The Month Of April Isn't For The Weak

The Month Of April Isn’t for the weak in my home. For The last 5 years watching my son with Autism suffer with Disassociation Identity Disorder is the hardest thing to watch and the trigger month seemed to be in April. It was more consistent, and more intense. It becomes the month where my patience is really tested my son doesnt see me as his mom the protector he see me as the one that has harmed him. I could recall when the therapist finally took me seriously when I told her the first time it happened.

I was getting him from school, the first time it happened. His teacher brought him out, Usually I get a big grin. This time it was serious his eyes were dark. He obviously wasn’t there. Then that's when he called me by the name of the one who harmed him and went for me. I wasn’t mom anymore in his eyes. The teacher and I just looked at each other. With a confused look in her face. She said he had a good day. It happened that quickly.

On the way home, he would say, "Where's mommy" Some times I would have to pull over and stop the car. The eyes were so dark, we'd get aggression, sometimes meltdowns.

Mind you I already worked 8 hours in a very complicated special education classroom.

The month of April isn't for the weak

That day is still fresh in my mind when April comes. While I’m preparing for the worst, (It’s easier that way) I check in with his caseworker. She tries to ease the situation saying it may not be bad this time since he is not in his usual settings, and he is talking more. God I hope so!

Now The first couple weeks were nothing but tears, mostly at night. He acted as if it just happened yesterday. My heart just broke when he would say, “I just want her name to play with me.”

It seems the more engaged in activities he is in, I noticed the less he would talk about it. Gave it like a kept him in the present if that makes sense. By the third week we had one episode of DID. I can see all the early signs before it happened. But we got through it.

Then tears at night with nightmares, and at day he says, “I can see her she's always watching us.” But no one there. That still makes my hair stand up on end.

I decide to call the doctor when he begins to see things that aren't there.

I can’t help but smile thinking during the pandemic when I taught him how to meditate. Never did I think it would stick with him. Now he tells me when he needs to. Meditation is a great tool for calming down and destressing, especially during difficult times. I’m so glad he has picked it up and can use it to his advantage. It was worth the time and energy that went into teaching him!

That is what I hold on too those good memories knowing he is in there and get through the last six days.

Now the aggression has stopped since he's more verbal he uses coping skills with out being reminded and warns me when something is coming back. This year for the first time we could go out in April with small modifications. We were able to enjoy ourselves and create happy memories, something that seemed impossible just a few years ago.

I'm confident my son comprehends everything I've done, as he refers to me as his hero.