Memories: 29 March 2023

29 March 2024

I had a nice day even though the oppression of “Good Friday” felt intense. Likely my ancient Catholic ancestors feeling into the collective grief of this day.

I made a video for Youtube. Later I took Charley for a walk. I stopped and chatted with Avril then chatted with Robyn and Pete. Robyn joined me on my walk and we were greeted by Nikki and Victor who kindly gave us some more bread. We also chatted to the teenage girl with gorgeous red hair who was walking Monty who was very thrilled to meet up with Koko. Delightful.

Then we returned to my place and met my neighbours from across the road, also walking their dog Rusty. (I had earlier stopped to visit Blueboy on my walk also!).

I went inside with Robyn and cut up the bread (half each) and gifted her some limes too. She commented with delight that I had polished all my copper pots and decorations.

I laughed and said it took me 5 hours! But I was glad to have it all shiny again. I had put off polishing it all, as copper is the symbol for Venus, the goddess of Love and every time I clean my copper I get major flirting from men. Every.single.time! We giggled at that.

Then when I walked her out to my front gate, she noticed the light sprinkling on top of my mosaic table which sorts the Fairy or Elven star. It did indeed look magickal. Sacred Space is as always Magickal and surprising at times. A lovely day indeed :-)

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29 March 2023

Inspired by Metalsmith Liz Burt…I am trying wax carving this afternoon. I can’t afford (just now) the wax carving ring sizing mandrel so I took her advice to do it with sandpaper on a ring sizer.

I wanted a thicker ring but I made a mess of cutting the wax ring off even though I had the special wax saw blades. I guess I will need to practise this…lmao. But I am excited to try something new and different.

A bit more tunnelling inside to do then it should fit my forefinger (the fickle finger of fate) 🙂.

I am still deciding what design to carve into it. I am thinking the Hebrew verse “If I am only for me, who am I…” by Hillel but I don’t think I have the skills to fit all the words in.

Or a simple Star of David…

Or I love Liz Burt’s idea of attaching facetted sapphire beads with wire so they can me cast in place. I don’t know where to source those beads or if they are very expensive but her rings are truly beautiful. They look like bunches of roses!

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29 March 2022

A Housing Inspector just popped by saying they had it in their records that my fencing has asbestos. I said “the whole house is asbestos but not the fencing!” So he marched around my property and it’s a ridiculous ruse as they would know the fencing (steel mesh) was replaced only a few years ago.

So he is more likely a land valuer. And now I feel paranoid that they will try to force me out of my home as they want the land to sell to developers. (As has been going on in my area for quite some time!)

Fuck! Well I will fight as long as I can.

29 March 2021

I have contacted the ombudsman after AGL rep hung up on me when I was applying for a cheaper plan. They are rude and inept and have been ripping me off!

They wanted me to pay even more money to “offset the effects on the environment” which is insane given I was applying for a cheaper plan because I can’t afford the plan they systemically abusively put me on but they want me, as a disability pensioner to pay for their offsetting of carbon.

So I told him this was insane given I already can’t afford my bill...so he hung up on me. Cowardly and bloody useless and unprofessional! I need to find another gas and electricity supplier that does not discriminate against the poor and marginalised.

They have a history of overcharging me when I was very ill and vulnerable for which they actually repaid me about a thousand dollars several years ago. I smelled a rat that in actual fact they owed me much more than that!!

Last year I complained about the very high gas bill and worried there was a leak! They gave me a much cheaper bill (but no repayments for overcharging on the gas!)

My last bill was ridiculous. But the meter reading agreed with the bill so I had no choice but to let it go. Even though they charged me as much as a 5-person household.

So now it’s the ombudsman! I am so furious I could spit!

…

Another 3-day lockdown from 5 pm today. Grrr. But necessary!

29 March 2020

9:09 am. Not much sleep last night but I finally bombed after 4 am then slept deeply. So I feel okay. The past week I have slept for only 4 or 5 hours a night. Which means I am recovering from the awful flu I had in early March when I could not stay awake!

I feel supercharged in my core. Almost expectant. Something or someone is coming. Be ready! I never know for what but my body picks up the signals days, weeks, even months ahead. I just have to go with the flow. Which at times is hard when I am too sick and I feel like I am walking through walls of almost solid mud.

I have an urge to dance again. A good sign. I want to do my psychedelic dreamer’s Berserker Stomp, let my hair fly in all four directions. I just rolled my head around and every bone in my neck made lovely grinding noises like an old school typewriter.

Clacketty clack. I must remember my bone structure (although fabulous) is also almost 55 and rather worn down by fate! Hahahaha. I do remember that too, until a miraculous burst of life force infuses me with the vitality of a child and a primordial zest to embody All That Is.

Sometimes it’s spiritual too. Sometimes it’s just my Wild Woman’s rebellion. They tried to kill me...let’s Dance. Entrancing only the ethereal channeling of energetic force fields.

I am also enjoying being able to breathe easily these days. Oh my goddess...asthma is so debilitating. I really feel for those people who have coronavirus and are unable to get air in. I have lived like that all my life so I know how exhausting and terrifying it is.

Only corona is much much worse. I fear that inability to breathe. I fail to breathe during my sleep often but it does not bother me as I am asleep and busy in the Dreaming. But waking up tired...then when I have a chest infection on top of that...nearly kills me.

I am quite stunned to have survived that last illness. Mortified at my own resilience and ecstatic brilliance.

The gods have my back...until the time comes for me to transition and then I am sure the gods will guide me into the next dimension too. I am never alone, even when forgotten or abandoned by humans. I know that! I have experienced it. The Supranatural guidance and protections that had some of my enemies so damn terrified.

So I exist here on Gaia to tell you... nothing is ever what it seems. Life goes on....and on....and on....until it doesn’t but even then the cycle continues in another form. So what can The Tanya do?? But Dance. Dream. Desire.

Manifest potentialities in her psyche with a heart full of Love and inspiration and watch the pearls of Wisdom glisten and coagulate. Slap her Self on the back for being the staunch little Warrior Goddess she is and Smile.

…

Beauregard and I just had a lovely little visit from little Coco and Pete. She came inside the gate and had a little run around my yard, frolicking happily in her little furry black curls with The Beau. They have a sweet little romance going on. So cute!

I had a nice chat with Pete. He is a lovely man. I think it’s lovely he brings Coco for a little play as Bobo loves seeing her and both dogs get rather bored being isolated from other dogs all the time. They must be twin flames as both dogs don’t like other dogs much. So they have found each other. Hilarious!

Charlie was interested in little Miss Coco too (I call her Coco Chanel as she is such a little canine Lady!). But I did not trust Charlie with her as he gets insanely jealous if I give attention to other animals.

It’s a glorious day today! Quiet but warm and sunny. Life is good!

…

29 March 2019

29 March 2018

…

I feel like I am dying whilst simultaneously bursting into a Star. Vituperative thoughts of rage and pain scramble around my head. I let them clatter like flotsam and jetsam amidst the sea foam on a distant beach. Soaked and sodden like cum-stained seafoam.

My happiness is paramount yet it came at the cost of my own peace. Blown away, jettisoned by men and fates.

Goddesses, fae, mermaids pick me up and hold me precious. Stroke my hair and unwind my unravelling emotions.

I have flown into the sun, been burned by its white phosporescence, scorched by my desire to live joyously in safety and freedom, yet shackled by a love that is atrophied and denied.

So much beauty in the world. So much potential. I birthed women and inspired strength into the broken. I loved and lost and loved and lost in a constant upheaval of brokenness. New faces, same vapid treacheries.

My lungs have squeezed and wheezed and I have danced to the beating, slow and clamorous (but so fucking intrepid) of my own heart.

I have seen the glory of the angels. Singing me on this rainy morning from my sleep. Work to do! (What work? Leave me alone! I need to rest!) but they drag me from the Astral and gently push me from somnolence to full consciousness again.

My body is fighting to die. It craves it so. This release from eons of pain. But my brain demands Life. My spirit flounders in the Shadowlands, not quite choosing one or the other. So I must flow along the river of eternity, awaiting my turn to fulfill my destiny.

I can hear it. It’s coming. So beautiful. My Becoming!

…

29 March 2017

The nice thing about having a couch surfer here was the motivation to keep the house tidy for two days. The unpleasant thing was having a keen awareness of being used but the spiritual gift was rising above it and keeping my home and my thoughts sacred.

I guess it was a nice little test to see if I am ready to live with other humans. Not sure about that. Although there was no tension or conflict. The guy just came home and went to bed early and slept late. (Avoidance!)

I was not upset. There is no need to entertain each other. I was also gifted by the universe yesterday with an unexpected outing with some girlfriends so that was Hashem's little way of saying "Don't worry, be happy!" and my small Contribution to the service of humanity brings its own rewards, which were spontaneous and delightful.

Blessed Be! The misfits, the weirdoes, the isolated middle-aged rejects of society, the Wise Women. Our gifts are not always recognised or valued but we know what giant jewels we carry within.

Sometimes we cast our pearls before swine and other times we shine like brilliant-faceted diamonds in the Crown of the Eternal or dusty crystals hanging from the chandeliers.

The pendulous gift is not always comprehended by naked eyes but must be unwrapped by the Seer of the Soul.

The Wanderers wander to discover the earth within themselves. To hide or run from their own fears or discomfort. They journey into the Mystery only to return, time and again to themselves. To unpack or disrobe the layers of conditioning and bullshit and preconception placed there by society/culture/religion.

All is Within. We are all travellers of time and space and heart. Some of us are destined to stay in one place for a while. :-)

…

My father's death has released the valve on the pressure cooker of my life. The second last of that long list of abusers from my family of origin. I felt like the stew that once exploded all over our kitchen ceiling. Dripping my gravy train all over the floor while someone stupidly scrambled to catch my sumptuous glory onto a plate so they could still feast.

Like a bear caught in a trap (my sciatic nerve damaged my leg for 3 weeks) but still I danced and whirled and churned and gnawed through my pain. "Get outta my way Motherfuckers, nothing to see here". Characteristic of my warrior-survivor-thriver-tempered-tempestuous Spirit I did not let those past Hellians deplete me or Delete me. Deletorious Delights.

To Conquer my abusers I had to conquer myself. To fight for myself. For Love. For Light. For Pneuma that informs my blood vessels with the gift of oxygen and for Consciousness to instruct my Soul.

But at the end of the day of the darkest Night of the Soul or the most awful Days of Awe or the Celebration of our freedom from oppression (the Pesach Bride Revisited) it is all Bollocks innit?!

All our dreams and highest ideals and fecund revelations birthing a new paradigm or a new way of living in harmony with the earth nay, the entire Cosmos are nothing but ethereal willowisps. Entertainments for the lost and forlorn. Intrinsic fancies to inspire us to hold on to this Im(mortal) Coil a thousand different ways on thousands of different days. Crazy making.

So I sit on our patch of earth, grounding my being to the core of this planet, watching flies mass over the bones of a newly dead cow or bull, placed lovingly at my feet by the Beauregard who wants to show his Mama his appreciation of the life-death-life experience, growling at me when I touch him because, the bone Mama, his bone.

So I wave away the flies that seek to inseminate their existence in yet another cycle of rebirth and crawl again in maggotty abandon, cleansing and purging the decay of days gone by. A new life. A new regeneration.

Where was I? Oh yes. Life! Be in it. We pass this way but once. Make it beautiful, fearless, intrepid, delicious, inspiring and remember, we are but dust. Stardust and a few hydrogens. And shit. :-)

…

I had a nice evening with Terrie, Jenny and Jason tonight. Terrie cooked us Tacos for dinner. Yummy! Then we danced together. We have so much fun. Even Beauregard danced with Terrie but not his Mama. That dog takes me for granted. Awww!

…

It is raining and the sweet smell is wafting through my bedroom window. I had to lie down as I felt exhausted as the pain in my left leg which came back last night and along with my bladder interruptions has worn me down.

The young Frenchman man on his first night here asked me what was in my tea? He only drank two cups and he had to pee all night too. I said it is only the usual black tea you buy in the supermarket.

Now I worry it is not the tea but the town water? I will switch to organic tea and see if my bladder settles down.

Anyway the rain is fresh and cooling. Another nice day.

…

…

The young couchsurfer has left Sacred Space. Lol! Freedom!

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29 March 2016

…

I just got back from the dog park. Bobo had a wonderful time with his two girlfriends, Mia, a long-haired Dachshund and later Lola, a Pomeranian- Poodle cross.

Lola's owner is a Serbian married to an Irishman and she has two lovely children. We sat and shared stories about our childhood as Branca complained her little boy is obsessed with video games.

So I told the children how we played sports in the streets, climbed trees, flax jumped and ran for miles up and down the beach, fishing, swimming, snorkelling, catching tiny guppies, collecting limpets from the rocks for bait, paua, Kina, sea urchins. If not for my parents I would have had an idyllic childhood.

I asked them if the Easter Bunny had visited? They said Yes. So I told them the story about one Easter when I was about 6 the Easter Bunny came and I went hunting for them and I found so many many eggs.

A week later my mother and I were baking a cake and we opened up the oven to put the cake in and Lo! And Behold! There was a huge Easter egg inside the oven. I had not thought to search inside the oven and the "Easter Bunny" clearly forgot to tell my mother it was in there. (Also goes to show how often my mother cooked! Lmao!)

I thought it was a pretty special bonus. A forgotten egg from the treasure hunt. Sometimes it is cool to have crazy chaotic parents!

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I come from a long line of Wanderers. Typically in mature age my forebears would up their stumps and wander across country or across the oceans in search of what? Adventure? Themselves? Enlightenment? It comes with a kind of madness. An insatiable wunderlust and often a roiling unmedicated depression.

My own estranged (by choice! I don't want the violent abusive bastard back) father is itinerant here in Australia. He house sits. He is currently 88 years old. He has been roaming since his last divorce in the late 90's. He was a manual labourer all his life so he gets placements in farms or sitting for people's pets while they go away.

I could not trust him to feed my 3 cats and 25 Guinea pigs back in 1999 for a weekend that I went to Melbourne for a friend's Bar Mitzvah. So I scratch my head to think how he manages to actually look after anything or anyone except for his selfish self.

His father, my grandfather Alfred Abraham Phillips used to roam from Auckland where he owned a modest house with my grandmother Connie in Browns Bay ( or was it on the beach at Waihi? I can't remember).

He would often arrive at my parents' home in Island Bay, Wellington with a stick and a kerchief enclosing his tobacco, loose change, and a clean pair of underpants.

He was a Dowser. He was always en route to the South Island where at one time he found gold but not being a greedy materialist like my mother he brought only a few nuggets back to show her. Mum got gold fever and yelled at him to go back and lay a claim and dig more.

Pop just shrugged. He was travelling back to Auckland to make kissy faces at Connie. (A bitter sour old Battleaxe - as a toddler I stood on her arthritic toe and all fucking day she ranted and raved over it until my half-sister Angela and Mum decided to get out of there. I guess after raising 7 rough and ready negligent boys and wandering husband she was completely over children!)

Anyway next trip down south, 6 months later my beautiful spiritual Pop found the local council had built a bitumen road over his gold find. FML. The Phillips Clan could have been rich! My mother was furious and cried big tears of despair.

My Pop just shrugged. Plenty where that came from. He was much loved by my mother as he was the only one who could control my father's searing mad tempers which blew up like a wild storm mostly out of nowhere.

Not that my mother was ever serene. She would wind my dad up into rages that would burst blood vessels in his eyes from striving to not hit her. I was 5. I sure as shit felt like hitting her myself.

So I wrapped my arms around my dad and said "Don't worry, Daddy, I still love you!" With my high IQ I learnt early to defuse aggression in our home. Or act the clown. Anything for peace, yeah?!

Storms would rage at sea across the road, Spring tides and lashing rain and blasting gales against our picture windows that were more gentle than my parents' nocturnal screaming.

I spent my first 8 years praying a lot. Praying for safety and quiet. It never truly came. Not until they had died or gone wanderin'. I don't fucking miss them.

My cousin Robert, our family genealogist who has done so much extensive work told me that his father, Alfred's half-brother also took to wandering. He migrated from NZ to die in Perth WA.

Our other ancestor Richard Rush had been a convict in NSW and had come to NZ to start a new life and became a farmer. Many of our ancestors left Ireland or Scotland or England to travel in ships to NZ in a time when ships ran aground, or were becalmed or sank or ran out of food and water or suffered typhus, to a land of the long white cloud peopled by warring Maoris and Pakeha with no shops or much civilisation at all.

Children died of typhoid or malnutrition. One of our great grandmother's had 12 children but lost 8 in one year.

Then on my maternal line, my own mother Gisela, strong, courageous and mad enough to take her 6 year old to NZ, newly married to a NZ airman who suffered PTSD (shell shock) in 1956, and who tried to push my mother over the ship's railing to kill her.

My half-sister screaming and pulling on her mother's legs until help came and the mad bad bastard Mr Jarman was thrown in the ship's brig for the rest of the voyage. My mother loved to travel but did not get to return to Germany until 1973 with me on the Fairstar.

Her biological father, a well-known Mage and a former sailor who worked as a ship's carpenter in his youth had sailed the 7 seas, even travelled up the Amazon! He said he gave up the sea after that trip as he witnessed his ship mate getting swallowed whole by an Anaconda.

He inherited the family farm in Posen (Poznan, Poland) but let his brother live and work it. He remained in Germany.

One time he visited the farm, looking forward to bringing home some fresh produce to fly into a rage as the brother and his family who consistently asked for money to keep the farm going, did not even have one chicken in the place!

Schnorrers and schmendricks! Hell, even in my poverty I have always kept at least 2 hens or ducks for eggs. It is not that hard to look after them. These were Farmers, for crying out loud! My mother forbade me searching for their descendants in Poland as she said they would just bleed me dry.

I found that pretty funny since I am likely poorer than they are. They at least still have the family farm! But I never bothered. I have had enough of sociopaths on both sides of my family.

Anyway I am writing this as I too, have an urge to go to Byron Bay and kickstart a new life. The tragedy is I can't afford to leave my govt house. I can't afford private rent. I can't afford to live really. So I am trapped. I hate being trapped. A wanderer must always believe they are Free at any given moment. Even if the freedom is illusory.

So here I sit. In Sacred Space. In clutter. I want to shake it all off and run free. Take my dogs, cats and chickens and just go some place new. But it is impossible. An impossible dream.

Here we sit. Guardians of Sacred Space. 13 years in May. I have only known peace here in the last few years. Too early to throw caution to the four winds and go on adventures. Still so much healing to do. Time takes time.

…

On a happy note: Jarrod visited with Harvey. We had a nice day/evening together. Bobo was in a bad doggy mood so was very aggressive. I hope it is just another growth spurt and I don't have a savage dog on my hands. Other than that Jarrod and I watched tv after skyping with Crystal.

Harvey and Penny had cuddles with me. Someone still loves me.:-)

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Tonight my daughter unfriended me. After telling me she was never coming back but yet expecting me to keep all her stuff stored in my house which she dumped and flew out that night. Then she twisted my words saying I said she is not an actor. Then when I noted she told me I faked my recent serious illness that I must be a great actor too, she unfriended me.

Well. Toxic families. This is the good loving daughter I thought I had. Yup. More bullshit. She can stay away for the rest of my life but I will not be used and abused. Her shit can go. I am done.

I am done letting family members hurt me. I have been struggling alone for 21 years with no support from family and now I have no family I have nothing to lose.

29 March 2015

1.28 pm. I received good news. 2 victims are preparing a Stat Dec against their perpetrator.

So my advice and encouragement has been fruitful and those two people will be able to get closure and vindication, whether or not the perp gets jail time.

I am so relieved. It is a sickening feeling to have to sit back helplessly and wait for Victims to light up and fight against their abusers. Sometimes it can take decades. Sometimes the victim never speaks out.

To save one life, you truly save the world. In the case of CSA, it only takes one or two victims telling of their experiences, to show dozens of others that they are heard, validated, valued, and that action is being taken.

Shekoach (strength) to the people affected!

…

6.24 am. I am cooking spaghetti. I have made a mince thingy with baby corn and lentils, carrots, onions and garlic and tomato simmer sauce and a splash of lime.

When the pasta is ready I am gonna sit outside in the dawn light and feast.

I really really need a meaty dish. Thinking that might be why I am so emotional. The Tanya does simply not Do Hunger! Grrrrr! Viking Raiders fight on a full belly. Jewish princesses too :-).

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4.45 am. Home safe from another big night. It was rather spiritual. Makom -finding G-d in strange places.

I went to get the $20 Crystal lent me so I could have a drink, from the ATM near the 7-11. A blind Aboriginal man in a wheelchair was sitting outside. I have helped him before, a long while ago when he had tipped over his coffee, totally unaware so I gave him money for another one.

I went up to him, gave him my few loose $1 coins. Said, “Sorry it's not much”. He was so happy. Blessed me! I blessed him back lol! He thanked me for stopping to chat to him. I said “No worries, Brother”. I felt much happier after talking to him. Life isn't meant to be this fucking hard.

On the way to the casino, George saw me strutting up the street and he played a song for me. I can't remember what it was just now, but it made me cry as the words were so resonant with how I feel. He and I haven't hung out together in a long time, but I thanked him for the song which had strengthened my spirit for another wild night.

Then I danced and danced and danced. Some casino friends came and went and were all lovely to me.

At the end of the night an elderly Aboriginal man sat next to me. He had been watching me from a distance all night. He said "Don't mind me, I am just a grandfather sitting next to a grandmother", (which was a mark of respect which I really appreciated).

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I will probably never see my future grandkids and I am actually a grandmother to Rabbits that are being re-homed soon.

I tried not to cry. Life has to be sucked up. Like a vacuum cleaner. Fucked, sucked and expended in a stomping warpath of a dance floor like a Hottentot on acid!

Then the old wise one said, "I am just an old drunk in the night!"

I said inanely, "Don't worry, be happy."

He said there are so many young kids on the dancefloor! I said “yeah Brother, we could still teach them a few tricks about life, but it's better the young ones find out for themselves, like we had to, the poor bastards". Then we laughed.

He decided the DJ was Black and Aboriginal. I looked hard. He looked white to me but I said to the elder, "I dunno, Brother, he looks white to me, but he could have a touch of the tar brush in him but hey, who cares what colour he is? I am a pakeha myself." (Pakeha is Māori meaning “Pale face”.

I laughed. Said "I am just being cheeky." He loved it. Said "You sure are cheeky, Sister!" He was very sweet. (Bit smelly but hey so am I at the end of the night!)

I said, "I've seen you before, last weekend, when I walked to my car”.

He said, "I am not homeless. I live in New Farm."

I said "Thank god for that. We still have a home".

He told me how people are mostly awful to the Homeless. I said, "I know. I have a few homeless friends I hang out with at the end of the night". He nodded.

(I wonder if he is a Kadaatchi man?) I need to learn shamanism. I was too polite to ask. Not many with the knowledge around anymore and then they might not teach a white woman like myself. Still, if nothing else it would be lovely to learn the Dreaming from an elder. Ask and ye shall receive!

I feel really shaken and stirred. Ever since I was desperately ill in the PA hospital in 2012, when I saw the vision of the indigenous family who communicated to me that I was gonna be all right, (the old man looked a lot like the man in my vision), I have been on a journey to wholeness, very traumatic at times, with people asking for help with serious issues or being cast out of various places I had made my own mark at.

First, the motorcycle clubhouse, then the pub, and now many enemies would love to get me banned from the casino.

Do I give a fuck??? Yes...but I never let them see it. I am on a spiritual journey and my people recognise me when they meet me. They know me by my Light, my fury, my survivor's mantle, my smile, my frenetic dancing and my joie de vivre and my love. They knowww. It is both terrifying and spectacularly beautiful.

Am I strong enough???? I have no other option. This is my destiny. I have had a lot of help from my friends and from the supernal realms as well.

I have found my purpose. It is not what I would have liked. I was hoping for a loving partnership, happiness and freedom. 2 out of 3 aint bad!

The great Work continues....

Shehecheyanu V'keyemanu v'higiyanu lazman hazeh. Amen!

Freedom! Pesach is coming. So is Winter.

Gillian Kaye: Tanya I admire you for your strength. Something that I have learned is that good does come out of bad. Sometimes when the suffering is so great it is hard to see how things can ever get better. When we feel low the best thing is to reach out to try and help others as you did with this man.

From the other side of the world, I can see and feel that you have so much to give as you did last night and by other things you have said on fb. You should start loving yourself as I am sure, although you don't realise it, there are people out there who love you. You bring a ray of fresh air for your frankness and saying it how it is.

I hope you feel pleasure in what you give, because you are a much bigger person than the one who says "what's in it for me?" who are the weak ones.

People criticize fb but it has brought so many people together and hopefully we will continue to share for the better. Lol xx

Me: Thank you so much, Gillian, for your loving supportive words. Yes, I do freak out and hit the wall at 100kms at times. I have been abused so long that very often I doubt my own mind and am easily fragmented by others' nastiness or lack of understanding.

I am not really as strong as I think I am and as I crave Love and have very often been unable to get it, I now prefer to give my loving attention to people in similar or worse situations and only those who have walked in my moccasins can truly Love and support and respect me for who I am. We simply recognise each other.

So it is not hard to love the Broken Down. We expect so very little. A kind word, having a hand held, a hug, being Seen and Known without judgement. I am happy and uplifted when I can share my heart in this way. Thank you Gillian for your Love! Xxxx

I am definitely a love junkie and love really does make the world a better place.

Facebook was introduced to me by an 85 yo lady I knew from my childhood. It is because of her insistence that I share my life on here (with the few friends who can put up with me) that I am here at all. She herself came from East London, a wild red-headed Cockney Jew. I loved her. She loved me.

She had actually been friends with my mother and told me she tried to avert some of the damage that was done to me. I believed her. Unbeknownst to her the abuse had already taken place when I was 6. She was concerned for me at 13.

She has passed on now but 15 years ago when she told me about how endemic child sexual abuse was in her neighbourhood in London, involving fathers, uncles, even older brothers, I actually had a bit of a breakdown.

Back then I was very naïve to think that Jews don't ever sexually abuse their children. The thought of an entire neighbourhood of a close jewish community doing this to their own children caused me to be very distressed and triggered.

I was on a weekend holiday to Melbourne at the time for a friend's Bat Mitzvah. I was actually a bit late for the party.

However, learning this horrific fact put a lot of things into perspective and I remain grateful that my mother's friend, Sylvia Shine told me that she knew what I had suffered and understood me. Noone had ever told me that before. Until then I had always felt completely alone and unsupported.

Life brings strange gifts, revelations that knock you off your socks but catalyse great healing.

I am happy and grateful!

Gillian Kaye: Dear Tanya You actually bring tears to my eyes. Please never feel alone! It is awful how abuse has happened and continues to happen. The worst of it all is that the abused like yourself have been unable to share it.

As we are seeing, particularly through the events in Australia, with thanks to Manny, many people are beginning to have the courage to speak out. I hope that knowing that you are not alone is some great comfort to you.

I know how important it is for you to have that special person to love you and you were let down so much by your mother, but you are not alone! I think the world is at rock bottom now with all the horrors that are happening all over the place and believe if we work hard enough, we can make it a better place for ourselves and others.

For now take care of yourself and do something that gives you some pleasure and I think I will try and do the same to give us the strength to carry on and feel good. My little something good for now is just going to be eating a pizza which I never do. I'll think about the diet and the rest tomorrow xx

Me: Dearest Gillian, goodness, love and truth, respect, honour, kindness, standing up and counting and fighting for each other for justice and righteousness, love for and of each other, our families, our animals, our earth and like-minded communities.

I truly believe can save our world and prevent the worst outcomes. If we fail, we can go down knowing we were good kind people and in our own small way, we tried to make a difference.

Holding your hand across the oceans, Dear Heart!

Enjoy the Pizza! Every morsel! Diet is another foul word in my book lol!

Eat drink and merry! Everything has its season of joy. xxx

29 March 2014

I am enjoying the Creedence-Cash Tribute show. Awesome!

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Tonight there was a heavy fog (which will not bode well for my chest which is already playing up) and my cat Penny is also acting insane. Hmmm. I wonder why everything is so topsy turvy, including the weird weather.

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Sons of Anarchy was a mild disappointment but I enjoyed the Q and A with the actors. They took a long time to come on stage and there was no MC to introduce the Guitarist that came on beforehand so although he played well, no one knew what was going on.

Gail was thrilled with her Gold ticket as she got to meet Tig, Juice and Bobby in person, and have a brief chat with them. She was very excited. I am glad she got what she paid for and she had a great time.

I went to Irish Murphy's after but again the night was a mild disappointment. The Vibe was just all wrong. Jabba played wonderfully as usual so it wasn't the music, it was the clientele.

Holy fuck! It was like a Full Moon, combined with an eclipse combined with a Mercury Retrograde combined with 'who let the dogs out?' combined with the lunatic asylum on night release (sometimes I think it's a pity we still don't have asylums as half of their would-be inpatients were in the pub tonight!)

Needless to say I stayed 'til the end, people-watching then got so grossed out by the feral behaviours I went down to the casino to hang with George. Some vile detestable little man told me he wanted to rape me, so I chased him down the road. The lady standing with George told me the little creep had followed her up to the casino from the pub, and she was very glad I chased him away.

George was shocked and said he was a witness to him threatening to rape me. I said, "well, I'm not going to let any man get away with that, am I?" Then I hung out with him and his lady friend for a while.

Then to top off an average night, my bloody night-link bus was so late. So now I am home, showered, still awake and pondering my existence as I do when I feel like my time could have been better spent.

I did enjoy dancing though, and it was nice when Ron and Chrissie arrived and they danced with me a short while at the end of the night.

Oh and I was flattered and surprised when some woman came up to me where I was standing at the end of SOA, waiting for Gail to come out. She told me I looked absolutely beautiful and she loved what I was wearing. I said "Thank you very much!" and grinned at her. (The skirt is 2 years old!) I still thought it was very sweet of her though.

Anyway needless to say I am still wide awake, (insomnia) so have to knock myself out, and my feet really hurt as they always do after a long night out. Happy Days.

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Lol Miss Bella and the cats used to perform the same function. If they didn't like the man, they didn't let him anywhere near me.

29 March 2012

29 March 2011

Quiet day, had my 3 week debrief with my new psychiatrist. He was totally amazed at all the current events in my life. It's nice to know I should feel the way I do right now, after all is said and done! Hahahahah. I love Psychiatrists, you pay them $300 per hour so they can be totally on your side! Seriously, my new doctor is amazing.

29 March 2010

It was a splendidly beautiful day yesterday, one of Mum's favourite kind of days in her most favourite place. Today I am so very tired, beyond exhausted, could hardly keep my eyes open. It's been a very interesting time. Now to Celebrate the Festival of My Personal Freedom and that of my People. Chag Sameach all.

29 March 2009

I keep doing these phoney quizzes to discover untapped information on myself...so far I have been told that I am attractive to hotties...lmao, compared to WB Yeats...well he is a lovely poet...and my life is like the Little Mermaid...hmmm.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons