm to it. A realm that scares me even more.

I've learned to block it from happening so it only rarely plagues me now. I don't know if it is because I sometimes let my guard down or whether it is something extra strong breaking through. It used to happen to me when I laid down at night. An odd stage between not being awake but not fully asleep. "They" would come. Sometimes I would hear their voices. "Can you hear me?!" is very common. Sometimes I see an unpleasant scene. I'm being shown a story that lead to death. These restless beings lost in obscurity want to be found and known. They have stories to tell. They want to tell them to me. I have never yet found it in me to be strong enough to open that door and leave it open to help them. The horrors can be too much for me. The depravities of one human against another is a snake trail through madness that I don't think I could be strong enough to survive? Why?...

That brings me to the next oddity of me. I'm an empath. I readily feel the emotions of others as though they were my own. Sometimes I don't even know they aren't mine. I have to stop, assess, and dig deep. Are these my feelings? Or am I channeling something from around me? Often times it is the latter. It can make life hard. I've learned to use crystals to shield me and herbs and oils.

Which rolls into the next oddity of me. I'm a witch. If there is another word less startling or less repulsive to describe me, I don't know what it would be. Wise woman or cunning woman I suppose could be easier on the ears. But I do believe that we are weavers of the energies around us. That the vibrations we send out into the world respond in kind like an echo. The witchery I do is to compel me to send out the best possible energies so that my influence is positive on others and that I may pull back to me more of what I desire instead of what I don't. My practices can be wrapped in many words, but I choose witch because it suits me.

So many interests I entertain that I do none of them well. I like to play with my camera and do photography. My favorite subject has always been my daughter because she is a natural behind the camera. With her fashion sense, her beauty, and posing, she makes my meager efforts look much better than they are. But alas, with her living away from me now, there is hardly ever time to do so.

Other loves of mine are reading, historical myths, Arthurian legends, all things paranormal, witches, vampires, werewolves, fantasy, writing, books, books, books. Yes, my house is a web-tangle of too many books. What my house cannot hold, I have stored in my studio. I dream of a library to hold them all. It will happen. I'm 62 so I need to push that from the ether into this realm. Oh, and costuming, cosplay, entertaining, sewing, crafting. So, many things. But I do love fun clothes.

Me in one of my looks featured on my Silver Sass show. Silver Sass was/is my cheeky senior woman identity daring to break out of the stereotypes for aging women. The hair and glasses are also part of my Neon Gecko gaming persona. Raven Brunswick was another gaming persona. Yes, there are many mes. My husband got quite a bargain with me. In addition to the me he married, and those personas listed above, there is also Lady Dalyndra, Celtic Queen of Dal Riada that was my living history character. Rayven Michaels, my witchy and paranormal identity. Darcy Daniels, my psychic name when I worked for a psychic network (for only three weeks). Arminda Craft, one of my pen names. Life just seems to be more fun when I am acting out some persona. It is a creative outlet for me to be all of the things I want to be that isn't always acceptable for the regular me. Thank goodness for social media and writing. All of me has a place to exist.

So, with many of my oddities now laid before you, I wonder if you will stay in my friendship folder or go. It does seem to have a peculiar effect on people when they get to know me deeply. I'm talkative, opinionated, funny, witty, a fair story teller, and have a deeply ingrained sense of honor, integrity and justice. I don't always entirely fit in this world. But I intend to partake of life and living for so long as my husk shall allow it.

So, if you're still around, "How do you do? I'd like to get to know you, too."

A bit of grand fun Daughter and I had live streaming our attempts to put make up on each other wearing blind folds. I say I gave her some nifty brows and a lovely red cat's eye wing. She gave me silver eyeshadow since I'm Silver Sass. Alas, the good times we have when we stay young at heart and don't take ourselves too dang seriously.

My attempt to recreate art. Also from my Silver Sass show. For the two and half years I ran that show, I very much enjoyed my following. Sometimes I miss it dearly. But life moves on.