Request Denied

We aren’t where I want us! You continue to push the buttons that I place in front of you. Is it because you set standards that I reluctantly follow? Is it reluctant if it eventually works to my advantage? I’m sorry that I’m not a mastermind. I made contingencies for my failures. Moments where I wait and others where I follow a constant loop expecting change. You look me in my eyes to ask simple questions. My frustration isn’t the answer he enjoys hearing.

“Why do you act like such a brat?” he asks with a serious attitude. “ I give you happy tears and memories with melodies. I drive you home and all I ask is peace. Why…?”

You can hear the roughness in his fingers as he rubs the stress from the creased brow. You hear his tiredness. You see a man with a strong chest and arms punching at your insecurities. He wants you when you smile and makes excuses when you’re crying.

“How come I’m the brat when I want more? But you’re just a man whenever you come back. You’re the friend, the shoulder in every boyfriend's nightmare.”

He cuts me with a sharp sigh. It’s happening again. Here lies the (once was a girl) woman letting the (once was a boy) man get away with it. Will you go down the lane where he says you are right? Or should I say-

“ Fine, you’re right and I’m wrong like always.”

Is it worth it? Yes, because I’m alone. He helps me not want to be alone.

He ends the silence, “How many times do I have to say that we are friends? I love hanging out with you. I love talking with you. I love having sex with you.”

Such a sweet melody. I fall for it every time.

“You do not love ME!” I fall into my mind. Am I doing this again? This is the chapter where the sad girl reveals her true feelings for the1 5th time. Where she expects change. Will she think again “Maybe this time he will get it.” News flash, he gets it; he just doesn't care.

What to do? What to do? What am I doing? Why do I have to do something again? I'm tired and sad all the time. He is still talking but it's all mumbles now. I see the word gaslight on the internet so much it's not even a good weapon to get him to shut up. He won't even stop to see how he is wrong. If he is wrong then he is nothing. If he is nothing then he'll never be HIM. I'd never stab into his insecurities. I won't throw words at him until he feels worthless. I'll just let him do that to me.

"Hello, are you even listening?" his tone is cutting me again. "So typical of you to try and blame me and you're not even listening," he grabs my chin to make me face him.

He has such a sharp tongue to have with a smile. So many tears falling for a man without a heart. Stop crying for him! That smile wasn't made for me. I ask myself the same questions as the time before this.

Do I want him or do I want to be alone?

Is the only option to be alone?

I don't want to be alone and I don't want him. Of all my anxious thoughts only one was clear. Like crystal waters trickling through the rocks of a creek. So sure of an outcome that will allow the world surrounding it to change into something pure. There was a time my love was pure. It was a time before I met him. I hope for I time I won't meet him again.