Memories: 22 October 2023

22 October 2023

Clean up on aisle 1. But I haven’t cast a ring for a long while. So I am very happy with this success. On my first attempt.

Loving the newish casting mould I bought from Kirralea Caynes who imports them from DIY castings in the US. It works much much better and I am thrilled with it. I have been waiting for this opportunity to use it! Today was the day! Carpe Diem!

Now I just need to clean up the excess and polish it.

I am still wanting to practise casting stones in place so I am wanting to buy some raw sapphires, rubies or spinel or even some diamonds. But baby steps…I have a long way to go on this journey.

Things either flow easily to me, or not at all. Always swings and roundabouts in psychedelic dreamer’s world. But patience, persistence and determination are my strength! 🙂

Still polishing but I managed to get the sprue off and sand it back to this stage with my file.

22 October 2022

11:11 pm no dancing tonight. Too tired.

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I just finished these lily earrings. They took me all day! But I think they are lovely so they are worth my effort. #titaniasrealm #sterlingsilverwithgarnetandpearlbeads #handmade #upcycledjewellery #magickhappens #loveisthelaw

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I didn’t go dancing last night as I was utterly exhausted. I might try to go out tonight instead.

I slept from 11 pm until 10:15 am. My first long sleep in weeks. Much needed. I still feel a bit drowsy.

I got up and went into my studio to work on my latest creations. I decided to turn the sterling silver ones into lilies so worked at forming them. Then I made some balled sterling silver posts and shepherds hooks. That took up most of my morning.

I am now visiting with Miss Koko as I promised her humans that I would check in on her to break up her day of solitude while they were out today.

So we are snuggling together. I wish someone would do the same for me and Beauregard when I go to the markets once a month. I hate having to leave him alone for 9 hours. Not fair on him. But I can’t take him with me to the markets as he snarls at other dogs.

Last month I made no sales so all that work and I was out of pocket for the rent as well. I hope I do better next month. I fear that the whole venture is a waste of my time, money and energy. But I can only try and hope for the best.

Crystal visited for fifteen minutes. She had bought me a little pot of thyme.

I showed her my latest bead and she suggested I drill a larger hole and turn it into a hair bead. Hmmm.

I have enough hair beads but this one is pretty!

22 October 2020

11:11 pm my angels say “it’s been a beautiful few weeks. But no worries...lots more good stuff to come! Love you!!!”

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This afternoon, feeling giddy and exhausted after sanding back my marble table all day...I took The Beau for his usual promenade around the block. As is my usual habit I stopped to say Hello to Miss Koko at Pete and Robyn’s house.

Pete comes out to tell me that I am late and did I have a note? I laughed and said “I am late but I have a life you know, so no notes required!”

Robyn comes out for a chat and tells me that Pete’s Mum Ailsa referred to me as “The Naked Lady” that visited yesterday. I stopped in thought for a moment. Naked??? Naked??? Oh my.

Then I laughed. “Oh yes I get it. She is 90 and I run around with bare arms and bare legs and in her day everyone wore hats, gloves, and stockings even in the intense summer heat! Well buggar that!”

Pete comes out and says “Don’t worry, you are only a half-naked lady!” He says “My mother was very judgemental in her day. It’s a hard habit to break!” I said “Oh I thought she likes me!” He replied “Oh she does!” I thought it was very funny.

I might get a tattoo of a naked lady so I can live up to my persona. Perhaps Lady Godiva as I like horses too. Although I prefer my horses to be naked (bareback!) too.

Robyn offered to walk with me with little Koko and Bobo. She asked me if I was Cold, all bare armed as I was? I said “No, I have menopause… I am a constant river of fire and fury!” She replied that the hot flushes never fully go away. Oh dear.

We walked back to my place and opened the gates and brought the dogs in and Koko and Bobo had a happy little romp around my garden. We gave them a ball and a rope toy to play with. They had a blast.

Then Robyn returned home for dinner. It was a lovely afternoon. Naked and all!

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Haha Annie videocalled me all the way from Sunny Wales. I introduced her to Beauregard and all the little bastard would do was growl at her!

He’s not good with iPhone screens, welsh paparazzi or technology.

Annie was lovely to him and kept telling him he is a beautiful boy. His snarling toned down slightly. It was hilarious.

Shelley: Probably snarl at me to if I was to video call ya lol

Me: Yes it’s not personal. I think he finds the discarnate voices and one-dimensional video a bit frightening!

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Yayyy finished sanding down the marble. Now just have to wait for the money to buy resin then I can finish off both tables! Woot!

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1:16 am Laila Tov/Good night/Bon Nuit/Guten Nacht. Time to roll my eyes right back in my over-exerted head and dream Yet another Dream.

22 October 2019

Trigger warning: skin hunger, suicide.

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Yesterday I was in a conference call with a group of survivors. The mentor of the group spoke about loving our narcissists even more. Loving the psychopath. The broken ones.

I don’t agree with that. I told her clearly and succinctly that I don’t agree. Having been raised by narcopaths and their enablers and having had relationships with similar dangerous men I know you cannot simply love them to goodness and wholeness.

But we also spoke of skin hunger. Lack of connection and the innate desire of every human to be touched and seen and felt and heard. My mother also used the term “skin hunger” in old age.

She yearned for connection and mostly sex and touch and hooked up with a conman after my last predatorial de facto stepfather’s death as she had to have a man at any cost. Even, until the end of her life, marrying yet another abuser so she could destroy her own daughters.

Skin hunger. Yeah. I have it too. I am hungry for love and success and belonging. To the point I put myself out in public spheres searching for love in all the wrong places. (Is there ever a right place? I did not find safe love in synagogues or other sacred spaces either!)

I found a love. A big love that was yet again turned into a monstrousity. The guy I chose kept kissing women in front of me and long after he cut contact with me, he still stalks me, bringing lovers or play partners with him.

But my mentor thinks we can love the narcissist even more and that will create a safer society.

I loved him. As I had loved my own vicious mother enough to go back to assist her in her last year and a half. A woman who had viciously slandered me as evidenced when the will came out after her death.

I loved goodness back into these people and goodness seeped out of me. I tried to kill myself in 2015 partly because I realised that I had lived my life giving my very soul over to people so cruel and callow that I had nothing left. Nothing.

Nothing but endless poverty and illness. It was not an act of depression. It was an act of resistance to all the bullying, oppression and coldness that led up to that “event”. I have resisted. And been cast back to earth.

But a hug saved this man’s life and the lives of children this day. A hug. A sacred gifting of heart and soul. A tiny demarcation between love and hate, life and death.

You know, when I had my recent surgery I almost died again. If not for the determined brave nurses who came running every time my thumb monitor betrayed me as my breath drifted off to oblivion: I would have died.

It would have been a mercy as in recent weeks I have lost so much. But my heart goes on, beating its zombie rhythm to a soul so pure and so full of love and light that pushes through the darkness and despair and sees through the bullshit that at times I must verily look like a Damnèd Fool.

My loves. Love your Narcissist. As I have done to my own detriment a million times and more. Love the one that humiliates you and debases you then comes to watch your Fall with a gloating smug look and hatred of eons.

Keep loving them until you die, broken and beaten, raped and debased.

This is a battle not of might versus right but of Soul. I don’t know about you...but my soul is tired even as it is eternal.

But I love you. My abusers as well as my rare and precious protectors/mentors/providers.

We are trapped in the circle of life, spinning in infinity, swirling light from our darkness, living, loving and falling, and climbing up that Jacob’s ladder to holiness and often failing as the steps give way beneath our feet.

I see why I will never thrive or be successful. I refuse. I am a refusenik! I refuse to live a lie or transcend the morass by loving it more.

The lie that love is enough to keep you safe and to edify you. I believed it too. Wanted so much to believe it.

I poured myself into other people and I grew up. Grew old. Alone. Ultimately we come into earth alone and we leave it alone.

The stages of life set before us like a play. In several Acts. My third Act - when I am most vulnerable as I am aging, alone and often unwell, in poverty is going to be terrifyingly absurdist like all the other Acts of my life when I strove to be a part of human existence.

No idea how that will end up but I know this: I will be in love with my Self who was never loved or protected. I will be in love with the world that deserves so much more than this fetid selfish human society. I will be in love with the gods. Love will smite me and bite me and kick me but I will hold its ideal precious like the brainwashed dumb fuck I am. Cos I can. It won’t be enough to change my life or the world but it is all that I am.

22 October 2018

22 October 2017

I took Beauregard and Charlie for a short walk to the dog park. But I have a pinched nerve in my lower back since Friday night's dancing so it was a slow process.

Then Beau was snarling at much larger dogs through the fence and one big bull mastiff was rather too keen on trying to leap the fence to get Charlie. So we left.

I had a good nap this arvo as I spiralled under in a weird depression/grief. But got out of bed (which was warm and comforting against my sore back) and took the walk.

Now home again. I think I will make something to eat. A chocolate mug cake might be nice!

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If only I could wave a Magic wand and give myself the gift of real enduring love, financial success, freedom from memories of abuse and so much more negative draining crap that was the result of all that.

If only I lived in a world that was Safe, respectful of boundaries, authentically beautiful.

If only I could just die and wake up in another kind of life. Well I guess that has sorta happened. But it's a long slow process to gaining back or yet discovering all the parts of myself that are beautiful and wealthy and healthy and loved.

You know, someone shared some guy's seminar yesterday. Claiming he made $20 million by opening himself up to his dark side and being successful fiscally.

His blog blamed people like me for never making it as negative, mouth-breathing, useless victims. That is how we are seen. That is how we are made to look, like utter rejects and failures.

Sickening. Apparently it is my fault. This life I am dragging around by the very animal trap on my ankles.

I think I would like to kill that person who is selling his seminar so he can inseminate himself with more millions off the back of vulnerable naïve people who he makes feel dirty and ashamed for not being able to rise above their trauma and subsequent poverty.

He is evil. I truly believe that people who demonise trauma survivors for failing to arrive/thrive or derive a huge income off the backs of others are the most putrid, ghastly demonic forces of our time.

I lost some very close friends this year. Richer, better, more powerful friends. They wanted me to suffer for my burden of abuse that was cast upon me. I refuse to suffer. I suffered enough.

Instead of suffering I will go down to Valhalla in a blazing glorious battle. This life has no merit or honour.

$20 million means nothing if you are a putrid money-grubbing soul-betrayer. Shove it up your arse!

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Feeling restless. I wanted to go to the art show at West End but don't have the $10 entry fee. So that is horrid.

I have finally showered and washed my hair, dressed for the day and now just feel blah and achy in my joints. Another shift coming in the weather I feel.

Anyhow I will force myself to take the gorgeous Beauregard and the sparkling Charlie for a walk later. We shall enjoy the day, regardless.

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Good Morning. The sun is shining today. It feels good after the nice long rain. Everything needs to be in moderation! Alas the weather gods are prone to excess.

22 October 2016

5.44 am. Home from a great night dancing. Sore feet sore bones but grateful and happy for a lovely time. Now in a hot bath. Soon to bed with my Beau who is happy to have his Mama home. I have let him out to pish and let the hens out.

George the busker gave me some money to drive him home to Paddington so that was cool. But glad to be home, eating cheesecake for breakfast, with a nice hot cup of tea.

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The regular casino dancing women have lost our "parking privileges". They let us park for free from 10-4 am on Friday and Saturday nights. But now they insist we have to gamble enough to cover parking or eat at the restaurants.

Fuck dat shit! I have danced there every weekend for 5 years now. All night long. They know I rarely gamble. I simply can't afford to throw $50 in a pokie machine to earn my parking. I didn't lie. Told them straight. Change of cards meant change of staff and change of management, no doubt.

I don't expect a free ride but I have given so much of my time and energy to that institution. They know I can't afford to gamble but I do mostly buy my own drinks.

The woman at the counter said she would waive it for last night but in future I have to pay or gamble.

Hohum! That was my one little benefit of giving so much of myself away on that dance floor. They seriously know how to drive the regulars away. We are a big part of the vibe in that place. The regular dancers all give so generously by supporting the band. We ham up. We rock out. We whoop. We sing along.

Like unpaid courtesans we glam up each weekend and dance and dance and lascivious often creepy men leer or try to grab us (security favours the men as I have experienced many times.)But yes we have a broke but symbiotic relationship.

Without the sexy audacious delicious women dancing wildly every.single.weekend, who is going to come and leer and buy drinks all night? I think the Treasury could afford to let a small group (about 8 of us) have the respect and courtesy of free parking. We don't abuse the privilege. We leave at 4 am. Usually.

Anyway, if I choose to keep going there I will have to park on the streets again or only go when I have a spare $10 for Myer centre parking. I don't care. Walked those streets in utter exhaustion for 4 years, fending off drunks as I went.

I even had an epic Viking chair fight one night as I was eating at a local kebab shop and some filthy drunken lout harassed my friend then kept calling me a cunt when I told him to leave her alone. Ahhh Ze glory days.

It was nice to have free parking so I could hobble straight down to my car and home without dealing with the ugliness at 3 or 4 am in the streets.

Fuck them. Bastards.

But I have been getting bored with the horrible house/techno music they play anyway (which at least they didn't ruin my night completely by playing it last night).

Anyway, the times are a-changing. There are other venues. I am so tired anyway. Time to hang up my dancing shoes and live quietly.

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22 October 2015

5.44 am. Home from a great night dancing. Sore feet, sore bones but grateful and happy for a lovely time. Now in a hot bath. Soon to bed with my Beau who is happy to have his Mama home. I have let him out to pish and let the hens out.

George the busker gave me some money to drive him home to Paddington so that was cool. But glad to be home, eating cheesecake for breakfast, with a nice hot cup of tea.

22 October 2013

Slightly better with packed tooth and stronger painkillers from hospital.

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I went back to QE 2 dentist. Turns out I was still in so much pain due to a dry socket. He packed it with some stuff and I go back for my appt on Friday.

So sick of being sick and my shitty life. Nothing to do but rest and wait for a corner to be turned. Even my ear hurts. Grrr.

Marianne: I get dry sockets, yes its agony..am glad u went back

Me: Yes Marianne, I couldn't take the pain anymore. Felt like throwing myself off a roof so decided to see if the dentist could do something.

Came home and literally fell into bed and slept the entire afternoon. Now starving hungry and thirsty cos I didn't eat or drink today.

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Exhausted, in pain but now eating ice cream and watching Vikings.

22 October 2014

My shower head has been dripping water all day. I will have to call Housing to send a plumber around.

I was looking forward to a quiet restful day without any appointments or disturbances.

C'est la Vie!

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Jarrod visited and brought my new fish. He is beautiful. We had a nice afternoon tea and a stroll around my garden.

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Update 2023: Denial was a river. The resin went tacky so I lost my entire decoupage project. Still upsets me to this day! All that work!

22 October 2013

I went back to QE 2 dentist. Turns out I was still in so much pain due to a dry socket. He packed it with some stuff and I go back for my appt on Friday.

So sick of being sick and my shitty life. Nothing to do but rest and wait for a corner to be turned. Even my ear hurts. Grrr.

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Slightly better with packed tooth and stronger painkillers from hospital.

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Exhausted, in pain but now eating ice cream and watching Vikings.

22 October 2010

Shabbat Shalom Y'all, it's late here, I'm exhausted from sorting legal issues all day. Off to have a blessed rest and looking forward to going out tomorrow night!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons