Memories: 30 January 2023

30 January 2024

…

8:11 pm here she is at long last! I just finished bending her to sit properly on my wrist. Omggg I had soooo much trouble soldering the Rock Crystal eyes (even having to completely Upcycle two more rock crystal pendants) but probably fluked it. But the solder joins held together for me to set the stones back in, so hopefully they don’t “pop” off at a later stage.

I worked on this from 3 pm to 8:11 pm today so 5 hours plus 14 hours the past two days. I still need to polish again, to remove the scuff marks on the inside from forming. But I am delirious with joy to have Snakey back!

It’s been a helluva struggle (including the dessert fork going missing at the wrong address for three days!) then all my soldering issues. I feel like I have gone through some kind of Initiation or trial by intrepid bloodyminded persistent Tanya type Determination.

I am lathered in sweat both from the heat and the stress. But Mama T Did It! Someone sling me a Jack Daniel’s or even a beer. Fuck it! No booze in da house! I will have to wait until Friday when I take myself out Dancing. Yeah Babies.

I stuck with Snakey until the end. Proud of my achievement.

30 January 2023

11:11 pm time to rest. My shoulder (where the skin cancer was excised) hurts. I am getting my hair done tomorrow.

Message from the Angels? “Keep smiling, stay pretty, hold the line. Dance! Take time to heal all wounds. Allow!”

Allow what?

“You’ll see…”

Mmmk. Defragmenting brain talking to itself again.

Laila Tov.

…

4:11 pm back home from the skin doctor. He was sweet and kind but my body went into full blown trauma activation. I lay smothered in the pillow. Breathing as deeply as I could, trying to quell my nervous system.

The anaesthetic worked first time (Yayy) but I could feel the sensation of him poking around, cutting and stitching and the sound reverberated in my ears. Amplified almost into hysteria.

When I got out of his room I almost bolted out the door. But then I realised I need to book in for Friday 10 Feb to have the stitches out.

Leonie, his receptionist, always acts like she’s never seen me before. She asks me if my name is “Adams” in her recalcitrant passive aggressive way. I said “No it’s Arons! Look I have an urge to run. The doctor is very good but I need to get out of here!”

The other patients smile compassionately but she sets me a hard baleful smirk. I am starting to hate that woman. Seriously!

I walk out to my car and sit to gather my mana for a few minutes. The bandage is waterproof he says, but it has to come off on day 5. Hmmm.

I decide to go look at the antique and second shops nearby at Annerley. The Lifeline shop there always sells gothic or bohemian clothes and often has larger sizes too.

So I drive around the corner. Go into the Lifeline store. I have a good look around and buy a lovely cotton caftan type dress for $15. I go next door to the antique shop. They had lovely sterling silver spoon sets for sale. But money is tight so that will have to wait quite a while.

I go to Woolies to buy something to eat and a drink of lemonade. I head home. It’s scathing hot today. Tomorrow I have my hairdressing appointment.

I am alive and I am grateful but I am also frustrated at my fragile redhead freckled cancerous skin, my lack of partner and lack of money. All the building blocks of merest survival crumbling at my feet on a daily basis.

I start to panic then remind myself that I have existed alone for just on 28 years now and that I am powerful, beautiful, stoic, determined and I can do anything.

I smile at myself. My own Yin and Yang spinning into infinity, wrestling with its natural counterpoint and recalibration.

I have been doing this for eons. Finding my place in Infinity. It’s a big big universe and I fit. I might fit like a cat that squeezes itself head down arse up into a glass bowl or vase. But I fit. If I don’t fit I will throw a fit and make myself fit. Or summat lak that!

…

The skin cancer is cut out. I have to go back on 10th February to get the stitches out. I feel an emotional wreck. I hope that’s the last of the skin cancers for a while.

30 January 2021

11:11pm. Good night Angels. Love from all realms, flowing through me and to you and back again in vortices of comfort and joy. Be’ezrat HaShem...my Bashert shall find me if not in this life, then in the World to Come.

…

12:23 am so tired yesterday and tonight. I slept until 1 pm then had another nap around 6 pm then cooked dinner at 8 pm then spent the evening looking at YouTube videos on how to make jewellery out of old silverware. My next project!

I had a nice calm day today. Actually felt my energy expand and felt the metamorphosis. Lots of deep inner soul growth. The tail end of my breakdown that began a few weeks ago, exacerbated by that inappropriate skin doctor and then freshened by the foul crass band at the casino. Yuck!

So I rested today and did not go out dancing. I will go next week if I feel better as it takes confidence to try out new clubs and I will need to try out several until I find a safe place for me, where women are treated with more respect. But my heart was not in beginning that “journey” tonight.

I will focus on finishing off my three decoupage cases, painting my little book shelves and the new silverware jewellery making idea.

Going out in the nightlife with superficial people and spending money on drinks and abusive socio-cultural environments is just a big waste of my life. I never found a partner anyway (and certainly no one suitably on my wavelength in the flesh pots of Brisbane cbd!)

The Valley won’t be any better, as I used to frequent the Elephant and Sabotage night club, but it was the same desperately seeking crowd of Neanderthals and lonely women you find everywhere.

So hmmm. Mama T is well aware that she does not belong in this paradigm. My psychiatrist is right. I am Boudiccea (or perhaps have a great deal of her energy, if not an actual re-incarnation of her!)

A Warrior Goddess with my own axe to grind, no loving partner and no tribe. But what else is new? I am so accustomed to being Othered since early childhood. Only my true friends comprehend or tolerate me. C’est la Vie!

I am having an awesome existence in spite of all the crass bullies and butchers and psychic vampires from the past. The users, losers, abusers that all wanted to ride this Mustang Kwe.

Well I masterfully shucked them off or dodged the usual narcissists and their floozies. I can smell that stink of betrayal and fake love anywhere. I had to hone my intuition in recent months as one of them still has a powerful psychic bond to me but I am slowly releasing even that One! He should have been/could have been the love of my life except for his epic time wasting nastiness.

So yes...The Tanya is busy with new projects and new manifestations of love and light. All good things coming to me in perfect timing and perfect alignment with the grace of the gods.

I am grateful for the few that do love me and treat me with honour. It means everything to me...coming from my previous existence surrounded by a multitude of enemies.

I have peace now. A long awaited much desired peace.

…

Thus began my silversmithing journey:

…

…

9:44 am awake after 7 hours solid sleep. Mentally clear but sore rib cage and aching lungs. Legs weak(having difficulty walking). But I feel rested at least. I slept so much yesterday. All the struggles about not getting the lawn mowed (still no response from Two contractors!) has taken its toll.

I need to release all attachment to this objective but the cost will Spiral if grass is left growing. It really is bastardry!!

I will fill out the forms for the Nils scheme but in meantime I will have to find a reliable person to show up and do the lawns.

Angela Denton: Why don’t you buy a lawnmower?

Me: No money

AD: Tanya Arons can you take an advance from Centrelink . It would be worth it in the long run

Me: Angela Denton I already use that for my car

AD: Tanya Arons I have a question about mosaics. I’d like to surround a mirror or coat a pot for the garden so it need not be perfect . Can I use broken mugs, bowls or does it need to be flat?

Me: I just smash up old China (which I have plenty of from my old dinner set and my mother’s stuff).

You can buy a Lortane tumbler (cost $200!) if you want smooth edges. I can’t afford such fripperies so my edges are all sharp but the grout should cover it anyway.

My first attempt at anything big was that coffee table.

I am Still learning myself. (Had no teacher!). YouTube videos are great for tutorials. I was looking at ones for crafting silver cutlery last night as I got those spoons and fork for $1 each in the op shop so decided it was worth exploring.

No money but always trying to find something creative to do. (Which ultimately costs money anyway!). Life is about cost these days.

Angela Denton: Tanya Arons that’s true . I count every $ and am always looking at saving money where I can. I guess we’re pretty lucky in the scheme of things.

Me: Angela Denton I hired a lawnmower and it broke down after doing one small Strip of lawn. Had to return it to the hire company. They were really good and refunded my money.

Now I have found someone on Air Tasker willing to do it but there were also rude men on there!

I feel just mentally drained from it.

Hopefully the person on air tasker will show up. $90! He seemed genuine and willing to do the job.

I am on the brink of tears as it’s been such a nightmare getting help with the lawns.

I tried to do the lawn myself but the mower broke down immediately and it was so heavy I really struggled to get it in and out of my car. I was lathered in sweat from trying to start it.

Then it broke down. I broke down. It’s all too hard for me.

Then I tried air tasker and one smart arse demanded I post photos of my lawn which I struggled with (to get them to post!) then after managing that eventually...this dickhead replies “are they recent photos as he does not like being lied to?” I replied “are you a time waster?” I was pissing blood by this time.

Other people saw my reply and a few suddenly were offering to do the job but one guy wanted $150 and another $120!

I said I could not afford more than $80 as that is what last mower man charged so someone agreed to that but there is a booking fee with air tasker so all up $90.40!

So that is what I am up for fortnightly until I can find a way to buy my own mower or ride on. This lawn is killing me!!! Literally!

End of Tanya Berserker rant!

I love my garden. I have worked hard for it.

Must go out and breathe!

Angela Denton, I had a regular mower man for about 4 years but he went all creepy with the most disgusting sexual offers. So I sacked him.

Then no idea what happened with last two contractors except my lawn is too big for a push mower which I did tell first one but he insisted on bringing a self propelled one.

Then could not be bothered to communicate or turn up. Same with last contractor who came highly recommended on local neighbourhood fb group. But charged $80 then also has not communicated (He wanted to charge even more money!)

So between the arrant filthy licentiousness of my previous long term mower man and the epic greed I am not coping.

I am considering selling my car to buy a ride on mower with that.

Car hardly gets used as costs a lot in rego and maintenance and insurance.

My back is to the wall.

But as my little neighbourhood boy friend who visited me the other day said “there is a solution to every problem” 12 years old ....Wise One.

I will get through this. It’s all Sorted for now. Lawns will be mowed on Monday arvo.

I am just breathless from the constant epic struggle for basic living!

30 January 2020

Wow, looking back on my memories this day in 2014 was a very potent day! It was a Black Moon too!

I am glad all of that is over! Dad died on 3rd March 2017 so I finally got the closure. 3 years later I am still healing from all of the past associations both familial and former friendships.

But I have come a long long way. All I need now is my health to improve, perhaps to find an authentic life partner and my own measure of success, then I think my older age will be truly wonderful.

It is all just so amazing and humbling and mind blowing. 2014 was a watershed year.

What will 2020 be like? Well it has already been a month of benevolent loving support so that was a huge miracle manifestation and perhaps the gift of the air con will gift me the ability to achieve more in the summer heat.

I am writing this at 3:16 am as I woke up feeling hot and had to get up for a drink and splash cold water on my body.

But I am not gonna sleep in the lounge with the air con just yet. Saving it for the hottest part of the day.

Time to put myself back to sleep. Laila Tov/Boker Tov! Good night and good morning!

30 January 2019

I have had another lovely day, in spite of the excessive heat which has killed 3 goldfish.

I had a good day yesterday also.

I am relishing the good times which are so rare and precious to me, like life-affirming gifts from Great Spirit and the beautiful Souls I still cherish in my life.

Sometimes I face happiness with trepidation and fail to trust it as it often is so short-lived and is a hiatus between other calamities.

But right now, in this moment, lying in my hammock with the evening cicada chorus, the sky darkening and a laughter echoing from a flock of kookaburras, clouds on the horizon tantalising me with the vague promise of more rain on the way, My dog resting underneath me: I am sublimely content with this moment.

Sublime. Perfection. Restoration of my psyche after a veritable hammering for the past 5 months.

Spirit knows...it’s coming! Bliss. True love. Wisdom. Peace.

I will pull it out of my top hat and stomp my Hobbit feet into the ground and hurl and twirl my jangled star-spangled meridians and laugh. At myself. At the bullshitters that were trying to game me. At the love of a divine creative infinite multiverse that more often than not, has my back!

Triumph over adversity. Happiness after a long drought and an even longer grief. Miracles pushing through the abject horror and lighting up my life like a kaleidoscopic sky rocket of dreams.

Every day in every way! Better not bitter!

…

Home from a productive psychotherapy session. I feel Validated, loved and protected. Feeling protected (especially vis-a-vis my boundaries) and having a safe space is really edifying and comforting. :-)

…

Horridly hot day. I have to go in to debrief an hour early as my doctor has an urgent meeting. Lucky I was already dressed and plotzing about the house in sweaty anticipation. Thinking I had 2 hours but now only 45 minutes. My intuition had me anxiously ready earlier than usual before I received the text about the appointment change.

I was actually thinking of what I should do for the next few hours and was pacing the house like a wild animal. But Mama T and her intuition were already receiving information on the change to my schedule and I was picking up on the anxiety I suppose, of both my doctor and secretary waiting for me to receive and reply to the text.

Sometimes I hate being so tuned into other people. It makes me feel trapped or controlled and often requires I chew my own arm off to feel free.

But I take my therapy seriously so I will make the appointment and then revel in a carefree afternoon!

…

4:39 am. Woken up by a mad Sophie cat throwing herself at the door.

But, then ...Rainnnnn, thank the gods, rain at last!

Meanwhile Sophie ran back under the bed and I can’t get her to throw her outside. Grrrr!

30 January 2018

The moon is gorgeous tonight. Big and brightly luminescent. It is full tomorrow night but so beautiful already.

I am in a lot of pain but went out to hang up some washing. It almost made me forget my pain. I just want to dance under that moon and heal and reclaim my power.

…

10:39 am. Finally out of bed and dressed. Pain has not eased at all but I managed to get a decent sleep. Hopefully with more sleep the jangling tormenting nerve pain might go away.

I feel grateful and lucky that I went dancing for the past 6 years. I knew instinctively it was my window of opportunity to grab at life joyously and triumphantly before my body gave out on me.

I have had a lovely summer going to the beach also.

In a week or two I shall look forward to resuming my summery pasttimes (future tense, presently 🙂 )

This is just one of my many lurid unwelcome bouts of bad health. I have been doing this for nigh 53 years. I got this!

Thanks to my beautiful Soul kin who came to my rescue and buoyed me up. Love you greatly. Xxxx

Today is a windy but pleasantly warm day. So I will enjoy it as much as I can. Charlie is squawking outside so I better get a cup of tea and join him for a while.

30 January 2017

So tonight I put Frieda to bed in the metal coop as the bigger girls were pecking her and I did not want her to sleep on the ground. So I locked her in the metal coop and Jarrod and I were bemused to see her go up and down the ramp, avoiding going in her nest. (She rarely perches). So I thought it a bit odd but that it was because she is unaccustomed to being alone in a coop.

So tonight we were sitting outside and chatting and we hear a loud bang. I go over to the coop and shine my iPhone light inside. (Not a torch but good enough to make out a pointy-eared silhouette). Harvey I thought. But Harvey and Bobo were fast behind me trying to get inside the coop.

Their excitement tipped me off. A possum! It must have slept in the metal coop during the day and got up at night to eat the chick grain only to realise It now had a flat mate and couldn't get out!

Jarrod went out to take photos. Hilarious.

30 January 2016

I had a lovely Thursday and Friday night. Karen came over on Thursday. She spoilt me rotten with pizza, chocolate mud cake, Doritos and salsa and some Jack Daniels. We watched Slumdog Millionaire on Netflix. Then retired for the night.

Then we met up at the casino last night and danced. Sally, Karen and Antonio each bought me a drink. I got a little tipsy mixing Antonio's Corrrrona with Jack Daniels. Dave came and stopped to have a chat. My night was complete!

Then I hung out with Katrina and Bones for a while. I dropped Bones home. He was the perfect gentleman then I headed home for my usual Epsom salt soak. My left knee hurt with arthritis.

Then I watched The 100 until 6 am then slept until 6 pm. Really deeply. Bobo spent the day outside with the chickens. He has been such a good boy. Although just now he is going for Pussy Pez out of the cat litter box. Ugh!

30 January 2014

…

Jarrod, the King of Google, has found my father, still alive, in an advert for house-sitting in Warwick. Too bloody close for comfort. I was under the impression he was dead by now. Well, well, well, you could knock me down with a feather. Proof that only the Good die Young.

He is living in a Irish pub, and my favourite haunt is an Irish Pub. Weird. It's our bit of Irish ancestry fuelling our madness, I guess. Well the Irish Jig is up. I'll keep dancing and my progenitor can stay where he is...not far enough away from me. Contact would be dangerous for me.

Blown away that my father who is 86 on March 6, is still alive somewhere and most likely itinerant. Longevity in this family of madmen and women is kinda freaky. Means I'm in it for the long haul too.

…

The Puppet-Master has a sick way of Revealing Himself. No more strings. Freeeeeeee!

…

Note to self: don't be a douche.

Don't succumb to peer group pressure.

Be the Lone Wolf Woman (function better that way!)

Get and maintain a self-fulfilling life based on my own stability.

Laugh in the face of Horror, but not too much!

Try not to worry about what people think of me, (manage ego-strength) because I am awesome and those who don't seem to appreciate me are not worth my time or effort and those who do "get" me are also awesome so 'family'.

Continue to live my life with integrity, honour, strength, and a sense of humour.

Love, but if not requited (sigh!) love anyway...my cat, my garden, myself and my friends. Remain open to possibilities that good things might yet manifest in my life, as far as relationships go.

Attempt to Live Long and Prosper.

Avoid Kling-ons and other entities who wish me harm.

Make Love not War, but don't lie down and be a victim for any man, woman, or child, or society that is demands victimhood.

Freedom to the People, so that I too, may be Free. Inspire others to maintain their selfhood, so they are also free.

Oh and when the Howling comes, and I finally (oh god I hope so!) meet another Wolf, mate for life.

…

Distressed! Just had a call from WA Births Deaths and Marriages Registrar. My father is not on their records as dead, which means he is either still alive, (unimaginable but vaguely possible) and itinerant, or he has died in another State of Australia. They are refunding the $44 for the death certificate.

So no Closure. I will have to write to Salvation Army or WA Health Dept to find any information about him. I don't want contact so it seems a pointless task.

Why was I born to Maniacs.....why oh why, why oh why and why did today of all days did I get hammered with news from two lunatics from my past???

…

Sick to my stomach. Just had a mobile call from an old enemy, former friend, Gila who worked with her brother Terry to aid and abett Buck Scherer to rip me and my daughters off in my mother's estate.

She had the nerve to say she was glad his daughters got all the money. I told her she had a chutzpah to call me after what her brother and herself, Buck and my mother put me through. I ended the call. It is unimaginably bizarre that she should make contact now, after all these years and act like they did nothing to me.

30 January 2013

I felt weak and weary all day but rejoiced to spend time with Lyn, Peter and little Aahliyah who we had so much fun having a picnic which became a pirate's treasure hunt and later she was a Dolphin chasing the Shark (grandpa) and Aunty Tanya was a beached whale. ( my choice!). Hahaha.

I was dangling my legs by the side of the pool so a certain Dolphinesque little mermaid got me quite wet but we didn't care. Lyn made spaghetti bolognese which was delicious! A nice afternoon!

When I got home, I still felt weary so decided to burn all the evil Buck Scherer photos and I also burnt all the branches that fell down in the high winds we had over the weekend.

So I am releasing the remains of the negative energy left over from Buck The Schmuck. I hope that Hashem wreaks Vengeance upon him and his progeny to the same measure they dished out to me and my inner circle! I pray I get to see this in this lifetime!

So far they have prospered hugely by their evil twisted salacious lies. So I will have to wait and let the Pendulum swing back in my favour for a brighter, prosperous and loving and happy future.

Time will tell but I am finally Free of the Bullshit Past and that, my friends, is Huge Progress indeed!

30 January 2011

Memory: 30 January 2011.

Plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose… ie. feckless evil perverted cunts. 🙂

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons