Memories: 9 March 2023

9 March 2023

Lyn visited this arvo and brought a drawing ointment for the boil I have on my upper back. She put it on the boil and also placed a bandage, as I can’t reach it myself.

She is coming back tomorrow to see if the drawing ointment has assisted the boil to be drawn to the surface.

I feel quite unwell. Asthma and my left shin bone which I smashed a few weeks ago (I dropped of the hutch dresser on it), hurts like hell.

Oh well, at least the chronic upset tummy has eased.

I am hoping we can heal the boil without me having to get another large cut in my back. My back is full of skin cancer operation scars and looks awful. So if I can avoid yet another slash on my back I will be grateful.

Lyn also brought me meals to put in the freezer. Lamb shank bones and two big servings of spaghetti and meatballs. Chocolate and cake and even Schmacko treats for Beauregard and 2 Lorikeet treats for Charley.

I am fortunate to have such a wonderful friend come to my aid when I am so unwell.

9 March 2021

11:11pm. Another synchronicity. Wow.

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Yesterday I saw a new optometrist. He was lovely. Kind, professional, and warm. His entire family work in his business. Mostly women who were also very kind and caring.

He says I don’t have macular degeneration at all and to even suggest that was “theatrical”. I am so relieved. However I do have a tiny cataract which he says they usually blow out around the age of 67.

He says I do have tiny spots on my eyes from sun damage. (When I have money one day....sigh...I will invest in polarised glasses but I hate to think how expensive they would be. I didn’t even ask!)

We ordered new lenses through the MASS scheme which arrive in mid-April. (Sometimes they arrive sooner). I bought purple frames with a kind of tortoise shell patterning on them, which I am paying off.

I am very happy with my decision to find a new optometrist. He was a funny man. At one point when I told him I had gone blind for 5 days on an incorrect dose of Cogentin he said he bet I was happy I got my vision back and it was not permanent!

I replied “Fuck yes!” He laughed and said that in Greek that those two words mean “Lentils” then proved it to me on Google translation! I thought that was delightful!

He had a beautiful photograph of a Greek island which I admired. He said both sets of grandparents had come from that tiny island and that even today only 500 people inhabit it.

I remarked that everyone would have known each other’s business! But it was truly beautiful and it struck me that that island had produced such a beautiful family who were so very kind and decent! It warmed my heart greatly!

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11:11 am Angel messages: just Love!

9 March 2020

Yesss Tanya! You are always Happiness. They tried to kill that in you. Silence, strangle, rape, slander you. But you grew back your innate Joy and exploded like a supernova. Never forget. Happiness is the ultimate revenge. Smile.

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I have finished the antibiotics. My breathing is 90 percent better. I am still assailed by weird coughing fits but not as frequently. I hope and pray I am on the mend as it was such a long illness and I was becoming quite hysterical, living with Lady Death as a constant companion.

I mean, well, She doesn’t eat much or talk much but She was merging with my light body to the extent that my breathing was getting shallower and I was having trouble walking and was unable to do any housework or really feel at all Alive.

So when I finally called Azrael down, He had a good long look at me and held my hand then sent me back into the fray. By the time I got to my doctor on Wednesday, three days later I was already swinging on the other side of the pendulum of fate, and had 99 per cent oxygen saturation which didn’t seem right but those thumb monitors are quite science-y things and have literally saved my life before.

So now I am getting better: I have three old hat boxes to finish painting snd decoupaging. My mad writings to continue with. Love to be made. (Or co-created!)

The house is in darkness as it’s a rainy cloudy day outside. I am listening to the glistening life-giving water pouring down to earth and I am happy.

Water is life!

Today is Hannah Clarke and her three children’s funeral. (My father’s funeral also fell on this day three years ago, although I did not attend.)

I hope our government does something about the constant slaughter of women and children. I hope the foul handmaidens that I encounter who dare to call me “Victim” are severely punished for their smug evil.

I hope life gets better and safer for decent innocent people in general. We need a paradigm shift. Before it’s too late. I sense it might already be too late. But I have raised myself from my own gravel-rashed tortured life at the 11th hour so many times. So I know this society can do the same.

Choose Life. Choose Goodness. Protect and love those who are in need of Safety, with honour and integrity. Say No to Abusers, regardless of gender or agendas. Stand tall Sisters. Speak your truth. Dance.

Love yourself so beautifully that no foul evil perverted Bastard can ever make you doubt yourself again, so you never feel you have to crawl away and lick your wounds like a beaten dog. Look them in the eye. Watch them wither!

The gods have your back! Know it!

9 March 2019

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Busy arvo. I nailed the back on one of my china cabinets as best as I could (the back is shitty chipboard so is swelling arrghhh). Cooked myself a chicken tagine. Then just took Charlie and Beauregard for a walk around the block. Now my foot hurts and I still have dancing tonight. I might need a bit of a rest beforehand.

Oh and I trimmed Bobo’s forelocks. He could barely see outta them and looked like a weird scruffy alien dog.

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11:11 am. Make a wish

9 March 2018

I just saw a wild rainbow lorikeet visiting Charlie on top of his outside cage! Charlie has a girlfriend! (Or boyfriend). It flew away when I saw it as Bobo chased it. Awww!

So I have clipped Charlie’s wing as I am scared to lose him to the Call of the Wild like I lost Jesse many years ago. The new friend can visit (and make birdy num mum love) with Charlie in his territory.

I am so happy for him! Enough freedom to have friends but not so much that he risks dying in a flock of wild birds.

9 March 2017

I ducked out to the supermarket to buy Beauregard some bones and me some bare necessities. It hurt to get in the car, it hurt to get out of the car, it hurt in the shop, but I made it home.

I took some Panadol Osteo as my back and my neck are killing me now. I did a lot of work today. I can be satisfied for now.

Tomorrow is another day and tomorrow and the day after that and if I never make it, well, I will die a bum too lol. It's not so bad. Some poor schmuck will pick up my ashes. lol.

The Beau was seriously pissed off when De Mama went out in her cherry metallic car but when she came home with bones....well, she was quickly forgiven. He is now lying beside me on the couch, resting his jaws and feeling quite happy.

Sweet boy!

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I am frantically writing my book (or collating my book) like a demon possessed as I am so grateful and happy for the gift of the laptop and I want to get this done before some other horrible disastrous calamity befalls me (like the last 2 computers dying on me and not having money to replace or fix them).

Also I feel very strongly that it is time I got my book done. I have suffered horribly for no good reason and I don't know how long I have left on this planet and I want to leave my legacy behind to show other survivors that they are not alone, that their struggle is real and they are not crazy, that psychopaths and abusers have stolen so much from us but they can never steal our heart and soul. Never.

I also am conscious of how my father died a veritable homeless man in a level one aged care facility, still awaiting a housing commission flat, impoverished and leaving nothing behind but barely enough to cover his own funeral.

He left nothing behind to show of his dry wit, and incredible talent with storytelling. He was always gunna write his book (like his loser Daughter) and was always gunna succeed one day.

All he succeeded at was being a wandering star, like a tossed pebble across the water, gathering no moss and being loving and kind to no one. Utterly selfish in his quest of existence and leaving no one behind to truly mourn him (as the Arons women have mourned him enough), and all we can agree on is that he was one unholy cunt of a human being).

His funeral was attended by his lawyer. (I had been telephoned by her on Monday morning). What kind of homeless man enlists a lawyer to communicate with his daughter? To manipulate her to take his ashes? By his own admission he said he didn't care what she did with them. But the lawyer begged me to take them. “They belong with his family”, she said. “You are his family”.

No, I am not. I am the last of his line. The last of a line of lunatics that caused mayhem and suffering, child sexual abuse, drug addiction, trauma, did I mention trauma?!

Another young first cousin named Raewyn Phillips died here in Brisbane at the hands of her bf. My uncle flew here from NZ for her funeral. When I was told she was beaten to death, I was aghast. My father and his brother just shrugged. “What could we do? She always had a chip on her shoulder!”

I was livid beyond belief. All these years I had lived in Brisbane I had not known my cousin was also living here, struggling with domestic violence, and drugs. I could have done something for her. Even if only to get her out of that hellhole, perhaps before she was murdered. But I was never told, and my father and uncle never really cared enough.

A chip on her shoulder? Who wouldn't, with such weak cowardly spineless inadequate men as patriarchs?

My uncle was the 'good one' of the family, the respectable one, the righteous one. Is it righteous to shrug off the death of your twin daughter like it was just a sneeze?

In the same way was I cast aside as I was too damaged and too furious and wanted my family of perverts to hold themselves accountable for their neglect and active enablement of Trevor and for their emotional/physical/sexual/financial abuse.

No, I was vilified and demonised. I was the Truth Speaker. The Warrior. The fine example of who they could have been if they had at least tried to do the minimum of caretaking for others. I made them feel ashamed, and small and weak.

Such is life. I rise above them. In my own father's words to me as a young child. "Rise and Shine". I will never become like them. I was never like them. How it must have rankled? To see The Tanya survive. After each and every attack on her person.

All my life they made me out to be stupid and insane, unworthy and a failure. I tell you what a failure is! It is the cold blind unloving inability to step up to the mark to protect your children, to provide them with a safe home and to love them adequately or at least respect them.

It is refusing to believe their suffering, their experiences and envying their few successes and gloating and stamping them down in their crises. My parents and sister Angela failed me, as did my Uncle fail Raewyn.

They came from their own abusers, as in my grandmother Eva Meyer. They KNEW better but were suffused with greed for the almighty dollar and building assets which ultimately were stolen from my mother by conartists anyway.

The Wheel of fortune keeps turning, like a fucking centrifuge in a fairground attraction. Let them fall away like chaff from the wheat. Ugly gloating greedy golems, all of them.

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My father's funeral and cremation today. I suppose they will post his ashes up to me next week. Ugh! Another ordeal for a man who never gave a Fuck about me or his granddaughters.

I am so sick of psychopaths!

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Sitting in morning sun having cuddles with my Beauregard.

I am Still in a bit of pain in leg and hip from my Pinched nerve. I woke up at 4 am and was awake for an hour. Got up at 9 am. Beautiful day. Hot again. But beautiful.

9 March 2016

I am having another nice day. Lyn just visited so we sat in between rain showers in the garden. Now I am back in bed, resting my turbulent chest.

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3.11 am. I have almost finished shredding the paper stock for making home made paper. It has taken me 2 weeks!

I watched Deadly Women, about sociopathic female murderers. It was engrossing. It made me think that, with my background of abandonment, abuse, trauma etc, that I am lucky to have not become a serial killer myself...yet! :-). It seems this was the background of most of these horrific female killers.

I can be grateful that although I was almost pushed to the brink of insanity by constant attackers I have managed to remain a sensible reasonable sort of person. Even perhaps, nice. Shhh don't tell my enemies. It behooves me well that they perceive me as a homicidal maniac. Just in case.

But so far, of the 12 people on my hit list, 4 have died of natural attrition, one completely humiliated herself on National TV so that was satisfying even if the evil psychotic bitch is still alive, and the rest...Psy Sighs... The Karma train will have left the station. I guess if I am lucky God will let me find out how he wreaked justice on my behalf.

In the meantime, happiness truly is the best revenge. It took me decades to discover what true happiness even felt like. So I am really quite satisfied. God has let me taste happiness, vindication and a measure of peace in my Sacred Space garden with my animals, true friends and valour.

What more could a girl want?

9 March 2015

8.30 pm. Just woke up. Got home at 3.30 pm and zonked out cold (or rather hot actually!). Boy, was I tired. It just hit me like a wall!

Feel much better now!

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I may be getting a maltese terrier. Lyn is bringing him over soon. If he doesn't try to kill the cats and the chooks, he will have a new home.

I dearly wanted a Pomeranian but I couldn't afford a puppy.

Hopefully this little man will like all of us (within reason!) The cats will have their noses out of joint for a while but in a short time, the harmony will be restored.

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I have had a lovely lunch with Crystal. We went to Woolloongabba to go for a tea reading but the shop was closed. So we had a lovely lunch instead at Barley and Rye. The food was delicious!

Then we had cake and coffee and read each other's cards with the tiny tarot cards I keep in my bag. We looked around the shops too.

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I have to laugh. Last night while dancing at the casino "Stalker No 2" Antonio told me if I ate limes and a healthy diet I would drop 25 kilos.

He himself is a short chubby man. I laughed it off and rubbed his belly and said "you can talk!" He has dropped a few kilos though.

I told him, "well I do grow a lime tree but I don't intend to drop 25 kilos." Lmao!

Diet advice from a male suitor was a tad inappropriate. Funny though! The funny thing is it was the most actual English he has said to me. He usually just gesticulates and I tell him off and tell him to use his words.

Ahhh, speech...so liberating!

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9 March 2014

Last night was perfect! The vibe was right in the pub so I was able to relax and be my own unique brand of awesome wildness. I feel so loved and supported by my women friends.

At the end of the night my friend Brian was waiting around outside. He shared his pizza with me. I bought a can of lemonade and shared my lemonade with him.

He asked for a photo with me, so I got Sarah to take some of us on my iphone. Then I showed him and he was thrilled like a kid. He then asked to look at the photos of us kidding around on the defunct motorcycle and we laughed and laughed in childlike wonder at our playfulness. Sweet man!

He gave me a big hug and I said "remember we are just friends, don't get too carried away" and he nodded happily. When we parted, as it was time to go home to Sarah's house, he said "I love you!" Sweet! So I said "me too, hon!"

Other men from the pub looked on in amazement. A crazy homeless man has better skills in how to relate to a woman than they do! I love it! I couldn't help laughing to myself.

On the way home, Sarah and I stopped in the drive-through of McDonald's and the young man serving on the intercom, completely made our night by openly declaring that he doesn 't eat their shit but the burger I ordered was the best of the bad food there. We howled with laughter.

I said, "Darling, I hope your superiors are not recording this convo or you will be out of a job!" He crowed, “I don't care this is my very last shift!" When we got to the window I congratulated him on his Celebration of Honesty (a term first used by my friend Jarrod, when he liberated himself from the Hell of working for my ex-husband in our business, and the boss that came after that, and yet another when he was practically indentured and sold with the business each time!)

This young man was good-looking, intelligent and an anarchist. I was rather perturbed to learn he was leaving Maccas for a career in the Army. I said "please reconsider, I don't want you to get shot!" To which he replied, "my mother said the very same thing as both my father and grandfather were shot while serving!" Then he laughed nevously!

I gave him a steely glare but alas family histories (or "curses") are destined to repeat in each generation until finally by the grace of God, someone breaks the pattern.

I shall pray for his safety. Such promise, such wit, such ebullient Youth, deserves to make old bones and a mark on the world!

When we got to Sarah's we ate and I slept next to her as we were utterly content and exhausted from our big nights out!

She made me pancakes for breakfast (Yum!) and together we watched Hauntings Australia on Foxtel. Then I finally dragged myself away as I needed to feed the hens and goldfish and Miss Penny who was relieved and happy to have De Mama home.

Last night Zeus and Hercules, Sarah’s 2 Bichon Frises slept on the bed and Zeus who is older and rather fond of me, slept in my arms all night and if I moved he snuggled closer with his back touching me, just like my Bella used to do. It was just so lovely and comforting!

In the morning (arvo!) I told Sarah how I think we need men who love us as much as our pets do, with complete loyalty, faithfulness, devotion, strength of character, protection and great affection! We both laughed, a tad with bitterness but I said "It could happen! Anything is possible! It only takes meeting The One!"

So my gorgeous beautiful young Sarah is going out again. I am so proud of her.

I pray she finds the Right Man for her soon! A man who will Love her completely, as she deserves and may she be blessed with a wonderful happy life! Amen!

Update 9 March 2021: Well that friendship turned into an evil Cesspool complete with her stench. Another narcopath. But I have done well in not inviting any more narcissists into my life, in recent years.

I have finally grown into my own Being enough to protect my heart and mind from those kinds of vicious capricious low level psychic vampires. Thank the gods for that!

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9 March 2013

I had a very mixed mood day. Broke, so I stayed home tonight. Thank you Sylvia for the inspiration. I will go out Sat night by hook or by crook!

I had a couple of energy shifts. One at 6 ish pm and another at 1 am. Powerful Love feelings. Maybe someone was thinking of me, or maybe I will meet someone nice soon? It was an odd feeling.

Well I am off to bed as it's 3.30 am..... Will be nice to see what later today brings my way. Good times, I hope :-)

9 March 2011

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Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons