Memories: 30 March 2023

30 March 2024

A quiet day. I still feel fatigued. I went through my trance drumming notes. A few interesting things amidst the psychobabble. Time will tell what manifests in 3D reality…if at all. Life is interesting.

30 March 2023

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My first wax ring demands to be a religious talisman. Hmm what PROTECTION AM I NEEDING?!

I dare not question it too much. The Holy One knows…and my secular Neshamah knows. To every season…there is a turning…and a returning. 😉

Sometimes I forget I am a Jew. Also forget I am mortal. It’s a kind of insanity…keeping faith in G-d in dark demonic hellridden dance spaces in a world seeped in its own gene altering blood.

I tried to warn them…but it fell on deaf ears and blind eyes. Even the “intellectuals” now admit they were played for fools.

But now I must dance on the bodies of my enemies as Kali and tear my hair out as I watch the illnesses pervade humanity. Soul death along with physical death as they worshipped at the feet of Moloch or that other unmentionable demon because they wanted to believe the deception that we would all be safe.

Ayayayay. There is no safety in “madness”.

Only God decides who merits a safe and peaceful prosperous healthy life and that energy denied me of that long enough.

So He throws me crumbs, lifelines and sends “angels” to assist me and bids me not forget Him (Her).

How can any mortal ever ever forget that we pass through this life but once in each incarnation so we bloody well better make the best of a bad situation and hold true to what is eternal…our souls.

Yerushalayim!!! Another holy sacred site I will very likely never see or feel or touch with my entire body and soul as the gods denied me prosperity and strength and a loving partner.

C’est la vie…Bitches…yes….c’est la bloody vie.

But I am making my jewellery if only as a distraction from the madness that is seeping like an invisible rising damp.

Keeping vain vague Hope alive.

Blessed is the Holy One, the true Judge.

…and it occurs to me… even if I did work myself almost to Death (my honourable Mistress!) and got somehow the money to visit Jerusalem and all the other sacred spaces I wish to see…

I am an ungrateful churlish petulant woman who after all my yearning would probably get there and go “Meh…this is not what I expected…next….!”

So the gods know best that my true love must be nurtured from Within and the external dreams, aspirations, longings, desires, whims, will disappear like the beckoning mirages to a woman dying in a desert, thirsty for god and goddess but her thirst never slaked because it’s a big big universe and there is always MORE to attain and more to Dream and it’s endless and unattainable.

So wake up Tanya. Know Thyself. Do what can and must be done to survive and let the mirages become the kaleidoscopic shadows on the Walls of your Mind.

Emet.

The dream has become a nightmare and a curse and the timelines need recalibrating but…it may be too little too late.

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The times of tribulations are intensifying…many around me are struck down with manifestations of illness and other evils. Hold the line. My prayers are sent out to those currently facing major health crises. But I am not G-d and can only do so much.

Let love be your guide as always. Peace be upon us all xxx.

I had a powerful dream this morning. Of trying to drive up a mountain range but my car could not hold its clutch in the steep terrain. So I panicked and abandoned my car, walking through forests.

A huge snake that was not smiling or friendly like the carpet python that visited my garden recently but wanted to eat Charlie, lunged itself at me. It was angry and aggressive, its body coiling up like a cobra but hurling at me. I stepped back in horror. I said to myself “this snake is angry because it is hungry, it can’t help itself. So I am a threat!”

I threw a chunk of something that looked like wurst or possibly bread (in real life snakes don’t eat bread lol) but it devoured the lump of food I threw at it and it settled back down momemtarily. I walked away from crazy snake person feeling relieved and happy to get away in safety.

The dream continued…I walked along dirt roads, some not wide enough for my car to traverse….I came across a village with various shops. One was Dan Murphys. (I probably could do with a stiff drink after my encounter with the angry hungry lunging snake. lmao).

I look around at the other shops. It had a feel like Mt Tambourine or possibly Montville. Lots of sunny golden light bouncing off the exteriors of the shops.

Lovely, I thought. But suddenly I remembered my car and decided to return to it and try to drive it to the village. But how? The car was malfunctioning and how could I drive it on those dirt trails through the forest?

I woke up feeling heavy in my soul, and still exhausted.

My cleaning lady Ratih arrived and I was still not quite synapsing and only partially integrated. I told her about my crazy dream and we laughed when I said that I didn’t think that snakes eat bread.

My poor brain throwing up imagery from everywhere. I baked bread in my bread machine last night. I am broke so need to stretch my food resources as far as I can until Tuesday. Then next fortnight will be a struggle as my hair appointment is due. I have other bills to juggle also.

So I will be living very very quietly to conserve resources…energetic and fiscal to survive the next two and a half weeks. Hungry angry self harming (by poverty!) snake is Me. Appeased only by the stuff of life permeated by the gods. Bread if not cake, shall we eat.

Lol. It’s the Way of the psychedelic Dreamer. Weaving my magic daily while simultaneously slowly descending into the subterranean realms. Fuck it!

30 March 2022

9:22pm today I have felt in a very dark mental space. Almost feels like an “invasion” of my psyche. But I woke up early (8 am) and by 10 am sat myself down and made some jewellery.

My beautiful friend Nigel rang me from NZ and we had a lovely long chat and my mood lifted somewhat. I kept making a few more pieces (drilling holes in the porcelain cat and dogs was a tad frustrating) but pushed through it. But my dank dark mood settled like an iron shackle on my soul.

The weather was murky with intermittent showers and that was also irritating. When the sun came out I took Charley outside for some “tree time” and summoned up some energy to clean out my fishpond filter (it was due on Monday but it was too rainy the past two days).

I dragged myself back into the house. Walking gingerly as everything ached like I was carrying a great burden. How much longer must I live this malaise? I had another lovely chat with Lyn.

I finished off my jewellery projects by 2 pm. Then sat on my couch and did my tapestry and watched YouTube paranormal shows.

This evening I just finished watching “The Mike Cavalli Show”. I feel much better. The oppressive depressed heaviness is slowly leaving me.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. I can’t believe how much I achieved given how depressed I felt today. The Tanya as “incongruent” as ever and let us not forget “libidinous” hahaha

I should make up a poem using those adjectives.

There once was a woman named Tanya

She lived at the foot of a forest.

She could not get love even though she was officially libidenous so she made a damn fool of herself anyway …because she can and could but shoulda woulda might not have but did…and that makes the poor lady Incongruent.

“Whattttt? Incontinent? …”.

“Listen here Babycakes …the Dybbuk is on the roof and it’s my fucking Muse …Aight”

“Aight…incongruent it is…ya cow!”

Laughter in the Sephirot.

Thinking about it, I am incontinent. Emotionally incontinent. Leaky like a cauldron shot to pieces with an Uzi. Oozing out my etheric extremities. Bleeding like a little Aussie bleeder.

The only way to staunch the flow is to keep my head high and go go go…and glow. I hate it when the Dybbuk is right. Gnarly little bastard. But adorable!

30 March 2021

30 March 2020

9:56 am swirling with emotions. Not unhappy, just surfing a strange mood. An expectation, an exhortation. I slept well last night. I brought Socks outside with me as he was “talking” to me. But he resented the dog (understandable!)

Socks drank the milk from my muesli. I bought a cheap muesli and it tastes so bland like cardboard that I could not eat it all. So Socks has inherited the milk. But not too much.

Charlie is tearing up his newspaper in his cage and whistling to himself. Bobo is carefully monitoring the neighbourhood for other signs of life ie dogs. Penny is inside...being Penny.

I am....on the brink of anarchy. I need to go out. I could legitimately go shopping for groceries but I hate supermarkets. It can wait until payday. Or another day.

I lost a day yesterday. I thought yesterday was Monday. The days blur into one like swirling molten glass in a glass blowers studio. But it’s okay. The rest of the world is joining me.

I will dance later. I need to shake out the impending blues. Or I might sit on the grass and ground.

Something is shifting. It feels like the edge of a precipice. Perhaps a landslide. But it feels like something positive. Time will tell.

It’s a month since my last illness. I still get very fatigued but that is nothing extraordinary. I have been fatigued since early childhood.

I am finally riding through my own life like a gun-toting cowboy on acid. Saddle-sore and half kicked to death by fate but mate....see you at dawn. Be ready...144th fastest gun in the South East Queensland. My weapons? Joie de Vivre and Facebook commentary. Not much but something. Some Thing.

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I am dancing to Alter Ego’s compilation on Spotify and pretending I am 15 again and flying free in the face of ALL my Abusers: past, present..no doubt future...Psy Sighs...but I am getting better at identifying those motherfuckerssss...)

I am dreaming of the life I could have/should have had if I had been born to decent kind people and had managed to accrue enough money and stability without being decimated and desecrated and dishonoured by the very people who were supposed to love and protect me.

And I am laughing and screaming and dancing wildly and moshing my old lady neck because I am stiff-necked but soul-naked and free even in a global oppression unleashed by monsters.

And the world is spinning and hurdy-gurdying and too often...too often discombobulating and...I am laughing.

Freedom to/for those who lived long enough to wipe off the dust, the cum and the blood and got to...Dance. Dancing through our Darkness and dancing through our Light.

The pain and the stain creating stainless steel hearts and stained glass Souls. Colourful and pretty but transparent. See me?! Now! Glossy. Nothing sticks and nothing actually matters. Only the bliss sanctified and emanating from Within!

(Wipe your mouth...you are drooling..you lascivious Wolf...walk with me...the gods have our backs!)

Shine bright like a Diamond. Honour the cracks where the Light gets in. Don’t like me....or my Slavic/Germanic face? (Did you know that my face is also English, Scottish and Irish?...that it is the Face of an ancient Warrior Goddess whom even in your disgust and disdain still...as a Woman, as a daughter of Lilith...must by her Nature have your back!?). But it’s okay. We are not There Yet! Hahaha .

Beautiful. Formidable. Intransigent. This Rock of ages built from a smashed down brick shithouse. Emancipated from Slavery to a Glory unmet by Fools.

Rising above the torment and the treachery like an ancient Queen.

Life. For what it’s Worth...is Good!!!

L’Chaim! Dance me to the End of the Known World then back to the brink of the New Beginning. From Malchut to Ein Sof Aur...we got this!

There is always another Beginning. We begin the Beguine. Sanguine but satiated in a salacious lacklustre treacherous life. Did I mention...Beautiful?! Joey...I’m not angry anymore...but don’t underestimate me. I can kill you with a look. ;-)

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11:11 am make a wish.:-)

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I don't suffer with Bipolar (manic Depression) but Complex PTSD mimics many of the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and is often mis-diagnosed as such.

I have grown to rather adore my bouts of Hypermania (as long as they don't go on for too long) and dysthymia (moods changing rapidly). I love the freedom and creativity these states entail. But the long slow deathlike repose of major depression , well, that was a serious bitch!

Zombies walk again, and dance! And jive to thrive and believe and achieve. A long slow shuffle from the edge of the abyss to the tallest mountain peak.

The view is great from up here but I still need my oxygen mask and perhaps a parachute as when I take a flying leap, it's not the fall that hurts, it's the sudden stop at the bottom.

Gravel rash is not good on the Assets but we slide and glide from oblivion to oblivious deride and try not to become snide like the rest of the spectator sportsters. Sayyyy what?!

Excuse me Ma'am, did you see what happened???

Well it was a dark and stormy night, a cosmic shifting climactic weather event and I got a little bored.... mic drop ;-)

30 March 2019

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I woke up at 1 pm! 9 hours sleep. The first deep and unbroken sleep I have had in 3 weeks. Wonderful. I am sitting outside with Charlie under the market umbrella, sipping tea while all around me it is raining. Also marvellous albeit humid! The mozzies are Thriving, and driving me mad!

I had a great night dancing with my precious wild friends. Alter Egos were playing. I like those guys.

After the dancing I bought a pie and two Cherry Ripes and a ginger beer. I sat in the rain and ate my pie and drank the ginger beer in convivial company with George and a homeless teenage boy.

The kid asked me for $10 for a kebab but I gave him one of my Cherry Ripes. He ate 2/3rds of it then complained it made him sick and threw it on top of George’s case. George got annoyed. I explained that George doesn’t eat chocolate and often gives me sweets that drunk people put in his guitar case.

George asked me what the kid’s problem was? I said he wanted a kebab but I had only chocolate to spare. I felt upset that a teenage boy was homeless.

It crossed my mind to bring him home but it’s not safe to do so. I told the boy that I should have run away at 15 also (after being threatened with rape!) but I was too afraid.

I told the kid to go to Centrelink and get a youth worker but they will probably put him in the foster system. He said his friend had been raped by foster carers.

I said “I hear ya. Kid. I hear ya. But there are good people out in the world too. Look for them!” I realised that I am an arsehole as I drove home. I should have used the last of my money to buy the boy a kebab. Or offered him a bed for the night. But I don’t trust people. It’s not safe to do so.

On my walk to the 7-11 to buy the pie, some beautiful young drunk women told me I was beautiful and asked me why I don’t have a bf? I bristled. I told them I don’t want a bf and if I did want one I could have organised myself better to get one by now!”

George looked at me with compassion. He knows how much I loved that misfit Dave and all the bullshit games he played. He knows I have deliberately chosen to stay alone rather than get hurt in my heart like that over and over again. He also knows I do not get my self esteem from having a man.

I walk this life alone for a reason. To stay safe, sane and relatively happy. The sex one might obtain in a partnership is rarely worth it. But young women have no idea yet how very capricious and dangerous Love can be.

How it can tear one’s own Soul apart and break you in ways that are unimaginable and how long, how very long it takes to heal from such abysmal brokenness. How love has to leach out through tiny pores in our psyche until eventually it becomes a naked streaming consciousness of fiery furious Light.

A light that explodes like a supanova and can never be dimmed or put back in its tiny microscopic box. A light that fills other humans - not yet broken enough, awakened enough, with trepidation and sometimes horror. Unnatural light bestowed by the gods so I could get myself through one more day, sometimes one more hour, or even a minute.

Insane in the membrane but here it is. Glowing radiantly in my commensurate grief and hardwon blitzkrieg bliss. The woman who once turned her face to the wall and prepared to die.

23 years later. Still cracking on. Still nurtured by the very same State that ruined me and still loved by my rarest jewels in my personal crown. My friends.

G-d denied me a safe and loving husband/ lover/partner but He blessed me with gorgeous friends. I am so grateful for that. For my daughter Crystal and for my pets and my non-human angels and wise ones as well.

I wonder? What would my life have been like if I had runaway at 15 instead of escaping into marriage at 19. With a man who was so emotionally (and one time only, physically!) abusive.

If I had honoured my freedom as a teenager and gone out into the world. Perhaps travelled. Perhaps found the mythical “good people”. Perhaps made something of myself instead of living on the crumbs and scraps of love tossed to me like a rejected chocolate bar? Ha!

I will never know. It no longer matters. I am whom I am Becoming. Not dead. Not always fully Alive either but slowly ascending from the depths of my own grief and decrepitude.

Copyright Tanya Desiree Arons

“The Desired One”. What an epic fucking cosmic joke ;-)

30 March 2018

30 March 2017

Laila Tov/Good night from

The state of extreme wildness. I hope we wake up to better weather tomorrow.

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Home safe. I moved the Silkies to higher ground. Managed to get a few more food supplies. Woolies closes at 4.30 pm so I was lucky to get what was most urgent.

Just ordinary rain outside. Hard to believe we are gonna get much worse but we will just have to ride out the storm. "I am the Storm". I just took a shower as I was saturated from moving chooks and refilling their food and water (they got lovely fresh rain water for a change :-)).

Now we are all inside (except for the chooks but I am satisfied they are safe. If not I will bring them inside and put them in the dog crate. But I doubt that will become necessary.

The goldfish are loving the rain. The lizard is quite bemused by it all too.

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I had a couchsurfer, another young Frenchman contact me in the middle of the night asking for accommodation. Which pissed me off so I declined but then felt bad after. So I gave him advice about the airlink bus and places to see in Brisbane.

So he messages me again this morning and says he arrives this afternoon and could I let him Stay. So I realise he is a pushy one but it is raining a deluge and frankly I am blessed to have a home. So I message back and said he could stay one night, let me know which night.

So far no reply so hopefully he has found other accommodation.

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2.03 am I can't sleep. Wild weather settling in from TC Debbie making her presence known to us in the South East. Lots of lightning and rain. Still Humid in my house. Icky and sticky. Rain all day tomorrow is forecast.

30 March 2016

I have been busy cleaning out my little spice cabinet. It had 2 massive cockroaches living on the top shelf! Eww. So I took everything out, washed everything, threw out some, and put eucalyptus oil to deter the bugs, as well as sprayed behind it.

I made little shelves from hand-painted boxes I had in the bathroom. It all looks much tidier! I also bought some metal shelves in IKEA for the pantry (wooden crates) so it all looks much neater too. Trying to Tetris everything in a tiny house is becoming somewhat of a chore but I managed it.

Now I am hungry! I will have to go get food as I still haven't bought groceries. Not much money. I have to extend my electricity and gas bills. $456.43 in total. It is ridiculous how much it costs! So I will be on the back foot for another 3 months when the next energy bills come in. It is insane!

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I just saw a blue tongue lizard in the garden. When I cautiously walked past him on the path he slid down under the concrete into Toad Hall. I wonder if blue tongues eat cane toads. If so he is the answer to my problems. Otherwise I need to buy swimming pool salt and grind the crystals down to throw on the cane toads' backs.

30 March 2015

30 March 2014

5.27 am. What a lovely night I had! I finished off my night at Irish Murphys and moshed wildly til 2 am. Then I went and hung out with George Til 5 am. We had a blast. He told me tonight he is Jewish but not religious. His father owned a kosher butcher.

I laughed. I said that it was amazing how many fellow jews I meet out in the night all doing their own thing. I told him I used to have a kosher kitchen and at one time leyned from the Torah and led services (decades ago, even though I was not very good at it, I had been quite religious). He said " oh, I thought you were a Shiksa!" I said "well I am now. A complete Heathen running wild in the night". We laughed at that.

I said to him, “I am done with organised religion after enduring decades of slander. I am a Jew. I believe in One G-d and I have my own spirituality and my own weird relationship to G-d”. He told me he didn't believe in G-d anymore but he still thought Judaism was the best religion.

I think I have reminded him that there is Hashem and at the end of the day he's still a Jew. Funny old World. We had a lovely time hanging out. He reckons I should bring my Tarot cards next week and give one card readings lmao.

I said I would bring my ukelele and give him stiff competition lol. (I might do that next weekend just to freak him out!)

If nothing else I could practise and 'fake it til I make it'.

30 March 2012

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I am grateful to Gail for bringing me to and from Hospital and for bringing me clothes and personals and most of all for looking after Miss Bella Rosa at her home and for feeding the cats! Also to Jarrod who made sure the fish ponds were full and fed. Thanks Team! I am blessed to have you in my Life!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons