Memories: 29 January 2023

29 January 2023

I woke up after only four hours sleep. Staggered or limped outside to hang up some washing. My feet are throbbing vaingloriously. It is difficult to walk.

I let the Beau out to pee, gave Charley her breakfast. She is singing happily on top of her cage. I had a great time last night. There was a lot of love in the room. Sweetness and generousity of spirit.

More and more I am sensing a kinder nobler shift in the collective unconscious. Long may it continue. May we all be carried on the arms of angels to a safer paradigm.

I googled “Machine” which apparently means prostitute which made me laugh as I definitely don’t think my new dj meant that compliment in that context. But if he did…so what? I know what I am..and what I am not.

There were many vicious slanderers only a few years ago in that space and I am gratified that after 12 years of holding my ground and courageously guarding my sacred space (both inner and external!) that I have created a better reality where by and large the other dancers are kind and decent people.

You get the odd nasty little troll like the two men that spilled their drink down Shireen’s back, then decided to cavort around me. I gave them short shrift. Yuck.

But apart from that altercation everyone else was lovely. All night long! And yes I machine gunned my fragile older woman’s body to almost every song last night.

The Sunset Bros played the first lines of “Otherside” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers then abruptly changed songs. I frowned and pouted as I love that song even if it is about suicide or borderlines.

But they made up for it later by playing Zombie which I have not heard done before in a dj styling way. Omg…this little Zombie (Anarchist, Revolutionary!) better machine herself back to sleep.

My muscles in my thighs and shins are so tight I look like an athlete (until the line of vision hits my fat corpulent carbohydrate satiated belly.). I will probably never have a flat tummy or be slim but I have the strength and power of a machining Clydesdale so there is that!

I could go dancing again tonight from 8-midnight. But this machine will return to little old lady hobbit status after my night of magickal energetic frenzy. The balls of my feet are screaming at me right now. They are not happy about the high heels. Not happy at all. But to be fair they aren’t happy when I dance all night in flatter shoes either!

My feet are accustomed to walking barefoot at home, grounding on solid stolid Mother Earth so they don’t like shoes much at all.

But I love those shoes I wore last night. I looked beautiful and elegant even though I was pushing my body like a mountain goat on the side of a cragged volcanic mountain.

Hahaha. Life is good. What is left of it!

I am glad I got to go wild last night. I am dreading another slice to my back shoulder on Monday when I finally get another skin cancer cut out. My poor back will look like mince meat again.

Now I’ll never be a supermodel and probably no partner will want to run his fingers across my brutalised back. But wounds heal…time heals and “the Machine” will continue to Dance for as long as She can. 🙂.

…

3:48 am home safe after a fantastic wild night of dancing to the Sunset Bros (djs) and the other wonderful dj (Mister P) at the casino. Mister P is my favourite regular dj because he very kindly shares the electric fan with us dancers now. It’s soo soo good to have the fan blowing cool air on us dancers!

Omg. I went off even though I was wearing my highly insensible stilletto strappy sandals.

As a consequence I am now writhing in agony after 5 hours of dancing on heels. But I had a lovely time and am now sitting in a hot Epsom salt bath with a cup of tea and a piece of mud cake.

The mudcake will ensure that any fat I burned off will just be added to my Viking Berserker hips but after hours of dancing I needed something sweet and substantial in my gut. 🙂 . I drove Shireen home as she lives on my way home (at Coopooroo!)

I had a lovely compliment from one of the Sunset bros djs. When they finished, he came up to me to say goodbye and told me that I am a machine! I just laughed.

I said “I’ve been dancing here for 12 years and I really appreciated you playing harder rock music!” I kissed his hands in gratitude and sweetly he kissed mine too. They come from Sydney so I said I would definitely support them next time they play at the Livewire Bar as I had such a great night!

I was actually hesitant about going out tonight as often the famous star-billing DJs play house or hip hop all night and it kills me! So this was quite a wonderful surprise!

Towards the end of the night a young blonde woman insisted I dance with her and I was in so much agony and so exhausted she had to practically hold me up. She was funny, bright and delightful. She looked a lot like my niece when she was her age. I asked her if she had German ancestry but she said Italian! Wow.

29 January 2022

I just woke up being shown images in my mind, of me melting down gold in a crucible for casting and making gold jewellery. I was being shown this yesterday afternoon too.

It’s kind of annoying as I can’t afford to buy gold and melt it down. The Little Smith torch and all the equipment for that would be about $2000. Then acquiring enough gold for projects.

I almost had to laugh. Spirit is wanting me to forge ahead with my new jewellery making hobby when I lack the skills and resources to do it. I had almost given up as I am so exhausted all the time. My arthritis hurts in my hands. I don’t have the physical strength to do much of anything anymore.

But…if Spirit or God wants me to work with this…then I will have to trust that the money and equipment needed will flow to me so I can teach myself and improve my skills. At worst I could melt scrap gold and put it away for a little nest egg in case of emergency. At best I might be able to make a few pieces for myself.

But I am not going to get too excited about this. The last time spirit nagged me for weeks about ebony…I followed their orders and bought some and made a few pairs of earrings. They did not sell.

So I am not going to fall for that trick again.

I think it would be wise for anyone with spare cash to invest in gold right now. But without even food supplies in the supermarkets, gold won’t save us.

Grow your own food, get off the grid, form your own Ubuntu-type supportive bartering communities where we protect and provide for each other equally.

Stay safe. Gold and diamonds are lovely to have but worthless if society breaks down even further and we can’t eat. It’s a tad terrifying actually.

Celery sticks being hurled at me yesterday by invisible entitiies told me I am being “heard” in my anxiety for the future. Spirit will provide for me. But I don’t even like celery much lol.

I am being told “trust” and “love”. Are those two things enough to survive the Great Reset I wonder? Trust and love! When life has constantly taught me that Loving other humans is a dangerous treacherous heartbreaking pursuit and I cannot trust in Love. Sad but true!

But one thing the last few evil bastards taught me (on pain of my own death!) I can love my own self enough to get through this. To walk in light and lifeforce and honour created by me, for me, of me. I can finally trust myself enough to know that I have enough heart left to carry me through.

“Trust In Love”. Maybe that is what they mean. Trust in my own ability to survive and with Love from the Supernal realms manifest what I most need to survive the remainder of my allotted time on Earth.

Hmmm. Trust in love that being in love with false callow men has ennobled me and strengthened me spiritually as much as the constant grief and vicious attacks has caused my physical body to break down with skin cancer, arthritis (inflammation) and unpleasant gut issues. But I have healed myself before. I will again.

Sometimes the greatest healing involves letting go of everything, including life. But the spirits interfered in that “healing” last time so I must carry on and expect a recalibration of my mind body and spirit that I have never experienced before. Or rather, only seen glimpses of vague amorphous possibilities.

Walking in the Shadow of my own complex cumulative traumas and yet…still breathing, still creating, still holding out Hope for a better future. Loving what I have been left with, even my solitude, enforced isolation and loving my own kinstiguied heart which is far more powerful and magical in its brokenness than I could have ever imagined.

Magic happens…trust in that. Love your own Being and never let the bastards grind you down.

Aight!

29 January 2021

…

Just had a debrief with my psychiatrist and once I told him about the abusive band at the Treasury casino he was equally horrified. I said I had no choice but to complain as the standards I tolerate reflect on me as a person and the kinds of societal devolution I am observing.

I simply will not accept or tolerate certain behaviours...even if I am

Scapegoated or vilified for holding to my truth and standing up and speaking out and even ...still...dancing!

He said I am deemed mad or histrionic or even personality disordered by my many varied Abusers when all in all I am merely “Boudiccea”. Fighting for human decency and honour and integrity right up in the face of my enemies!

An aspect of my complex ptsd that has kept me alive and sustained me through 5 and a half decades of abuse: my Defiance. He is a truly good man who has advocated for me and protected me for our ten years of therapy.

The only health professional (or any professional!) to have continued to do so. A hallmark of nobility. (I can be difficult at times especially when freshly trauma activated!)

I am going to find other clubs with live bands in Brisbane or other sources of soulful life-affirming entertainments where I am treated with respect and even cameraderie.

There must be a safe space out there for me. If not...I will create it.

29 January 2020

Up and at ‘em. The great miracle is manifesting this morning. 9 am. I am so excited. I still can’t believe it! Even with the wonderful machine lying on my floor waiting to be installed.

I tell you, as much as I have suffered in this life I have been blessed with most generous thoughtful wonderful people who have gifted me the most incredible things (not just material!). It is very astonishing. I do not always feel worthy (which is an old program from my abusive family).

I feel very much loved, cared for and protected. Which is a unique feeling in my life.

Thank you to all those magical Beings who absolutely love me and to my mortal ones too!

I have been such a pain in the arse since the last surgery. Really really struggling with my health.

So this marks a turning point, where I have now continuously chosen to continue with my life in mysterious and varied ways. It’s an opportunity to chill the fuck out literally and figuratively, and with my brain no longer beleaguered with swelling and muddy confusion from constant heat exhaustion I aspire to think greater more beautiful thoughts and hopefully write them down so as my foul sister once told me years ago, my mind will not be such a terrible waste.

But baby steps... first I need to focus and regroup. Every day is a miracle, unfolding exponentially like a sea anemone and some days there are the contractions of new birthings also. It’s all part of the creative flux and flow of the multiverses.

So Mama T has to keep riding that wave.

Love you!

…

Lmao the gods want me to really really remember what a huge gift the air con is. I am Sitting in my kitchen, sipping tea and eating toast and my face has little rivers of sweat cascading down it. The electrician is working in high humidity. I put the fan on him as I felt sorry. It felt a bit cooler earlier this morning but now it’s intense!

…

To my beautiful benefactor: the air con is running. It’s already like heaven in here. You are amazing. The gods are amazing. Even Charlie was a little amazed by it all, as the electrician came to set it up and he got a bit frantic as he is wary of strange men.

It’s all completed now. I feel wonderful!

…

29 January 2018

Pain migrated to left buttock and shinbone. I have an earache in my left ear. A boil is suppurating on my back. In the fucking wars...as per usual!

I feel very weak today even though I slept a bit better.

Jarrod is coming to visit as it is Monday and I am too sick to manage going to Coochiemudlo Island.

Windy day. Must heal! I had a shower and I felt so weak I thought I might vomit or fall down. So it was a slow process. At least my hair is washed now. It always feels good to have clean hair.

…

Jarrod and Crystal both arrived together. We have sat in the garden with the two dogs and Charlie. Crystal sorted through all her paperwork and Jarrod had fun shredding it all in the electric paper shredder.

Decluttering continues...

Every now and then a light shower would sprinkle over us but not enough to get soaking wet. Was lovely.

I am still in a lot of pain. No pain killers work (although I have not taken Endone yet. Might take one soon as the pain is relentlessly grinding).

Louise Winton: Tanya I'm so sorry to hear you're so unwell again XXX

Me: Thanks Louise. I was feeling so good and happy then bam! Sciatica hit me again.

Swings and roundabouts. Never mind, I always bounce back eventually!

29 January 2017

Another lovely day in the sunshine with friends. Thanks xxx

…

I went dancing last night. I had a lovely time in spite of an old casino troglodyte enemy getting in my face. I have many lovely friends in my life so the few trolls really just make themselves look desperate.

I have not had much sleep as my feet hurt. By golly they hurt, but I am glad I went out. I spent some time outside with my homeless friends. Some big winner had given them each $100. Awesome.

I still bought them a coffee as I know those big blessings are few and far between. It also makes me feel good to spend time with them and buy them a coffee. There are times when my homeless friend buys me coffee also.

So the world spins on a dime and we are sanctified, not by our poverty/fear/disconnection but by our love and appreciation of each other.

Generosity and kindness flow in abundance. My few enemies will never comprehend it. In a world gone mad and disintegrating (Exhibit A:America) there will come a time when my/our enemies will finally get it.

I hope we do not suffer as a collective too much. I have certainly suffered enough in this lifetime. But I am well-placed, as a survivor to know how quickly things can turn evil and how long the healing and repair can take. Decades. Then to watch history repeat itself. A cruel twisted knife of betrayal. Blunted only by hatred and apathy.

I will walk with my head high. I have done no wrong and been persecuted for having a conscience, a morality and a fierce warrior spirit to protect those who like me, have been vilified and abused. Envy has brought desolation to my life. Envy of what?

My child's determination to survive and my nascent desire to thrive. That causes disgust in my enemies??? Sad but true. I live on the whims of fate and still I fly in the face of great evil. With or without my broomstick.

I have recently overcome an extended illness: 8 weeks of terrible tooth pain. I still feel weak. Rebuilding my strength.

In the midst of my health issues I fought and advocated for a child that recently suffered abuse and neglect. Fought against Trump and his onslaught of evil. Fought against my own lovesickness and abandonment.

I am quite amazed at how much I have struggled with since last year, been hammered with in the past few months.

I sense a gathering storm. But I have always ridden through tempests like a wild mustang outrunning a tornado.

I get knocked down. But I get up again. Exhausted, more fragile, older but certainly growing in wisdom and awareness of who is real in my life and who never were and really don't matter because I have something those haters crave. Myself. The ability to look within and find peace even in the maelstrom.

I surround myself in love with good kind people. Blessed are the weird, unusual, and broken. We are whom we are becoming. Whole. Even if only duct-taped together or our cups filled Kinstugi-style. We shine. We rise. We live. We love another day. In a myriad ways.

My light might dim but I know someone out there will take its last smouldering embers and blaze a comet tail across the sky. A beacon of bliss. Of fiery encouragement and of new beginnings.

I am a lonely older woman. Untouched and unloved and played for a fool by so many abusers. But in the game of life, I lose. I lose. I grieve. I sigh. But even somehow the gods decree that even in my loss and abandonment I have reached a freedom that ensures that sometimes, just sometimes, I win.

I win when I see love in the world, love light up hearts and minds and faces and shine a light in dark places. Love I was denied, or torn from but which dwells stubbornly in my being. I have exacted a huge toll for being who I am. At times, it was worth it.

29 January 2015

Maybe I am in denial and shock still, but I feel so loved and supported. I feel like I am walking in a bubble of light and warmth and surrounded by loving thoughts and virtual hugs.

This is an unusual state of mind. I should not feel so comforted and happy. Big changes must be happening in the background but I have no idea what they are or how they will affect me.

I guess I will just follow my bliss and enjoy it.

…

I just varnished the case I was working on weeks ago, with resin. Now the lounge reeks again, even though I have the front door and windows open.

I have to buy another tin to finish the job but next time I think I will just use actual Varnish. This stuff stinks too much. I had to shut the cats out so they don’t get poisoned from the fumes. Or high!

…

I never run. There is no where to go and noone to run to. I stand alone with my own being. I love who I am now and whom I am Becoming. I fought too long and hard, to run from myself and hide my truth anymore.

…

With my love of wearing corsets, and cinching my waist, I must be the epitome of Victorian 'beauty'.

I will never be a waif or Heroin chic or Post-Modern. I like my food too much lmao.

29 January 2014

I had a great debrief with my psychiatrist. He agreed with me that I am not a 'man-hater' but a hater of abusers, regardless of their gender. He agreed that I was not "High" on the weekend due to any bipolar type symptoms but he totally understood my epic joy and the symbolism of bringing Tabitha Hen back from the brink of death a second time. As he noted, Tabitha's survival was symbolic to me on multifarious levels.

I explained to him that seeing the steam pour from her beak from her insides when I found her a week ago and gave her water, made me think that the Chinese must have seen this often and that is how they described the Phoenix who regenerates from its own ashes.

I am proud of who I am, and whom I am yet Becoming. He told me I am highly intelligent and very strong and that is what attracts people to me.

My task is not to doubt myself or my actions as my PTSD means I will protect myself and others in my immediate vicinity in a quest to be victorious over the abusers and to quell my own insecurities and fears and to stand my ground, which I was unable to do as a child, being victimised by 5 adults in my immediate family, nor in the relationship into adulthood with my mother, as I was always hoping and wishing she would cease damaging me and would just be a loving mother.

I will no longer accept puppet strings being attached to me. I dance for no one. I dance for LIFE, for myself, for my own Freedom, my Bliss, my survival and for my Life Force to be revivified from the zombie I was for 20 years. No regrets.

29 January 2013

Beautiful day, beautiful setting sun. Happy!

29 January 2012

I slept most of today..woke up at 2 pm...then bombed again at 4-6 pm...not good...but feel really content, peaceful and mellow tonight. So obviously needed the rest. Life goes on, spiralling psychedelicly like a whirling dervish, up, down, up, pdown...but tonight I know I have done my best and feel I am being brought back into balance. (Just for today....LOL).

…

OMG....my Paltalk buddies set me up with a Canadian guy who lives in Sydney but visits Brisbane regularly...and watched while he chatted to me..on mic, me in text. One of them was sending me his photos without him knowing which was cute but kinda cheeky of her.

He seems nice. Might meet up for coffee with him and the little aussie freespirited matchmaker and her Yanky man, who is as bad as she is. They set it up then left me with him....lol

Thank the lord for my South African friend and for my West Australian friend who watched the whole thing and held my hand LOL. I hate being matchmade...eeeeekkkkkkkk! But he's nice and has a pink Major Mitchell Cockatooo, so that's a plus...that he's loves birds. LOL

29 January 2009

has become aware that her status comments are viewed as boring....so for the uninitiated....zzzzzzzzzzzz

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons