@New York Desmina de Vil has entered the Chat

Good afternoon everyone.

Happy Labor Day. Just a reminder that many people are still forced to work today to uphold an economy that favors the rich!

I made it to New York! I know my billions of fans out there have been following my story on hands and knees and are oh so curious about my journey. I still have a bit of crafting to do but it seems necessary that I keep you all abreast on the latest Desmina de Vil news.

I’m staying at a lovely place in the Bronx, on a patio overlooking some body of water. Usually you can find me in Manhattan or Brooklyn but despite my most intense and insane efforts I am not yet a world famous billionaire, so I am trading my highly skilled labor of housesitting for housing. I took a nice little walk on the pier this morninh as I prepared myself for the week ahead. It’s currently Monday. I’m debuting the Desmina de Vil fashion line at New York Fashion Week on Friday.

Isn’t that just properly insane!

A couple of nights ago I decided to go to a drag show in Sacramento so I could get into the Desmina de Vil mood before leaving for New York. The steps of becoming Desmina de Vil are as follows:

Realize I am a bad bitch

Wear something daring or sexy

Put on clown makeup

Drag

Become unhinged

The last step is what really pushes me over the edge into Ms. de Vil.

So I was at the club after the Hibiscus Drag Show. Someone that probably doesn’t deserve my attention pissed me off. And then, pop! I realized, wait a second here! I’m Desmina de Vil! I’m a powerful Goddexx! I’m a divine deVil! I do what I want including showing in New York Fashion Week! Because I’m brilliant! Because I’m brave! Because I’m insane! Because I’m like, really, really hot! I should be worshiped!

Oh, there’s anger. Oh, there’s rage. Oh, there’s that indescribable feeling of being all powerful, and also like nothing matters. There’s that realization that existence is a big fat joke, a great grand cosmic delusion. My story is a movie for the eyes of the otherbeings. So perform Desmina! Write the story while you act. You are the deVil after all. You are a fool, a clown, a Trickster that exists for the entertaintment of yourself and others.

You are pure ego. You are transcendence. You are everything and absolutely fucking nothing.

I look into the mirror, the glass etched with a Flamingo. The air is pink. The music is bumping.

“Broken Mirror

Broken Glass

Step into it

Heads an Ass

Oh shit!

I’m in the Upside Down

Hello it’s me

Clown

Bitch”

I write a sick poem that I shouldn’t reveal yet because I never know who’s reading this. I text a massive fuck you to my ex because he deserves it. I post something unhinged on my instagram and then I delete it because I should keep some mystery about me.

Some guy buys me a drink because I’m mysterious and cool and shouldn’t be alone texting my friend on the dance floor ranting about boys.

“What’s your name?” He exclaims over the music.

“Desmina de Vil!” I pull out my ID.

“Oh wow that’s really cool! Where does it come from, your parents?”

“Yes, my mother. Cruella de Vil.”

“Haha.”

“I think it’s French.”

“So your background is French?”

“I took it in high school and college.”

After confusing said man I confessed that I legally changed my name to Desmina de Vil, and that I actually had a flight to New York in the morning. I explained that I had to get into character to prepare for chaos (for what? I didn’t tell). I looked up and gritted my teeth as my inflection changed, I was already in character. Hello, Ms. de Vil! I missed you!

“I have to be almost completely unhinged, but still hanging on by a thread. Because I can’t be fully psychotic.”

I think I was starting to scare him. He wished me luck on my trip and asked for my number. I gave him my instagram. @desminadevil on all platforms!

So I walked a few blocks in my lovely new stripper heels, stopping or being stopped by men. On my end I wanted to obtain free things from them and intimidate them. On their end, they were intrigued and interested in my demeanor.

“Why do you do your makeup like that?”

“I was at a Drag Show. This is how I do my makeup. How would you describe it?”

“Joker.”

“Crazy.”

“Scary.”

Ding ding ding! Yes, Desmina de Vil in the flesh. What a wonderful compliment. I love scaring men.

After finding some weed to smoke, making a friend, dancing at a club for a bit, and perplexing more people, I finally caught an uber home. The makeup comes off.

__________________

Even though I barely slept, the flights to LaGuardia weren’t that bad. My head was a bit buzzy from the hangover but my mom packed me a sandwich and I brought my Nintendo DS to play Kingdom Hearts on the plane.

I made it to the house in the Bronx. Isn’t this exciting! Life is a whirlwind. I’m in New York and I’m doing the damn thing!

I took a shower.

And then there they were.

The sobs.

The choked conversations with myself and Ghosts.

The anxiety and fear.

The hurt, pain, disappointment, and shame.

I just want to be loved. Why don’t you love me? Why am I so lonely?

I realize I’m just talking to myself.

I sit down on the floor shower and let the water pour over me as I hug myself.

I do love you. And I’m proud of you. We can do this.

What will happen when I become her? Will there be no turning back? When do I get peace? It feels like lately the times when I’m not her I’m waiting in anxious anticipation to become her. What happens after the chaos of New York? Do I have to keep up the act? Give myself fully to her? Or will I crash again? Find myself in a black hole again? Want to die again?

I remember that I am human. That the anger, pain and sadness we all feel are valid. That existence is a joke but it’s also very serious. And challenging.

I let myself feel the depth of my emotions. I breathe and cry through it.

I can explain this story a million ways. Why I’m here in New York doing Fashion Week. What I believe the performance of Desmina de Vil means. How processing my moods and emotions this way are helpful.

Really they are just words and explanations.

I am here.

I am doing this.

I am going where I am going.

I trust myself

The Universe

And the Joke.

Xoxo Desmina de Vil

P.S. If you would like to support my NYFW journey and the multi-media performance art that is Desmina de Vil please consider purchasing an exclusive Desmina de Vil graphic t or contributing to my GoFundMe. Muchos Besos!

https://www.customink.com/fundraising/desmina-de-vil-nyfw

https://www.gofundme.com/f/desmina-de-vil-new-york-fashion-week