Post Relationship Depression

It's been days since I've left the bedroom. I'm curled up on the bed trying to keep warm wondering how she's doing. I wonder if she ever thinks of all the damage and heartache we've been through and how she always started it all with her over the top dramatic outrages. I wonder if she's still blaming me for everything and avoiding taking responsibility for her behavior. Of course she hasn't. She's a narcissist playing the victim role and everything is always about her.

I try to remind myself to be grateful to be out of that toxic relationship. I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with life. But, I'm not even wearing shoes and I don't know how to get on with life when the only life I wanted was with her.

I lay in silence avoiding the things I need to do. The unanswered emails have piled up to an overwhelming amount. I should go to the gym and workout but all my gym clothes are dirty and I don't have the energy or will power to get up and do laundry. I should sit at the piano or play guitar but I have absolutely no motivation at all.

There's a foul rotten smell in the air that I realize is me. I haven't showered since I was at the gym three days ago. I cringe at the rancid smell of my own armpits. I'm a disgusting lump of flesh wasting time and energy worried about things I have no control over and can not change.

I sit frozen, doing nothing, as I think about all the things I want to do but don't have the energy to do. I miss the Honey Do List. There were always things to do for her around the house. From cleaning the pool, folding laundry, sweeping floors, yardwork, clearing out the drain of the AC unit that shuts down if the water backs up too much, and so much more.

My love language is most definitely acts of service. I miss the grocery store list we shared in the notes on our phones. I miss filling her tank up with gas, replacing the windshield wipers on her car, vacuuming it out after a trip to the beach, and the way she was so happy when I gave her a credit card for her to get her hair done and a manicure. I miss her smile and her laughter. I miss making coffee in the morning and placing a mug of it on her bedside table.

I must snap out of it. The bridge that spans the gap between us has been destroyed for the last and final time. There is no going back. Moving forward is the only option and way to break the spell and rise out of this funk.

I have to pull my head out of my ass and get my thoughts off of the past. I can't change what happened, how she treated me, or how I reacted to her outrageous dramatic outrages. They say "hurt people, hurt people." And no matter how much you love someone and want but the best for them and for them to be happy, you can not change them.

Her happiness is her responsibility. My happiness is my responsibility.

I must move forward. I need to focus on future based thought, where I want to go in life, and what truly makes me happy. I've got to be more light hearted and stop taking myself so seriously. After all, I'm just a vessel of energy experiencing time and space. I am not the thoughts, beliefs, or opinions that float through my mind. I'm not what I think I am or what others think I am. I'm just a shattered broken piece of Love trying to find the way back to the Source.

I haven't shaved in months. Maybe I should shave my beard into a big ridiculous mustache so that I can laugh at my own reflection and not take myself so seriously. Yeah, that's a start!

I think about the lottery and what I would do if I miraculously happened to purchase a winning ticket. I'd buy a small RV or campervan and travel to beautiful places in nature. I'd write and record more music. I'd write stories. I'd act again. I'd visit family and friends more.

What's keeping me from doing all these things now? I may not have the capital to purchase the campervan RV right now, but I could save for it. I don't have to wait for tomorrow or a stroke of luck to live the life I desire.

The only things holding me back are my thoughts and the limits they create.

I'm grateful to be out of a toxic relationship that help me back. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned when going through difficult times. I'm grateful the unlimited possibilities life has to offer. I'm grateful that she doesn't have the power or ability to hurt me anymore. I'm grateful that I'm finally pulling out of this post relationship depression.