Show on profile. Restored.

As I browse my pictures on Instagram, I realized that I have stopped living. Well, I didn't know that I have stopped living. Or, is studying Medicine can really feel and make you like a dead person inside, emotionally and spiritually?

The thought to visit and scroll my IG feed just came by, without realizing it would bring me back memories that were already forgotten. I saw pictures of me with my family and friends, of the times when we get together or celebrate, or just to hang out. I saw the times when my friends used to invite me for their important events, the time when we come to my college city and invite my friends for a mini reunion. I saw the times when my Mother celebrates her birthday or it's Mother's Day, and I would surprise her with flowers, balloons and cake. I saw pictures from way back 2018, the time I didn't know that it would be the last time that I would see my childhood friend before she moved abroad. I saw pictures of me and my high school best friend with her boyfriend that time now-already-husband. I saw a picture of me and my childhood friend standing side by side during the time when we were still living in our birthplace. And I realized, studying Medicine made me a dead and boring person unintentionally. Or is it the way of living that I chose? What was only a "I want to but can't because I'm busy or have many things to do became years of reasoning and even a habit. An escape even for when I didn't know what to say and explain anymore in the hope that they would understand. At first they said they have understood and it's okay. At first they would still include me in the invites even though they know that I have classes and can't come, but as the years went by they have stopped including me, or I think they have forgotten me already; subconsciously thinking I am busy anyways.

As time goes by, it became harder and harder in Med School. As you go to the next level, so is the level of difficulty, the number of subjects you'll enroll, the amount of readings and backlogs you'll encounter, and the to-do lists are unimaginable and unending. And then you'll have failures, along with your successes and part of you growing and maturing in the journey that you chose. Of course you'll experience it, nobody doesn't except those "geniuses" of the class I think? So you'll end up feeling and thinking like a failure even without people outside your "Non-Med" circle know what was happening to you day by day. Eventually, you'll feel shy and low. And part of your "hiding" is by being inactive in social medias and not showing anything so they'll not have clues as to what you're going through and hopefully they'll stop asking and updating themselves about you.

But then I realized, will I just let things like this forever? Being and communicating with family and friends is one of the best moments in the world, it can make us feel like we're on top in an instant. And the best part is when we can capture those moments and preserve it forever through pictures that we can just look back. Thus, as I open my IG account, I went through the "Menu bar" on the upper right side of my screen, click "Archive", chose the pictures with people, clicked "Show on Profile" and viola! "Restored!!" I reminisced each one and it never failed me again to feel like on top of the world!!