Memories: 5 March 2023

5 March 2024

I was very tired today. I made my daily vlog for YouTube, then fell asleep on my couch waiting for it to upload which took many hours.

It’s now 8:30 pm and I still feel weary. I might go to bed early.

5 March 2020

I had a lovely visit from Lyn. We talked and laughed for hours. We sat in the garden until the midgies drove us mad. Then talked even more lol! Bobo was happy to see her as was Charlie! Feeling much happier now.

…

Here’s some happy news. My electricity bill arrived. I have been a bit worried as I have had to use the wonderful miraculous gift of the air con quite a lot as you know, climate change and old lady-itis was killing me.

But my account remains in credit! Phew! And phew! Yayyy. So relieved. No overhanging debts even with the extra usage.

So that is a bonus! I will leave the credit there though as Winter is coming.... we had almost no winter last year. I used the heater for only 2 nights. So perhaps this will alleviate my energy bills also!

One small mercy in my absurdist life.

…

I just received the claim forms for a class action for the pelvic mesh tape with Shine lawyers. Just the thought of dealing with lawyers ever again has made me feeling feeble in the mind, unable to think clearly. Cptsd triggered. I rang them to find out if there would be any costs and they said definitely not. If I claim I would be considered a group member. The deadline is 9 April 2020 so that gives me little time to decide if it’s worthwhile making a claim at all.

But as my symptoms are worsening in recent years I will put in a claim if only as a matter of principle as there are many many women who were severely handicapped by this and I figure mine will boost the numbers. I don’t expect to receive any or very much compensation as my damage has been mild compared to many other women.

I hope those women who were severely harmed by this get adequate justice as I know personally how that goes for women in the court system! Usually remarkably badly!!!

…

4:20 am. Not sleeping. But I slept a great deal in the past four days as I was too weak so now I have to endure sleeplessness again. Hurdy gurdy ride. My lungs are behaving better. So that is a huge positive.

I feel stupid as all this time I could have been taking my Seretide. Gahhh! But I hate steroids. Now one in my ear plus the Seretide. Oh well it is working so that is what matters. Prednisone did not even touch the sides a few weeks back, just made me hypomanic.

So here I go...slowly climbing up from that long bout of illness to perhaps get back to a much healthier state of normality. Fingers crossed.

5 March 2019

Watching “Roma” which is intensely harrowing. Incredibly well made film.

…

Pain in my left thigh (bursitis again?) and in left knee cap. My wrists ache too. I have been to my dr for the medical certificate for my drivers licence. I need one every 2 years due to my obstructive sleep apnoea.

So that is done. According to her scales (jesus!) I weigh 90.30 kgs. I thought I was 87kgs. So gaining weight rapidly and all she can suggest for my leg and feet weakness and chronic (now excessive!) fatigue is to lose weight, eat more vegetables and exercise even more.

Hmmmm. The dancing causes me to be incapacitated for 3-4 days after. So I had to cut down to one night a week.

I guess I could strive to walk more although yesterday’s long walk in the forest was difficult.

I know one thing. In spite of my many and varied health problems, I have outlived my own expectations. So I am one strong determined Mama T.

But today...I am aching and weak. I spent the afternoon, washing down paintings of Crystal and their frames. I ruined one painting which streaked paint everywhere. (She is gonna kill me) but the others came up lovely.

When everything is dry I will store them under the spare bed and cover themwith something so they don’t get dusty and grimy again.

Then hopefully she can take them to her new apartment when she gets a new lease somewhere. (Still storing her books and these paintings). Decluttering is hard when you are still having to store stuff. But I have managed most of it and feel very proud of myself, even if my body is collapsing now that the worst is over.

5 March 2018

Finally vacuumed house. Lathered in sweat. Awful! So humid today but got sick of living in my own filth.

…

No family today. Jarrod has extra work on board and Crystal is sick 😞.

But I am thriving! Just got out of bed as utterly exhausted from my Thrivin’ Jivin’ so needed extra sleep. I kept drifting in and out of unconsciousness like an evaporating cloud then saying “Nuh uh Fool, get back into the Astral you got healing to do”.

So would drift back into my subterranean world. So peaceful and pretty there. Lots of warmth and purity and light. Spirits helping me recover and I think (I don’t consciously remember) lots of downloading for the next part of my life mission. It feels like that anyway.

No idea what is coming but I pray only good and positive and life-affirming things.

Lots of love from my tribe!

5 March 2017

Epic healing taking place. Grateful and awestruck.

…

Jenny and Brendan gifted me with a laptop today. So wonderful. Thank you! I will be able to continue on with my writings. So grateful x

…

4.43 am. Home safe from another beautiful night. There was so much love in the room. I had some interesting reconciliations and conversations. The lord giveth and taketh away but then gives in abundance.

Feeling loved and blessed and grateful for the wildness and joy of my spirit which supersedes all obstacles in my path. I am a force to be reckoned with but I am also loving, patient and temperate even in my madness and grief.

Who's that girl, running around in the night?? Why, me of course!

There are things I have lost through no fault of my own and things or people that might yet find their way back to me in perfect alignment and perfect timing.

Love is the Law and it is eternal. Blessed be Adonai who hears my prayers and sees my actions and intentions, my stumbling, crumbling outrage and still raises me up from the visceral Gutter of my existence and allows me to experience good times, with good people and gladness in my embattled heart and vainglorious mind.

5 March 2016

My sister cut me off from my niece and great niece. The only thing those bastards would smuggle in would be a razor blade to kill myself. They hate the truth I brought to the table that much. Elitist arseholes and paedophile enablers. Thieves, Liars, sycophants and perverted Narcissists.

After being raised by them I had no hope at all. Can you even imagine how it felt to have her describe herself as a "High Calibre person"?! You know what is high calibre. Standing up for justice and righteousness, working in the fires of Hell to make sure shit never happens again to your baby sister or any other child.

Defending your baby sister's honour when she finally speaks out and taking the evil bastard to the police which as a lawyer she knew was wanted and needed. Not selling her out when their dementing mother became increasingly vicious because " you know, you are over there and I am here so suck it up, buttercup".

Not faking your identity to pretend to be a superior person when all that ever existed in your life as a child was tainted by shit. So instead of punishing your mother, stepfather and paedophile "uncle". You punish your baby sister and her children. Fuck you Angela. Dead sisters don't cry. Or Lie or Deny.

We rise above your cognitive dissonance and hatred and one day, Bitch we will even thrive before we take our final Dive into the Void. Yeah. Even as a dead sister, I am still more courageous, genuine, loving, and fucking honourable than she.

Oops Brain Fart. But according to Angela, a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Waste products happen! :-)

….

4.32 am. Finally back in bed. I had fun dancing, but more importantly I was given some pretty special validations. A young woman I had protected several weeks ago, while on the dance floor whose bf was enraged and acting threatening, came up to thank me tonight.

She said "Wow! You look stunning!" She said she was very grateful for what I did for her. She had finally broken free of him. As she put it, she is unleashing the chains.

I told her I was proud of her and she was a strong woman so don't keep making the mistake like I did, still attracting arseholes at almost 51. She said she would try not to. She disappeared then came back to thank me again.

I said “It is nothing. You would have done exactly the same for me” She nodded. Lanky little skinny thing with smashed front teeth. But a sweetheart. I too, were it not for my small inheritance would have been sporting ugly front teeth. Poverty. Shows up first in a smile.

After she left me, bowing to me like a queen, for which I chided her not to do that as she is as good as I am. It was a tad surreal.

I told my friend Jo about it. She said, “You never know in life how you can dramatically change someone's life and it is good she let you know that.”

I felt genuinely surprised. Then Adam mentioned that Nina loves me so much because she knows she is safe with me. Another validation.

Then Stef showed up and asked me if I had self-banned from Irish Murphys or was I coming back? I said “No way will I go back until there are new owners or the place goes broke”.

He said I was cutting my nose off to spite my face. I said “On the contrary I don't need to give my time and energy to a venue that abused me and many other women. I would not be crawling back for more abuse.”

He said the pub was quiet tonight (so was the casino). I said “Really? Seemed busy when I walked past to come to the casino. They were playing Zombie.” He said “they played it too early. The place was dead”. I smiled. My one and only curse to ever work. For which I had to get very very hurt, angry and outraged.

I said to Stef. “If they truly want me back, then they can do better and give me a full apology from the Owner's and make it worth my while”. (Screw that. Even then, I would probably just laugh).

Stef says I was absurd. I said “No. I am a realist. You don't get to damage me then expect me to forgive so easily”. I said, “Anyway, you are the only one who likes me over there, so why would I bother with those people?” He nodded.

He tried to tell me it had new owners. I said “No, not true. New management but same owners”. (I had been 'invited' back a few weeks ago by the chief of security there, so I made sure then.)

I am trying to figure out what all this pressure is to get me back dancing there. It's not like I was part of the entertainment or paid to be there, apart from some former friends (who turned like fucking rattlesnakes on me) who used to buy my drinks occasionally. I find it all very weird.

Anyway, life goes on and I will stand by my decision to keep myself safe from abusers, turncoats and backstabbers. Life is beautiful when you set yourself free. I dance to my own tune and I drive my own car and I jive to my own beat and sometimes I swing from the chandeliers.

No one fucks me over without consequences. Time takes time, but Karma is beautiful and so satisfying.

5 March 2015

I had my first yoga lesson in about 15 years. It felt great. I got a discounted price $10. Normally costs $20 casual rate.

After the class which was at Newstead, I drove to West End as I felt like Jackpot Noodles. I blew my lovely yoga Zen mood by driving around for 15 minutes, looking for a park. In the end, feeling rattled, I drove towards home and had dinner at Miss India. Now home safe. Hot house! Lol!

…

…

…

5:15 am. Boker tov! Laila Tov. Time to snooze before I unravel the remains of my sanity.

…

2:11 am Again with the eleven lol. Ok Angels. Show me proof that you hear my prayers. I am only Human and I wax impatient lol.

I have been busy. Made pancakes for dinner with leftover mix. I cut up all the limes I was unsuccessful in selling at my front gate. They were beautiful and juicy.

I froze down icecubes of lime juice. Then, with the skins and remaining pulp, I boiled them in my copper pot that I burnt the other day. Came up like new. Then I used them to polish the outside copper (cheap Aldi copper pots, all stained). With a bit of swearing, sweating and scrubbing they came up pretty good too.

All night the moon called to me... Go out Psychedelic Dreamer...go outtttt. I wanted to run wild for my monthly Howling! The moon madness was intense!

Instead I did some more washing, hung it out, breathed the night air, celebrated my freedom from abusers.

I will go to Byron on Friday. The Moon is Mine. I could even go tomorrow but I booked a yoga class at New Farm @ 6 pm. Hmmm, yoga or Byron... Full Moon, the sea...hmmm. Tomorrow I will decide!

5 March 2014

THANK YOU!!! To the Beautiful People who are paying for my electricity bill. This is a huge help. Grateful Woman here! :)

…

I am glad to be home alone tonight. I have been cutting down the heliconias. Now have them in a vase. Tired but happy.

Tomorrow I meet my cousin Melvyn for lunch. Money is very tight so I will have a coffee I guess. I haven't seen him for a while so will be nice to catch up.

…

I just checked my inbox and found all these random messages, mostly from spammers wanting to marry me and have my babies lol, but was surprised to see some actual friends had tried to contact me and it had gone to the inbox so I never actually received them til now.

Apologies to Beats Cartel and Christian Tryhorn (again!) who was trying to get me some tickets for his gig last December and I was not getting his messages. Oyy! Got there in the end though :) and to my beautiful Annie Osborne who wished me a Merry Christmas, then wondered why I never go the message. Oyyy! Lucky we have chatted on Paltalk since then. Sorry Annie, for me being a dumbarse!

I don't understand why the messages didn't come through on my normal message window thingy on the facebook toolbar? Or why I only found them now.

I have changed the filtering to Strict Filtering to eliminate Scammer-spammers who want my identity, my unborn, never to be born now I am too old children (no you can't have my unborn grandchildren either), my money (got none, so no worries there) or my soul.

…

I have just seen a beautiful Lavendar- coloured Pomeranian. Wow! I am so clucky! I must see if I can sell my mother's Lladro, as I could use that to buy another puppy? Maybe? Hmmm! Unfortunately I doubt I will get much for the Lladro. Well, back to drawing board.

I have an electricity bill, a huge gas bill due (I left it on for 2 days, not consecutively but still the bill will be enormous) and my drivers license to find the money for. Scary. I also have a vague feeling that my mother's fridge is slowly dying, as it makes strange noises lately.

Life is an ongoing battle, for me financially but hey, you get that. It's still beautiful to be alive, have what remains of my faculties and my health, and to be amongst gorgeous friends and my daughter. Blessed!

…

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Lunch with my cousin Mel, then I need to find something to do for several hours after that, then I pick up Crystal from Work at Red Hill, we drive to Warner Bros Movie studios so Crystal can attend her students' Graduation (I will either come along to that or go to a movie at Harbour Town or Helensvale or summat Lak' tha').

Then back to Brisbane to drop Crystal home, then blah blah blah. LOL. I have had a busy week with doctor appointments, then the dentist today at Inala for the Mandibular Splint I don't want really, OYYY, then the social build-up of activities. Life is full.

…

"I met a man who sang the blues, I asked him for some Happy News, but he just smiled and turned away...." ok so I burst my bubble, decided to communicate effectively my reaction to my last 'suitor' playing me for a dumb blonde idiot with no Soul.

I texted him to blow him outta the water. I abhor Gameplayers and Superficial Men. PHEW! I feel like I had a nice little purge. Hopefully, in time I will meet a man who is not Fake, or Superficially Polite to enhance his own Prospects.

This one will have to stay out of my way! I'll be on my side of the Pub, and he can stay on his. Never the TWAIN Shall MEET again. I'm an all or nothing Woman and if you treat me like I'm NOTHING, then No THING shall you receive from me, including my attention, my amazing personality or my joie de vivre.

Go back to watching, waiting, yearning in your dark corner, Boycijk cos this Woman is staying in the Light, near the band, rocking out, with or without you! And Loving it!

Troglodytes, Neanderthals, and Homo Soporific Sanitised scrubbed up, polished but not quite Interested men can stay in the Dark!

This reminded me of the Hippie Filmmaker Frenchman I met once in Byron Bay who spent an hour or two raving madly to me in French (even though I gently explained that "ma Francaise est trop pauvre, Monsieur!") promising me God only knows What delights of Lovemaking and Sophistication and Je ne sais quoi...then finally in frustration when he realised that I could not comprehend any of his gestures D'Amour, he Thanked me for my attention! "Merci Beaucoup Pour Votre Attention!"

Men! Quel Dommage! Je Vous En Pris! What is a woman to dooooooo???? Except, Dite Moi, "Adieu!

Ok, Ok, I am strangled by my own Franglais. Franglais Stranglee, Escapee. Tour de Force! Formidable! Je Pleur, but not too much, cos I find this all rather funny!

…

Like a Siren I lure them from their Shadowy Safety where they can drool into their beers, into the bright lights, under the stage where the Musoes play the lyrics, the poetry of Passion and Pain while beneath I rock and sway, jolt and stomp, leap and almost fucking Pirouette.

At the same time, scouring the crowded pub for enemies or suitors, and worse, drunken rape-eyed accosters whom I flick away from my flesh with a quick elbow aimed mid-dance at their chest, or kick my legs in just the right way to protect my assets and throw them off-centre, remaining hyper-vigilant and splendid, protective and loving to my fellow women dancers and occasionally the male dancers also, while allowing only a precious few into my space.

The one time I let a troglodyte into my life and I get, what? Ambivalence, Indifference and Ignorance! Lesson learned. Next time I get vaguely interested in a vague man, I will remove myself from the situation. Don't engage with idiots. Ha! Famous Last Words, Darlings!

Well I did tell him honestly I was feeling weak and broken as I had hurt my back. haha

…

Today, Wednesday I go off to some Dentist in Inala (!) to see if I can be fitted with a Mandibular Splint I don't want and probably won't wear, to 'cure' my sleep apnoea. NUTSSSSS! Dreading it.

I will tell her I spent $10K of my paltry inheritance on my front teeth and there is no way I am going to shove something in my mouth that will damage what is left of my teeth.

It's ridiculous that I am being coerced by the State to jump through these ridiculous hoops to fix a health issue I've had since I was very young anyway. Hell, we are all going to die of something, why the hell can't they just leave me alone?

…

Inala was interesting. Mouth splint happening. It's a risk that it might crack my front teeth so I am not happy at all but the splint is worth $2000 privately and I guess I will give it a go if it aids my sleep apnoea. I doubt it.

Afterwards I went to Maccas for a coffee frappe and 30c cone. Some guy started talking to me about how he is homeless but he thinks he might get a place this arvo. He said he was sad as 2 of his friends had threatened suicide yesterday. I said "yeah I know how that feels". He correctly identified my tattoo as the Burning Bush. I was impressed.

So I told him life will improve albeit slowly and he said "yeah bring enough pebbles you can make a mountain". Then he blessed me, hoping my life is better, and I wished him the same and we went on our merry way.

He was nice looking, intelligent, spiritual but like me, damaged. I was a bit stunned afterwards. He had silver nail polish on but was dressed like a man. Unusual, eclectic, charming. He wore a pendant of a dragon, either side he had two rings he called "halos" and under the dragon hung another pendant which said Love.

We both smiled this sad smile at each other when he mentioned the Love pendant. Soul kinships Knowwww!

Update 5 Mar 2019: I did not get the mouth splint. I prioritised my expensive teeth instead.

5 March 2013

2 o'clock, 3 o'clock Rock, 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock rock. Now bloody 6.22am. Awake again! that's what I get for my long delicious much-needed sleep yesterday....meeting my cousin Melvyn at Midday. Hope I don't become my usual chattering Monkey from sleep deprivation. Might as well roll over and try for some solid Zzzzzz's again. Oyyy!

5 March 2010

Sylvia Shine: Hi Tanya,still thinking of you daily,dont forget,you are not alone.love,and hugs.Sylvia x x x

Hi Sylvia, thanks for your love and support. I appreciate it. I saw Mum today at the home. She is very dehydrated and running a temperature, so I expect she will be gone in a few days to a week as it is the infection which will be the end of her as we know it.

Her pulse is still quite strong, so her heart is beating as strongly as ever, but she seems to be unconscious now and constantly on the morphine infusion so she is very comfortable and not in any pain.

All I can do is wait and pray for a peaceful passing for her.

love and hugs

Tanya

Update 5 mar 2022:

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons