Memories: 27 March 2023

27 March 2024

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9:03 am waiting for the bus. Since I was not sleeping anyway I got ready and left early. I will chill out at Coffee club until it’s time for my appointment at 10:15 am. My anxiety is through the roof but that’s normal.

I am healiingggg and with the right treatment I will get exponentially better and better. Sei gesund Tanya-Le….you’ve got this!

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I am pondering, not for the first time…whether to buy a printer and print out all my favourite writings I have in Facebook updates. It might be more convenient than getting stuff printed out at Officeworks which was rather expensive for two pages last time. But then of course, ink cartridges are expensive too.

Mama T is moving back into archivist mode holding onto the shreds of life and her self expression like a fucking life raft. I wonder what it will feel like to finally just let it all gooooo!

If I ever truly let go. Maybe when I transition from this life. 🙂

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Today has been an astonishingly spiritual and agapé loving day. Still on the bus but made friends with two ladies (one of whom said she saw me on the bus coming into the city!) We talked about how I recognised her face but I was off with the pixies this morning. I said “Where I go to in my head, the weather’s always perfect, and everyone is happy and we are playing joyfully!”

The women said “Oooh can we come along?” I said “Of course my darlings, you are welcome in my World any time you like but unfortunately you will likely always be broke, unemployable and “off with the pixies” then I giggled. I said “It’s not so bad, every now and then I am present and accounted for, fully functioning and self aware!” Then I laughed again.

I told them that I would love to travel to all the sacred sites but as I disappear into my own little world it would probably be very stressful getting lost all the time. Imagine me climbing the mountain to Machu Picchu all discombobulated cos I can’t find the way there! I’d go crazy! Lol But the women encouraged me that I can armchair travel on the internet where the places are always beautiful and sunny and perfect.

I smiled and said “Oh yes I already do that and see the sites in their most perfect states. Matter of fact in my mind, I am there right now”. We all had to giggle.

Life is beautiful even with my very furious spasming bladder right now. lol it did not enjoy its violations of its own autonomy (during the urodynamics test). The nurses and my urologist were quite wonderful to me, however. The Tanya is feeling Seen and Heard and Loved. DeLIGHTful!

27 March 2023

Today I melted .825 silver chains, 50 of them, into poinciana seed pods and got two ingots.

Then I took apart an old broken paua shell and sterling silver bracelet to see if I could make it into earrings.

I also varnished two copper cuffs that I had patinaed.

A busy day but a good day. I am exhausted but content.

27 March 2021

I had a lovely afternoon with the Anderson family and their beautiful dog, Rosie. Bobo loved seeing the little girls and even played much more nicely with Rosie. He played with one of Rosie’s balls and had lots of fun.

Evie and Susie both made me a lovely picture! I feel very much loved!

27 March 2020

Plus ca change plus c’est la meme chose. Except when The Tanya explodes her consciousness in a new timeline. Baby steps 😉. Miss Five has arrived in a world of chaos and ignominy but nu? So what is new?! We got this.

I have been blessed with good people who inspire and encourage me, and at times have had to pull me upright like the schlocky sloucher (read “Everything is Illuminated “ by Jonathan Safran Foer!) and throw me back into the fray.

Fearlessly flawlessly eradicating my blocks (my pearls!). But not today. Today I am a bit tired even in my blossoming.

Love is an eternal cosmic art form. It takes time to reach its masterpiece.

No, that is a lie. It can unfold in an instant, in unexpected extreme circumstances like a jack in the box. Or a supernova creating itself out of a dying star. Look. See. Hear! The creation story of the Becoming.

The Tanya is late (as usual!) to the party of consciousness but her timing is divine and may just be on point after all. Who can comprehend the mind of G-d?!

The cruelty and the suffering, though the punishments were ennobling after all.

So smile into the Light. We got this!

27 March 2019

It’s been a rough few nights. No sleeping or rather sleeping in increments. By 3 am, after lying in bed since midnight feeling exhausted I decided to put on a YouTube video to talk to my subconscious about an issue that has been much desired but evaded me most of my life. Love.

I knew, if nothing else the droning mantras of the male voice would lull me to sleep. It did. But after what seemed a relatively deep sleep I awoke 2 hours later to the sound of a woman also intoning something. My brain registered the change and bloody woke me up! All good I told myself.

I put myself back to sleep as I was starting to feel a little meshuggeneh and sleep deprivation and the brain of a psychedelic dreamer are a dangerous concoction of mortal delights and decrepitude. (In one brief moment of panic I thought about getting dressed and running with my dog through the streets but decided that was just silly, as it was raining and the roads would be slippery and Bobo needs his rest too!)

So I told myself to knock it off. Fell asleep only to waken again at 8 am. Arghhhh. I let the Beau out to pee. Crawled back into bed. Passed out.

Yayy! I thought “oh I can sleep all day if I want to. Until my debrief at 3 pm!” But the postie arrived just now with a package I had to sign for.

I stared at her myopically, in my dressing gown, wondering if the sky had fallen in the rain. She was scared of Beauregard and clambered awkwardly up my stairs (I was too woozy to go down to her but sorta met her halfway!)

I returned to my bed, ripped open the package then thought about going back to sleep then realised it was almost 11 am. Gevalt! Mama T must join the world. Sooner or later.

Yesterday I had a better day, emotionally but my gut was still in colonoscopy-mode. Someone forgot to tell it the crisis is over. So yeah, rather exhausting and laborious.

The Rising and Shining, my Darlings, might take some time until I recalibrate my gut-brain connections. My heart will go on but my Neshamah is already floating in a distant paradigm.

(Whistles it like a dog!) Nup. Like the body she inhabits, non-compliant. I like her just that way. She will come back when she is good and ready. While seamlessly dreaming in the place between this life and the other dimensions. Swinging between the Sephirot.

Haha, she just slapped me up the side of the head and told me to stop being so fucking metaphysically melodramatic. If she weren’t “here” as well as “there”, then who is driving this animus? The ghost in the machine? The zombie?!

Um....there is a long long history of that. But I have taken back the wheel in my driving seat of my life and although it’s been speeding along the highway to Hell and the Driver was as usual, reckless and forayed into uncharted territory we know that the angels throw down a rickety Jacob’s ladder for me to ascend any time I want.

I just prefer driving in my own Divinity. On a road to nowhere. Destinations of Destiny. But oh, what fun! L’ Chaim!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

“The Sleepless Berserker” formerly the “Somnulant Zombie Creature”.

Transformation into...what?! Only the Holy One Knows.

27 March 2018

Passover starts on 30th March! That snuck up on me quick.

Ah well Laila Tov /good night. I will finish watching Spotlight about child abuse in Boston in the Catholic Church tomorrow. Too ill and too tired to keep focus.

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Watching Spotlight. Painful and Harrowing.

27 March 2016

Ugh my glands are up in my lymph nodes under my armpits. Little stabbing pains. I need to rest more. I am still recovering from the epic bronchitis.

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My mother my sister my ex husband. And many more former friends.

Thanks for the Complex PTSD you bastards. I survived you all. I am one hell of a strong beautiful wonderful woman and it is your loss that you tried to destroy me so completely.

I rise and Shine. Again and again and again...you will never win. You took my money, my happiness, my sense of purpose, my safety, my loving family, destroyed my business, my home, my one-time success, eroded my confidence and turned me into a Zombie for over 30 years.

You sabotaged me when I was at school, university, work, in my own business and through my daughters (which cost me the love and respect of my youngest, another sociopath who happily accepted the mantle after my narcopath mother died.)

You sabotaged my love affairs and friendships. It took my mother's death to finally be free. Then that freedom was stolen for another 2 and a half years with her wicked soul-destroying lying Will.

My blood still runs cold and coagulates like clay around my heart.

6 years later, and I am still finding my feet. Still at almost 51 struggling for a happy comfortable love-filled life. Still trying very hard not to kill myself and to celebrate my life and my freedom and live my purpose which is to guide others out of the abyss. One heart light at a time.

I am glad of the back-handed gifts you gave me. Strength, power, determination, a lust for love, life, chocolate my animals, nature. A sprinkling of magic to keep my soul soaring inside a beaten broken dysmorphic body. A short fat Hobbit woman but Wise. Beautiful. Stoic.

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3.53 pm just woke up! I have a sore left hand because an aggressive jerk danced with me last night and spun me around but twisted my hand. For which I walked off after telling him to Settle Petal! Horrible creature with moobs.

They get drunk and think they can throw women around the dance floor which is why I rarely ever dance with men but prefer to dance free-style. Ugh. Just horrible.

Anyway, time to get up and have food and drink and play with Beauregard.

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4.51 am. Home from dancing. I am exhausted and my blisters have blisters on my feet. But I had fun.

Beauregard was happy to have his Mama home. He is gnawing on a bone. I have thrown myself into bed without even taking off my make up which I will have to do before I sleep or I will wake up with pimples.

The French-Morrocan man kept coming over to me to dance. He seems keen but really, he is a player. (Aren't they all???!) but we speak to each other in my limited French which is good practice for me after not speaking or studying it for 33 years.

He also speaks German to me when I forget words in French. Which is rather odd but cute. I am not sure why he does this since we both speak perfect English.

Tonight he flirted by saying in French that we were creating memories. Yeah righto. I smell a rat. But being flirted with in French is a tad amusing. Especially when I can say I don't understand. Haha!

A bientôt, Monsieur. I have got your modus operandi. He is sweet really. For a player.

Meanwhile I am home alone with my true loves. They don't speak French, German or Latin but they never lie and never cheat. Weeelll Mushu does, but not much as of yet, but soon he will need to have his balls chopped. Him and Beauregard.

Hmmmm. Everyone in The house will be desexed then. Sacred Space. The place of celibacy and unconditional love.

One of my lady friends informed me, tonight, after hooking up with lover no 5 that she has to have lots of sex. I hifived her. She can take 5 for the team.

I used to love sex but now it is just too much bother. Shave your legs, open close pout kick out next. Big big disappointment. Over and out. I barely remember a few years back when I still had a libido and still believed in nights of passion and true love. Haha. Silly cow!

Sings: I am so glad I am not young anymore.

27 March 2015

Last night I removed myself from Jews in Brisbane (Not necessarily Chabad)

These are my reasons:

1. I self-disclosed Years of trauma and abuse within the jewish community (and wider community!) a few weeks ago, for which I was openly attacked by 2 female members of that group. (Not the group owner who has always been supportive and tolerant!)

2. I persisted in posting all articles of educational/cultural interest relating to CSA in Australia, as a Voice for our children in our community and everywhere!

With only pure intent, and coming from that background, a Prima facie concern/fight to protect our kids.

3. Last night I posted an article from Manny Waks which, although very disappointed in the Yeshiva leadership continuing to engage in the abuse of victims and cover- ups, praised highly the efforts of the one Yeshiva Rabbi who has acted righteously. Rabbi Smukler.

4. I was asked to cease posting anything from Manny Waks as it was perceived he is not supporting all victims.

5. I found this strange and disconcerting as Manny and his family were instrumental in exposing Chabad malpractices in the Yeshiva and this resulted in a Royal Commission which vindicated him and all other victims/survivors.

The intimidation, ostracism and silencing had escalated to the degree that the entire Waks family migrated overseas!

Manny Waks continues to work for victims/survivors and I support his actions 100 %.

6. Meanwhile a member of that group who also posts and I suspect has pressured the group owner to prevent postings from Manny Waks, Or myself with this important life-saving issue, has had serious allegations of child rape made against him.

I cannot name him publicly until the family affected take him to the police.

6. It is however interesting that I was told to cease posting from Manny Waks and told he is not trustworthy, given this communal entity is gaslighting and making his own posts about CSA.

7. I have effectively been silenced and my 'voice' in support of Manny Waks and all other survivors and in support of children in our entire society has been muffled.

The young lady in question has no idea what kind of person is advising her to cease postings from Manny Waks. I hold her guiltless albeit mis-guided.

8. I cannot, in good conscience remain a member of any group that silences or shuns victims/survivors. Especially one that unknowingly has endorsed an alleged child rapist.

The truth will out.

My blood is boiling.

I can do nothing but wait for the family who were attacked to go to the police.

I have had assurances that this predator is being monitored carefully in the mean time.

QJBD has taken these allegations seriously and taken the steps to achieve justice.

I am grateful to see this development.

27 March 2014

Should I go or should I stay?

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Sometimes I feel like Frida Kahlo without the Art! Others, like Charles Bukowski without the Alcoholic Bucolicism (Art!). Some other times I am just Me! Good luck with that!

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I have decided to spend the rest of my evening in bed with a good book. I am not feeling well and my emotions are running high. It's raining and I need to build up my energy for tomorrow night. A warm bed cuddling my cat is wise indeed!

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Damn, I thought about going out tonight but now they are reporting flash flooding! I hope it will be ok tomorrow night for Sons of Anarchy!

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27 March 2012

I admitted myself to hospital after stepping on one of Bella's bones on Sunday 25th which became infected, swollen and I lost feeling and movement in my big toe on my left foot by midday on Tuesday.

I was given heaps of IV antibiotics and was told it was a medical emergency and I should have come in earlier. On Monday I had walked on my sore foot to and from the train station to go to my hairdresser. I thought the foot was just bruised internally LOL. Vanity, vanity all is vanities.

I sat in the hospital, with great hair and a fucked foot. I cried a lot ‘cos my daughter couldn't look after Bella and no one visited me but Gail who brought me some clothes.

An old man in ER with me, (with Alzheimers I am sure) fussed over me like I was his own child, covering me with blankets and made a pillow for me from two other blankets. Some young Irish women in there with me said "Awwww!" we were all touched by his sweetness.

I got very distressed as I knew he was being sent to those awful waiting stations for the Demented they call Homes and knew his Fate, having helped my own mother slowly relinquish her life in one of those god awful places.

I just wanted to pack up the old man and take him home, but logically I could never have looked after him, and it was ironic that he was tending to me so sweetly. Perhaps I reminded him of his own daughter??? His name was Felix.

After 2 days in hospital, spent mostly reading and sleeping, I went home. Crystal and Jarrod came over on the Friday night and Crystal brought dinner which was sweet of her.

I was visited by a family of aboriginal Spirits during that hospital stay. It was a tad alarming as I was not on any psychotropic medication, only the iv antibiotics (which hurt like hell when the doctor - a young handsome Russian - administered them, feeling like cut glass in my veins!)

The family were in my vision but I was not asleep or dreaming. It was my first real experience of clairvoyance. They appeared in the distance, as though I was looking through an old Viewfinder.

I was so surprised to see them sitting around a campfire but I had the presence of mind to ask them to come closer in my minds eye so I could see them more clearly. Immediately their image zoomed in, as though on a camera. I could see their faces clearly now.

The Elder man would not look me in the eye. He was turned facing to the east. But the women and a young teenage girl of about 13 or 14 looked directly at me. Smoke was curling up from their small campfire.

No words were spoken but they gave me a sense of great comfort and made me feel Welcome on their land (the PA hospital was built on ancient traditional aboriginal lands).

I knew, after seeing them that I was going to be okay. Then they disappeared from my “vision”.

I have never forgotten their kindness to me as I was in great distress in that hospital at that time. Feeling abandoned and bereft and in pain with the septic arthritis.

Update 2020:

Last June 25 2019 when I had surgery to remove my gallbladder I did not see any spirits but was close to dying as the anaesthetic shut off my breathing.

But when I came back something powerful must have come back with me as the next morning I fought my entire team of medical staff like a demonic Florence Nightingale on acid about the serious systemic abuses at preadmission and other negligent mistakes.

I was even astonished at my own courage and chutzpah. But the nurses supported me in my furious rant. They knew I was right to be angry. It seems the nurses were well aware of the doctors’ epic failures and systemic abuses also.

I also learned that I could no longer play small or deny my own power as a woman and as a spirit. No accidents in the universe. I was used as a spokesperson in my time of great pain and vulnerablity because after all... whom else would do it if not me, the furious Berserker Tanya.

I just hope and pray that I never have to go back to that bloody evil hospital ever again. Too many extremely spiritual things happen to me there.

But the aboriginal spirits protected me as best they could as I acknowledged the ancestors and custodians of that land. Little me. White woman. Hobbit. Cptsd Survivor. Spirit Warrior. Dybbuk Wrangler 😉.

It took me 9 months to heal from that. I still get twinges of pain in my liver and below my rib cage. But I am much much better.

8 months of chronic asthma was very debilitating also. But I fought my way back from the membrane between life and death because I was sent back (against my own will even!). Psy sighs.

No idea what my mission on earth might yet be but obviously it needs to be completed. I will stay alert to the signs from the multiverses as to what they desire from me but humbly beg they gift my frail mature body a rest from any cruel Attacks for a long long while. I can’t take much more.

Blessed be the Holy One in all manifestations who breathes life and love, truth and light back into my broken body, kinstugied heart and recalibrated mind a thousand times. I am grateful for the pure love I am receiving and as usual, for my own psychedelic dreaming.

Laila tov. Good night. Must attempt sleep now.

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27 March 2011

I slept all day until 2.34pm. Got a bit of a surprise to realise I'd slept all day but after my efforts I really needed a rest! Phew! At time of writing, 5.50pm it looks like we are going to get a rain or a thunderstorm. Which is good for the garden.

My mood is feeling a bit dampened anyway, probably from being overtired. So wet weather will not make me feel any worse, I hope.

27 March 2010

Sylivia Shine: WHERE ARE YOU, TANYA?

Me: I'm right here Sylvia. Been offline for a few days though. Scattering Mum's ashes tomorrow. Just saw the wedding photos. Wow you all look so fabulous! I loved your outfit. You look fantastic. Mazel Tov to you all on your happy occasion! Chag Sameach! love, Tanya

27 March 2009

hmmmm waiting to exhale....

Adrian Shine: you’ll go blue!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons