Memories: 21 November 2023

21 November 2023

21 November 2022

21 November 2021

21 November 2020

Socks fought me every inch of the way as I carried him here and whilst holding him, set up the hammock. Now he is lying in the hollow underneath me in a state of contentment. He has not been outside much in recent weeks and today is a good day for snoozing between worlds.

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11:11 pm synchronicity from the Angels. I saw this last night too. I am baking bread in the bread machine. It’s the first time I have used it in several years! I hope it turns out okay.

Angela Denton: How was the bread Tanya Arons?

Me: Angela Denton very good. It was ready at 2 am and smelled so delicious that I crawled out of bed and ate a slice.

AD: Tanya Arons id love you to join me in a 5 rhythms Sunday Sweat dance one week. It’s a great release. I think it would be good for you

Tanya Arons I love a Nigella style midnight snack

Me: Angela Denton I would love to in theory but it’s at 9 am and that’s too early for me. I dance by the moonlight like the night owl I am. Weird old bird who falls off my perch regularly!

AD: Tanya Arons I get that. I stare at the moon on occasions and conjure up the goddess. In my earthly mode I wake early in Summer but sleep about 10 hours and wake so much later in winter. So much so that I think my moods are affected by the seasons

Me: Angela Denton I suffer seasonal mood disorders every change of season. You can set a clock by me.

I also predict storms usually days ahead. (As in my body starts somatising and I feel all jangled and crazy).

It’s one of my superpowers from long term trauma. I had to train myself to ride through that bitch like an intrepid sailor (or Warrior Goddess!)

Angela Denton: Tanya Arons I hear you

21 November 2018

I had a lovely time with Crystal last night. We had Jackpot Noodles. Then we walked around the city and looked at the shops. We found a perfume I really liked in the Myer centre. I loved the bottle which had a snake coiled around it. The fragrance was a woody floral. Gorgeous!

We looked at shoes and swimsuits. We are gonna look at DFO on Saturday.

Crystal gave me the gorgeous Calaca earrings. I was delighted.

Most of all I enjoyed her company. I am so grateful and happy to have my beautiful talented daughter back. Child of the universe and gift of my heart.

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.....And then shit got real!!! I must remember my psychic intuition has rarely led me astray.

Now I know, after that session, that I can trust no one but myself and G-d with my life story, my heart and soul.

What did I say in recent writings about the soul remnants of Judas Iscariout flirting with my last nerve?

Hohum. Message received. Over and out.

I am Safe but only because I use my intellect and wits to remain so. I am fucking Formidable. I like who I am. Warrior Goddess/Mama T. Yass Tanya. Is coming along nicely. But she will not Submit. Uh uh Fool!

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Last Thursday I was tweaked by spirit while shopping at the Salvation Army shop. Songs from my former family. A love song my womanising de facto stepfather used to sing to my mother.

Well I sat up and took notice. No accidents in the universe. I stood in trepidation of the message. I was shaken and discombobulated.

Friday came and I readied myself for my epic dancing. What shall I wear? I felt guided (instructed? ordered?) to wear my long skirt and red corset. Why? I thought? Why not? Came the answer. I wrinkled my nose in mirth. Someone is pushing my buttons...again.

So I did what I was told and wore my evening garb with elegance and aplomb and got on with the business of living and dancing and being my most beautiful joyous authentic self.

Then as the gods would have it, my former lover showed up. Playing his usual games.

I was both thrilled and mortified. That Love that burns in my soul sizzling with both wonder and fury. So when he sent his friend to “spy” on me I could not help passing on my message about game players and timewasters who could have been my partner, in my usual anachronistic vulgar but witty way.

Then I fell into exhaustion on Saturday and Sunday as well then got hammered with insomnia.

Ahhh what am I not integrating here? It hit me this morning. The song sung by another cruel and faithless creep, much beloved by my mother. Cees and my former Twin Soul/Demon spawn/ Beloved share the same birthday and the same Machiavellian proclivities.

Except that the lover and I were lovers however briefly, several years ago, by mutual consent. He did not try to sexually assault me like Cees in my childhood. Or hit me or throw me into walls when I became enraged at Cees sexually harassing my 9 and 10 year old Self.

But he did betray me in other ways, knowing I was truly deeply madly in love with him. Feckless fickle fucktard.

The last straw that cracked The Tanya’s back was using George to humiliate me. Getting to me via my friends as he is not man enough to communicate with me face to face.

But I have insomnia. And an aching bleeding heart and my soul is screaming because I did not deserve this. I cannot comprehend this. This Love. This life. Or the vapid two-bit players.

Lay your head upon your pillow. Put your warm and tender body close to mine.

Well, I have Beauregard and the cats who love me in all my glory. Loyal and true. No human lover has ever stood by me for long or remained in my life or been loyal and generous and true.

At the last Ecstatic Dance I had set my intention for a True Love and for Courage and to Let go of Sabotage, my own self-sabotage and others. So a week later I was put to the test.

Interesting. Did I pass or fail? Why are the gods of Love still tormenting me? They should know what is in my mortal heart. Weigh it accordingly. Measured against the false perversions of fake men. ”Stiff as a board, light as a feather” Horus awaits...But I have a strange inkling. There is much more to this Love story and I will find out , in time, what or who is really truly Mine.

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2:27 am Another night of insomnia. Arrrgggggh.

21 November 2017

Today I witnessed two young blonde women, one holding a 1 year old baby in her arms, in the RSPCA shop at Stones Corner. Her sister was trying on a second hand wedding dress and asked the assistant to help zip her up.

I was focused on trying on a pair of shoes that were lovely quality but the right shoe was a tiny bit tight. I quietly observed the young woman with the infant, calmly shushing the little one but there was so much sadness in her eyes and I decided that it was probably just exhaustion as kids are very tiring little creatures.

So I was surprised when I got to the counter to pay, that the young beautiful blonde woman was now fully garbed in a hijab with only her eyes on show and standing sadly and patiently beside her was her sister holding the baby girl.

I thought nothing much of this until they left the shop then the staff told me she was getting married on Thursday and had only just bought the dress.

Oh my! She looked so sad for a new bride to be, regardless of the hijab!

I worried for her throughout the day as I was once that bride buying my own second hand dress only weeks prior to my wedding and in my case the sadness was due to the fact that my father in law was dying and he did indeed die 2 nights before my wedding so my wedding day was the most surreal happy/sad/sad Happy confusion of emotion and it was literally hijacked when my new groom demanded I get out of my beautiful dress that I had worn for the 20 minute ceremony and change into other clothes as he resented me already from the moment the ketubah was signed, that he now had a wife and responsibilities.

The funeral was the very next day. I felt shell shocked and a bit horrified but I had loved my husband’s father and the Wellington jewish community had treated me with more kindness than my new in-laws.

So I thought naïvely that being a jewish wife and ultimately a mother was going to be the right path for me, in spite of the awful beginnings. Well it wasn’t and there but for the grace of G-d and my serenity/safety/sanity went I. But it was a presage of that Albatross I often talk about.

I wanted to run after the two young women and say “Don’t marry into a religion that hates women, that bit by bit robs you of life and joy and freedom”. I wanted to embrace the bride to be and whisper in her ears “Run! Run far and wide and keep running but most of all run home to the only true love you will ever have, Yourself”.

But then I realised she might be happy and life as a strict Muslim Woman might give her security and joy.

But that dark shadow of ancient patriarchal middle eastern religions that take sweet innocent Australian or NZ women and subvert them into castaways, locked behind Mechitzahs or Hijabs hangs low like the Sword of Damocles or the fruitful promise of the hanging gardens of Babylon, plucked and sucked and ... nevermind you get my vibe.

Oh G-d of Abraham (Ibrahim)Jacob and Isaac, brother of Ishmael thou cruel and vengeful lustful denouncer of Women, I beg You, You and the Holiest One, Creator of all that is/Was/Will be, give these girls a happy, Blessèd, peaceful and loving life and if you can’t or won’t do that, then at least give them the strength, the courage and the support to run wild and free and find their own inner goddess and let no man or gods ever destroy them (or me!) ever ever ever again. So mote it be!

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“Nobody likes you! We all think you are a freak” she hissed. One of my female stalkers at the casino. I started to dissemble inside my heart and gut and soul. For so many decades the recipient of so much hatred, contempt and abuse. So accustomed to it.

Instead I let the initial reaction from my most primal core dissipate like smoke on water. It was not the first time a spiteful ugly-souled hateful person has attacked me.

Everyone hates me. So be it. I learned that at home as an infant and at school as a child, at university, in my marriage, from latter lovers who tried to squeeze my life out of my throat, eventually even from my children.

I am Hated! My superpower! I survived to out-live most of those evil perverted bastards and in recent months even my stalkers have slowly crawled away to the holes they came out of. Go! Be awesome somewhere else!

They cost me peace and they viciously attacked and slandered to the point they cost me True Love as well.

That was the most cruel of all. Stealing any hope of a loving relationship from me out of petty envious spite. But a real man would have seen through it. A real man would have chosen me anyway.

But complex ptsd and decades of unresolved grief and rage that is eked out by former and current abusers; leaching the pus that runs like a river of fire through my body, always under the surface, sometimes pushed deep deep down but when needed, can boil over in a nano-second as I learned to channel my rage in order to survive.

Everyone hates me! Sigh...I am Ok with that. If that is who I am, beautiful, fierce, powerful and stoic, if that is what it means to Show up and represent myself over and over and over again, to fly in the face of moronic baseless useless hate?

Then tonight we ride, Sisters. Because sooner or later You too will earn the mantle of courage and decency and a warrior’s gaze upon the debased and the profane. Sooner you’ll raise yourself up and Shine.

They hate you when you lie down and eat your own body in a tormented living death and they hate you when you stand up and are counted and fucking fight and they will hate you for ever being born and they will hate you when you are long dead but that is their problem.

I will continue to strive to overcome my enemies, wherever I meet them, and I will always stand by my own integrity. Hate turns to respect. Sometimes to love. It is a backhanded gift, a poison slowly seeping which spreads like a plague and needs containment.

Without love, who would I be now? Hahaha.

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How beautiful, on a day when I was feeling so bereft and unwell, and I wrote about all my ugly putrid enemies, I was blessed with such beautiful and abundant gifts of Love from my lovely friends.

So you see, one should never give up and always remember there are Loving Earthangels Out in the World who manifest greatness and beauty for me (for each of us!) in life.

Thank you all! I love you!

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Thank you to my beautiful friend Sally Castle who is currently on holiday in Texas. She has just sent me an assortment of groceries which is lovely and always appreciated.

Thank you for your lovely gifts. Yummy!

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No more new potatoes for breakfast. It took a little long while but better out than in. I feel marginally better now. Marginally.

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I went to vote at pre-polling while feeling nauseous (probably from the new potatoes I cooked for breakfast, fresh from my garden but meh!) Then went to look at Stones Corner as it has been a year since I last went there. Wow. Looking much nicer. Lots of new freshly renovated shops. I bought a skirt and top in the RSPCA although it was very over-priced. Then popped into Aldi to get a few items then raced back home as the nausea is worse.

I am not having a run of health lately. So bloody annoying. Oh well. Time to crawl back into bed and watch Gaia.com on my iPhone and rest.

Megan Phillips: Personally cuzn, I think u should have a cleansing on your house n rid yourself of the ugly wairua (spiritual attacks) on you, you will feel lighter...do each corner of your whare then each corner of your yard...use water or even rock salt will do n a bit of a karakia in the name of your God..can't hurt to try, love you cuzn n wish you well always xo

21 November 2016

Waiting on Jarrod and Harvey. Lying in my hammock. My bones in my legs are aching from Saturday night's epic effort. I don't think it is septic arthritis although I have one more antibiotic tablet left to take.

I think I am Over the worst of my nervous breakdown I experienced last week. I actually (gasp!) feel happy again.

I need to go with the flow as I never know how long that warm fuzzy comfortable feeling will settle upon my heart and mind. It is always so variable and can leech out of me like a bad dose of diarrhoea. Dark dank and liquid. But in the style of kabbalists, alchemists, dreamers, prophets and caged little lovebirds living on hope and sunshine, I can turn that shit to gold. It's all in the mindfuck, babies. Attitude is everything. Love is everything. Hope. That haggard liar: everything.

Everything and No Thing.

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Ghastly. If I lived near, as a white Jewish woman I would sit with the people protesting on their land. I have suffered horrific systemic abuse here in Queensland.

A judge who screwed over every woman in the family court room on the day of my property settlement. I lost comparatively little compared to dozens of millionaire wives I watched him ruin that day. I was last to be called. I bollocked the hell out of him. His wig actually slipped sideways. Evil bastard.

Then again the abuse from Qld police, failing to protect me and my children for 18 months in WAterford West when we were under serious attack. Then the utter bullshit when the adult guardian (who in a private room off the record later apologised to me! Wtf???) enabled Buck Scherer after had been reported by the National Bank for coercing my mother to give him large amounts of money. I was slandered, demonised and he was given power of attorney. Again with the putrid will dispute.

Mention court to me and I have had so much systemic abuse that I break down. As each time I was lawfully in the right but the rights of poor disenfranchised women (and/or Jews) and their young children have no value in our court system.

I stand with all those people, regardless of colour/gender/race who are abused daily by our white supremist misogynist system.

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This is why I profoundly believe one should never write anyone off. No matter how damaged, or insane society deems them. Humans have their own Magic, their own genius, their own innate gifts, often locked away deep inside their mind but when accessed, such wonder, such beauty and so much joy can be brought to this life.

(From one whose own mind and emotions are too often turbulent. Especially when I am in love with a man who cannot comprehend the depths and width and crazy swirling abyss of my intensity). Ok. I love that man but I am not gonna cut off my ear and gift it to him.

He has my prose, my quiet desperation and shrewish sollipsisms to keep him warm and snug at night. Like the other lovers in my life, long gone, he has not realised the jewel in the lumpy bumbling mound of Hobbit flesh.

Psy sighs. Or rather he has but he is afraid to really let go and love me.

Ultimately, I need my freedom of expression. My carefree twirling mind. Real loves will always come back to me and stay. Time takes time. Yada yada yada. Boom tish bang. Maybe next life.

Although I pray Hashem lets me just sit amongst the Sephirot in Nirvana after I close my eyes on this life. I just want to never suffer like this ever again. But...the gods decree and I, mere mortal must dance to the tune of the capricious Fates and sing with the muses. They are not done with me yet.

21 November 2015

7.18 pm finally sitting down and resting. I have been busy for 2 days. Crystal's stuff sorted. Garden sorted. I made a candelabra to hang in tree.

Wind is up! Perhaps an evening storm?

All geared up to pick up little Alcide with Jarrod tomorrow morning. Gympie here we come. I am so excited I hardly slept last night. Like a little kid! I don't think I will ever grow up.

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9.20 am. Wide awake! Must be excited about tomorrow. It is already boiling hot outside. I dunked Helga and Heidi in the clam shell pool. They are still figuring out if they liked getting wet. Haha!

I put Mushu and Penny's feet in too. Mushu was rather disgusted and flicked water off his back feet. He look like a drunken sailor. I think little Alcide will like his pool though. Crystal had it for Ramón and Sookie. I miss my bunny kin.

21 November 2014

3.47 pm. Hot. I got up at 1ish. I have had a shower and already I feel icky sticky yicky, picky and slicky!

I might go out tonight, if I can be bothered to venture out in the heat.

I gave my chooks a mixture of frozen veges, peas, watermelon, cucumber and berries that I mixed all together. They are not keen on the peas and veges. Spoilt little Velociraptors!

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1.57 am time to schluff. The numbers I saw tonight were 12.22 and 1.12. Interesting.

Good night! Laila Tov! Dream beautifully!

21 November 2012

My Paltalk friends helped me name the two new Hens who have nothing of the strong determined spirits of their predecessors, Lilith and Morgana so I was loathe to recycle their names.

The new black Hen is now Elvira and the new ginger one is Tabitha. I think the names will suit them well.

I named the white chicken, the middle one, Astrid. I was watching her walking over to me and just as I pondered on what to call her, the name popped into my head. She practically chose her own name lol.

She is awesome as are Little Rooster Merlin and the runt of the clutch....Ri-ri! Ri ri is growing into a much more assertive hen as I hoped she would but boy, was she handicapped as a chick! Proof that you should never give up on the little people (hens included).

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Battling major fatigue and weathering another emotional storm! This time Lyn's family is in crisis so I have been there for her as much as possible.

I wish for her and me a Peaceful Happy Life. We certainly deserve it!

21 November 2011

I have a strong sense of “rejoicing” or “celebration”. I feel like buying some cheap wine and getting drunk but I had to borrow money from Lyn today. She took me to Golden Circle so I could buy some drinks - Joyce, cordial etc as I’ve been ill for two weeks with asthma so I’ve been drinking a lot of water, but I need something sweeter and more flavoursome.

21 November 2010

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Another bad/sad day in Paradise! The universe is busy shovelling shit in my direction but I will look the other way. So used to crap that it just piles up around my feet, keeping me bitter and stinky but hopefully encouraging powersurges of new growth in positive directions....away from the crap!

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Crystal's play didn't win which was disappointing as her performance and the playwrighting was suberb. Once again, misogyny won, with male-oriented issues being chosen of those of womens' issues. Not happy Jan.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons