Memories: 6 September 2023

6 September 2023

Today is a beautiful day. I feel in an altered state after days of tummy issues (too much dairy and an onion dip I thoroughly enjoyed but my gut rejected!)

I need to drive to my psych for my debrief later. I just feel hollowed out and kinda woolly in the head. Exhausted too. Also the underlying grief over Beauregard is still gnawing at my spirit.

Today is a day I will be gentle with myself. I think!

I had a message via WikiTree from a cousin’s daughter, stating they wish to get in touch with me. So I replied but not overly keen after that cousin who had been so loving and supportive of me, went all Nazi on me, so I had blocked them all.

I guess I will wait and see what they want. It’s probably just a scammer too.

…

I got hold of my cousin, apparently the other cousin’s daughter got in touch with me as her father is very sick at the moment. I hope he is okay.

I also debriefed with my psychiatrist about the escalation of threat and harassment in my Brisbane music scene. I told him it was something out of a horror movie “Them!” He recommended I bring a “witness” with me, dancing. That would make it hard for anyone to attack me.

Also to keep making my videos to expose what is going on, as a protective device. I told him if I should suddenly disappear from now into the future, that I am not actively suicidal so he will need to ask questions as to what happened to me.

I told him I have also told my two best friends this. My psych asked me if I was going to stop going dancing? I said “No…noone has the right to prevent me from enjoying live bands and my usual practise of dancing. I have done no harm to anyone. Nor been malicious to anyone but have simply continued to dance and protect my own body integrity and body autonomy.” I will not let sadists and psychopaths stop me from living my best life. Not now…not ever!

6 September 2022

11:11 pm Crystal finally replied about half an hour ago. She will come look through the artworks when I am better she says. She has been in and out of hospital and had an emergency surgery which failed. She did not elucidate what that was.

So hmmm. Not good. She demanded an apology and I said it is her who owes me one for her epic viciousness last time we communicated 6 weeks ago. I told her I cannot allow any more cruelty from my kids. So there is that. Stalemate! Nothing new under the sun.

At least I know she is alive albeit has been seriously ill. 

….

I spent the evening, photographing every painting, drawing and two books written and illustrated by Jasmine. Also all of Crystal’s art. I have kept them all and cherished them for over 30 years, dragged them through every house move. It’s time to declutter my life.

I sent them all to Crystal, so she can choose which of her baby artworks she wants to keep. Jasmine will want her books no doubt, so I will keep them for her.

Late tonight Crystal replied that I owe her an apology! I do not. It was her that was vicious last time we communicated (about 6 weeks ago!) but she told me she has been in and out of hospital for the past 6 weeks and had emergency surgery which failed. Not good!

She didn’t say what the surgery was for. I hope it wasn’t a complication of Covid. A great worry.

…

6 September 2021

3:13 am been awake since 1 am. I might attempt sleep again. Wonderful calm night and in spite of everything… I am happy.

Good morning/good night.

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I had a wee chat to that determined spirit that never leaves me (for his own agendas)!

I told him how our love had been twisted and misconstrued had become a fetid thing. How I had almost died for him, because of him, all the while striving to keep myself and my children safe. Alone, without support or resources.

He reminded me how he helped me collect my father from the airport, and one time came to lunch with me. He had not imagined in his wildest dreams the battle I was enduring with my toxic family of origin, my threatening former bf and his sister and boarders, my workplace, my very soul. It was easier to deem me mad than deal with the very real domestic terrorism I was barely surviving on a daily basis.

At one time my asthma was so bad and the trauma and grief so hefty that I fully expected to die through the night. So like a fool I rang him and told him how much I loved him. On my very laboured short breaths. He thought I was trying to manipulate him but my heart was always true. Always! In the spirit world he saw that now…but it’s too late…too late.

I thought I would never love a man again and in truth I did…but differently. So differently but yet again each partner toyed with my brave and beautiful heart like it was a lab rat. Kicked or stained or cut it and yet again..I grew Me back.

Each time so horrifically broken that I became the Zombie and barely existed in my own body. My body that betrayed me with mortal appetites, cleaving to its biology and yearning to be loved to the point of its own deconstruction.

But after the last long unrequited love affair (8 years!) I prayed to the gods to heal me and help me monetise my gifts as I cannot exist on bare subsistence anymore. I simply cannot exist in this paradigm.

22 August 2015 taught me I am not allowed to die: not yet. I was downloaded while languishing on the border between life and death, in a white fog for hours, quietly observing the spirits in that waiting room of death busily preparing for my crossover. But I was sent back to this vessel with my ever-broken but resilient and stoic heart. Redolent with Hope, that gilded Hag!

Then to be confronted with David’s haunting in early June 2016. And the loss of so many precious pets and my near death again after the gall bladder surgery on 25 June 2019.

When on my last longgg exhalation I was told I was being sent back again, but I will be living in what feels like a hell of epic proportions and will need to cleave to my truth and my own intuitions to keep myself safe as never before.

They told me they had tested my true heart and found me worthy of the challenge to live out my life in much needed peace, love and light. And so it is and always will be!

My grief and rage has cost me two organs now. My uterus and my gallbladder. But I have fought back for my much needed joy and peace.

David says he is my protector. Interesting since I once bound him to protect myself from him and our extraordinarily unholy love. So nu? Protect me then, with the benevolence of the Holy One who knew you were never an Angel! “Tu n’est pas an Ange”. Lmao.

But in my very complicated path with my complex trauma there is still love enough even for you….the stalker dead. One who would not love me enough in life. I let you go over the many years and Still you fly to my side and demand my attention via a medium friend. In that you are very like my mother. Pernicious!

However I am older now and I know the power of my spirit and the power of my deep deep truest love and how even in this paradigm (sigh!) one I love also cycles past me every 2-3 months, also unable to let me go, while like you Davidson, trawling his latest conquests before me like dead rat trophies to a Vixen Queen.

And I……agonise internally then sharpen my claws and wipe my brow and gather my dignity and my strength as cruel and capricious gods gifted me this life but I have potent Angels and Wise ones that carry me on high and lay me down in sweet meadows and sing my soul home. Who gift me beautiful soulful loyal friends who delight in my joys and small triumphs. As I delight in theirs!

Yesterday my beautiful friend played her Crystal singing bowl for me and the intensity of the upper octaves resonated through my entire body and I felt the beauty and power of all the Sephirot as activated by the glass manufactured from the sands of our earth and the coherence of time and space.

I looked into her eyes and declared “Wow”. For we are gifted beyond mortal imagination when we connect via light and music, resonance, vibration and love and yes…glory.

I feel honoured and blessed and loved. I am grateful and encouraged to continue on my Walk, fearlessly free to me be!

Love is the law and all around us love, know it, seek it and learn to wrangle it like the Ouroboros chasing his tail, creating eternity with each and every breath, each and every opening and closing of the magick within, holding space for new loves and new revelations and knowing that even our bodies hold their own wisdom in Our perfected designs.

There are miracles when we believe! In our own light and truth and value. Everything is connected..in all dimensions. Even that lost and spiteful dangerous lover man cannot go forth without my tenderness and my forgiveness. Oy!

So here we have it: those were the days my friend we thought they’d never end… but everything has its season and it’s fecund blossoming followed by detritus and decay. And from the total destruction and annihilation new growth forces its way through and so we begin the Beguine again 🙂

I love you! I see you! I know whom you are. Be well. Be safe. Be all you can be and more. With harm to none, and competition from none, own your own talents, gifts, abilities and attributes…and Shine my beautiful Souls…Shine bright.

Open your hearts and minds to Life and let her work through you. Trust in your gods of your understanding. Walk in light and peace and Truth. Hold yourself precious as no one will ever be exactly the same as you and we are all okay!

Blessed be the Holy one, Source of all life. Manufacturer of souls and of Love Eternal. Amen v’selah.

6 September 2020

I had a lovely time at West End drumming circle. Marred only slightly by stalking by a former woman friend, who was driving towards my house just as I was driving out. Weird! I was not quite sure at first but as I drove past, we made eye contact. She looked rather triumphantly mischievous. I just felt creeped out. So kept on driving.

Then on the way home from West End I am pretty sure I saw an ex lover who constantly “likes” the drumming circle page, acting as though he intends to attend, but rarely turns up (more mischievous school boy behaviour but mindless and harmless!)...driving across Boundary Rd at the intersection towards me.

This time I had to keep my head screwed on right. After all, that seems paranoid lmao, except last time the same little game was played and I doubted my own vision and sanity then too.

I wonder when I will stop picking up friendships with Satanic sadistic odd little Imps and actually engage with authentic good people?! But I am being hard on myself. I did have a lovely time with Margot and Dave and their dear sweet little daughters on Friday. So I do have good people on my life.

It just astounds me though, how the Shades and sadists and trickster spirits from the past still follow me around or turn up Uninvited to my home.

What do they hope to achieve by that ridiculous unwarranted undesirable behaviour? It borders on obsession on their part! What have I ever done to merit this much obsession?

I have told both these individuals to fuck off out of my life permanently, in no manner in which that they could possibly misinterpret!

Yet still this keeps happening...

Yesterday I felt fatigued and dizzy. I have had dizzy spells for over a week now. Mainly happening in the evening. This morning I woke up with a mild headache. I often wake up with headaches now.

I figure I have been exerting myself too much (with the marble tabletops). My upper right arm still aches from last Monday’s marathon effort. It took three days to recover.

Then knitting happened, which I enjoyed but that also wore me out. I didn’t do much today...slept until 11 then had a shower and got ready for drumming circle. I came straight home then did some more work wiring up the faery wings.

Now another feeling of lightheadedness. It’s starting to really piss me off as I am sick of struggling with varying degrees of poor health. Sick of struggling. Every. single. Day.

But today has been another good day (apart from Jenny and possibly Dave stalking me!) I will need to rest more and try not to let those psychic fleas pester me!

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment at QE2 hospital. Arggghhh. They need to make another treatment plan as my back tooth has been hurting on and off for week. Blech!

Remind me why I incarnated in this beautiful magickal planet again?! It must have looked so pretty from the other dimensions.

Also I was never meant to get this old or frail. FFS. But Someone Upstsirs keeps tweaking my timeline and it makes no sense. I am not even a good person. I am a miserable wretch. Deserving of Nothing. Except the few scraps of joy I manifest in my small unique pathetic way!

Like when I used to have good sex and wild carefree nights of dancing. The sex went years ago, when I realised I was losing my soul for ignoble cuntish disloyal men. The dancing finally ended with Covid and a spiteful narcissist.

But I keep trying to find my tribe and my nîche in life. Like a dickhead, as after all...I know better 😉

…

Update: her dog destroyed it. Another of my gifts devalued. Grrr

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11:11pm my Angel says “Laila Tov” time for The Tanya to go to bed. I am Sleepy, but satisfied with my small and varied achievements.

6 September 2019

Well...Hans is dead, Lotte is dead, my mother, father and Cees...dead. No doubt my paedophile godfather is also dead.

Lotte’s Birthday has often brought me luck. So the day stretches ahead of me in spite of the sad news about Hans.

Interestingly he was dying for the past 2 months at the same time I was struggling to recover from that god-awful surgery 10 and a half weeks ago.

Only I fought hard to survive that night, even on seemingly that last breath that I was so gloriously embracing...hmmm. Then the fight for survival the next day when the hospital tried to deny me pain relief.

Then the arduous weeks after that. But my gut is better now. I still am easily fatigued but the pain is less frequent (except with the upset about my fishponds in recent weeks which caused my liver to hurt like fuck from the stress!). Yes, the Australian government is actively trying to kill me. 😉

But fuck it and fuck them! I don’t have enough money to attend Ecstatic Dance tonight. But there are always other Dances. I will see how I feel later tonight. I can afford one drink at the casino and need to let my Berserker hair down.

The last of my former progenitors and influencers on my evil mother (who in turn “influenced” me with her hate and envy and spite) is gone. Except for my half sister Angela, of course. She will be the last of that line of evil.

But “dead sisters” don’t cry. I have nothing to be ashamed about. I live my life in joy and decency and integrity. I take pride in my own absurdist survival. Sometimes I even fucking Thrive while staying alive.

I am a Force to be reckoned with. A life force simmering away even in my endstate complex ptsd femme fatale style. I chose Life yet again and Life is good.

…

Today also marks my beloved “Auntie” Lottie’s Birthday. She was very loving and generous to my mother and I from the time Mum reconnected with her in 1973.

She sent us German China, crystal and expensive clothes. My clothes so expensive that wearing them to school at St Kilda primary I was regularly bullied and beaten up. The children were envious. (Of course it wasn’t just my style they were envious of).

They sensed my primordial depression (from suffering child sexual abuse in early childhood) and hated me and my inner light. A light I have fought to keep shining all my life. No matter what horror has been visited upon me.

But Auntie Lotte meant well. I don’t know when she died but she lived to old age. I was estranged to my mother when Lotte died, no doubt.

I only met her in 1973 when I was 8 and remember her for her sparkling eyes, her kindness, her fucking scratchy couch which gave me a rash on the backs of my thighs, her obsession with my mother Gisela and the time Lotte took me to her “gymnasium” or primary school where she taught and some joyous madness came over me and I acted the class clown with all the kids (a few years older than me) and we had a blast.

No one in German schools believed me when I said I came from New Zealand. We had to show them on the map of Earth. Some thought I was an alien. Perhaps I was...:-)

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I just received news from my evil half sister’s half-sister that their father Hans Paede died on 2nd September 2019. Both Heidi and Sanni were looking after him for the last 2 months of his life and were with him when he passed.

How fortunate for him that his twin daughters (from his second marriage) were there for him. Heidi lives in Sydney so that was quite a commitment to her father to make as he lived and died in Hamburg, Germany. He was almost 97.

I am not sure how to process it. I barely knew him. He was kind to me when my mother and I visited him in 1973. Again when he and his third wife visited is in NZ in 1985. He always looked upon me with great affection and had a memory of me walking their dachshund dog wearing a red woollen coat in Germany when I was 8.

I think he really liked me, primarily because I looked so much like my mother Gisela and when we visited it was a poignant reminder that I could have been his child if he had not totally fucked up, by impregnating his 18 year old boss’s daughter with the twins. Their mother threw herself in front of a train when they were five.

He remained my mother’s greatest love, I believe. Hard to tell really as she was such an exploitive narcopath and loved manipulating men. But when Hans visited NZ in 1985 he and my mother both flirted with each other like teenagers.

Which was awkward for his wife Susie (who seemed to just rise above it with great class and dignity) and caused embarassment for his daughter, my half sister Angela, and a measure of schadenfreude and confusion and delight for myself. Witnessing my mother behave so girlishly with her first love was a tad astonishing. Lmao.

Anyway, to be frank I had very very few male role models or authentic father figures in my childhood, having been raised in abject depravity and cruelty. So I had this romantic idealisation about Hans that he was a good kind father. At least his twin daughters adored him.

Go in peace Hans. You were the last of that generation of my personal Abusers and I salute you. Thank you for your kindness and unconditional (albeit fantastical) Love towards me. I might look like Gisela but I am proud and happy to say that I will never be her.

Even though my femme fatale powers have increased with age and I am now expansive and “out there” and an ambivert.

Surviving my personal monsters taught me to be fearless and to fully embrace and engage with life, no matter what it throws at me. A gift of sorts.

Me: I have been feeling very depressed since Saturday (he passed on Monday). So I wonder if I was psychically picking up on his passing. I often do that. Usually if it’s someone I really love I feel unexpected joy though. But yes the timing is interesting.

I wonder if my grandmother Eva is meeting his spirit. He callously told her to get on with finishing the job on the morning he and Gisela left for work when Eva (probably not for the only time) threatened suicide.

When they came home from work he was walking back to the bus stop to return to his own place when he heard Gisela’s screams. She had found Eva slumped next to the gas stove.

So hmm. There will be an interesting meeting to sort out that fucked up karma. Or maybe he paid that debt in losing his second young wife in such a horrific way.

Mum seemed to bear no grudges towards him in 1985. Which was startling given how she described his cruelty towards her so often. Perhaps with the getting of wisdom she understood that she, too had been cruel and Love is well...Eternal or in my case too often...INFERNAL.

But it is what it is. Whatever (insert typical Tanya shrug here). He’s probably holding hands with Gisela right now making subordinate Kissy faces. Lmao

“Och Doch Mensch Tanya-Kind...just stop!” Ok ok. Blödsinn. Allerlei. Grosse Wahrsinn.

Ich bin Frei!

(Translation: omg Tanya child….madness. All kinds of. Nonsense. Big craziness. I am free!)

6 September 2018

Well Tante Lotte’s spirit smiled down upon me today. Jenny bought me a delicious lunch at Carina Leagues and we were both blessed. Then we went shopping at Carindale.

Thanks for a lovely outing, Jenny. x

When Jenny dropped me home I got a lovely warm Feline greeting from Fergus the black cat from my neighbour across the road.

I joked with Jenny: “if you ever doubt that I am a witch (or rather the descendant of one!) look how the black cats find me?!”

I picked him up and gave him a cuddle. He was delighted. Of course Fergus Puss has an agenda for befriending me. He is after my chickens and possibly Charlie too. Sneaky cat. So I put him back on the ground and he scampered away.

Black cats are good luck you know. The gods are smiling upon us. Grateful happy woman here.

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Today is the birthday of my childhood benefactor Lotte Jonas (my mother’s best friend in Germany) who, after seeing me for the first time when we visited Hamburg when I was 8, showered us with lavish gifts for the rest of her life. (Until my estrangement with Gisela of course). My house still contains some of the crystal and China that she sent both my mother and myself over the decades.

The few men I brought home (peasants lol!) actually commented they felt like they were in Grandma’s house. Ja Gern! I have decluttered immensely since then but my house still looks very European and grandmotherly. Like any “grandmother” I can transmute into a Wolf and devour them too!

But (sharpens my claws....shakes off the fleas, languorously and elegantly) who has the time? Crystal and Jarrod both tease me that my lovers would Stay if I offered them Jack Daniels instead of tea. Say what?! Sex is not enough for the bloodless curs??? They...want...more.....??????!!!!

The last one (after a long period of celibacy) took back his lemonade. I have a vague feeling he would have stayed the night if I begged him but I beg no man and frankly it was a weird experience.

So I have reset my celibacy clock again. After 3 years 4 months and 2 weeks (then a little human error! Insert semi-hysterical laughter here) it has now been over 3 months. I don’t miss sex anyway. I miss Love and passion and loyalty and romance and solid reliable partnerships. But I have had a great few months, dancing with my tribe, flowering in my vibe and enjoying the company of good kind supportive beautiful friends.

Anyway, I have gallstones to dissipate (or excise). It’s hard to feel sexy when you are dragging a defunct meat carcass around. But when I am healed. Oh well, look out! I will have energy and motivation again.

So maybe Auntie Lotte and my mother are still ‘cock-blocking’ me from beyond the grave. Maybe if I threw everything out and ran with the wolves howling into the night some worthy male might claim me for his own pack but Mama T is Alpha and runs behind no other female interloper so I am not inclined to come last for the rest of my life either.

Today I inherited 6 years ago after that evil protracted abortion of a will dispute. I had a brief hiatus of having a bit of money then back to grinding poverty. So of course no man would ever want me. I am okay with that. My home is my Sacred Space where I continue to heal from a life of torment and no man woman or child will ever drag me down again.

I have raised myself up on my haunches, even with a malfeasant gut and danced and pranced into the night and risen with the moon and howled and licked my wounds and kept loving the unworthy unloving unrequited One (who by now has long forgotten me) and it hurts, it hurts...but I love my life now and who I am, so broke and broken, bespoke or unspoken, lost and found and Hobbit-tossed aside into the night, in the sunshine of my days. I am content with what is gifted me in this insane and cruel loveless world.

The right person will adore me and magic will happen. Of that I am certain. The Tanya is no prize, but she is a perfect repository of everything she ever needed: inside her.

(From the comment section)

Jenny: You should have come over while the scaffolders were here some were Mmmm palatable lol

Me: Palatable?

You know I have an unnatural relationship with roof tilers. They came in steady quick succession for several months until Housing Commission put a new roof on my house. It was like the energy of my roof needing replacing attracted them like flies to a rotting carcass.

It was rather weird.

Da Roof, da roof da roof is on Fire!

Mama T ...not so much. I think my libido is just smoke and ashes, baby.

Done with being used by feckless boysss. Need a real man. (A single monogamous one at that!). Lmao

Oh, and no using cheating bloodless curs need apply for top spot in my boudoir.

I can’t afford $30 for Ecstatic Dance cacao ceremony on Friday but might rattle my dags and put in an appearance at the old stomping ground.

If I feel well enough, that is.

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6 September 2017

I went out to buy food. I spent $50 on stuff that seemed appropriate at the time. There was even Ice Cream! But when I got home my level of giving a fuck about cooking a healthy beef stir fry bottomed out of me like a sanguine Zombie Death Wish.

So I sat on the couch and devoured a packet of sweet chilli chippies instead. Because I can. That's why!

I am going back to the skin clinic tomorrow afternoon to have a haematoma removed from my forehead and the results of my biopsies from my left shoulder blade.

My face has broken out in pimples (even though I have been eating healthy until yesterday). I had to wash it with Isocol to dampen down the blemishes before the good doctor sees the calibre of the skin on my face tomorrow (embarrassing!). 52 years old and a walking pimple! Blech!

I also had a weird phone call from my lawnmower man who tried to upsell me by mowing tomorrow, even though I had already texted him to tell him mowing was due next week after I get paid. He called me a Nob and a weirdo so I told him he was titillated and confabulating from working in the Queensland heat too long and he needed a nice cold drink of water and a cold shower. He laughed.

So that was awkward. And weird. I got the feeling he just wanted to hear my voice and wind me up. But um, he got the wind up instead. Men! Seriously! What the actual fuck?!

Anyway he rang just when I was feeling so depressed I could cut my ear off and post it to an ex but I lack the talent along with the Chutzpah. So that nutty conversation actually made me laugh at the surreal Absurdist reality show that is the life of The Tanya.

So ironically, because I am a contrary little Berserker I felt slightly better, watched a horror movie then went out into the cool of the evening to buy food. Thanks for the Jack Daniels Sundae motivation, Jarrod. I have the ice cream. Just need the money for a bottle of JD and if you are going to imbibe also, will need to buy some gluten free ice cream.

My spirits revived themselves enough to face the supermarket, where I got to see the gorgeous Terrie. So my day has improved vastly since this afternoon.

…

The phone conversation with Clarry started like this:

Me, calm monotone: Hello.

Clarry: Hi it's me.

Me, raising monotone by one tiny decibel: hello how are you?

C: Don't you have me programmed into your phone. Like don't you know it was me? (Giggling Insanely)

Me: yeah I do have you programmed, mate. I knew it was you. But does anyone really know anyone ever, really? I mean? Really?

So then it devolved into him trying to come mow tomoz and random ambiguous flirting so I cold showered his ass.

He seems to like me. Should I worry?!

Lmao!

…

There are many days I wanted to die. Those days still Slam me with monotonous regularity. But I know I have been massively triggered by the global Threat of nuclear annihilation. It is a ploy, a game played by the Elite. What better way to cull the population than to use fear of atrocities on the global Scale to drive the already broken and traumatised to suicide?

Those humans, like me who have literally fought all our lives for a place of safety, sanity and try to generate whatever happiness we can, are easily thrown into despair and desolation.

We almost died so many times at the hands of our personal monstrous hench(wo)men! So the thought of two retarded tyrannical tantrum-tossing totalitarians playing with Nukes sends me a tad hysterical. Why? It is not by choice. It is not under my control.

It is the pernicious cruel reminder that our lives are not valued, precious or protected. That at any moment some dark evil force clothed in an orange toupée, or a moon-faced megalomaniac can take all our lives, and the life of this planet away in a split second. Irrevocably deny the universe its little playground of pleasure.

No wonder there are frantic missives from outer space. We are all inter-connected. By hopes, by dreams, by passions, by love, by sunshine on our face, by the capricious yet eternal gift of the gods, by Life!

I must believe in the ultimate goodness of the ordinary mortals, and the ability of the Extraordinary to walk among us and slap us down when we get too Annihilationist! Nihilist?! Nil Carborendum et Bastardoes.

They mistake our fear and grief and trauma for weakness. But we are alive today because we were able to dig deep into our own souls, scratching and bleeding, torn and debased, desecrated bodies and minds to regenerate ourselves. Each and every time we bounced back. Beautiful, Fierce, Free.

Fuck the Haters! We got each other! Survivors to Thrivers. Have a nice day!

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Restless, anticipatory, lost, frustrated, irked. Waiting for Godot! Existing. Thinking therefore I was, am and ever will be. Transmuting old trauma flashbacks.

It is windy. A dry hot wind in an early spring day. Weird and unwelcome (like me!). I want to go out but lack enough money. I want to go back to bed but have slept enough. I am stuck in a torpid limbo of my own emotions and ignoble reality.

My back hurts (so tired of chronic pain) and my teeth hurt and still I chew and cut my way through life on the cuspid side. Cuspid!! Not Cupid, Stupid!

(Ok that was me being a wry wrinkled old Dame. ) You are not Stupid, neither am I, for believing in the fantasamagorical delightful ideals of Love. That is how I am alive today. Chasing the Psychedelic Cheshire Cat's Vanishing-like-a-mirage Dream.

My first love (my childhood friend) used to sneak out the back door to escape me. I used to cry for hours at the abandonment and rejection but was succoured and savoured and mollified by her mother and her amazing (badly pronounced by my toothless six year old's diction) mer/ang-gahs. Sweet and soothing they disappeared fast on my old sweet-toothed child's tongue. Like Magic!

True loves are eternal. Memories are kept precious and stored away ever-fresh to be trotted out on dark days of discontent and discontinuance. One day I shall remember nothing. Neither the good the bad nor the gloriously triumphant. My molten sugary dreams will be as dust (zero calories but fulminating with all the DNA molecules and dander of all that ever lived on this planet.)

How will Oblivion taste to my embattled exhausted Soul? Like Ambrosia? Chocolate? Is there chocolate in Heaven? I suspect not. The gods brought it to Earth to stimulate our taste buds, to offer us a panacea of delight amidst dereliction.

Thank you gods for all you have gifted me in abundance. The love, the laughter, the purity amidst the dross insanity. The true friends, as a solace to compensate for my lack of maintaining a true loving partnership as those bastards just wanted me dead.

Without my true loving friends upholding me and keeping me precious, where would I be? Burning on my Viking boat funeral or 6 feet under with the rest of my people whom I chose so faithfully at Mt Gravatt cemetery. Ugh! I don't want to lie next to those traitors and putrid slanderers.

Nay! I think I better start carving that boat or settle for a quickie cremation. Then I can be ash as well as dust. Let me have my dream of living in Byron Bay by casting me over the cliffs at the Lighthouse.

Anyway, that time is not too distant. But I can wait a little bit longer. More loves to dissipate on my tongue like the sugary ghosts they were/are.

Run! Keep running. These men can only run from their false selves. I have Seen and Heard and I acknowledge their painful inability to Love me as I am. Kismet! Their pain became mine but I will heal and they are damned to go on to fuck and fight and use and abuse while I, sublimely smile my enigmatic smile from my lowly lonely debasement, on a pedestal high in the sky while eating Pi.

Bring me my lovers and I will show you the cut of their cloth and the measure of their manhood and we shall try ever-so-politely not to laugh until we die by crying. Humans are such fickle feats of futility. But sweet and quaint and sometimes quirky. May the gods love us as we are, perfectly imperfect but such amusement/bemusement/confoundment. Amen.

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Masters of Horror. Very trippy tv show.

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People have murdered their spouses while taking Zoloft. I got off that shit real quick and changed to another anti-depressant when I discovered that years ago.

So glad to finally be free of all psych medications. They did nothing to cure my complex ptsd but kept me in a state of numbness and illness for far too long. Now I feel All the feels and it is often extremely painful and confronting but I also experience the bliss and the healing as well.

Integrating my mind, body and spirit after decades of relentless (often concurrent) trauma took time to heal. I will probably be healing for the rest of my life (new skin cells, oxygen saturation, mind regeneration.). But it is worth it to be fully alive and comfortable in my own skin.

6 September 2016

Utterly exhausted. I spent most of the day repotting my waterlillies. Not sure if the night flowering one is dead or not but tried again. Too tired to go out and buy fish food and water lily fertiliser. I will have to do it tomorrow.

I went under the house to get straw for the chooks, only to discover the big beautiful Duchess Mirror that Annette gave me had slipped down and shattered. Buggar. 7 years bad luck! It will be expensive to replace too.

I think it is time for a nap.

6 September 2014

Yesterday a woman and her little daughter came past my house as I was potting up plants. They called out to me (annoyingly as I had the hose sprinkling and was on my tiny front porch). They asked about my chickens.

I could not hear well so I went to the front gate and chatted with them. They are new to our street, clearly sussing me out.

She proceeded to tell me about her neighbour elderly woman who had terminal cancer and lived alone with her son. She said the old lady had been rushed to hospital by ambulance but refused to be put on a gurney and walked to the ambulance!

At the hospital they told her she was dying and she was going to be put on palliative care and in a week or two, be placed in a nursing home. Sometime during the first week she told the staff “I will sleep well tonight" and she died during the night.

This young woman tells me "she willed herself to die, too afraid of losing her home and independence, that is how determined she was" and gave me a rather strange look.

I told her "Nonsense, her time had come and she had made peace with that. Our bodies fight to live, no matter what!"

I know all about praying for death and then it not coming. I am so glad to be alive and living free as much as possible!

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I got up at 4 pm. I went to laundry to get fish food out. On the door knob sat a very exhausted bee. I coaxed him on my finger and gave him a drink of water.

I then put some sugary water in the dog bowl with a rock in it for other bees to have a place to rest and get an energy boost. Springtime is hard work for bees, especially in our hotter climate.

I have re-discovered that I prefer the company of animals in my home, to humans. Less stressful and they contribute so much joy and serenity.

I will be an old lady, all wizened and wise and all alone in my cronedom, should Hashem decree I live that long. I often think of old Mrs Walker, my ancient neighbour, alone in her fisherman's cottage (my mother bought when she died!) It was so spartan and she was so very isolated.

Now I think she chose to live like that. A scottish old boiler who never relinquished her independence and more than likely felt safer that way. Ave, Effie. I take my hat off to Ye! I must have imprinted on you as a tiny tot as you and I share the same Destiny.

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6.10 am. Going to sleep soon. I had a great night at The Elephant, dancing with Berst. I love you, guys. You are such wonderful musicians and such genuine kind souls as well. I am proud to know such wonderful young men and love supporting your band with my wild dervishes and whoops!

I was also honoured to be showered with much affection when Sam, Kate, Shona, Jodie and Scottie came along and joined in the awesomeness with me and Karen. I really feel loved and valued.

It was really lovely to be at a venue where I was not being jostled, attacked and having to be Xena Warrior Viking Queen direct from Valhalla all night.

It is always more fun when you know security has your back as they are paid to do! So Kudos to the security at The Elephant also!

So I have had a long hot bath to ease my arthritic tootsies which spasm in pain from dancing in high heels (sexy but ouchies!), I have had a lovely chat to friends on Paltalk. I have let my chooks out to spend the day scratching in the garden.

So now it's good morning (Boker tov!) and Good night (Laila Tov!) from me. Xxxx

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Home from a good night out at Greenbank RSL. It was Lorrie's birthday and we all rocked out to the INXS tribute band.

Gail and I caught up with some old faces and exercised our karmic wit. It was hilarious!

6 September 2012

Today was my very generous childhood Benefactor's birthday. Cheers Lotte Jonas! Your day brought me Luck. Now my new Life begins, finally free of my mother and her Henchmen! I am Free at Last! Thank Hashem, FREE at last!

6 September 2011

Money came in today and went straight out on bills and food. Just buying basic food like meat and vegetables and necessaries cost $130 today. So I'm kind of freaking out but at least I'll have food for next 2 weeks. Just no money to go out with. Oh well. It was getting scary in my fridge which was getting very empty. Apart from that I had a nice day with Gail, who took me shopping at Aldi so I could save money, and we had lunch together.

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Necessities....don't you just love how I re-invent English then wonder why noone else knows what I'm talking about? LOL.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons