Memories: 19 March 2023

19 March 2024

19 March 2023

Posted to the Women’s Metalsmith Collective:

Okay my beautiful Muses…the moment of Truth. it’s 11:59 am. I just completed my new ring. The stones in place are buried in silver. Soo eeeek. But I have made that ring.

It’s rather large so I will be busy with my half round file. I don’t have a graver to dig out my buried gems…but I will work on what to do about that!

But…I am so excited with this progress as I now can cast a ring! Even if there are still some issues!

Thank you all for your kindness, sweetness, generousity of spirit in guiding me in this process. I am shaking with excitement that I can finally do this…but I would not have achieved this without you!

Blessed Be! xxx

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Okay… it’s 7:58pm. I have not finished working on this ring…but my studio is also my bird, Charley’s bedroom so I need to get out of here and let her rest.

Here are the most recent photos. I still need to cut off the button and sprue but I kept it on to aid in filing.

The gemstones seem to have all fallen off. The largest one (the top one!) I still have. The rest have gone to ruby heaven. A tad disappointing that I failed to cast the stones in place.

But…I still love this ring. So I will keep working on it tomorrow… and will wear it with delight!

So it’s a successful ring casting but also a fallure in stone casting. All good. I can improve!

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I am utterly exhausted. Ultimately my left hand kept seizing up so I had to stop working on the ring. Also Charley needs her sleep. But I am proud of my achievement today even if the stones all disappeared or fell off. The ring is a work in progress! Like me!

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19 March 2021

I am very excited as my paua shell pieces arrived for my next weird idea of inlaying my new (secondhand but free!) cabinet. I was inspired by my Facebook friend, Billy Williams’s beautiful work last year!

I have no fricking idea how to inlay. But I figure that by the time I finish both cabinet doors I will be quite adequate at it!

I am a bit disappointed as I thought the paua pieces were larger in diameter so I might have to order a larger size that fills the square a bit better.

I have also ordered mother of pearl but no idea what size they will be. I may be able to cut them to size. I will need to carve out with a drill bit or something the correct millimetres in the timber to inlay the paua.

Or I could be lazy and cheat and just glue them on the outside. But that would not teach me anything although it still looks nice!

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9:13am…this morning I am grateful to be alive. The fever has broken, and with it the pressure in my brain that was like being squeezed in a hot metal helmet. The bowels have finished excoriating me. G-d that was foul and embarrassing. Me all dressed lovely having to cling to every toilet in the IKEA and the Logan shopping centre next door. Had I known it was gonna hit me so unexpectedly on my one outing with my family I would have stayed home.

I felt like I might pass out or die. Glad I made the decision to drink some Glucozade for the drive home! Even then it did not revive me much. It was like walking (and driving) in a dream, my reality felt altered that much.

So um, no more chocolate for a while as it nearly killed me. Gahhh. I loved it so much. Miss Five needed sweetness in her life but Ms 55 almost 56’s cantankerous spiteful vengeful digestive system spoke otherwise.

Honestly...the way I have felt physically for the past few years...I truly believe I am dying. Which is why I have these mad desperate delusions of writing books or starting my jewellery workshop or falling in love with a truly kind great and honourable man who will gift me such happiness and passion for life that I am reinvigorated.

I tried that...a few times...only to be used and abused by men more dead in their hearts and souls than even I was.

Nay! The Tanya must heal herself to the tenth generation...kick off the shackles of malaise, cptsd and oppression and fucking enjoy the rest of her life on her own terms. I feel strongly I don’t have much longer on this planet and time has leaked out beneath my toes like hydrochloric acid, leaching me of any hope for a “normal” safe or cared for or protected life.

The key is to not get sick but it’s hard to avoid when immersed in a pervasively sick and evil society.

I am never gonna make it I tell myself... yet paradoxically I have made it. I survived my family of origin, Micheal, Dale and Louise, Terry and Gila, Davidson and his bitch, I survived Buck Scherer and his daughters, I survived the men I chose to have sex with up until 6 years ago. Yuck!

I survived the one I loved playing me for a fool endlessly. I survived my own daughters’ contempt for me. I survived the many pet deaths, I survived my own suicide attempt (miraculously!) I survived my gall bladder surgery which was also an exercise in malfeasance and viciousness on the part of the PA hospital.

I survived yesterday’s gastric attack which was so bad I thought about going to hospital but hospitals are not safe places of healing for me but dangerous..cruel...and often inept. I was quite prepared to die rather than put myself through that evil perverted shit ever again.

But during the night the fever broke and I am gifted yet more time in this fractal fractionated distorted Berserker Bullshit reality and I will survive until I cannot any longer and something major in my body or mind snaps.

Fuck it!

But look...the crows are cawing...and calling me back to Life with the heartfelt love of Odin. Charley is singing...the sun even came out to shine today: shine through adversity!

Life is beautiful. Be in it! Be of it! Be!

Quetzalcoatl and me are not on speaking terms right now. His nectar and my body are no longer allies of design or desire. But I will forgive him. God knows I probably needed a good and violent purge after the Women’s March and all the awfulness of our Liberal government’s failures (actual refusal) to protect and/or respect Women!

So The Tanya is purged and what now? We go to war, my lovelies. The battle never ceases... but for now... I must gird my loins and nurture my inner sacred bowels for a while!

19 March 2020

Today is the first day in many months, even the past few years that I feel Good. Breathing normally. Calm. Enjoying the day.

I had a long sleep and have just had a shower and washed my hair. So am now outside with my precious little bird and the dog.

It’s a gorgeous day today. Life is good. Two weeks ago I did not think I was going to survive another day. Now here I am...rejoicing and feeling good for once.

Let the good times keep rolling in. :-)

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QE2 dentist just rang to reschedule my appt for Monday arvo. Phew! I was quite upset about the cancellation given how hard it was to get an appt to begin with. But all good now. They are going ahead with treatment. (Mine is just a yearly check up, possibly a clean). I did have a nerve die about 6 weeks ago in one of my teeth so that tooth is now officially dead. But it won’t need anything doing to it.

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19 March 2019

Today I am getting my hair done. So ironically, although my body will be feeling very weak and wrung out on Thursday from the prep for and recovery from the dreaded colonoscopy, Mama T will look damn fine while she’s doing it.

I am grateful it was booked two days before the operation or I would have had to cancel and look and feel shitful for much longer.

Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. But it’s a sign of better mental health that I care about my appearance at all. There was a time I let everything, including my dignity slide.

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19 March 2018

I am going to Coochiemudlo with Jarrod on Wednesday. Looking forward to it as we haven’t been for about a month.

Maybe I will run into Monika, Edward and their dog Thor again. Lovely people.

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I went out and pruned the golden rain tree’s lower hanging branches and cut down a snapped banana tree that a possum broke last night. I cut the banana tree up and threw it down as “mulch”.

Now sweating and breathless as had a bad coughing spell out there while sawing.

Very hot day today. Or I felt the heat more.

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A hot shower. Clean and happy Tanya here.

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Yesterday I reached out (like an idiot) to the man I remain deeply in love with after 4 years of frankly so much weird but very spiritually attuned bullshit.

Of course I was gifted only more of his Silence. Is it good? Is it bad?

I have not given up on him (Not like he gave up on me but then oddly started coming to stare at me again).

Never mind. I know he has spies on my Facebook page who run to him with my personal wounds and delight in my heartfelt suffering. Voyeurs and perverts. Hell, he even had some of his male friends watch me for almost a year. What do they see to report their vile and inaccurate gossip back to him?

The Tanya dancing wildly with wild men and wild women then retreating to her Sacred Space alone with her cats and dog.

Morons. But amusing.

In his quest to dominate me with his entourage of gaping sneering vicious lovers he sought power and ultimately came up against something more powerful and timeless and incredibly karmic and beautiful and spiritual and breathtakingly humbling. Love. Real

Authentic Juicy Loyal Limitless LOVE.

So let them run and scurry and squirm like bubonic plague infested rats scurrying in a Church Of Decay.

The Tanya Knows her own Heart and Mind and it’s true Value. She chose and chose and chose again. The One who blew her apart like a centrifuged pressure cooker then scampered away with vicious superficial women who (laughs at the tragicomic gnosis) will destroy him bit by bit until he realises what he had but discarded.

I am ok with it. I am learning to Love myself in such a way that Silence is a golden gift of beauty and contentment. That fake friends and flea-bitten louche feeders are just gonna have to feed and bleed as my Resource is Limitless but they will always be Hungry and Empty and soulless.

I am In Love. With my shadowy sad mad man. With the Shades of my past. With the glorious Woman of my future. I stand in my own Light, shimmering and shivering with anticipation of all the gifts bestowed upon me. Men who lied and cheated but still desire to own me - she who will not be Owned. Mere reminders of the superficiality of the fractured hearts of shallow men.

He sees me in my Joy, my Power, my Love. That is my “gift”. See me. Then let me go, you who have no authenticity or love for me.

Truth and decency. Integrity. Sweetness. Power. True power. Owning my own beautiful mistakes and love poured on fakes and frauds. The celestial waters and the babbling brook will never touch these stones of my heart-Mind again. Wash away and flow with my blessings and occasional forgiveness.

Nothing lost and nothing gained. Just bliss and Is-ness.

The Tanya/psychedelic dreamer/Me is going to be okay.

Better than okay but just for today...awesome, actually!

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I need a Mishaberach (spelling) soul blessing from my Jewish kin. A person of pure heart and good intent to cleanse and purge the dreck and dross of old soul connections. No Shule here is safe for me or worthy of my attention.

I am grateful for the blessings on my head from my former Kadimah Habibi Club lol. They really loved me in a weird way. May HaShem bless them and keep them, themselves collectors of pestilential negative drainers. Like cures Like. Find your Vibe find your tribe.

I also want to Thank but also Spank my former Ojibwa Midewiin who promised to light up my spirit so I would attract The One and Only but as often happens in my current reality my Light attracted another flea-bitten wounded Wolf man who lacked the courage to truly stand by me and hold space for me.

My wolf guardian spirit snarled and growled and drooled and almost gave up on her precious man-wolf-child ghost in my personal machine. I almost died too, under attack by so many malevolent spirits, living and dead, zombified and atrophied but glorified on my “medicine wheel”.

My lover man came to watch from a safe distance but ignorant of space and time and its continuum.

Tanya knows...Tanya Loves anyway and Tanya glows in her own paradigm of joyous delight.

Medicine wheels turn and turn again. Welcome to the Return. The Red Road brings peace and contentment to the warriors of old.

My Ojibwa midewin (healer) asked advice from his Medecine man who chortled and advised him to Tame me. Lmao.

So the medecine could not be fully actualised as I am never going to be Tamed. Life has broken and whetted and whelped me since my first origins in my mother’s hate-spawned womb and I shall remain flawlessly Wild until the day I die and that is both my greatest blessing and curse and it took decades to self-actualise and manifest that purity of spirit, that wild free spirit, that bitten/strangled/raped and debased Soul. That rose up from ground zero, the nightmare and the hero of my own journey to Wholeness.

So many wanted a piece of me. But I slipped away like quicksilver, and shimmered and shone like a mirage. I howled at the moon and danced under a thousand suns. I stood up and was counted and I found my Light.

Joy. Peace. Truth. Integrity. Dignity. Abundance. Life force.

My Wolf shakes off the lousy fleas and the dirt that we all inevitably pick up along the way. My blood suckles them but I shall let it become toxoplasmosis in their veins. I shall only feed the honourable and the loving and the Blessèd.

My Wolf licks my face and looks deep and long into my eyes and we meld our souls together in true unconditional loyal love. We hold each other in eternal space and time and we exist for each other. He smiles and lays down at my feet and I rest my weary spirit beside him and we are both nurtured and nourished by our deep love.

I ask the gods for blessing and light and bliss and peace. So I can savour my own Becoming in freedom and good health. L’Chaim!

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Haha. As my former lover, that dead haunting ghost of a homoeopath psychopath used to love to tell me...

LIKE CURES LIKE. And, with his teeth crunching down on his Roll your own cigarette in the corner of his slack false jaws (as he fucked everyone he ever met, including me) then acted amazed when he found his true love and nemesis, while his filthy verminous friends and lovers humiliated me and like water I let their hatred and scorn wash over me as they were just not my people, he uttered in a strange and unexpected show of support and compassion “stop it! Tanya can do anything!” They stopped and gaped. Their vileness flowing back into their vomitous mouths, swallowing their own shit and bile and The Tanya, shocked by such love from my own Chosen Enemy, stood up in her own glory and shame and horror and tragi-comedic bathos, and walked out.

Only to have history repeat with another David and his equally cruel and pathetic friends.

But this time the pattern is shifting. True Love. Eternal Fibonacci spirals and dead ghost lover banging down my door on June 2016 for 4 consecutive nights taught me well.

You cannot enter Paradise between my thighs. You cannot steal my Value by plucking my heart from my chest and stomping all over it. You cannot strangle my truth or my light from me! Better men have tried and failed. Is it good/is it bad to throttle the Love of a good kind woman to make her grow up strange but beautiful, fierce but fragile, wise but Broken, Loving but Insightful. Courageous but Naïve. Furious but forgiving. Impoverished by trauma and contempt but rich beyond worlds in Spirit. Hahaha.

Fickle fingering fate flips a bird then lays its hand upon me. Lifts me up and shakes me off, throws me away but I fly like an eagle back into the fray and I have plucked the all-seeing eye from the blind serpent god and called him out on his Bullshit.

Then I shall melt like butter on a hot pancake and drizzle and dribble away (Sashay away!)

Watch me as I walk away. Psychedelic dreaming swirling girl/woman/warrior goddess. I got this!

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I need to move to Byron Bay. I need a miracle! I need I need I need. I want! Me me me . Blech.

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19 March 2017

:-). Walking to my car at the Myer Centre, I saw my homeless friend Bones sitting outside the kebab shop. I haven't seen him in the cbd for about 6 months.

I said "Hello" to him. He grinned his impish grin but looked a bit vague. So I leaned in closer "Do you know who I am, Bonesie?" His eyes twinkled. "Yes, you are the Witch" and grinned back at me. I laughed. "Yes, and a very good one. Annoyingly, good!"

He smiled at me, delighted with our private joke. It was nice to see him back on the streets, wearing his cowboy hat, clad with plastic skulls. I still have a green dragonfly toy he gave me as a gift one night.

I was hoping to see Katrina out as I have a big bag of clothes for her but she was not around. I guess I can keep them in my car until next weekend and if I don't see her I will donate them to Vinnie's.

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Today I went to see Hidden Figures with Lyn. Wonderful inspiring movie. I loved it. It is truly amazing what the human spirit can achieve when we put our minds to it. Fearless, loving, gifted women. The world is full of so much beauty, talent and genius. It needs to be embraced and explored and encouraged.

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3.40 am. I had a great night with my gorgeous friends. Now home, hot bath, pain omg pain but I had fun.

I received an email from BCC today telling me I have permission to turn my verge into a vege garden/edible landscape as long as I follow Council guidelines in their website.

So now it is only a matter of waiting for my leg to heal then getting out there to start digging. Wish I could afford a bobcat as the area of council land is huge! I guess if I dig a small amount each day it will soon get accomplished. I will need manure, straw for mulch etc to season the soil before planting. Hmmm. It might get too expensive. P

But I can at least dig a hole for my Avocado tree that really needs to be transplanted out there so it has plenty of room to grow.

19 March 2016

4.00 am. I had a wonderful night dancing with my beautiful Thai friend Nena and her BF, Adam. She showered me with affection as she always does. She bought me several drinks. I had to refuse any more as I was driving and on Prednisone. She spoils me rotten.

She says "I can't do enough for you. I love you so much!" She is adorable but when she gets drunk she cries out of nowhere. I always comfort her and tell her how much I love her and to put a smile back on her face. Then she brightens up and off we go again, dancing wildly.

I often wonder why she loves me so much and spoils me. I am so grateful as together, we always have a great time. Adam joins in with us. He is a lovely guy.

After I told Nena not to give me any more drinks as I was having to drive home, Antonio came over and handed me a Corona and gave me a big wink. I said Thank you but worried about being over the limit. Nena said. "No worries, we dance even more and it will be fine!"

Around 3 am I left the casino to buy a kebab as I was hungry. Then headed back to the casino to validate my card. The guy at the desk said it was fine for me to resume parking at the casino from 10pm until 4 am unless they have a promotion on.

I said I had only parked there tonight as a staff member said it would be ok but he has retired now (which is why I panicked when I arrived this evening as I asked them if I had to move my car as Michael was not on duty.). So when I validated my card to leave the guy said I could park from now on unless the car park is full with a special promotion.

I am relieved and happy as I have been parking in Margaret St for the past few months after confusion over parking with another reception worker. This means that now that autumn is coming I can park at the casino car park and avoid walking home alone in the cold and wet in the winter months. Woot.

I was honest with Jason. I said I rarely gamble and if I do I spend no more than $10 but I do buy my own drinks and my friends buy me drinks so Jerome's accusation of me being a "casino scammer" was really offensive and outrageous. I said if there is going to be a problem I am quite happy to continue to park on the streets but as my health has been poor I would happily take advantage of the 10-4 parking.

I stated it is safer than walking 2-3 blocks to my car in Margaret or Alice Street also.

Jason was very courteous and said it would not be a problem unless the car park is Full. All good.

Now we are all on the same page I can relax!

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4.03 pm. Finally awake! Big storm coming! Hallelujah!

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Yeeehawwww! Here she blows. Heavy driving rain. Had to rush about shutting Windows.

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What was that?! 5 minutes of heavy rain then the skies cleared. Ridiculous!

19 March 2015

12.55 am. I felt unwell today, still in recovery from the epic sneezing and itchy sore eyes of two days ago. So I spent most of the day in bed! Only way to fly when not travelling well!

I got up around 11 pm. So I did the dishes still left over from our beautiful bbq. Then the Captain Morgan caught my eye. We stared at each other for a while, while I made a cup of tea (I boiled the shit out of another copper pot as I went to sleep with the gas on! So I had to scrub out the pot first!)

Capt Morgan won! Aye aye ayayayay Captain! I am sure I was a Wild Woman Pirate in another lifetime (or worse Black beard! That would explain my shitty karmic luck in love in this lifetime).

Anyhoo diddly ho! The Tanya made another Rum Baba, skalled the tot of rum that was remaining. Then she (or I ) went outside to imbibe on salad and bbqed potatoes left over from the bbq and some remaining wine.

(I ate the left over chicken earlier and shared out the sausage with Socks, Sophie and Mushu who thought it was Cat Goddess festivities of meat offering Goodness). As usual Socks made a glutton of himself but he is a happy lad and you know, we can't bonk anymore so we have to temper our appetites in other ways.

He had the catty chutzpah to climb in the kitchen bench and lick the electric beater mixers. Little Turd. I said No. He said Yes. I grabbed him and put him on the floor. He said Schmeh, woman, I got there before you noticed! Take that, Sucker! So I washed the mixing bowl and the beaters.

It's a beautiful night! Quiet...except for Poss-poss making her way through the trees and studying her human. The crickets singing. I disturbed a visiting Tawny Frogmouth on the washing line before, as I hung out washing.

It's quiet. I am alone in the night. Tipsy. Happy. Alive. Ohh, just heard one of my goldfish come to the surface and make a splash! My babies.

I might not be able to get a loving male partner to take me into his life and love me until we die. But I have the Universe, above and below, my naked feet. A heart that beats to the cosmic rhythm of Life and a Big Big Love that Watches and Waits with me .

Now Hashem, thank you for good friends who bail me out of financial distress at the eleventh hour. For the Love I receive every day. The Love that I gave and keep giving. May I merit to be the woman I am Becoming. Wise, Free, Adored (not obsessional, though!) and Happy!

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Vikings!!!! Yay! I stumbled across it when I flicked on the teev. It appears to be the new season too. Hail Odin!

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9.13 pm. I have been outside, watered entire garden, filled fishponds. I spent an hour in the last of the daylight hanging in my hammock.

Now about to take a shower as I am sopping wet from watering and a tad stinky as well. I might go out for a few hours. My left leg really hurts. I think it's part if the septic arthritis symptoms I have had since I twisted my left ankle on February 14. I also have a sore right shoulder. Should I worry?! Nup, just keep going. Whatever is meant it be, I embrace it fully.

I am sick of struggling up-river only to watch my body slowly shut down on me. Time to paddle in the shallow for a while. Take life easy and less seriously.

I literally forced myself to limp around the garden and water everything in spite of the discomfort. I don't want to seize up like the Tin Man when I could be out Seizing the day (or night!)

I have eaten all the Rum Baba! Yum! Baba Bummer. No more rum for my tum so no more fattening but delicious cake. Ha!

My inner Viking Pirate wants to Raidddd. Settle Petal!

19 March 2014

I can't sleep! Now that I am resting my body, my mind won't stop thrashing, rehashing and gnashing! Hmmm!

My Crystal rang me tonight, drunk on wine and said she couldn't shake the feeling that something amazing was about to happen! So she called to check on me! I said "Nup nothing extraordinary here, except I have a sore neck from moshing!" She said "at least you are finally enjoying life, Mum!" I was so happy! She finally gets it!

I wish I had met The One who adores me and chooses me for his partner, been wishing for that a long time. Now I know it is not likely to happen for me, I can relax and just enjoy my life as much as possible.

19 March 2011

I had a nice morning at shul to celebrate Eva's Vatik Award and caught up with some of my favourite people. Then Gail and I went to see "Hall Pass". I was worried it would be schlocky and horrid but was pleased that it was funny and entertaining. I've had a very nice day! Tonight is Purim, so I will be celebrating some more tomorrow!

19 March 2010

I hate gardening! Rose geranium dying, and some possum ate my new strawberry plants. So I stuffed my back for nuttin'!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons