Memories: 26 March 2023

26 March 2024

This morning I received a call from the Mater hospital urology department. They have a cancellation so I have been booked in for tomorrow at 10:15 am! All systems go for the urodynamics test after which they will know definitively if Botox injections will be the best option for my bladder issues as there is a risk it could make the tvt tape issue worse.

Needless to say I am nervous as hell! But also excited that there is forward movement at long last (after 8 years of suffering!) and if the Botox works well, I will get better sleep and therefore my health can improve exponentially! Amazing!

Thank you to my doctors who have invested so heavily in my health in recent months. You are more determined for my longer continuance than even I have historically been :-) You want me THRIVING! Love you!

26 March 2023

Two fails with Yoda today. The first attempt his ears failed (a constant problem that one!) The second attempt this evening, I could not get the silver to melt with the mapp Torch (twice!)

My nerves got frazzled and I was melting in the dark. The silver would not melt. Both mapp gas bottles were half empty. I used up all of one and quit when the second bottle wouldn’t melt either.

I guess the silver is too burned. (Recycled too many times!)

I made the mould differently this time (vertical instead of horizontal!) but I won’t know if this will have made a difference as I ran out of gas and silver.

So close yet so far. I started to get dizzy from the stress of failing yet again. I had to give it up and go sit down and rest.

I wonder if I will ever succeed at anything? So frustrating! I am so sick to death of constant struggle.

But…I need to be patient with myself. I have had a few successes. Very few. But enough to know what is possible.

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8:28 am awake and out of bed. I had a much better sleep. Hallelujah. But I just awoke from a dream about my mother coming to visit me. I had gold jewellery strewn across the table and was frantically looking for designs suitable for mould making or for casting.

She looked at me...her face tight and fierce-looking, with not an ounce of kindness, but tore out a cheque book out of her handbag and scribbled down into it. I held my breath.

In real life my mother rarely gave me money. There were always either huge scenes that she staged for the benefit of her neighbours or actual legal documents drawn up, charging high interest on the occasion my husband and I needed bridging finance until his inheritance came through to buy our house…Freehold!

There was the time we borrowed $2000 to pay for my front tooth crown and I came home, swollen, bruised and brutalised by that dentist but my mother demanded the $2k immediately back. Sadistic she was.

Let us also not ever forget how she and her conman husband coerced me into bankruptcy for $9K when I was very vulnerable, suffering a mental breakdown and my ex husband had withheld child support so I could not pay my debts.

How she screamed at me that I was bad with money and useless and he, Buck Scherer had also screamed at me so in a trance-like state, suicidal and thinking there was no other options…I gave him what he most wanted…my bankruptcy….which meant later on I was not eligible for power of attorney so he grasped control of my mother’s finances which had been his long game all along. I hope they both rot in hell!

My same mother who had shaken my father’s father’s hand in a “gentlemen’s agreement” yet thought nothing of robbing me of that land on Waiheke Island. Mercenary evil bitch.…but…in the dream I look at her scribbling into a cheque book, doubting my sanity as she never wished me well or gave me financial aid without strings that always burned me for years after. So I asked her “what are you doing!?”

She hands me a cheque for $15 000. “Buy what you need, Tanya. I can see you struggling so hard to achieve your aims!” (In real life $15k would just buy me a good quality rolling machine and some silver. But it’s a good start.) Back to the dream…”I believe in you” she says, her jaw snapping with her characteristic germanic viciousness and hardly looking benevolent at all.

I look down at the cheque…my hands shaking and I start to cry… what fresh nightmare is this? Says my lucid dreaming side…cheques bounce, she only ever lied and deceived and betrayed and abused and slandered. Taking money from her is like dancing with the Devil. Always a cost beyond the price of the evaluation. A chunk of my heart and ceding my soul.

I go to push it across the table. “Take it” she spits. “I got to thinking about all the hardships I caused you and the children and this time…I want you to succeed”.

I nod, crying violently in horror and disbelief. I wake up. It’s just a dream but my mother knows how to push my buttons…even in the astral.

I bounce out of bed. I will do this…without her and her callow vicious deceiving illusory promises of assistance. I can’t bank on her…but I can believe in myself…baby steps…alone…success is coming…I can feel it breathing beside me…cheering me on.

26 March 2022

I AM WORTHY. I AM HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL. I AM PROSPEROUS. I AM HEALTHY. I AM HAPPY. I AM TRULY GREATLY LOVED AND RESPECTED. I AM GRATEFUL. I AM SURROUNDED BY GOOD KIND LIFE AFFIRMING/LIFE ENHANCING PEOPLE (Community/tribe) WHO HAVE MY BACK AND SUPPORT ME IN ALL MY ENDEAVOURS, BIG AND SMALL!

I AM FREE. I AM LIVING IN PEACE. I AM WHOM I AM BECOMING…a perfect emanation of the I Am That I Am “Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh”.

With harm to none, so it is done! :-)))

26 March 2021

I had to sell a suitcase (which I never used) and some porcelain drink labels to partially pay for my lawnmowing today. $80 but I only sold for $55.

I have made a decision of heart and mind: this shit has to stop!!!!

So I will be channeling all my energies in the ensuing months/years to learning silversmithing with the hope of starting my own business. I am soul sick (and physically sick) of living in dire poverty and being treated by society in general as some kind of loser not deserving of Enough to pay my basic needs. The pension does not cover it. Food costs have increased, mowing costs have increased but the pension has not!!!

I don’t know how I will pull myself together enough to succeed financially. It’s probably hopeless and too late.

But several people have offered assistance with how to get started (what tools to buy etc!) so I think it’s going to take some hard work (on days I have enough energy!) and determination but I can do it.

My goal is to rent a little shop and I will be calling my business “Titania’s Realm”. If the gods decree it, the funds will manifest to at least get enough capital to start small then eventually get myself a shop.

I know... I know... I have said this before but always been stymied by poor health, other people’s negativity, doubts and fears and tall poppy syndrome. So many former friends/family were envious of me even wanting more for myself. Ghastly.

But I am Putting it out to the universe: help me thrive at last! Thriving means being able to afford lawnmowing, paying bills, buying enough food, living in relative comfort.

My version of thriving will still fall shorter of everyone else’s who have homes and partners and enough health to work hard and achieve their goals but is a start. I am stepping up to the plate.

I am sick sick sick of doctors and other creeps making me feel disposable/useless/ and insane when all I wanted from life was true love and justice and a fair bloody go!

End of rant!

Today...I am still exhausted from my efforts in recent months...none of which can be monetised but gave me a sense of creative joy and lifted me up from my usual Gravel rashed splonging in my personal hellish Shadowlands!

I was shown that I am a deeply powerful creative determined force of Supernature when I put my mind to something. It’s a great pity and a grave injustice that I was denied my birthright for so many decades.

But the time is Now to strive to thrive and grow my little creative endeavours into something I am proud of.

My own version of Success. If the multiverses wills it, the money will come to get started, my health will improve and opportunities will manifest exponentially. Who knows...maybe even the true heartfelt supportive Lover might one day manifest as well.

I have been struggling alone (but with the support of dear friends) for decades. It’s time to embrace change and a new level of consciousness that gifts me permission to be a lot more prosperous.

I am WORTHY! The Tanya has spoken/written her new manifestation. So MOTE IT BE IN THE ETERNAL NOW.

Amen v’selah.

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A reminder to all my magical folk, healers, friends, light workers, lovers of the multiverses, shamans, witches, and goddess worshippers and anyone else interested in the expanded consciousness!

The next Sacred Space Spiritual Social Circle will be held at Orleigh Park, West End, Brisbane on 10 April 2021, 3-5 pm.

If you are interested in meeting likeminded people interested in all things paranormal, metaphysical, magical then do come along.

The topic will be Aliens, UAPs...a wide subject so we will have lots of input especially if any of you are Experiencers!

Blessed Be from my Sacred Space (heart/mind/body/soul integration) to yours.

A $5 donation is appreciated. Or other energy transfer such as a story, an offering to the Fae or ancestral

Spirits or your own positivity and openness to show up and join with us.

We are about sharing joy and raising energy!

Bring a blanket or chair to sit on, snacks if you wish to picnic with us, something to drink, a jacket or cardigan if it’s a cool afternoon.

Bring your masks as there is yet another outbreak in the Brisbane community. We will sit in circle 1:5 metres apart. Bring hand sanitiser. No hugging or handshaking however we will be out in fresh air so may not need masks unless a large group forms.

COME IN UNITY =. Community!

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My psychiatrist says I am obsessional and wondered when that kicked in. I quipped “at my last near death experience with the surgery when I realised I might die with having achieved so little!” He scribbled that down in his notes!!!

He agreed with me that I am Riddled with a driven kind of angst because I have been so physically ill in recent weeks. Striving to attain the impossible and feeling pressured because I sense (hopefully erroneously!) that I am dying. He says it’s a fixture of intelligent people to try to push ourselves when the chips are down.

Only my chips have been down for long decades and it’s long past time I cashed in the fucking chips and made something of myself.

Psy sighs.

26 March 2020

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Oh and I survived through this rather strange life, a dormouse on the teapot surrounded by Evil mad hatters for decades without once taking lsd/cocaine/heroin/meth or any other mind altering substances.

I only got to heal a great deal of my traumas with cannabis after I was 40. In moderation!

Even my ex bf who was an experienced drug user used to joke that I had so many psych meds on board but had not even begun to have fun with the drugs I was on yet.

Smart arse!

I hear mdma, shrooms, lsd, ayahuasca are all good for complex trauma. But I healed my mind with 20years of talking therapy, my characteristic dark sense of humour, dancing, the very rare spliff and a great amount of sheer determination instead. Clutching at life by my fingernails.

Perhaps in truth I only healed by surviving so many close shaves with death that it all became rather ridiculous.

Hahaha. A bit subliminal this meme. My younger daughter Is named Jasmine Ariel Arons. (Ariela Bat Michal v’Rut Tanya)

Like the rest of the Arons Women she has not found a life partner...yet. I raised strong independent smart women. No point crying over the fact they don’t have much care for me as their mother.

It is what it is. But they are Free, strong. Not dependent on men or any other human. That is a virtue in a time of constant abuse and crisis.

While their mother was down the rabbit hole, gathering her pieces of soul back after decades of trauma and varied abuses...my daughters were travelling Europe experiencing life as wanderers. (A truly Phillips tradition...das Wandern ist das Muellers Lust! Fuck it.)

At least they got to see the world.

…

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I had a lovely day today. Conference calls with new friends. (Even, Sigh...lmao...if they did need to become accustomed to my face!), phone calls with my beautiful Lyn and handsome and very sick Jarrod.

I had a walk around the block with Beauregard and Charlie and two chats (keeping a safe distance) with people in the ‘hood. Then home to make zucchini fries (another attempt) and now watching Freud on Netflix.

It was a beautiful sunny day today. Warm and comforting. Life is good.

…

Hilarious!

26 March 2019

Watching Miracles on Stan. Funny and poignant. “What if G-d was one of us?”

Julie Goddard: What if god smoked cannabis ?

Me: Julie Goddard he was smoking some weird shit when he made flies, mosquitoes, lice, fleas and cane toads.

Julie Goddard: Tanya Arons 😂

…

…

11:56 pm. I had a lovely afternoon and evening. Jarrod, and later Crystal, came to visit me. We went shopping at Kmart as Crystal wanted to buy me an electric kettle as she found my boiling water on the stove too slow and annoying.

After we had a look at the shops Crystal bought us all dinner at a local Chinese restaurant called “Billy’s” which we had never been to before but the food was delicious and the service fast and pleasant.

Then we drove Crystal home and Jarrod and returned back to my place so we could watch tv and relax. Bobo spent some time slathering Jarrod with Bobo kisses which was kinda gross but cute at the same time. Bobo loved the new ball that Crystal bought him as well.

So after my very strangely emotional day, things turned out lovely after all. Hopefully the depression was just the after-effects of the anaesthetic leaving my body.

I have my usual debrief with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. He will be able to allay any fears I have about my discombobulated mind.

Oh and thanks to my stubborn and beautiful daughter, I can now make tea without the possibility of burning out my copper pots and wasting all that gas, boiling water. (I was waiting until I could afford a better quality electric kettle but Crystal insisted that a cheap one will do in the meantime!) So yayy! Tea for a very fractious old Mama T!

26 March 2018

So sick of being constantly sick! I just want it all to be over.

Have to drag my sorry arse to chemist to buy more Ventolin. I have tried to avoid it all day but my inhaler is empty.

Jenny Fitzgerald: 😔I feel a bit at fault I should have been more determined to get you to stay home Saturday night to have a relaxing spa a few drinks and munchies and movies night and not go out raging it was not a good idea

Me: Don’t be ridiculous. I am a grown woman and I make my own choices. I had a good weekend. Yes it was overdrive and yes, I pay the Piper (or the ferry man on the mythical River Styx - that mofo won’t let me crossover grrr)

All good. Bought more Ventolin, knitting on couch (albeit tired as want to keep my hands busy as anxious) watching tv. Dog beside me.

Hopefully will be better in a few days.

…

Right! Finally managed to have a shower as I was so exhausted yesterday even that was too much effort. Now cleansed and purified.

2 more days of Prednisone. Weaning off. Not sure if I am much better but no worse. Healingggggg!

I slept a lot yesterday. I might do the same today.

Mentally clear but my sinuses are a mess. Stage Three of illness? I don’t need antibiotics as chest is not phlegmy. Just rest and more rest.

…

Me: Here comes the crash!

Nigel Peaceful: I think the dollar collapse is about three years away

Me: Be sooner if major stores are collapsing. Who are we kiddding? We have been in a depression for a while now. Our whole economy is fucked.

26 March 2017

I had another beautiful night last night with my superb friends. I am just so replete with happiness I could just burst. Happiness is contagious! I watched it trickle through the crowd like a tinkling stream, gently enlivening everyone.

Some of us magicians of Light and Love directed it like a flight of swallows in a cascading state of bliss. Then we staggered home foot sore and exhausted but majestic in our service to the Joy.

Ok brain not engaged yet as just woke up after 4 hours sleep but you get my vibe. I have no toes, no soles or any feeling from the ankles down but we had a blast and that is worthy of the life of a former Shield Maiden's meteoric Matronic climb back into the seat of her own soul. "They tried to kill us, we won, let's Dance".

Blessed be the Holy One who shines Light in dark places from a tiny refraction we built a glow that can flow into eternity. Tiny sparks of the Divine entering into a sublime Awakening. So much Love for the Lost and Forgotten.

Blossoming and churning our way into healing through music, dance and enchantment. I love all my friends. New and old who chose to embrace me on this journey from hell to paradise.

A great gift I have been so blessed to receive.

May the Force always be with us! :-)

…

Up and at 'em. I had a good rest.

26 March 2016

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Still recovering from my recent illness. I slept from 10 pm last night til 2 pm today. 16 hours sleep! I had to take extra Seroquel last night as my mind was raving on about useless shit but my body was exhausted.

Anyhoo I am well rested. Sitting in my garden drinking tea and loving life while watching the chickens, cats and Beauregard. He slept that long too! So now he is a stir-crazy puppy. Off to the dog park we go! Soon! He is so good now but even puppies have their limits. A walk in the forest behind me will do me good too!

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Omg. Something made me check my bank account. I got paid early, yesterday! So good to be able to eat for next few days as I thought I was going to be broke until Tuesday. Fuck! Riding through life on the razor's edge is cuttingly scary at times. Thank you Centrelink and Commonwealth Bank. Tuesday is not a public holiday but boy am I grateful to have found I have been paid.

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Muggy night tonight. Phew! Sitting here in silent haze of my own glow! Time to a shower and dress for my night out.

26 March 2014

Celestial Fire all around me, Radiant Passion inside me, Lifeforce through me, True Love magnetically drawn to me, Compassion inspires me. Negativity repelled by me. So Mote it Be! Selah! Thank you God for sustaining me and bringing me to this season. Amen.

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Hungry Mama....gonna go chase food, and it better stand still long enough for me to eat it! Reeeeoowwwww!

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Damn, I have a dry sore throat. I hope I don't get sick before the weekend! It will take me 8 weeks to recover if I do ffs!

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Just woke up @ 2.30 pm. I had a good sleep! Now 2 more sleeps til my evening with Mayhem with Gail and Sons of Anarchy "Juice", "Bobby" and "Tig". Gail will get to meet them in person! Just Wow!

26 March 2011

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons