Memories: 25 November 2023

25 November 2023

1:46 am Another awesome Friday night dancing with Ramjet at the Brooklyn Standard. Willlldnessss and that smooth southern gent Mr Jack Daniel’s! 🙂

The wild Indian miner is helping herself to Charley’s watermelon.

25 November 2022

Scathing hot day. But beautiful. No wind.

I am wearing the dress Crystal gave me last night, after performing in Macbeth. I am so proud of my daughter. So very proud.

Alter Egos are planning at the Livewire Bar at the Treasury Casino tonight. So you know where I will be dancing wildly tonight.

I may need a nanny nap beforehand as I am exhausted from the intense heat.

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1:11 pm travelling well. I bathed Bobo who was dirty and miserable with the heat. He usually abhors bathies but today he stood patiently with minimal snarling and let the water wash over him.

Then I carried him in the house so I could let him roll around like a crazy mutt over the floors to get his scent back. He kicked his legs in the air and did his mad scary snarling routine but I could tell he was happy. Happy and relieved. He’s now lying on the cool Linoleum in the kitchen.

I keep seeing elevens in recent weeks. I feel energy is ramping up for something really good and powerful. I stand on tippy toes on trepidation of the Mystery but I sense that all the intense healing and recalibrations of my spirit are bearing wondrous and unexpected fruits.

Yet to manifest the fiscal abundance that should be coming with all these years of hard work, and creativity but all good. There are bigger things at play. An entire planet to heal from the last viral debacle. A profound evil which I fought against from the very beginning.

So trust not in science or mass formationed evil glutted scientists who are wreaking havoc on our planet but as always…always the Wise Ones know…trust in the gods and your innate template. Your human soul who speaks to you loudly if you would only drown out the media whores and parasitical verminous shillers and the governMENTAL terrorists.

Turn off your tv or computer screen that seep with pustulant globalist verminous lies.

Step outside and scream “What’s going on?” And let Mother Nature sing deep into your cell membranes the only truth there is: Life. Yours. Keep it pristine and precious. Brook no fools. Allow no contamination.

Hold your carefully manifested existence for as long as you can and if you have to…fight for it: die on your feet. Sublime and brave and strong. Die on your own terms…not someone else’s greed or corporatocracy. But preferably live and keep living as joyously as you can.

Live your best life. Raise beautiful children who are also fearless in the face of great evil.

The waves will keep crashing against our formidable fortresses but ultimately…we will hold strong. Our hearts and blood and souls demand it.

25 November 2020

I think I have finished this case. Just have to...sigh....add the resin. I am almost afraid to fuck it up. I have put so much work into it.

Angela Denton: you’re so creative. I’m impressed!

Angela Denton I am mostly just tired, but have been pushing myself this year. Not sure why?! Perhaps the ever-present albatross of Death has led me to try to get more stuff done

Time is precious and life is short. Also it helps pass the time and takes my mind off the epic fucking Nazi monsters I find on fb. Just had a fight with an aboriginal Nazi!!! It just blows my mind how anyone who themselves comes from a marginalised culture can actually support Nazism.

But I come across them from time to time.

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My pride and joy doing beautiful Thriving!

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Yesterday the nurse from my doctor’s surgery rings me. She tells me that I do indeed have a bug in my bowels but my doctor says it usually resolves by itself. But if I wish to, I can make an appointment to get some antibiotics. I tell her I have constantly shat for three months and am utterly wrung out but it did improve for a week, only to be slammed again the past three days. But I can see it is “resolving” itself.

Oh and in true Tanya (and my former dead mother Gisela) fashion I managed with all that evacuating of my innards to actually Gain two kilos! Germanic fucking Survival mode!

The nurse glibly informs me that the surgery is closed on 18 December so I need to decide soon if I want to make an appointment.

I tell her I am more worried about my left ear which is making strange sounds like hearing a shell pressed up to my ear, when I lie down I can hear my own blood pressure. My doctor keeps telling me there is nothing wrong!

(I don’t trust her. I don’t trust anyone with my health anymore!) I feel betrayed and isolated and invalidated and left to die!) but the shitting will resolve itself and the ear? Can fuck off too. And perhaps it too will end soon. Or I shall die which is always a more salubrious option than fucking CHRISTMAS!!! (Breathes... little Tanya Tantrum over!)

It’s a new day. I woke up. Still breathing. Today is going to be a good day. I’m alive...ain’t I! Although my experiential shit-stained shit-for-brains Zombie Apocalyose is so draining.

Happy thoughts.

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Listening to “Fool me Twice” podcast on Spotify about Romance Scammers.

Really scary!

…

Today marks the anniversary of my paedophile stepfather’s death in 1995. It was also the same date he was kidnapped from his home in Ouderkerk Am Der Amstel by the Nazis and transported to Mittelbau-Dora in Nordhausen.

It was also his mother’s birthday.

A potent confluence of Time and Space.

I tried to avoid posting about him. He is not my biological father and harassed me sexually throughout my childhood and even into my early adulthood.

But his stain and the epic filthy betrayals of the rest of my family will not completely leave me.

It’s complicated. The family dynamic of trauma and sexual abuse. The ignoble European brainwashing about “duty” that saw me slavishly strive to gift them both a dignified death.

Only to endure the most putrid treachery that came after. My breakdown after Cees’s death (in hindsight perfectly natural after quashing down the child sexual abuse, emotional, financial and physical abuse all my life).

After his death, unholy terror was unleashed on me and my children, actively enabled by my mother and a few years later her new boyfriend, Buck Scherer.

Then after Gisela’s death in 2010, they whipped my hide and psyche again for another 2 and a half years.

Well...it’s all over now. I tried to slay the dybbukim by suiciding in 2015 but the Evil One I worshipped in that shule, vomited me back to Earth and again in 2019. Hahaha the Ein Sof and His precarious precocious expiala-fucking-docious Sense of humour. Sense of the Absurd. Sense of The Tanya who grew back from every Ground zero Thrown at her.

Little Tanya grown wise and still battling a preternatural supernatural sadness and still hungering for her one true Beloved: it’s a hobby!

What words of comfort can I gift myself?!

Only this: life goes on...until it doesn’t. Shit happens until one day even the germ inside you runs out of steam (doctors too blasé and lazy and uncaring to treat you like a decent human...victim blaming you as they fear your righteous hard boiled fury and your intention to live anyway. A defiance!

A defiance my psychiatrist admires and says is the ONLY reason I am still alive. Smirks. I had some lifeskills after all. Guts and determination and a few rare birds who valued me.

The broken one...is no longer broken but reconfigured. A mosaic. A prosaic glittering bedazzled eye-blinding light shed on my cracked worldview and my putrescent family of origin.

Gisela , Cees, Trevor, David, Angela failed to kill me.

I won....my life back. Let’s rejoice. Let’s dance. Let’s Thrive!

25 November 2019

3:50 am another sleepless night. Processing the magic and mystery and wondrous power that has so suddenly and unexpectedly become my life.

I am trying to figure out with my Conscious mind what has happened to me/for me/all around me. My body is energetically reconfiguring and recalibrating and renewing.

I must trust in my own Spirit. She knows. She knew all the time. But the shards are off now. Incredible.

I am so happy. No longer playing small or diminishing my own light in fear that people will reject or harm me. The right people love me in all my Blossoming and would never hurt me.

I had the song Iris stuck in my head two days ago. Sure enough he showed up. No accidents in the multiverses.

“.... and it feels like forever to touch you for I know that you feel me somehow, you’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be and I don’t want to go home right now!” And my spirit almost did return to the eternal home. Twice in the past few years.

Even stalked and harassed by that son of a bitch dead homeopath in June 2016. Another man who would not let go of my immense powerful and pure Love without a fight for the last glimpse of my light as he slipped between paradigms. It was terrifying. But I sent him to the Light. His energy transmuted as really, he had only harmed me in life.

But now I see the pattern repeating with Dave. Still obsessed with me, even in the company of his girlfriend who must be some kind of sicko to countenance his epic stoic attachment to me.

When I said I release him I observed him kind of quiver with some kind of angst. These men want it all...The Tanya’s immutable eternal powerful Love and their little fuck muppets. Almost laughable. But I will forgive.

He knew not what he sought to destroy when he played his sadistic little games and I am well satisfied now. Real authentic Love is Mine and even now...I know what it has cost me. So dearly.

But....Psy sighs. The gods have my back. They would not let me leave this life and have shaped me and showed me true hearts and minds.

For what outcome? I know not. Perhaps my life shall be a great and most Beloved blessing after all. With or without the man I chose by heart, by light and a certain Midewinn’s Trickster Spirit. Hahaha.

….

Today is Cees’s “Yahrzeit”. Fuck you Cees. You drew that other weak watery Piscean who shares your birthday to me yesterday.

But it’s okay. He hears my Soul’s Command. Not necessarily consciously. I have felt him since Thursday.

That is the power of our spiritual connection, if not his Love. Still trawling trophy women in my face. Dickhead.

I wonder...what is next to appear in my life. Waiting for Godot... no wonder this little burning Aries Phoenix cleaved to that watery aloof cold vapid lover man. But alas, he is still playing his Shadow.

But yes, I witness he is finally finally doing his healing work as I adjured him to do, months ago. Good lad. There is hope for you yet...WIGLET!

Smiles.

…

Shhhh....can you hear them? There’s angels in the architecture, spinning in Infinity...and We say.....HALLELUJAH. I left pieces of my soul in the rape den of treachery and dishonour that is/was Irish Murphy’s. I am sure they Feel me still in my former “spot” near the door. Lmao!!!

I have cast my soul fragments into my spot at the Livewire Bar too, high up in the architecture that reminds me and my American friend Richie so much of “New Orleans, Baby”.

We scream our energy joyously, practising our freedom and delight. Only those who truly value, cherish and adore us comprehend our warrior god and goddess triumphant Survival Glee.

With offers of libations they honour my Spirit. But Papa Legba has sauntered off somewhere in the cosmos and this little daughter of the gods has been blessed with Lilith now.

The divine feminine in all her luscious lurid Uprising. Love in all worlds, paradigms and dimensions, comes to me/for me and I am effulgent with her light and joy and gracious gifts of peace and favour.

I have been Seen and Heard by Beings who find me Worthy. Even as my heart aches for the one I love... I cast my love to the blue summer sky...fearlessly flawlessly keenly aware that my Love, my real and precious, faithful and deeply reverent Love will come back to me. In the eternal Now that is a little asthmatic Mama T’s last and infinite wheeze, if you please!

Move along Motherfuckerssss, those false ones that sought to destroy me. You had not the spiritual team or soul work or walk. Better men and women than you heard my primal Scream and lover’s yearning into the eternal Dreaming.

And so they come...brittle and broken to study the Kinstugied One and share my load and life force for a while.

Light up! Lift up! Man/Woman up! Fill your cups with Love and let it flow where it might go. Freely. Without artifice or cowardice.

Come as you are. As a friend. As I hope you might be. A Curtsy from One who knew the fragile fickle nature of humans and their capricious deceptions.

Love Is The Law. Honour it. Keep it precious. Love me. Love you. Love your gods and love the great and powerful majestic Miracle that is LIFE.

I have spoken!

…

So I go to see my doctor for scripts. She says my blood pressure is high and notes my mood is “elevated”. By that she means hypomanic. I tell her I am merely triggered after recent life calibrating events.

That although I still see my psychiatrist two weekly as I am a suicide risk that I have actually been happier than ever before in the past few years of my life and it has been hard to adjust to my new “normal” after decades of depression and complex ptsd.

I told her I even suggested to my psychiatrist that I no longer need therapy but it’s still early days yet and I will allow him in his professional capacity to be the judge of that.

She suggests I see a gynaecologist down the track. She is not willing to examine my vagina which I find a tad alarming! But yes I am content to leave that to a properly accredited expert if it becomes a concern.

Menopause is a bitching itching glitching Matrix of hellish heathenish proportions but I will endure and ride through this last storm. As I have ridden through every other capricious bullshit in this life and body.

I also gifted her with a red rose from my garden as a Thank you as I told her I know how difficult a patient I have been and how hard it has been for all my healers. I bless her with the red rose and tell her that I pray she finds a true and beautiful Love and that is a prayer for me also, as we all deserve that much in life, as women!

She is touched. Possibly she will never forget me. Hohum!

25 November 2018

Don’t worry about my cousins...they got plenty of Mana!

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Sitting outside having precious Tanya Time with Charlie (Who has not seen much of me for 2 days) and Beauregard. It was hot and sunny but now we have a storm blowing through. Nice! My kinda weather!

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4:46 am unable to sleep. So exhausted. Mustang Kwe pushed herself too hard.

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3:31 am. Home safe after another epic night. Omg. What fun!

I stopped to have a chat with Morris outside That pub and he had to help me get up off the ground as all my joints seized up. Lol. I am too old to be out dancing every weekend.

Never mind. I can seize the day another night...next weekend!

Much love from Sacred Space. The Tanya is in recovery mode.

25 November 2017

Watching “Real Vikings” on sbs tv. Fascinating!

25 November 2016

Weird morning. Lawn mower man comes. (He triggers me. He is like a bouncing Labrador Aussie larrikin.). Asks me for a branch of my bamboo. I said he could take some. I tell him I am in stage 5 of a current nervous breakdown.

He tells me he knows about this stuff. I need to get to water, the sea, have a wash, get rid of static. I laugh. Going to Byron on Sunday. He tells me I need to be like the pond that a stone is thrown into, let it ripple without reaction. Be still. (Um yeah). Meditate more.

Do I know how to meditate? (yeah but I don't do it the traditional way). He tells me I need to be grateful for my house and garden, my sanctuary. No more threats of running away to a new life in Byron where I won't get stability and be even worse off financially.

I tell him my home here has become a trap. I am stuck in limbo. I need to move forward. He says yeah you been stubbing your toe on the same stone a long time. I nod. I tell him not anymore.

He tells me to be more patient and compassionate. You don't know what burdens people carry, the things they keep back from you.

(I do know. I know when I have been manipulated, lied to, kept in a glass cage like a prized exhibit, loved from across a room but not in person. Like a China doll behind Perspex, clawing my way out, losing my mind). But I too, hold back.

Instead I say "Clarry! I have been doing this shit for 51 years. It is never going to be normal. I am tired".

He says "What is normal to you?"

I answer "Peace Love and happiness".

He says "You expect that, to be normal? In this world? This year is turbulent. It is full of endings and closures. Everyone is freaking out, even non-spiritual people."

I nod. Mind you last year was worst for me. Much much worse. But The Tanya has always been the gasping canary down the mine shaft.

He hints at going to see Jewel and Don Henley at Sirromet. I tell him I would love to see them. But I am recovering from ending a 3 year attachment. A man I love very much even if he never really gave a shit about me. Teased me along for 3 years, tried to dominate me. I yell. "I will not be fucking dominated".

Clarry says "yes you are strong. Everyone alive now has had to be strong. Some more so than others." He reminds me to breathe. I smile. Yeah breathing is a long habit.

"You don't always do that so well either".

"Yeah Asthma."

He says "asthma can be cured too". I nod. Thank him for his pep talk. Send him on his way.

Little flirt asks me about my raspberry canes. I said they are to stop men from rolling over my fence like my ex used to do. Plenty of gates but he had a compulsion to roll over my fence. Argggh! So now no one dares roll over my fence.

Clarry the brat says "Tanya if I wanted to leap your fence nothing would stop me!" I laugh "yeah? What about the prickles in your bum?!"

"I would wear gloves and leap higher". Holy Moses. Smartarse.

I laugh "Righto, have a good day."

Men! Far the fuck out. Well his spiritual wisdom was correct. I can't leave my home here, so I do have to change my headspace. Byron for spiritual healing and tender mercies. Dancing for frenetic purging of rage. House and garden for sanctuary. I must be grateful.

25 November 2014

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Rainnnnn! Woot! That will cool the atmosphere!

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5.40 am. Time to sleep! I had a lovely night on Paltalk and then watched an Italian film on SBS on Demand. "escort in love" very cute movie, not at all what I expected...:-)

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1.11am. There goes the 11 again lol

I have had a lovely long chat with Jarrod. He really calms me down! It took me hours to tell him all the stuff that happened. He is amazing! Stuff has been a struggle for him too.

So we will go to Byron Bay (I need to find my togs!) with Crystal and we will all have a wonderful day, chilling in my ZenZone in the sea and breathing the air and walking the land where the Rainbow Serpent's tail resides. (Leylines people..sacred gateways to Holiness to cleanse our tired bedraggled souls!)

Psy sighs of Bliss in anticipation!

25 November 2011

Horrible day with Will Dispute! Horrible! Thanks to Phil, Gail, Jarrod and Lyn for "talking me down" and letting me cry and vent my feelings! I'm still holding on for a better Life but not sure how much longer I can hold? More of my life as I know it...nothing new under the Sun!

(From comment section:)

My rotten evil cowardly callow half sister has abdicated her role to fight for her share of her inheritance and wrote a loathsome letter to my solicitor accusing me of ripping her off and demanded I meet my moral obligation to give her her share of whatever I win but saved herself the $25K and the emotional trauma of standing up and being counted and coming to the Mediation on 9 Dec leaving me with all the pain and suffering and the chance of losing.

She has in effect, yet again sided with the abusers, lied about me again to my own lawyer and Barrister which I know they will see through as I have always advocated that she gets a share but when the real fight is on, she crawls into her smug self-satisfied hole and leaves me with it then dares to attack me for wanting more money (when I have never had any)) and questions my right to do so!

The Scherers also want to come to my home and remove all Mum's chattels or charge me $75000 for it and deduct this from my share. So I am sickened by all 3 evil Hags beyond belief and see now I can never win against such evil and my sister's betrayal of me was another kick to the guts.

So I was grief stricken and suicidal a bit last night but thanks to my patient and loving friends I got myself through for another day!

I am blessed to be loved in this life by real pple which goes some way to compensate for my past family all vacuous evil conniving Paedophiles and their enablers who have spent decades since my very birth trying to kill me off.

I will never come to terms with why I was given this family or this life but I can take pride that up to now I have survived them. It just gets harder and harder to withstand their ugliness and to keep choosing Life when against all odds these people have constantly striven to deny me of everything, including my right to exist and be happy! Lucky I came into this life with an abundance of courage and value Life in spite of my background or I would not be here, still fighting to move forward.

I am only hoping to see more good times as I have started to experience and put this dark evil senseless rubbish to bed or bury it once and for all so I can find peace and happiness in the last part of my life. I deserve that much!

…

Now taking Prednisone as my asthma is bad. Not getting better and Gail was concerned I am damaging my lungs or heart from the constant coughing. That with the emotional meltdown I had last night and barely 6 hours sleep so I feel like Death this morning.

Another day to drag my sorry arse through. So lucky I have the garden to remind me of the flowering of my age, the fecundity I inspired, and the circle of Life to keep me grounded in reality and to try to block out the rot of my biological and step sisters.

Jarrod Nielsen: About bloody time. So glad Gail could make you see the sense of going to the quack where I was unable...

Me: Jarrod I didn't go to the quack. I had the Prednisone here the whole time but kept hoping, as my voice came back that I was getting better. Gail took me in hand yesterday as I am so ill and insisted I start taking them!

Personally I hate the stuff but couldn't stand the coughing, lack of vitality and oxygen or the sleep deprivation any more, so I gave in to both yours and Gail's sensible healing advice. Also I worry about taking a stroke with the latest breakdown so decided to take better care of myself.

Sally Castle: Tanya, please do take care of yourself. There are plenty of roses to smell in life, despite the crap that gets dished out to good people like you. As for me, I have decided to do a re-evaluation and reset of the scale of importance of certain things.

Me: Yes my dear we have to K.I.S.S. Keep it simple Silly! With my long standing health issues I have had to accept a lot less financially in return for living a simpler life. Stress is a killer and in your case also with your heart probs you will have to try to minimize stress and avoid overdoing things.

The alternative is pain and discomfort and misery. At our age we deserve comfort and contentment but we have to live with, accept and deal with our health issues which is a huge transformation for you Sally as I know you have been so fit and sporty.

But you will work it through with the doctors and I'm sure you'll be back playing Hockey in no time at all. Meanwhile rest rest rest and be selfish for a while for healing!

I have to go to Dr on Tues when I get paid as I am still very ill so I need to deal with my asthma more aggressively as it has been too long!

We both have to look after ourselves better! LOL!

Love Tanya

25 November 2010

I'm missing Courtenay so much and I'll never understand why after 5 years he so suddenly ditched me and uses his friends as an excuse. We were the happiest we'd ever been, or so I thought, and then Bam! It's been 10 weeks and I'm really suffering now, cos I've finally realised he really never loved me, how could he if he chose his abusive, violent, trashy friends over me?

The worst thing is I can't just detach cos I loved him a lot in spite of all our issues, I really loved him. (This makes me feel so terrible as all that time I spent with him, I should have spent loving myself and staying strong and independent.)

I think after 5 years I deserve to be told the truth about why he really left me, not the infantile ridiculous excuses he made to me. I'm so angry/vexed/traumatised/distressed I could just die....but I'm worth so much more than that.

(From comment section):

Bobby: hey tanya chin up sometime in life everyone goes through the same shit and its bad but you keep going girl and if you have to you find someone new who will care

Me: Thanks Bobby. It's just not been my lifepattern to have happy, genuine relationships with men. I have really tried very hard, especially with Courtenay as he was a Prince compared to the other abusers.

I now understand that I am not meant to be in relationship with men, other than pure friendship. It just has never worked out for me. I'm a wonderful person and I do deserve 'true love' whatever that is, but I can't keep giving and giving and loving and loving when there is so little coming back.

Now I have to go back to where I was for the 4 years before I gave Courtenay a chance to have a relationship with me. Alone, occasionally lonely, but safe, kept quiet and will halve my stress levels by only having to worry about my own survival, cares and worries, instead of trying to be everything to a man and then trying to be everything to myself.

I just can't sacrifice myself to the cause for the sake of being "in relationship". I've never had a man ever, not even my husband or father, genuinely love and support or care for me, so why expect something better now?

Although I'm truly upset, frustrated at my attempts to be loved, (insanity is making the same mistake over and over again and expecting different results!) I realise I am far better off without turning myself and everything I believe in, and stand for inside out and upside down for a man who at the end of the day, doesn't love me, support me, respect me or even choose me as a priority in his life.

Believe me I have done this scene 4 times before and at the end of all my efforts, I have been left feeling abused, traumatised and just like shit. I’m over it!

Every day in every way, I will strive to make myself happy, safe and at peace. That's been my lifetime goal and when I've chosen unsupportive relationships, I have actually deviated from that goal to fulfill some fucked up tape put in my head as a child that I do not deserve genuine love, and now I really really wouldn't know what that is, if I fell over it in the street.

But Thank You for the kind words of support Bobby. It's a nice fantasy that I'll find a man to truly love me one day. Lucky I know it's pure fantasy and can move past that.

“Auntie” Sylvia Shine: tanya tanya tanya, stopit, face the world, you alone know your worth, so accept it for what it is. sod all those, who hurt you, they will get theirs, one day, you will find a genuine soul, dont feel sorry for yourself, it affects anyone close, so chin up, get on with life, I understand, where you are from, and feel for you, god bless, you crazy mixed up YID, lovest ye, thank god,my computer, could write to you. sylvia x x x x x x

Me: Hi my darling English Rose, my Sylvia. It's all good! I love being a crazy mixed up Yid, I've earned my tzores, hairshirt, browbeating, PTSD and fucked up love affairs in abundance.

It's why the Australian Govt, Aussie Aussie Oy Veh Oy Veh pays $300 per hour for my 3 weekly sessions. Government taxes pay for my therapy for abuses perpetrated by the System's inability and refusal to protect my interests, as a child, and as an adult woman.

If these issues had been addressed, oh Decades ago, just think how many thousands of dollars could have been saved on pensions and counselling and medications for survivors like me?

But then all those thousands, millions of dollars would have been expended on some shitty war or blown out of the arsehole of some Greedy Wall Street Geek who contributed to our current Depression which they have the Chutzpah to downplay and sanitize once again (Can no one of the X,Y or Z generation take responsibility for their own failures and gross inactions and reckless abandonment of moral/ethical/legal rights of others?????) and stupidly call it the Global Financial Crisis.

What a crock! So this little Meshuggeneh, says, thank you to those who actually have a social conscience and the ability to acknowledge the many levels of abuse perpetrated on me and who actively support me financially and emotionally!

BTW my lawyer bailed on me. Actually quit on me at the 11th hour of a deadline to put an Affadavit in the Qld Courts. (This is not the first time I have been royally shafted by the Legal System and the State!!!)

But it's ok, now I have a new lawyer who I hope and pray will fight for me even harder, as he seems to have an appreciation of how horribly the last firm has let me down. So the Battle for Human Justice continues in the continuing sage of The Tanya.

I love you too Sylvia. I am blessed to know you and you were one of the very few adults in my life who saw what I went through and told me how it was. That visit in Melbourne, when I last saw you 11 or so years ago was very cathartic.

So few people have had the courage to tell me they knew what I suffered and had even made the slightest effort to prevent it continuing. So many others, scapegoated me the child, blamed the victim and continued until recent times to demonise me. So Screw them!

I don't feel sorry for myself. I didn't deserve these abusers in my life but right now I am just angry beyond words that for once, I made the fight of my life to get some sort of Natural Justice and even that has been ripped away from me.

Well it's not over yet, so I will continue to fight, but one does wonder.....to what end? Only Hashem knows, and frankly I'm not on speaking terms with him/her/it right now.

Glad you are back online. Feel free to call me anytime. These Homeric Tomes don't really express enough emotion and it would be good to chat in person.

Hugs, Tanya

”Auntie” Sylvia:

tanya, i truly feel for you,,yes all those years ago, I kept telling your mother, how can you take off, leaving your little girl, in the hands, of the vultures out there, you know your crazy,t made me? i have seen so much of it in my life, it nearly happened to me, several times, but my mother, persistantly, warned me, of the dangers. i watched my kids, with my life. anyway tanya, tomorrw is another day, the day,you will start again, if you win the case,good, if not, you gave them a run for the money, they wont enjoy it, you'l seeNEW START EH?

Me: HELL YEAH, Sylvia. My parents neglected, failed, abused and abandoned me in so many many ways, but they never broke my spirit and please G-d noone ever will.

I was born to fight and that was the only valuable thing my parents ever taught me, how to fight and how to survive. So when I write my maudlin depressive giving-up stuff on Facebook and when I feel I can't go on a second longer… I remember who I am and what I am and how very very difficult it has been to be ME and I take a few 'happy pills' each day, breathe a few more breaths and bloody keep fighting.

I do hope I win the case but if I LOSE, it will be the Will of G-D and I will at least have the satisfaction of knowing I did my utmost to finally and for once get some Natural Justice.

Sylvia, every day when I open my eyes to my newly created world (kabbalistic theory!) I embrace each New Start! Each day is an opportunity to improve, heal, win out against so many variables that I was born with.

Life is for the Living, and those strong enough to keep living it. Each living thing on this living planet is a living miracle. That is enough to give me the hope to go on. Love ya Sylvia and thanks for the understanding, compassion, and love and support. xxxxx

Sylvia: go love, god bless x x x x x x x x

25 November 2009

Honey...I'm home!!!!

Sylvia Shine: tanya, hope all is well healthwise,Have tou tried any more on bottom of the kosher xmasvideos? theres some good ones there x x x x x Sylvia

Me: Hi Sylvia, still waiting on results of Biopsies etc but otherwise all is good. Was very tired today as I moved Crystal's household from Toowoomba to Loganlea and it was a very long day.

Crystal is still bringing smaller stuff back by car over the next few days then she will start contacting Agents and try to kickstart her career once she is settled back in Brisbane. Exciting times! Will check out the other videos. Hugs and kisses, Tanya.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons