Memories: 20 March 2023

20 March 2024

20 March 2023

I have now discovered my sore shin is swollen. I hope it’s not sepsis. I’ve been working hard on my jewellery projects and yes it hurts to stand too long (I noticed it while melting silver.) but everything hurts these days so I have been pushing through the pain barrier and my anxiety and my feelings of inadequacy.

I hope this settles down as hospitals are dangerous for me. They even “lost” my patient file at the QE 2.

I just came back from a walk, dripping in sweat (from the heat!) so hopefully this is just a reaction to the heat and nothing serious.

…

Yoda Number Two! Making him as a birthday gift for my friend, Lyn

…

2:30 am unable to sleep again. Asthma playing up. I worked hard yesterday. I successfully cast the ring I had been working on, and failing at that for the past week. I barely slept last night with trepidation that it might fail yet again,

When it cast, I was so exhilarated with joy and triumph that I was dancing for joy in my garden!

Then I spent the rest of the day until 8 pm filing and shaping it. Cutting off the air vents etc. I still have the sprue to cut.

I fully expected to sleep well tonight, but alas no. I have already been up a few times to pee, and let Bobo out.

The pain in my left shin bone which I hurt a few weeks ago is really aching badly tonight. Ugh. I really should get it xrayed but I have been advised to not have anymore X-rays as it risks further damage to my bladder. So what can I do?…but struggle and hope it heals itself!

I hope this defiant creative outburst of hypomanic delirium settles down soon. I am pushing myself far too hard. Something has got to give….

I didn’t go dancing this weekend and it was actually a good thing. Rest my legs and sore left foot, and instead focused on my ring. I need to reserve my energies for people who actually value and appreciate me too.

20 March 2022

Kills me every time!

20 March 2021

12:17 am time to Schluff and give my poor beleaguered body a break...if my brain lets me rest. Too many psychedelic dreams lately are spinning me on a non-existent dime. Let’s dance the sublime Subliminal and sleep long enough to cure the worst of my physical onslaughts. Enough already!

…

…

…

Although I was in a lot of pain today with my back, I managed to grind down the key mechanism, and paint it. Then bathed the dog, who actually really needed it and was compliant for a change. Then I cooked apricot chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner.

Now I feel quite exhausted and weak. But I have pushed through the pain and got those few odd jobs done, plus did the dishes!

I also lay down a collection of old egg cartons in the back garden to help kill the weeds.

…

I had this old decorative key my mother gave me eons ago, hanging on my front door. I wanted to use it on my cabinet but the end bit was too wide. So I brought out my mini grinder and tried cutting it off with a disc. Scary. But I made enough progress to finish sawing the rest of the bit off with a hand saw.

Guess what... it fits now! Only problem is, it was a bit cracked in the drum so the piece chipped off.

But you don’t see that when it’s inside the lock.

Now to spray paint it gold. It should look quite pretty!

I priced similar keys on eBay and they were all over $100 so I saved myself some money by upcycling the key myself :-)

20 March 2020

11:11 pm make a wish 🙂. Let there be Healing of our world. Let freedom be a precious gift and lifestyle for all Sentient beings. Let Love and Honour and Integrity, Generousity and Compassion hold their sway. Let laughter ring across all Dimensions.

Let there be comfort and more than enough for the marginalised and oppressed. Let those of us who slept the zombie walk Arise and Shine in our own Divinity with harm to none.

Let us Dance. In our spirit. In our hearts. In our bodies. Let us heal and bring out the Light in each other. Let us Be.

…

10:42 pm Tonight I wrap my arms like an eagle in deep love and reverence for all people. Especially for the man I find myself mysteriously obsessing over for the past few days. Unable to have contact because the slanderers and the vicious held their sway and he could not abide my Light or my Fury.

I get it. I once prayed to God for perfect alignment but God has His own timeframes and important gifts of life lessons and sometimes fickle tests of hearts and minds.

So I must send Love in an often Loveless paradigm. I can “hear” the screaming energetic signals from his spirit to mine. But in the physical: no contact. No trust. Too many games were played and The Tanya must guard her heart.

So tonight I send out true and deep abiding Love. Also protection. He had his own lessons to endure. To stand in his own power. But I cannot cut the energetic telepathy and I find that a tad disconcerting.

Will I have another attachment so potent that this man will also “haunt” me when he eventually passes?! Although he has “stalked” me enough in real world.

Not in a threatening way but awkwardly irritating at times. But then this world is never fully Real or Actualised. It’s all just an illusion and some weird cosmic play.

The older I get (especially in recent months with my very precarious health) the more I observe we are all still very much vulnerable and raw children trapped in adult bodies, conscious of our own decay and impermanence and starving to be witnessed, heard and acknowledged if not Validated.

Sometimes we come out to Play in delightfully whimsical Ways and other times we are just capriciously dangerous - like tantrum tossers with adult weapons and adult desires.

I often long for a more innocent time but my own childhood was pockmarked by so many predators that my nascent existence was hardly ever truly innocent.

But I have retained my heart and soul and even in recent years (Baruch HaShem and my worthy psychiatrists) my Mind. I am Becoming...Whole again. It is the most spectacular gift. I feel grateful and humbled and just astonished.

But here we are... dancing through our pain, and rejoicing in Life in all its kaleidoscopic manifestations.

Thank you Gaia! Thank you Life! Thank you to my enemies who inspired me to be anything but them.

Thank you to my true friends, my small but determined loving family members. Thank you for the Breath. Thank you for the re-birthing of our Planet.

I am gifted great great Spirits in human form who truly See me. A “family” of Heart and Soul across the globe. An honour and a deep privilege.

…

Crystal told me this afternoon that the government here in Brisbane has ceased feeding the Homeless. I am deeply worried. I don’t have enough food to help my friends in the homeless community and as the city is in shutdown I am not even at the casino for my customary end-of-night chats or joke or at least a kind word which is often my only contribution.

So PEOPLE OF BRISBANE... if you are out and about for any reason and you meet a homeless person anywhere on the streets. Give them what you can! A kind word. A smile. Enough for a meal. A cigarette. I was about to say a hug but social distancing means we should not be too close to each other. Buy them a coffee. Love each other.

Especially the homeless whose lives have already been hard and have nowhere to go and are often marginalised or spat on. Especially the first to be “punished” in a time of crisis. As though mere basic survival for a fucking lifetime has not been punishment enough.

I would be out on the streets right now if I had more food. Seriously. Also winter is coming...literally.

Shame Brisbane...shame.

When I told my American friend he was greatly distressed. He rightly pointed out that the next step will be bussing all the homeless to some god-awful camp somewhere so they can quietly disappear from mainstream society.

We as jews know how that goes!!!

If you can’t protect the Vulnerable , the poor and marginalised then this society is no better than the Nazis who were the worst virus that ever infested the world in the last century.

Never forget.

Love the broken lest you too, shall be broken. Love is the law.

The Tanya has Spoken!

…

Tonight I am feeling happy. I had a long chat with Michel in America, another long chat with Lyn. I also was in touch with my daughter Crystal today, who has come down with a light fever so could not visit me as she fears it might be coronavirus.

But I feel very much loved, respected and supported and validated.

La Vie est Belle! Oh ...ohhh. Tonight’s sunset was unusual. A layer of peach colour with rose on top. I did not stop to take a photo but it was lovely. La vie est belle but it is also “En Rose”. In the style of the Little Sparrow...je ne regrette rien!

I do regret being lazy and not continuing my french studies though. Lol.

…

Band cancelled at casino tonight. 😞 but better than getting sick.

20 March 2019

Tonight is Purim. While everyone is davening and dancing and drinking in celebration of our survival as a people, in gratitude to Queen Esther, an audacious bodacious Woman, this little Mama T will be blowing out her tochas. :-(((. Unfair.

But I celebrate my freedom and survival as a woman every weekend so I won’t be missing out on any revelry. Just revelling in the revelations of my morbid mortal fragility.

Have a Hamantaschen or three hundred for me. Enjoy! Prosper! Thrive! Flourish! Love to all! Chag Purim Sameach!

…

It is such a pretty day outside.

…

12:52 am. I just got out of bed as I have lain here since 11 pm unable to sleep. I figured I must be hungry as I have not eaten much yesterday. So I made a pot of semolina pudding.

Tomorrow I can’t eat anything after midday as I start my prep for the colonoscopy on Thursday arvo.

So I decided in the middle of the night to fill my gut up with something substantial as it will all be eradicated tomorrow anyway. Also I am exhausted as I have not slept well for a week so food will hopefully settle me down for the rest of tonight. I am like a wild Viking Berserker who must feed...and sleep.

Blech, I will get through the ordeal of tomorrow and Thursday. I have done this several times before, but by the gods, my body hates being regimented and purged and all that Jazz.

I spent the evening making bead curtains (I have kept busy all week doing this!) to try to keep my anxiety and distress about medical interventions and invasions of my body at bay. All good.

It weirded out Charlie having me working in his bedroom each evening. He is not used to me being in his space at night. He made lots of unusual Whistles and calls. I bet he is sleeping well now that I have retreated to my own bedroom.

Anyway, laila Tov! Must try to get some kip.

20 March 2018

I am lying in my hammock (this time attached to the hammock stand). The sun is shining through the foliage of the golden rain tree. It is in flower and I am quietly watching bees gathering their pollen. Charlie is chewing bark and muttering to himself as he clambers all around the tree.

I watched 2 episodes on Gaia about “letting go” and “contentment” in yoga practise. Non-attachment to the world’s chaos and stress, to human cruelty and fickle ellipses (...). To continuance, to rectification. To peace.

I am Loved. It is enough. Life is joyous and beautiful. I am free to manifest all my most cherished dreams and desires, with harm to none, by the Will of G-d and The Tanya. (Insert witchy giggle here).

Still exhausted after the weekend. Still in intensive self-care after busting out like a fire cracker.

Still proud of myself and how far I have come on my journey.

Hopefully not much longer to go until I reach my personal Nirvana. In whatever form that G-d co-creates for/with me.

Grateful blessed happy woman here!

…

Ouch. My hammock ropes just snapped and I was thrown down to the ground. Fuck it.

Funnily enough I was looking at them last week thinking they could go at any time. Too stupid to check them for extreme wear but psychic enough to know I would snap my back. Lmao

The Tanya is a fricking idiot. In more ways than one Darlings!

Update 20 March 2022: Lmao. Precognitive klutziness.

20 March 2017

…

20 March 2016

Some days, like today, after dealing with trolls on child sexual abuse issues, I can't help thinking that some people no longer deserve to be alive or walk among us.

It is disturbing and sickening to be subjected to such perverted attitudes towards girls, women and male children. No one is safe while this pervasive insidious culture of rape, sodomy, molestation is allowed to persist and even glorified.

I am on the verge of becoming a vigilante. Just be grateful I don't know how to shoot/buy or own a gun. Sick to death of violence. Two wrongs don't make a right but seriously. Enough already!

…

…

4 pm awake. Fishpond still full. Phew! My beautiful childhood friend from Caulffield Primary School is coming to Brisbane with her son and partner! They arrive on my birthday. I am so excited. OMG! It has been several years since I last saw her! What a lovely surprise to wake up to!

I slept from 6 am. I had a wonderful weekend dancing. My chest is still shitty but getting better. I have one antibiotic left. Considering whether to get a second course.

I have fed the fish and let the chooks out. Bobo is enjoying being up for the afternoon. It is a lovely pleasant cool afternoon. (I must have slept through the heat again). So quiet in the neighbourhood!

…

4.30 am. Came home from a great night dancing to discover my large fishpond almost empty and the connection to the fountain snapped off. Bloody furious as the pump is only a month old.

I have spent the last 45 minutes refilling the pond so my fish don't die and trying to fix the pump - fountain connection. It looks like someone has snapped it off. This does not explain where all the water went?!

So I turned the pump off in the hope that the water level will stay at the top while I sleep. I should just take the piece of shit back to Bunnings. Aquapro must have changed the design as I don't recall having this much trouble before.

I can't afford an Oase which is a better brand which lasted 7 years when I owned my own home. Looks like I will be saving up for one as I am done with this shit. I was lucky my prize fish were still swimming in two inches of water. A few more hours and they would have died.

I hope no one came on my property and deliberately vandalised the pump. That is just nasty!

20 March 2014

I had an nice day in spite of the incessant humidity. Sarah invited me over for a lovely dinner, and we watched Hauntings Australia which I thoroughly enjoyed.

…

4.28am still awake and all is well :-). I might attempt sleep or I will be baaaaaaacccccckkkkkk!

20 March 2011

20 March 2009

Awww my cheek is still sore from the injection in the back molar...otherwise had a great day!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons