Memories: 30 November 2023

30 November 2023

30 November 2022

Yesterday I was beset by a very strange synchronicity. I was watching Wednesday (Wednesday Adams of the Adams family!). There was a scene where she gets revenge on her high school bullies who attacked her little brother, by unleashing bags of actual piranha into the school swimming pool during their session.

I almost fell off my couch in surprise! Why? Well, two weekends ago, on a Saturday night at the Livewire Bar I was explaining to some new acquaintances that there are distinct waves as the night progresses of men who form sort of packs.

As they drink themselves sober they becoming increasingly desperate, and therefore dangerous. I explained that this is based on my observations of them over 12 years of dancing out in the Brisbane music scene.

I said the first wave usually starts around 11 pm and I call them “crocodiles” then the next wave around midnightish I call “sharkies” then the most deceptive and dangerous wave arises between 2 and 3 pm that “witching hour” that I refer to as the “fuckfest” which is usually the most intense at 3 am.

I said the men will suddenly and perceptibly give themselves a bit of a shake, like a wet dog then this predatory almost demonic light will spark up in their eyes (accompanied by a predatorial intense stare) then they move in, hoping that we women will be either so drunk or so broken down by hours of intense exercise that we will go home with them.

Historically this used to happen…for those of us who still had a libido and hadn’t realised how feckless, false and downright predatory these “grey wolves” as I call them truly are.

Now that is not to say that sometimes there are some lovely men moving in these scenes. But they are rarer than werewolves and hard to recognise amongst the bloodletting bloodlust and the fuckfest.

But other women have found lovely men. So maybe it’s their dharma or maybe I am too cynical but anyway…

One of the women asked me, nodding in the general direction of a man whose eyes had just lit up like reptilian scales had been sharded from his eyes...

“…so Tanya, what animal is he?”

He had been dancing around our orbit for a while, harmless enough, had not really bothered us. I subconsciously marked the time. I said “It must be close to 3 am”. I was wrong. It was 2:06 am. But still the same energy. lol.

I wrinkled my nose in consternation. Sniffing the air like a pack leader of Women accustomed to running with the wolves! “Time to go home, Ladies…the feasting will begin...”

“But what animal is he?” They asked again. I smirked. “That one…that one is probably a very nice man in ordinary life outside the club…but…. Tonight he is a piranha! He is already eating you from the ankles up!”

He danced rapidly past us, gnawing at our psyches like a vicious little fish. Just keep swimming, Boyo!

The Tanya sees you! Sad but true!

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I just had my debrief with my worthy psychiatrist. We have arranged for us to meet at his clinic next session (two weeks). He currently has another dose of Covid. I said “As long as you are over the Covid by then as after all, as always I am both freeballing and freefalling”. We both laughed.

It’s insane. This living in fear of Death whilst simultaneously riding shotgun with Life. But that is my Way. The way of a trauma survivor. Glib and salient and self aware.

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30 November 2021

Heavy rain here! Grateful for the rain but….moderation Thor, moder…fucking…ation!

30 November 2020

Slings and arrows of outrageous fortune..feckless false lovers and their strumpets. Hahaha scream into the Void as The Tanya has an armour of Amour that is stronger than Titanium and reflective like a black mirror. Fear not! I am Whom I am Becoming.

More and more true to my inner knowing and Self: shining bright like a diamond even if only truly loved, valued and Seen by my four-legged ones and a certain two-legged descendant of velociraptors. Recycling of souls in strange new forms by living my own psychedelic dream with grace and aplomb and watching the lacklustre curs and their venereal games....priceless.

So many men tried to kill me yet here I sit in my own hardwon under-estimated Magnificence. I have to giggle. It’s truly Sublime and I am filled with gratitude for my God, all the gods, my angels and a very worn out bedraggled guardian Angel.

They send me into the fray and each time I come out sparkling with some new gift or insight. Just for today...breathe and honour my own Evolution.

30 November 2019

11:11 pm today was a good day even if breathing was rather difficult and I had a panic attack. Fighting on with the love and support of my friends (and angels!)

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Asthma bad but my spirits are much brighter after Lyn’s visit and the Blessèd rain.

Thank you Lyn for the help with groceries. Love you!

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Time to let Sophie go soon. She is still not gaining weight and although active has a weird look in her eyes. I will make the final Decision early next week.

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Can anyone suggest places I might be able to move to within Queensland (due to the entrapment of Dept of housing as I cannot transfer out of this state). I am thinking somewhere a bit closer to Byron. There is nothing left for me in Brisbane anymore. Only more death and decay. Time for a fresh start.

I will be deeply saddened to relinquish this house but all the signs (and epic punishing misery) show me my time here is done and dusted. I will have to try to sell the remaining chattels as I can’t even afford to move.

Kept like a wild animal in a three ring circus. Hunted by former lovers and their creepy gfs. Abandoned when I am ill. So only “answer” is move on out or up or suicide.

Nothing has ever worked out for me here. There must be somewhere safe for me somewhere. Where I will be treated with healthy regard. Me and my pets of course.

From the comment section:

Laura Martin: Please remember the many people who love and support you and your right to live your life in peace. I know all too well how discouraged and battle-weary we can become. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. We must not let them win! You are loved. You are cherished. You have my deepest respect and undying loyalty. I am sending you much love, light and healing energy! 💞😽💖🥰

Kelly Anne: If you move will you have to switch psychs & start over in that dept also? Its a lot to consider. Sorry you feel yuu are being forced into taking such drastic action to survive. Youve been thru enough already.

Heather Skene: People keep telling me to get out more and join some clubs!!!😂🤣😅

Heather Skene: I don’t think any of us can walk out of our lives Tanya, we just need to get on with the next few minutes and in saying that I’d better get cracking. Heaps to do xx

Me: Heather it is deeply terrifying to put yourself out into the world. I have to go to things with a great force of will and deep trepidation.

In the old days I used to have to take a Valium when I went anywhere new or strange.

I no longer do that. I turn up in all my blazing anxiety flowing effluviently like a real Mad woman but a fierce and determined Warrior Goddess. Which is why it is so utterly foul, perverted and evil when ex lovers bring their floosies to stalk, taunt or harass me on some level.

A weakness on their part as they have tried to utterly destroy me and now are doomed by the gods and by magic to insipidly slavishly follow me everywhere like the vermin they truly are.

Funny when I come to think about it. That is the calibre of my love and light.

But I know one thing: real love does not abuse/betray/neglect or abandon.

And our Dave has been consistent and watches me with a measure of awe these past few months.

So our heart connection (although twisted and interfered with by something cruel and perverted!) remains quite intense and pure at its core (or I would not feel His approach each fucking time!)

I must try to forgive and remember that many are so jealous of my heart, mind and existence: even in my extreme poverty and brokenness.

They need to learn to walk with their own gods and daemons and get off my vibe. It’s an individual journey: becoming one’s own god/goddess. It is nothing I can gift to him or others.

So yes Heather. Go out into the world, there are deep teachings and amongst the dross and filth which is impossible to always avoid...alas...there are also jewels you will

Discover in yourself and in others.

Fear not! Take life by the horns and balls and shake that “scrotum”. and go out to play. Life will always surprise and delight you. I can promise you that much.

Heather Skene: Takes a lot of courage. You have that for sure.

Me: It did not happen overnight. I had to mould and create it over the decades. Just pick something relatively kind...then go for it.

I can highly recommend Ecstatic Dance if they have that in your area. It opens you up Spiritually. (Not immediately but over time!). Also you will be in the company of other healers and mostly good kind folk. Build a community and an energy that is soul-nurturing.

And to be frank I am not always courageous..sometimes I am just determined and stand on my very last nerve...(the most dangerous one...) in spaces confronted by the most foul and evil as I have done many times in the past.

Because I allow no man woman or child to stop me from living my life joyously...if they don’t like it they can scurry along and be awesome somewhere else.

I do crave for a true nurturing supportive lover/partner and a peaceful easy fun loving existence. I can almost sense it coming. But I have been fooled before, so I am in an agony of angst. I cannot even trust in Hope that gilded treacherous goddess anymore.

Psy Sighs.

The blue mountains are beautiful but I can’t transfer interstate or I would have been in Byron by now.

Caloundra is an interesting option though. At least it’s by the sea!

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30 November 2018

Home from my dr. Now have to wait for booking at QE2. Ugh. Then see skin cancer dr on Tuesday. Chipping away at health issues slowly.

All good. All very good.

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“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose!”

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Going to my doctor to book in for another colonoscopy. As if I haven’t seen enough of my own shit with the plumbing issues. Ghastly.

But from end stage trauma patient’s end productive processing of a rather shitty existence comes beautiful enriching fertile life force. A force to be reckoned with. Strong, vital, loving force of Gaia. Turning shit to spiritual gold.

(Um yeah whatever...tell me that when I am glugging bleach flavoured bowel purging fluid by the gallon).

Gross. Why am I even stuck in this moribund defunct body? Anyone?!

It’s for the capricious gods.

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Charlie is having Tree Time and pooping on Mama T in her hammock. It’s not spiritual gold but it is yellow watery lorikeet shit. Yummy! If you like that sort of thing!

He aims rather perfectly. One might even think it is quite deliberate. ;-)

30 November 2017

I have taken The Beau and The Charlie for a walk to the dog park as Beauregard needs a walk and I thought it might cool my ire. The bird and dog had fun as I sat on the ground and threw the ball for Beau who likes to bring it back about a metre shy of me so I have to struggle to reach the thing.

Psychopath! But I had Charlie’s stick so I beat Beauregard at his own game by reaching for the ball with the stick and after a while he got better at playing nicely.

Some guy turned up with his border collie and of course Beauregard barked and snarled at it through the small dog enclosure fence so Cooper teased him constantly cos what fun it is to rile up a grumpy arsehole of a hound!

The guy apologised but I just thought it was kinda amusing how even through wire mesh my boy wants to take on the dog-god world. He certainly has my spirit and perhaps a large dose of complex ptsd of his own!

Eventually he settled into chasing his ball and watching Charlie constantly crave De Mama’s kisses like a psychedelic dreaming love addict. We sat there for a while then walked back home.

It’s humid and threatening to rain but Beauregard is content after his walk and lying under my feet as I write. Charlie is outside in his cage and I am a bit calmer. For now!

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I am gonna have to give up and buy a new iPhone as my iPhone 6+ no longer plays videos on fb (very slow buffering). I was hoping to save money by extending the use of this one. I can’t really afford a new contract. Nor another laptop. So frustrating.

Oh well, yesterday I pulled out my ukelele and tuned it and tried to learn a few songs. That kept me busy for a while although it will be a long while before I am proficient. I am not very good at playing music.

I try not to focus on all the things I am not good at or my life becomes utterly useless and pointless and I spiral into depression.

It rained most of yesterday which was lovely as it has been so humid and intense.

This morning I woke early, feeling a strange nostalgia for all the things that went wrong in my life and wishing it could have been better. But wishing/hoping/praying gets me nowhere but spiralling under.

Devolution to evolution, desecration to consecration, destruction to reconstruction. I have rebuilt from ground zero and still I languish in the shallow Shadowlands.

I wonder? How much longer can I exist like this? But then I shuck off the shame. I am a living goddess miracle who survived against all the odds, in poverty, in abuse, in complex ptsd, in major depression, without real enduring love.

The failure to thrive baby that vomited and fought her way through childhood, motherhood, and barely survived her own precious broken heart.

Now I sit in my Cronedom. Alone. Estranged. Forgotten. Beaten down. But still so Bold. So much beauty. Visceral and visible. I can almost pluck the strings of my own Music that screams like a river, deep inside my strangled burning Soul.

Ahhh. Forget about it. These were the things denied me. I wanted them but they always slipped away. Ghosts of the psychedelic dream. Plucked like the flower of Life and strewn like petals for an intransigent bride to step upon on her walk to her own slavery.

The gods are smiling. Wicked trickster liars, all! But such fun!

Update 2018: A year has gone. Still have not practised my ukulele. But lots of soul growth, yes ma’am.

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I have taken The Beau and The Charlie for a walk to the dog park as Beauregard needs a walk and I thought it might cool my ire.

The bird and dog had fun as I sat on the ground and threw the ball for Beau who likes to bring it back about a metre shy of me so I have to struggle to reach the thing. Psychopath! But I had Charlie’s stick so I beat Beauregard at his own game by reaching for the ball with the stick and after a while he got better at playing nicely.

Some guy turned up with his border collie and of course Beauregard barked and snarled at it through the small dog enclosure fence so Cooper teased him constantly cos what fun it is to rile up a grumpy arsehole of a hound!

The guy apologised but I just thought it was kinda amusing how even through wire mesh my boy wants to take on the dog-god world. He certainly has my spirit and perhaps a large dose of complex ptsd of his own!

Eventually he settled into chasing his ball and watching Charlie constantly crave De Mama’s kisses like a psychedelic dreaming love addict. We sat there for a while then walked back home.

It’s humid and threatening to rain but Beauregard is content after his walk and lying under my feet as I write. Charlie is outside in his cage and I am a bit calmer. For now!

…

I just had a shower to tamp down my boiling rage and wash out my oily hair and was shocked to see how black my eye sockets are. I thought I slept ok last night.

Man, the only thing keeping me alive is guts and glory! Amazing, n’est-ce pas!

30 November 2016

@ Lyn's place. I had a quick but delicious swim. Now we are awaiting a huge storm that is blowing through. Due to hit in 45 minutes.

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Having trouble sleeping. I have a very sore right ear which something (I think a spider) bit me on, about 8 am yesterday morning. But now it hurts to sleep on it. Dammit.

I have been in the wars lately. My ankles hurt too, but that is probably from the summer heat and the long walks I have had, plus the dancing on Friday night.

I was watering the new turf, but had been up the back garden to water as well, when I felt something sting my ear. I plucked it off me (dreading a tick) but it was a greenish colour. So without my glasses on, I assumed it was a spider but I had flicked it to the ground and could not see it on the grass.

Meh! I will survive. Always do!

I will drink some ice cold water and think of Aussie. Bloody hell this place is slowly killing me (or is it old age and bad luck and creepy crawlies?)

I am tired but itchy. (My skin cancer site on my shoulders are driving me nuts too.) that and all the nocturnal peeing. Man on Pause is not for sissies, even if we are doing it for ourselves, and in my case have been completely independent for close to 22 years.

Sometimes I just need a hug and 10 million dollars. Oh and chocolate! Hahaha.

30 November 2015

Bev is now threatening to sue me and accuses me of exhausting and dehydrating Alcide but sent me an account for over $600 with no letterhead of her alleged vet so I can confirm diagnosis and she has slandered me in her Pomeranian group page.

She demanded I pay back money for her and my vet as well as pay for a full bag of science dog biscuits (she gave me about a third of a bag full when I brought him home).

She also demands I send back his toys with the funds to a PO Box no. No address although stupidly she left it on one of her invoices.

Julie Goddard: science diet shit is bad for animals . little do most people know they put specks of rubber in the food to fill them up longer ... rubber!!!! of all things ... Eukenuba is the worst for it ... dont worry about her she seems like a real piece of work , typical psychotic female ... and this is why I stay away from people, most have no decorum, it all about her ego...

Terina Edwards: Call her bluff

Sherry Paris: I'd ignore her. She was money hungry and is seeing how much she can get out of you. She's done this before.

30 November 2014

Hot in my house again. Stifling! I guess another storm is coming!

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5.01 am I could have danced all night. So I did. Can't walk this morning.

I made a new friend with a lovely asian woman, named Nina. We rocked out all night. It was awesome.

Now for a hot bath in epsom salts as my achilles heels are killing me.

5.52 am my mouth is really sore and swollen at the site of the injection. So I did some coconut oil pulling for 20 mins. It seems to have eased the pain somewhat, but if no better by tomorrow I will ring QE 2 and ask to see them, for antibiotics as I can see there is an infection there.

I had such a terrible time a year ago with a tooth extraction which caused a dry socket that still hurts occasionally but they can't find anything wrong there, and now this crazy shit.

I can't say she was rough with me like that horrible Russian dentist but my immune system did not like that injection at all. She didn't inject the top tooth so perhaps she already knew the lower tooth was reacting at the site. Hmmm, not happy, Tanya.

Oh, well, one more health problem to overcome. At least I found the stamina to dance last night. My feet pay the price but the rest of my flabby body just loves it. I feel so clear-headed this morning. Body tired but mind is sharp as a tack. Which is unusual given how sore I am.

30 November 2010

New lawyer, more Affadaviting, more trauma, mentally exhausted and just plain blah, but had a nice time shopping today.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Aron