Memories: 2 March 2023

2 March 2024

2:10 am the night is finished BUT I have had the most wonderful time x. Thanks Ramjet and Brooklyn Standard. You spoil me lavishly. Big Agapé love to you All xxxx

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Robyn came along with little Koko. We had a short walk together. Then we chatted at my place. Koko wanted lots of cuddles. It was delightful.

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I just watched “Spaceman” on Netflix. Beautiful, sentimental and spiritual. I loved it

2 March 2023

I had bad insomnia again last night. So I feel kinda out of my head. 5 nights of this. It’s a bit cooler today. Rain is imminent. The day has a silvery great light. No snakes around today. Or yet…

Bobo is frantically digging and playing ball. He has a lot energy the past few days. Which is a good thing as he was quite unwell for about a week, vomiting each day. From the heat! I am glad to see him back to being a normal dog!

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I failed at casting a very complex ring today. Arggghh. So I made a cuff from copper pipe instead. I had annealed the copper after my casting failure, while I had my torch set up at my soldering station outside.

I used my texture plate for the first time. It came up great. I worried it would not texture that thickness of copper but it was fine.

So that is another skill in my silversmithing toolbox! Happy Dance!

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5 pm and the moon is rising. So beautiful!

2 March 2020

Am finally out of bed, weak as a kitten. Craving chips and chocolate as I always do when I am extremely unwell. But too ill to attempt to go to the supermarket. So heating up spag bol I made yesterday. I have had no appetite all day, too busy gasping for air like a slowly dying fish out of water!

Hopefully I can keep a meal down as that will help me turn some kind of a corner.

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I had to reschedule my hair appointment as I am too sick. I took two panadol to try to break the fever. No dice...yet.

I did have a nice hour long nap with respite from Coughing and choking. Noice.

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Mama T finally had a shower and washed her hair. I put a step stool in the bath so I could sit down to wash as I feared I might faint or fall over.

Water did me the power of good. Almost feel alive again. Moment by moment stuff. A few hours ago I was telling Azrael (the Angel of Death!) to just please take me. I was feeling so weak.

But now I have eaten and showered I feel less Zombified. By the gods I am strong. Everywhere except my poor lungs.

2 March 2018

Feeling weak in my legs today. Probably from yesterday’s beating down heat.

Cooler day today. Overcast. Weird weather. Like a sigh between gasping for air in the moments of dying.

Oh well, this too shall pass. Mama T is going dancing. Hopefully my leg feels better by tonight.

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I just watched “Crazywise” on Gaia. Wow! So much I had already learned and expressed in my own healing journey. So appreciative of my teachers (homeless people, psych nurse friends, my psychiatrists.

I guess I too, am a Shaman of sorts. I have had the life-Death-life experience several times in my life. Some in early childhood and some as a severely traumatised adult woman.

My gifts are not fully accepted or appreciated. I am deemed crazy by the ignorant and I had to overcome that serious second-class stigmatisation.

Lol as Groucho Marx used to quip “I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member”. I dance to my own tune, I choose my reality each and every moment. My mind is strong and light streams through its cracks.

Interestingly when I declared myself healed to the tenth generation before me (one of my mantras I picked up along the way) a few days ago, my daughter called me on the iPhone to tell me she is writing a play about our matriarchal line.

The healing is finding its way, growing exponentially, bringing forth new blossoms from decayed ancient fruits. The manure of the past, feeding and flowing like milk and honey, like nectared ambrosia (the gods favourite tipple), will bring peace and understanding, tolerance and acceptance and a love built on wisdom not hateful scorn or belligerent bellicose ignorance.

I look forward to shepping that Naches. I want to take my place amongst my ancestors. To share my purpose - expressed so powerfully through my dancing, but also my writing, my dreaming, my Being.

To boldly go where few have gone: down the rabbit hole and pop back into the glaring light where we all stand naked and flawed and unable to hide behind the masks and labels and bullshit class system imposed by the elite.

I think of how I was set up and betrayed over the past decades. By family, by community. It was so easy for these abusers to drive me away from my rightful inheritance. My soul’s journey and her rewards.

Haha. These humans think they got away with it. Haha. Time will tell.

I have become the Becoming. Began from the beginning. Fought for my own authenticity. Divested myself of psychiatric medications. Healed.

I was never a victim although at the time of each attack on my body or mind and soul, it felt like that. I stood up and fought back each and every time. I became wiser, more stoic, less reactive, but more sensitive to the artifices of abusers everywhere.

In time I saw they were also acting out on their own shame, trauma, degradation. But they chose to continue to perpetuate evil on innocents. When they came to me, in recent times, they found a big old Stop sign. A shimmering Shield borne by dark angels of vengeance and wrath.

I had to learn to let that go without unleashing its power. The darkness and the light, melded together and the maelstromic cacophony of betrayal and grief and shame, even the horror had to simmer down into a gentle crystalline pool which reflected back only beautiful nurturing healing grace and love.

Narcissus drowned in his own reflection. Whilst the water nymphs combed their glorious hair and sang nearby.

Everything in moderation. Everything in its own season.

2 March 2017

Really unwell today. But my friend Chris booked tickets for us to go see Toni Child's concert tomorrow night so I will be taking things easy until then. I am very excited as I have never been to any of her concerts before. (In fact never been to any concerts of my biggest idols before).

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2 March 2016

8.11 pm been seeing 11s all day. Well since 3.30 pm when I got up. I am quite unwell today. I did make chicken wings and salad for dinner. Just resting and watching Skinwalkers on Netflix.

My angels keep grabbing my attention. I wonder what they are wanting to tell me/show me? Weird.

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I just discovered my copy of Charles Bukowski, Notes of a dirty old man, sodden in my hammock. Oh dear. Also a sarong. I must remember to pack things away after my lazy time in the hammock. It's been out there for over a week!

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I slept until 3.30pm. After waking up at 10 am, taking my meds, having muesli, I hit the hay again. I needed the rest. Bobo stayed outside all day. I kept the hens locked up so they got a day of rest too. When I came outside, I found Socks chilling in an old drawer. Happy Pussy!

I still have tummy spasms but my chest is threatening to be a greater problem. So far so good.

It is a stinking humid day today. You can feel the steam coming off the grass and the plants. I picked a good day to sleep away.

The fishponds are fully operating. This makes me happy. So nice to come out to clear, tinkling water.

2 March 2015

I have an urge to sell everything I own and move to Byron and live on the beach.

I can't risk losing my housing commission house ( or should I?). Brisbane has been such a bad luck place for me. So many evils perpetrated against me, so much lack of justice.

I just want to run away from all the toxic shit. If I weren't so afraid of not being able to afford accommodation, I would be in Byron already. (Also I could take Crystal's rabbits there when she goes overseas.)

I hate feeling trapped in Hell. I hate feeling afraid to move forward and grab the rest of my life by the balls.

I will miss my daughter and the rabbit Kin. Omg! I can't bear it.

If I sold my car I could technically afford private rent for a year. It would take many more years to get public housing in Byron shire. What would I do when the money ran out?

It's all too horrible to contemplate.

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My Pop was the only one treated me with kindness and respect. The rest, well, arseholes! Dad's birthday on March 6.

I can't say I ever miss him or my vicious half-sister. She might be right though, they might have been happy before they got pregnant with me. The photos do look rather happy.

She likes to align with my abusers and make me look like the scapegoat. A constant refrain in my life.

Update 2023: 10 years now :-(

2 March 2014

I am feeling a little sad tonight. Rather odd, as I had an awesome weekend which culminated in me, skip-diving and bringing home some interesting goodies. I sometimes wonder why I get so sad and lonely after having such hectic fun dancing? It seems a tad ridiculous, after all, it's not like I was home alone on my couch feeling maudlin.

Sarah and I had a wonderful night and I rushed back from Skip Diving as I realised I had her phone and purse and I was gone longer than I anticipated. (There was sooo much stuff to go through, I almost forgot about the time!)

I slept until 2 pm today and took Ramon out into the garden so he could be a bunny out in fresh air. Jarrod came to visit and helped me unload my booty. LOL. I hoped the beautiful Cashmere man's jacket would fit him but it didn't which I was rather disappointed about as I had him in mind for it. It's such excellent quality that I might just keep it and wear it myself until I find myself a male friend who fits it well and is likely to enjoy wearing it.

I ended up skip diving as Brian my homeless friend told me it was full of 21 bottles of alcohol, unopened, but by the time we got there and I had burrowed gleefully through both skips, the dear crazy old bastard told me, "oh I told this other homeless guy, he must have come by and taken the booze".

I thought about slapping him up the side of his head, but I was happy with my Schnorring regardless. I picked up some Pyrex bowls, the jacket, a working vacuum cleaner (needs a hose which I was unable to find in the dark) but can buy one for it, and kitchen stuff.

So all good, and I got to have a few nips of Brian's Bacardi which he'd found there, and hey, I forgot how much I like Bacardi even though I only drink Jack Daniels nowadays.

So he and I were like two wild children in the muck and every now and then he would look at me head down arse up in the skips and start laughing. He even lay down to watch me.

Then finally he bothers to tell me that as I hadn't found the booze yet, it must be Gone! You just gotta love Aussie Male Larrikin Korsikov's Sense of Humour!)

Finally he said something like "I gotta pee!" so I said "Righto, that's a job for you alone, Mate, I can't help you with that" and next thing I know he'd buggared off. So I went and got my car, loaded up, drove back round block and parked the car, then bolted to find my gorgeous Sarah who I knew would have thought I'd run out on her, but Noooo.

I was relieved to find her just in the nick of time and she tells me, Brian is up with George The Busker. I said "yeah right, little shit was meant to be off having a pee" but you can't expect much from crazy homeless people. hahaha!

I sure as hell hope he gens me in on any more dumpster finds like that one, as I will be happy to go Skip Dumping again. I had a Blast! There was even a BBQ. I would have brought that home too, but I would not have fit it in my car.

Oh well, I still have the Weber I found in the Bogan Christmas before last (the Council Rubbish collection they do annually!) In fact I've only cooked in it once. Well actually Jarrod and Crystal cooked in it. LMAO

I was fortunate that I was wearing my black jeans and a top, not my usual girly flirty corsetty gear or I would have had to miss out on the skip raid.

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I had a fantastic night out dancing wildly with sarah, sam and shauna. Then around 2 am I went skip-diving with my homeless friend Brian. I got a beautiful cashmere man's jacket, some other nice clothes, some nice pyrex bowls, a bunnykins royal doulton bowl and a few other odds and ends. Rapt.

I rushed back to find Sarah as I realised I had her phone and her purse in my bag. Poor sarah freaked that I had abandoned her in the city which I would never do! I was happy to find her ok and we went to get something to nosh before we went home.

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Out with my Beautiful Sarah. Having a Fabulous time, Darlings!!!

Update 2 Mar 2020: I miss Brian. He was a great friend. He is no longer homeless. Has a job, or so I am told. He has turned his life around. I am So proud of him. (I have never seen him again 😞 )

I gave that beautiful jacket to Dave. (I should have kept it for myself!)

I ended the friendship with Sarah a few years back. No regrets there. A lot has changed in 6 years. I wonder what my life will be like 6 years from now? If I survive that long.

I still keep dancing, no matter what! Even with all the toxicity of former pub/casino friends and former lovers. No one fucks with my right to enjoy the rest of my life although many have tried.

2 March 2013

Heading home alone...naturally :-). Looking forward to the warmth and joie de vivre of a certain little dog who will be exuberant to receive her human in her ever-loving paws!

I didn't dance much tonight. Just observed and listened to music. One very young man was friendly and bought me a drink. A Robert De Niro lookalike with no social patter freaked out that I was not drinking but did not offer me one, so I coolly slipped onto the dance floor when the young man who was decent asked me to dance and bought me a drink.

He, however lost interest when he discovered I have no knowledge and no interest in sports. Lol! Nice kid though! Classy! Unlike the more age appropriate Robert De Niro type who didn't know how to talk to a woman who was sober :-).

Ergo my quest for a partner continues.... :-). Psychedelic Dreamer lives to Dream of finding the love of her life again.... Somebody slap me so I can awaken from this fantasy of a great and enduring Love Partner!

Still it's interesting exploring all the potentialities and exponential awareness!

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4 hours sleep this morning...I am Drowning with all this Rain!

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Going to sleep now. My night out was a wash-out but I spent rest of it with my friends on Paltalk. Elfybaby is coming to visit me, most likely in September. Woohoo! Exciting!

2 March 2011

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons