Memories: 25 September 2023

25 September 2023

It’s a humid greyish day. I slept until 10:30 am. Exhausted. But set to raking all the leaves on my lawns and burning them, as it’s a perfect day for it. No wind, and rain or showers are imminent.

I am playing music, singing along and occasionally dancing as I had to rest after the raking of the leaves. But all good.

My psychiatrist rang me and he is completing the referral to the urologist for me. So I sent him an email with my bladder symptoms. I told him I am happier the past few days as I can see he is fighting for me. He truly is a wonderful human being!

I pray my bladder can be assisted in some way so I can have continued years on this planet. I too am fighting for my life.

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7:53 pm I just finished working on another sterling silver chain. I was very weak and dizzy today. But I sat at my bench and made jump rings, soldered them, twisted them into shape then made smaller jump rings to link the chain together.

I ran short of jumprings so the chain is too short to wear so I will make another eight or ten 12mm jumprings tomorrow. I am exhausted but I am glad I made most of the chain today.

I am going to relax, watch some Netflix then go to bed early tonight.

25 September 2022

8:41 am Awake but only just. Yesterday was a write-off. I slept until 11:30 am then spent the day in epic exhaustion from the four hours of dancing I achieved on Friday night. Also the epic weirdness.

So yesterday I felt fragile and have a pinched sciatic nerve and I just moved through the day like trudging in mud. I went to bed early but then woke up during the night (about 1 ish) then went back to sleep after an hour or so.

I am now awake and feel mentally clear so sleep helped heal that weird transitional crisis (over-exercise and hyper-vigilance!) but the sciatic nerve still has a slight ache. It’s funny because dancing is supposed to be good for you, yet it nearly kills me!

At any rate I reached the point when my soul left my body in a state of euphoria but also exhaustion and it was dancing around me for about a minute. A strange disassociation that happens when I have pushed past my own physical limits.

I looked around the dance floor and other dancers were smiling at me with the same silly grin on their faces, but smiling into my face with a measure of awe.

If they knew how unwell I generally am with my asthma and my gut and my unfit hobbit body and how dancing like a demon once a week is so precarious and that it takes me three days to recover they would not hold me in such awe! But I am building up stamina after my long illness and dancing is a good release for me.

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Tonight we celebrate Rosh Hashanah . May we be inscribed in the Book of Life for a life of merit, truth, truest deepest Love that is most profoundly ennobling, loyal, faithful, authentic. May we be upheld by G-d in all manifestations of holiness, benevolence, kindness, joy and sweetness, in comfort and ease, blessed and protected and yes, cherished.

May my own personal long decades of isolation, loneliness and trauma come to an end and May the light that resides at the end of that longest darkest tunnel open out into a vista of peace (Shalom), new potentialities, new blossomings and invite new people into my life that are happy and willing to be in my personal circle of trust and support.

My circle is small for a reason People! 🙂. But I am cognisant of how much we are all needed to be available with open hearts and open minds in this current fucked up zombie apocalypse. Where the epic debauchery is on full view in my local dance scene. Another female without underwear with a red satin evening dress split up to her navel and her bush on full display.

Is this some kind of post apocalyptic rebellion on the part of these young women?

Have they not been raped or tortured enough that now they must literally display their wares so Openly and shamelessly. I tell you it’s just gross. The girl was so spray painted with fake tan and her hair so bleached and her body so toned and her pubes so black well, she looked like a walking parody of a Barbie doll anyway. Not quite real.

I turned away. In disgust. It’s not safe for her or anyone to behave like that. But this is the next generation. So violated by our patriarchy that they have no sense of self protection or morals at all.

Between that unwelcome view and former wannabe “suitors” surrounding me during the night it’s no wonder I am mentally drained as well as my usual physical depletion from the dancing. Wildly, holding my own sacred space and stomping ground.

Knickerless one did not dare approach me. I would have told her to go home and get dressed. Yuck!

So this New Year I would ask if the Holy One would grant me the serenity of basic decency and perhaps a truly kind decent man to have as a lover/life partner because I am done struggling alone in a world that has gone exponentially insane and depraved.

Thanks in advance. 🙂

25 September 2021

25 September 2020

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0pTYDJQfUdnYDxUUZLUtLMxxaP4dF1NYoJkgFqBeHRts9cjA16FtPrR2d3z3uYptql&id=1340840204&mibextid=v7YzmG

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The blue tongue lizard is back. I had to give Bobo a smack as he had it bailed up. I could hear the hissing. Poor thing. The lizard is okay though. I left water out for him to drink. He has not chosen his new abode well, as the dog won’t leave him alone. A worry.

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Today in my debrief my doctor told me I am an iconoclast. I don’t believe in defacing religious objects but I do frequently challenge the beliefs of our current sadistic paradigm. Because it’s systemic abuse and utter Horseshit.

My goodness but I am exhausted. I did another coat of varnish just now (you are not supposed to use it when it’s raining!). Just as I finished the last brushstroke there was a loud thunder clap!

Wtf?! I had checked the weather app all day as I sensed a storm coming (my epic restless state is the usual prediction of a shift in weather!) All day that stupid app said no rain.

But here it is ... a brief storm to cool the air. I pray it doesn’t ruin my varnish (the 25th coat!)

Oh well it’s almost 10 pm. I was gonna squeeze another coat in, but now it’s raining it can wait until tomorrow when it dries up again.

I am glad it’s raining as the garden was so dry. It will refresh everything.

25 September 2019

I just deleted Cees’s memorial page. As synchronicity would have it, the moment I deleted it, a documentary came on tv about Black Peter in the Netherlands. I can’t tell if this was approval or not from the spirit world. Lmao.

I know one thing. I will not be aggrandising any former abusers in memorial. It’s bad enough I have my own parents on my fb page. But they earned that rare privilege by dint of biological imperative.

I think after “honouring” Cees’s memory for almost 24 years since his death on 25 Nov 1995, I have more than done my part. Enough already.

I am setting myself free of former sexual abusers within my family of origin in the rather pathetic hope that all blocks and impediments to my future happiness with a love partner will be erased.

As a trauma survivor no man has ever wanted me for a partner. I get it. But I have suffered long enough. For evil shit that was never my fault.

I am free. I am beautiful. I am powerful. I am worthy of a true love that is ennobling and kind and decent. Loyal, faithful, nurturing, protective. Ie a relationship with a sexual partner that I have never had before.

Time will tell if it ever manifests. Knowing what I deserve and attracting the right partner are not necessarily coherent.

But after 20 years of therapy, and being literally held back by former abusers, I think it’s time to trust that the universe will gift me the life I have always dreamed of, if not in this incarnation then perhaps the next one. It’s in the lap of the gods. 😉

I will burn his photos. I think it’s time I burnt the will dispute documentation also. It’s time to stop holding onto an abusive harrowing awful past.

Begin the Beguine. I am Whom am Becoming.

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25 September 2018

25 September 2017

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25 September 2016

5.15 am. Been in bed since 4.30 am. Itchy, over-wrought from too much exercise. Had a hot Epsom salt bath. Now had to get up to let Mushu out. Time to knock myself out. Rest.

Time to give up on dancing for awhile. Not be manipulated by liars, Narcopaths etc.

I have hurt my ankle. Will be hard to walk for a few days.

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Going out with $2.50 in my bank account $7 in my purse. My bus card (like a school kid) which will get me there and home again. A packet of chippies as I forgot to eat as I was busy decoupaging.

Living my own psychedelic dream, by the seat of my pants and loving it.

River fire night so taking the bus as it will be hard to get parking with the crowds in the city.

My feet are still sore from last night's performance art so am wearing thongs and have my high heeled shoes to change into. Finally learning to protect my tootsies.

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I had a wonderful time last night. Thank you Annette, Catherine, Tischia, Joe (who did his weird acupressure thing on my right hand again "for my stomach"). Not sure how effective it is, as I jumped to the ceiling in a Yelp of pain but somehow I feel better. Lovely man.

I even quipped to Joe "What is my prognosis? I am going to die, just not today?!" He very dryly quipped back "Not today but Soon!" Then grinned impishly. Ahhh true loves get my weird fucked up sense of humour. I sighed with relief/release and happiness.

I said "You know I have a phobia of Natural Healers". He just smiled. Could be worse. He could have been a homoeopathic psychopath. Lmao. He danced behind me, pressed his back against my back as I sat on the stool. (So he could pummel my back with his own spine as he sensed I dislike his pummelling my back in a rough massage with his fists. So I leaned back and pummelled him in his back with my enormous Germanic wide back muscles. Davidson once told me I had the body of a peasant and should be set to work ploughing fields. Haha.

Joe could not cope with my returning his own medicine. So that did not last long but we did enjoy our dancing side by side, bumping our thighs and hips together. Security were very amused. They know I rarely make actual body contact with anyone when I dance. But Joe is a nice person unless he gets a little too personal in my space.

Then I shove him off and waggle my finger at him and he laughs good naturedly. I like dancing with him because he is very aware of my warrior status and how far I will let him go. He respects me. I like that in a man.

There was so much love in that room last night. I observed it and was ennobled by it. It wore some rough edges off my own moribund carbuncled soul. I am blessed.

25 September 2015

Well my life gets curiouser. Tonight the police arrived at 11.18 pm asking if I was suicidal today? I let them in, gave them my drivers license for ID. They asked how many cats I have? Mental health check.

I was actually stunned as I was fine. I was feeling down 2 days ago. But I wonder who is calling the Police? The male officer asked me if I got a lot of loose fur on the floors from the cats. I said, only one sheds a fair bit. He said "your floors look clean compared to mine" I said "yeah, well I haven't mopped the floors in weeks so that is amazing".

The front lounge room is fairly clean as I hardly spend time watching tv in there anymore. Socks has the whole room to himself. The cop went and patted Socks. Socks was quite chuffed and raised his head up and smirked, Socks -style.

Crystal says it was Jasmine, who called. I have had no contact with Jasmine apart from a brief interlude at Crystal's bon voyage dinner end of May. I don't understand why she would call the police, making claims that I was distressed and suicidal today???

I feel that someone is acting maliciously, trying to get me moved out of my house into an assisted-living hostel. Pity for them, I am not that mentally ill. Bah bam. Epic fail. But of course now I have the heebie jeebies.

If my daughter Jasmine actually wanted to show she cares about me, as her mother, one would think she would like, um, call me first, and chat to me, and like duh, be normal, before dragging the police into my life. Far out. Sociopathic shit. What can I expect from her? Same old, same old. Meddlesome like her father was.

It is possible that it was not her, and Crystal is lying to me. I don't like being set up or lied to. That is suspicious and reprehensible and only feeds into my paranoia about possibly losing my home or my security (for what it is worth?!)

Shortly after I skype messaged Crystal, I got a call from Lyn's sister Annette saying she keeps getting Call back texts with my phone number. Today she had this happen 6 times. I assured her that I have not called or texted her today. I haven't in several months.

So I just reported this weird situation to Optus as for the past 6 months I have had various problems with my iPhone glitching or other issues. Two months ago, my iPhone was barred without my asking for it. Someone trying to 'silence' me.

I am starting to worry I have been hacked. I joked if they want my Identity, they can have it. But it is not cool that my friends are being harassed by texts I am not making.

Karen mentioned several months ago that I had been spamming her with texts to call me. I thought it was crazy as I hadn't called her at that time for several days. She thought I was fibbing that it wasn't me. So to find out that Annette has been receiving "callback" texts from me on a daily basis for months now, is quite alarming!

Anyway, to my Hackers or the Qld Govt or ASIO (how's that for paranoia? :-) ) I am absolutely no use to you as a sleeping cell or sleeping prophet. My dreams do not make sense, except occasionally to me.

I am not a terrorist. I do not do drugs apart from my usual medication. I am a lonely pathetic middle-aged woman who can't get a root (because most men I meet out actually turn me off with their crass manners and lack of social skills!)

I have no money or home of my own. My only asset is my car, my bed and my mother's left over china and shit I can't even sell. My other asset is my strength and determination to go out and have fun, in spite of the creeps I meet out there, there are some lovely people who I do enjoy dancing with.

I serve no purpose, apart from being a burden on the state for housing and my pension, except for my armchair activism signing petitions for causes dear to my heart, and writing little notes of outrage on forums to do with Child Sexual Abuse, which is one of the many ways I managed to acquire Complex PTSD at an early age.

I am dangerous only to myself. Or to the few bums that attack me for no reason and even then I have managed to not kill anyone...(what a shame that is...!)

I suspect for all my tough talk and fight I would probably make a lousy killer. Especially since I don't know how to shoot a gun and barely passed my introduction at Archery...which I found out I was bad at, as my vision is mixed.

I am right hand dominant but my left eye is dominant. So like a twat, I was trying to shoot with my right hand but to line up with the sights, I need to shoot lefthanded. lmao

So I gave up for that reason, and also the Belmont archery club wanted me to practise at fricking 8 am in the morning. Every morning, even though I am an afternoon/night person.

Some hobby as an ARCHER when I can't see properly, was bad at shooting the arrows and am not awake at the time they wanted me to practise. Also they wanted me to pay almost $400 in membership fees. As if. I don't even afford to pay shul fees. What a joke.

So no I will not be murdering anyone, not in the foreseeable future, if ever. Perhaps if there is an alien invasion, or a zombie apocalypse so I can fight to save the Free World but why bother? We are not Free.

We are products of globalisation with poisoned food and water. No, I am not a Doom and Gloomer. I am not preparing a bunker under my house with a tunnel to key positions with food and water stored to survive an nuclear attack…Even though that could possibly be a very good idea.

I am too busy trying to make sense of the devastation of my real life and cope with dickheads and pranksters, bogus friends and former wannabe useless lovers that faked friendship, to worry about any actual, you know, Apocalpse.

Yes I have been referred to lovingly by a drunk Englishmen I met once, as a modern day Boudiccea. Yes, I can be scary. Yes, I am a Warrior. But more in the sense of fighting for myself, and moral decency. More a spiritual war, which clearly I am losing, if the Reptilians have my Identity and have hacked Optus (JOKE!) that was a JOKE people. Gees.

Or....let's hope so. I did state on a Facebook forum somewhere that Tony Abbott is a slimey reptilian which lacked conscience or empathy for the poor, women, refugees and anyone really. So Dododoododododo enter the Twilight Zone. Maybe that budgie smuggler really is a REPTILIAN invader and now they are out to get me???? LMAO! NUTS!

Annette is picking me up tomorrow morning, to take me to Toowoomba for the day. I shall enjoy that very much. We are going to look at the flowers. The Carnival of Flowers is over but hopefully the blooms will remain.

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7.11 pm I had a lovely time in Toowoomba with Annette and Lyn's grandchildren. It was lovely to see them all grown up. The little boys were still at that cute stage. The flowers were lovely and we all enjoyed ourselves.

Now home safe. Content and grateful for the lovely day!

25 September 2014

12.45 am exhausted so in bed early, the gardening must have been too much as I have pinched nerve in my back now. Nothing a good sleep won't fix.

Soon I will reap the rewards of my labour. There will be roses!

Penny is purring next to me and licked my fingers. (Her version of a Kiss!). I am loved!

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In bed, with Miss Penny. Of course :-). Awaiting my dream state for inter-astral communication with cosmic entities. She is rubbing her face on my iphone, smiling and drooling. Lovely....? :-)

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I polished all my copper and brass outside.

Now at Palace Centro about to watch Wish you were here!

I deserve a treat after my hard work!

Big Thank You to Sally and BPJC for the ticket. I donated the spare one to another customer.

25 September 2013

Nice day. Had afternoon tea with Jarrod then dinner with Gail and Christina, then home to Paltalk and then watched TV.

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I'm enjoying a perfectly windless spring night. I got all my lanterns lit, sitting outside with a nice cup of tea, chatting on Paltalk, listening to the fountain tinkle and the very intrigued possums throwing themselves from tree to tree to tell me that they are here and don't like humans invading their space lol.

I feel really calm and content. Need to see the dentist about my tooth so in a bit of pain, and have a mad urge to go out, which I am quashing as it's Tuesday night and really I need to just sit and rest and enjoy my Sacred Space here.

I watered the front garden, cleaned the filter in the front pond, had to refill the back pond as it drained itself....grrrr but was lucky that the fish still had some water to stay alive in, so now it's lovely and clear and clean.

Life is good. I've been very anxious about money, (situation normal) but trying to settle myself. I slept til 7 pm today so been doing washing and stripped my bed. Getting sorted slowly.

25 September 2011

I am really tired today and the aching muscles in my shinbones which started hurting yesterday has not eased in the slightest. I spent about an hour weeding bindis out of my lawn in the afternoon, but did little after that, feeling sore and weary. Apart from that I had a nice day, and Gail visited me in the late afternoon and we had a nice chat.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons