Memories: 4 January 2023

4 January 2024

It was a scathingly humid day today. My replacement cleaning lady arrived. A young woman from Afghanistan. She too, struggled with the intense humidity. I made us a drink of water with lime slices.

Late in the afternoon (around 5 pm) I took Charley for a walk around the block. It was a bit cooler by then.

Then I had yummy lasagne for dinner. Now watching “Thank you I’m sorry” on Netflix having finished watching Fargo season 5 on sbs.

4 January 2023

…

9:40 am Murmuration! Do not be afraid to break free of the mass formation psychosis and fly straight and courageously into your own world of your own freedom of choices, will and creativity.

Never let the bastards grind you down. We are buffetted by invisible currents, trammeled by deceivers or weak lacklustre “leaders”. But the group think will pass.

Awaken. Shine a light brightly in dark corners. Bloom.

…

Sipping bicarbonate of soda and water out of my Holmegaard glass. Old ladies abound. Spirits fly, bladders die but up she rises. I am very slightly better than yesterday. Mainly because I managed to sleep in between the constant pee breaks. Dammit.

But I think I will be okay. I will cut out tea (caffeine) and rest more and drink plenty of water and hope for the best. I still need to see a new doctor just so I have one for times like these.

I booked an appointment with the skin doctor too. Not looking forward to another ugly scar on my back. It should have been cut out last time but I was seriously carved into last time.

Feeling fragile at my mortality. Very fragile. But this is all part of Life. The breaking down at the end.

In the meantime…Charley just hopped across the lawns, climbed up on the table and is yelling “Hello” over and over again. Sweet little darling loves her Mama.

4 January 2022

11:16 pm oh my gosh where did that time go? No wonder I am exhausted! I just finished the little jewellery box that I have cherished since I was 14. It looked all faded and worn out. New leather, polished brass…and it looks refreshed.

Phew. I was thinking about throwing it out but glad I didn’t now. I did not think I would be able to renovate it so easily.

I am feeling rather impressed with myself. It’s amazing what a bit of glue, a hammer, and setting my teeth on edge can accomplish. :-)))

I worked so hard that I forgot to make dinner! I pinched my sciatic nerve this morning while cleaning my fish pond filter. So I can’t believe that I accomplished this with the amount of pain I am in.

Time to rest, have a cup of tea and watch some tv before I fall into bed.

Ahh well the gods /spirits did tell me on 25 June 2019 when I was on my last exhale that they were sending me back to “tie up loose ends”. I had no idea what they were talking about. I did not think I had any loose ends.

But here I have been, upcycling decades-old stuff and making it feel cherished again. Still unwilling to part with certain items. Then even buying more wooden boxes to do up. It’s a tad insane!

Also learning to sew little bags and a cushion from an old dress I wore as young girl. After all these years of “hoarding” I am finally putting these lovely things to good use!

Waste not, want not! Cherish everything, take delight in small things and value everything and if it no longer sparks joy…let it go!

4 January 2021

I have organised another mowing contracter tomorrow. $79. Holy hell!! I need to buy my own mower with my next advance as this is getting too expensive and untenable.

Megan Phillips: It will pay for itself in no time.

Me: when/if I get enough money to buy one but yes sick of paying a small Fortune every week or fortnight.

Although this lawn kills lawnmowers so I will need to be able to afford a self propelling one (about $800) or a ride on mower (they cost $5000).

Other option (a hard one ....) is I ask for a transfer to a smaller property.

Money is chipping away on fucking lawnmowing. Money I was holding onto for my Cannibis oil treatment. But the pharmacy never got back to me and my anxiety has lessened somewhat so I might give that a miss too. Too much money anyway.

Megan Phillips: I had been feeling overly anxious in the lead up to xmas, more so than normal...I note there are new five g towers around me so perhaps that is why...$79 is sooo much money for lawns, over here they would assist with lawns if you have a disability.

Me: no assistance. I have tried in even more dire situations. Was treated by utter rudeness and disdain by the Rotary club I reached out to in desperation. I will never support many of the charities after the rude abusive treatment I was on the receiving end of over too many years.

All good.. I have survived. I will manifest a lawnmower so I can stay in my home.

Megan Phillips: yes you will manifest a moa my cuzn, it will come....best before next mo as that's a rip off.

Me: Just tried calling the “No interest loan scheme” to try to get a loan for a self propelling lawnmower. They are still on holiday break.

I will try calling them again next week. I hate to get loans but hopefully it won’t cost more than what I am already paying for mowing contractors. Then as you say, after about 10 mows it will have paid itself off.

Although I will have ongoing problems of maintenance and servicing.

I used to black out trying to mow my yard but in Those days I was also mowing the council verge which thankfully is now done by BCC.

I am also bit healthier these days ie not on heavy psych meds and a bit fitter so if I get my own mower I can do the lawns in sections...rest then do rest.

Update: I eventually got a NILS loan in March 2022. I mowed the lawn twice. Nearly killed me. I had bought a very powerful self propelling lawn mower and I still Struggled to mow the grass as I lacked lung capacity.

I stored it under my house for another 6 months then sold it as I feared it becoming a rusting useless hulk and totally wasting my money. I am still paying it off until March 2023.

On the upside I got assistance from QCSS via the Islamic Womens Associstion of australia so the grass gets regularly mowed by one of their contractors who does an excellent job.

…

4 January 2020

…

I must be still very intimidating in my sexuality!

A rather nice maori man approached me last night. (But nothing too close!). And with perfect manners he said “May I ask you for a dance!” And smiled.

I replied “of course, since you asked me so nicely!” I was actually quite delighted as it is rare for such sweetness and courtly manners.

But hypervigilant Tanya (smelling another game rat!) glanced to the left just in time to notice two men laughing and giggling and giving their friend two thumbs up like it was a joke or a fucking bet. Hmmmm. So I looked at one of them (who was acting the most silly and motioned with my hand pressing horizontally to the floor to chill the fuck out).

He laughed but looked a tad embarasssed that he had been recognised as a douche. So my new “suitor” danced in front of me and I danced along (but we maintained a distance of about a metre which was comfortable but true to form, the bet had been “won” and he turned his back and danced off.)

Hahaha. I must make the casino a fortune in inadequate school boys trumped up as men setting bets on who the casino Bitch will dance with.

But I didn’t get upset. Let it roll off my shoulders. It’s not my fault I am too much Woman for most men. I mean, the gods built me this way from soo many ground zeros it’s a living miracle I am still alive and dancing at all.

Let the men “play”. I prefer it when they don’t get all grabby and up in my face and a wise guy knows that.

I was wearing my white outfit with my underbust corset and tulle petticoat skirt (with another petticoat underneath so it’s not see-through) that drives men completely fucking wild! (Rolls eyes...Jesus!)

Sally said I looked like a toilet brush doll. I just said “story of my life...”. I don’t even give a fuck what any of my so-called superficial “friends” have to say.

I felt beautiful and powerful and that is all that matters. Let the envy and spite reside with their original owner. Lol

I had a good night in spite of the usual spite. Like a Legend! I even got into my trance like zone a couple of times. (Somewhere about the third wind!) it was nice to feel completely free and wild and dance into the light for a few minutes.

In childhood I had a little jewellery box with a little dancing ballerina doll that twisted and turned to a song. I can’t remember the actual melody but I used to love that little dancer all alone in her box that had to be wound up to dance.

Lmao. Funny how some things become metaphors for one’s life. But I have my own little box where I can retreat from the World of lascivious capricious foul men and I only come out to dance for my own enjoyment so they can “wind me up” but it only ever goes bad for them as I am a free spirit and wild and love music and my own absurdist life and that has become my Superpower.

…

A fortune teller some years ago told me I would have a “choice” to leave this life during a surgery but that if I came back it would be a living hell of apocalyptic proportions. She predicted I would lose pets and there would be fires and even a volcanic explosion. That I would have to survive it all.

I thought it seemed so strange that I kinda pushed it aside.

But here we are. I am bearing witness to this horror. I have barely survived the asthma brought on by smoke from some of the first fires here in Brisbane.

Barely survived the loss of so many pets.

Barely surviving the intense heat wrought by climate change and my aging woman’s body.

Barely survived my own rage at the intense enormity of current conditions.

But at time of writing I have still been kept relatively safe. So far so good.

Like most Australians I wonder how much more we will need to survive. How much worse it will get? What can we do as a collective to put the brakes on our own imminent destruction?

It seems hopeless. I spent decades lost in despair under constant brutal attack. Now I advocate for courage and a fierce determination to find a way (with the help of the gods!) to heal our planet.

Yet we are again on the brink of another war as if people losing homes and all the millions of wildlife deaths and human death is not enough for the global Elites.

I should have died rather than be party to all of this. But the gods and a certain defiant Tanya’s higher mind decreed otherwise. So on we go. Living. Loving. Hoping. Praying. Dancing. Coping.

Until the day comes when I cannot endure anymore. Psy sighs!

…

11:11 am. Angels and spirits that love us. Heal our mortal wounds. Rain in perfect balance upon Australia where it is most needed. Restore the imbalance created by humans. Love us and show us mercy. “they know not what they do!”

Protect the earth and all lifeforms.

Amen v’ selah. Thank you. Aho!

…

3:25 am. Home from a great night of dancing. Sigal who was born in Tel Aviv danced to a slow semi-erotic song with me. I had to laugh in a way. Two jewish women dancing wildly on Oneg Shabbat. Enjoying what is left of our lives.

I went through several winds beyond the point of exhaustion. It was a long slow hobble to the 7-11 to buy an egg sandwich and a coconut water. I was ravenous after the epic dancing.

The guys in the band “Venus Envy” don’t seem to like me much. I don’t care. I have been dancing there for 8 years and none of the other bands have any issues with me (as far as I know!)

I miss Alter Egos and I hope the Treasury Casino brings back “the Disco Disciples” who put on a great show and are always friendly and happy to see me. I would like to see Ramjet more often too (they don’t like me either lol!) but I like their playing.

Anyways I am in a fair bit of pain in my muscles from the dancing. It is too much for me these days. I really pushed myself as Mustang Kwe is infamous for doing. Push push push...

So I am soaking in a hot Epsom salt bath to ease the tension and get a hit of magnesium. I must buy some magnesium tablets to take orally as well.

Hopefully I sleep well when I get to bed!

A few people asked me why I was not there on NYE? I said I stayed home as I hate crowded spaces. But nice to see my absence was noted.

There was a lot of love in the room last night. It was quite Magickal. Even the security guards seemed relaxed and happy. It was lovely to witness!

4 January 2019

…

Trigger warning: discussion of putrid vaginas, and epic debilitating diarrhoea (a side effect of my defunct gall bladder which nearly killed me). Also suicide and treachery. And cloying obsessional friends.

In my debrief on Wednesday, I spoke about how I felt like I was being wrapped in cellophane and how some people were clawing at me, wanting me for their own agendas, or love addictions or control dramas whilst others were always pushing me away or holding me at bay. Like the man I love.

I told my doctor that next time I see him I will pretend that I am looking through Perspex, through another dimension, pretend he cannot reach my heart. My doctor quipped “That won’t work, Tanya” I sighed. “I know. My love is too real”.

Later that evening Karen rang me to tell me that she felt that Dave was trying to taunt me or push me into doing something silly to myself. She meant suicide.

I laughed and told her that will never happen. He has no power over me and I am an incredibly good woman and G-d is still, rather mysteriously, on my side. We both laughed.

Am I bluffing? Is he, the man I fell in love wit, really so evil that he is trying to kill me? Or is Karen, like many other women friends, trying to keep me for herself, for selfish reasons. Sabotaging me and making me feel “insane”.

She rang to tell me Dave was with Sarah on NYE, they had gone to watch the fireworks together, and that Sarah stunk so bad from her vagina that Karen started retching and when Sarah asked her what her problem was, Karen told her she stinks foul. Dave looked at her and said “how can you say that?” While Sarah just gasped open mouthed in shock. “It’s true!” said Karen.

I laughed but in truth it’s equally horrifying that Dave was with Sarah and can’t smell her rotten vagina.

Also it was good that I was not there. (I stayed home as I had had epic diarrhoea so bad that I had to stand in the bath and let it all flow then had to shower and scrub the bath with Domestos). So although I felt fine by nighttime, I wasn’t game to go out dancing, in case it happened again while I was out.

My gut literally saved me from seeing him and Sarah taunt me (was that his plan?!) Maybe Karen is just paranoid as she seems in love (or obsessed?!) with me and wants me for herself.

She put pressure on me the last few days: lots of texts and a demand to come here on the weekend to sleepover. I said No. I laid low for 2 days then she told me this information about Dave and Sarah B. She was quite gleeful.

So I need to regroup. Who is trying to control me via my love affairs or potential partners?

Last week, Boxing Day, Terrie dumped on me about her broken love affair then when I felt triggered to ring Dave she told me not to. I looked deep into her eyes and said “Don’t sabotage” but the call was cancelled anyway so I left it until the next day to text him a series of texts. (When I was alone!)

So really, it is all so much evil perverted sabotage. Karen does it too.

So this tells me that I am meant to be a shaman and live without any love partner, as every time it comes close to manifesting, I get all this negativity, and codependent acting-out shit from my friends or the actual lover.

Today I held my three love heart rocks in my hands and begged the gods/the Holy One to let me have my love partnership with Dave (I think he wants to come back to me but is still scared!)

Lynne in NZ thinks that too. Both she and my psychiatrist correctly intuited that Dave would show up to the casino at Christmas. (He did, on 22 Dec).

It was powerful as Alter Egos played the Iris song that I had sent him on 2 Dec and I melted down with raw emotion and a deep and powerful love only to look up at him to see him watching and singing the song too.

I was also being watched by Jenny, Brendan and her son, Robert and Sarah L. and Tony: all my ex friends. It was extremely painful but I held my space.

After 2 more songs I saw Dave’s cousin Chris say “let’s go!” to Dave so they both left. I left shortly after. Exhausted emotionally and physically from dancing two nights plus celebrating at Tichsia’s birthday dinner earlier that evening.

On New Year’s Day, in the evening, Julie came over and we did the ritual together for us both to thrive. It felt wonderful. We both got chills.

Then on Wednesday arvo Karen called to tell me about Dave showing up with Sarah and that she thinks he is deliberately trying to push me over the edge to kill me.

That evening I went to Terrie for a cup of tea and she told me she is my family now. She was loving and Bobo snuggled up with her and I took photos and put them in fb. We had a nice time.

Yesterday I went to Carindale shops to get a few groceries and had lunch but came straight home and spent most of day in my hammock, reading. I felt incredibly sad at all the different people trying to pull my energy.

Karen asked me to go to The Elephant but I demurred. I said I was going with Krysie James to Coochiemudlo but in truth she has not confirmed with me so I doubt it will happen. I just need a break from a Karen obsessing over me too.

4 January 2018

I just saw my psychiatrist. He told me he is delighted to see so much joy and love and calm in my face. It is what he has wished for me all along.

I told him that I could see a beautiful glow in his face also. He told me had spent the day in Byron Bay yesterday and he thought of me often as he knows that I have often spoken of that magical healing space, my zenzone.

I laughed. “I see you finally understand why I love that place so much. You now have the Byron Contagion”. He said it was the most beautiful place he has ever seen with the mountains in the background, and the beaches and the sea. I nodded.

I am so happy for him! I told him to encourage all his patients to visit and soak in the sea as often as they can as it will eventually heal them also. No more medication needed when you have the gods, Byron Bay Bliss and the sea.

Thank you to the Holy One who creates miracles every day and brings peace and joy and unconditional infinite Love to all existence. Amen!

4 January 2017

This is funny as I actually have a psychiatrist, have been followed by a private investigator that Buck Scherer stalked me with, have worked at the Police Academy (nasty bunch of backstabbers but thank god for my friends I had there), when police follow me now I take it as a compliment as I am sexy and righteous!!!

4 January 2015

6.47 am Utterly exhausted after dancing all night at the Elephant and then at Casino. Got home at 5 am.

Whoa! Can't feel my feet! I got closure with the fucktard lying scumbag Wiglet I am in love with.

So glad I danced all night. When in doubt keep moving onwards and upwards to Infinity and Beyond.

…

2.09 pm. Awake again. I was very sick when I came home from dancing. I went out on an empty stomach with no money to buy a meal or drinks out. I danced all night, stomping and whirling out my rage at that useless lying mother-fucker who has screwed me over for 12 months now.

I came home feeling tired and really nauseous. Spent until 8 am dry-retching and in terrible stomach pains. At one point I thought I might die.

I had 2 jds that a lovely asian girl insisted on buying me at the casino. I was very surprised as I had only just met her. She danced with me and said she knew me through Jo and sees me all the time at Irish Murphys and the casino.

I told her I didn't want her to buy me a drink as they are so expensive. (I was already feeling a bit queasy). She led me through the dancefloor to the bar and bought me a drink. Before I knew it she bought me a second one.

I said, Thank you so much but I have to drive home soon, so please don't buy me any more drinks. She said “No worries, have as much as you want, I have a card”. Then we both went Off, dancing wildly. Lovely girl!

I was very touched as it is almost always women who spoil me by buying me drinks, with no agenda except that I dance with them and have a good time.

At 4.30 am I was chatting to Kim and some young middle-eastern man tried to give me a Corona. I didn't know him from Adam. It was all very odd. Next thing he pulled out his car keys and offered to let me drive his car to pick up my car from Margaret st.

I said that is a little bit too much, too soon. I told him to be a gentleman with my friend Kim then staggered back to my car. As soon as I got home, I was violently ill.

I had a wonderful night and the dancing was just what I needed after Wiglet Mofo let me down for the final time. I can barely walk. Still feel sick to my stomach, but I will be ready to bounce back by Friday again :-).

I just need to keep moving forward in the Dance of Life and remember how many wonderful people are in my life that more than make up for Wiglet.

I adored that man but now is time to let it all go. Oh and I need a good hearty meal. I get paid on Tuesday. There will be feasting!

4 January 2014

Just woke up after only 3 hours sleep. Extremely overheated so gave Tabitha some water and myself a glass of lemonade. Going out with Crystal and Keith and Max to see The Hobbit. Will try to sleep til 3 pm. I need more than 3 hours sleep.

…

I came home from a great night out dancing with the beautiful Sarah B. , relieved to find Tabitha Hen still alive. She is blind though, but she is alive, not eating yet, but I gave her water and some mushed up bread with some honey (I figured that would be palatable and give her energy). She only ate a tiny bit and still very weak so I guess it's still touch and go.

I had a rather spiritual night. Met some odd characters. One young man from El Salvador who was very taken with me (but too young lol) who claimed to be a Brujo, then later in the morning some chappy who claimed to be a Viking.

Sarah saw my look of interest and bemusement as she knows I love Viking men (well, genuine descendants of Vikings lol). So I asked him if he had Scottish forebears and he said he did, so that made him a possible Viking as my ancestors the Andersons originally hailed from Scandinavia also. However I was not the least bit attracted to him, and he was in rather a sorry state, so hohum...lol.

So the Universe (Aka HASHEM!) teased me all night with potential suitors who were all most unsuitable but were very much vibing in a similar well… Vibe to mine. Hmmmm, is this a sign, that someone is coming into my life who is not an inveterate drunk, psychopath, drug abuser or man-child? I wonder if that is even possible???? lol. Got me thinking though, about the quest for True Love and the teasers from the Ultimate Trickster.

Very funny...unless you happen to be Me!

Oh and the other hilarious thing was as we were walking back to the car, some young African man tried to pick us up at the pedestrian crossing, (it was a night of so many attractions of the bizarre kind) so I told him we were not interested and if he didn't leave us alone, I was a witch and I would turn him into a frog and feed him to a lion.

He said, “Oh I am frightened now” and turned a lighter shade of black...lol. I laughed gleefully and he ran like hell down the road so I yelled after him that I had put a spell on him and now he's mine (a Hocus Pocus movie reference!) and he ran even faster (even doing a cute little skip midair!)

Sarah and I laughed so much. She did not know that Africans are terrified of witchcraft or magic. So yeah he was easy to get rid of.

At 5 in the morning after dancing wildly all night on high heels and fending off so many odd people, sex is the last thing on our minds. lol.

4 January 2013

At Fusion Dental, Stones Corner waiting for colour matching for my new two front teeth! Woohoo! Soon will be a finished product with a perfect Smirk! Exciting! (but sooo tired as I had to get up early as the bloody neighbours had workmen grinding away from 8 am so that was really annoying!)

Efrain Pardo: as long as you smile..

4 January 2012

My beautiful Lyn spent the day with me. She brought me bags and bags of pinecones for my brazier so that was awesome. We sat outside under the trees at the rear of my property chatting for hours and hours.

My crazy Romanian Neighbour John heard our voices, jumped the fence and came and sat and talked with us for a few hours too. It was nice. He is a bit sweet on Lyn though which is a problem as she is married. I think he knows it is hopeless though LOL.

4 January 2011

I took a break from obsessive cleaning catch-up, and went to Carindale shops with Jarrod so I could buy dogbones for Miss Bella Rosa, and some assorted hardware to finish annoying odd jobs around the house, oh and a big bottle of O-Cedar Oil. I was too tired to get stuck in when I got home but Manana...

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons