Memories: 22 March 2023

22 March 2024

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I had a most wonderful night last night. Alter egos played Zombie and The Tanya went into full Tribal Mosh again. I literally “flew”! I will be dancing for them tonight at the Koala Tavern, Capalaba.

Awesome! I haven’t been to that venue before so it’s gonna be a bit trippy as I used to live in Birkdale and had my business in Capalaba 29 years ago. It will be like dancing ancient energies back into the ground. Plus Alter Egos informed me they will be playing more alternative/heavy metal rock so oh oh…more neck grinding moshing will be happening. The Tanya in full flight is a Happening.

Some lovely women outside the club last night, as I was leaving, told me they had witnessed my “Dance” and had done well! I replied “I am 59 in three weeks time so I am amazed at my ‘dance’ too”.

My dance of self determination, freedom, defiance and wild berserker outlet of long contained passions. All good. I can get older disgracefully for a little longer I suppose!

22 March 2023

Today I went to the doctor (gp) he said the swelling on my ankle is just inflammation aggravated by arthritis. I need to elevate my foot, put warm compresses on the swelling and rub Deep Heat or Voltaren into it. He confirmed it’s not cellulitis so that is good news.

After I saw my gp I visited Lyn and then had my debrief via Telehealth with my psychiatrist. He is so proud of me for my jewellery making creativity, for reaching a place of clarity and for getting over the viciousness of former lovers, friends, and family of the past, ie moving on and making my life saner and beautiful!

I told him I hope to make enough money some day so I can travel to all the sacred (Holy) sites around the earth before I get too old, or too frail to achieve that dream! But sometimes I am overwhelmed with the enormity that it might be too little too late, so I fall into despair…then others I am euphoric and working so hard on my projects that I feel like my dream is possible.

At any rate I will keep working towards that goal and keep the dream alive…it could happen one day…sooner than I think possible right now.

You really can manifest miracles when you believe and work hard towards your goals. :-).

22 March 2022

He was dying in the grass where I was sitting, grounding. So I gathered him up and gave him some water with a bit of honey. To revive him. Sometimes they just get exhausted and need a rest and some sugar! I can’t tell if he’s going to make it. One wing looks twisted out of shape. Poor little bee! He seems content sitting on my finger.

…

I had a coffee at my friend Amanda’s little kiosk. She says she has a nice man to introduce to me for friendship. I immediately flew into a panic. I told her I would meet him but not to matchmake me (that was how I ended up married at 19 to a dull intellect psychopath.)

I went into Woolies and didn’t buy the foodstuffs I actually needed but came out with four blocks of chocolate. Ooops. Miss Five is terrified of any kind of possibility of even new friendships with single available males now. (I was fine chatting to Robert over our coffees as he is a lovely kind gentleman and married, so non-threatening to my lunatic traumatised reptilian brain!

I gave Amanda my mobile number as we are friends and said if the guy wants to meet me and is sitting down, having coffee, she could text me and I could come down for a coffee, that way it would be more natural than an organised meeting. If we start talking and like each other then who knows?!

But to be honest I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. Too much damage has been done to me for too many years.

But I mentioned it to Robert and he agreed, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I don’t have anything to lose by opening up to someone new.

….to be continued…

In the meantime I am back in my Sacred Space garden enjoying my general madness :-))). 27 years alone. It’s all I know.

22 March 2020

Watching the movie ‘From time to time’. Quote from Maggie Smith’s character: “Death is not the most important thing but whether you were loved or not. That is what most people think of on their death beds”.

It took my breath momentarily away (She whom has never been a very good Breather!). ‘Tis true. Love is the fabric of the multiverses.

22 March 2019

I had a good evening last night with Jarrod who cooked me rissoles and mashed potato with mushroom gravy for dinner. Delicious! We watched tv together and even stopped in at IGA for chocolate, gluten free ice cream and caramel and sea salt popcorn.

I felt weak after my ordeal of a colonoscopy which has to be repeated as my internal “house” was still, after all that prepping, not clear enough. Infuriating!

Today I am being taken out for lunch by my beautiful niece, Ruby and in the afternoon, Lyn and Danni are visiting. So I am thoroughly spoilt and blessed with loving friends and family. Grateful lucky woman here.

I was thinking this morning how there were decades when I thought I would never know happiness and one day a bubble in my psyche burst and I laughed for 4 hours non-stop. Now my goal is to eventually know what feeling and being healthy is.

It might never happen but I can only try. To be healthy, free of all pain and full of zest and vitality of life must be amazing. I get tiny snatches of it occasionally. So I know good health is achievable (even with my many precarious issues). It all starts with mind-set.

Although colonoscopy prepping really feels like dying and even my dog fretted for me, putting his paws up on the toilet seat and staring with great concern into my eyes. Literally “talking” me through it.

A great great healer of a dog. He was distressed the entire week as he sensed my discomfort and unease. Last night he played with a ball (rather annoyingly!) on the middle of the couch between Jarrod and myself. He was full of mischief and I think he sensed my relief that it was over.

He allowed himself to be a carefree dog again. I too, must allow myself to be carefree until the next surgery. There will be healing and joy in my life. I will expect nothing less then that.

Oh and yesterday the beautiful anaesthetist, an Indian woman doctor, of my vintage, asked me how I was diagnosed with hypohomocysteinaemia (an illness caused by high stress that is usually prevalent amongst male CEOs of large corporate companies) as that was very unusual for a woman.

I told her I lived through very dangerous times. I was diagnosed at around 35. She replied with the equanimity of a scientist, “Interesting!” I smiled and replied “Not so interesting, more horrific, but it was a long time ago now and I probably don’t still have homocysteinaemia but I still take my folic acid every day to stave off strokes”. She smiled.

I was super-impressed to have a female anaesthetist who actually took an interest in my dis-ease. Very cool!!!

22 March 2018

Last night was a sadistic horror show. I had a severe coughing spasm which caused vomiting and much distress and I was unable to get much Ventolin in my lungs and it was frankly very scary.

I am strong and determined so I pushed through it but a member of my family was cruel and vicious and told me I was faking it for attention. So I told her between gasps that her sadism reminded me of my stepfather Cees who also betrayed/neglected/abused me as a child when I was suffering asthma attacks.

Her response, bizarrely and bemusedly was to sing me “The Sadist Song” from the Dentist in Little Shop of Horrors! So I watched her in my own Observer Mode of a complex trauma patient, waiting with great curiousity to see how far she was going to go when Jarrod declared he was going home and took her with him.

Beautiful and wise of him, my beloved friend, as he has been through so much evil bullshit with me over 26 years and knows what happens when The Tanya (that would be Me!) Snap, Shnap, snappy fucking Snaps.

So my question to the Universe is How the FUCK does this keep happening???? I am surrounded by ghastly derisive cruel enemies and all I ever wanted was Love.

So the Answer is: something has to die inside me so that I can detach from these personal much beloved Hellhounds of Hate. Shake them off and never ever let them back in my life.

I am older and tired and so very heartbroken but in the style of The Tanya I shall rise above their evil Bullshit and hopefully my life will get better or I will find Blessèd release.

My breath sits in my chest like a cold hard stone. Heavy and yet numb.

I had two bad coughing fits yesterday. So I know I was not faking it. I never fake anything actually. Real illness and real life has prevented me from fulfilling most of my dreams and the one dream I did succeed at, is a cruel sadistic automaton.

A centipede crawled across my floor and she lovingly scooped it up and put it outside. I told her she cared more for that bug than for me and she sneered. I could not help laughing in a way, as it felt like a scene from American Horror Story when the insects crawled all over someone. (Or perhaps that was another horror show?)

Anyway, true colours are beautiful, like a fucking Rainbow and now they are revealed I will always know their mask and shady revelations.

(Update:22 March 2022)

Must be some kind of March Madness as my daughter and I are not talking again. I am so sick of being abused for no good reason. I am getting better at detaching though. Tempted to just leave everything, get in my car and drive to some distant place and never be heard from again.

But Um… I am holding onto my home and garden, my pets and my true friends and my ….sanity(!?). I have learned by many varied bitter experiences that I have no real family to support me. So there is that.

I wish I had a loving partner and kids that cared for me or at least respected me enough to treat me with kindness. But alas…no.

It feels like a horrific curse. Perhaps it is. But I know I have to get through the remains of my days quite alone and I have to embrace that. And be okay. Even if I feel like I am dying.

Unrequited, rejected by my own children…but Nu? What else is new? Same old same old fucking merry go-round ride.

One day I really will fall off my perch but hopefully those sadists won’t be around to see it.

…

Trigger warning: religious content is MY relationship with the Immutable. Not yours. You are free to believe or not believe as you choose. This is only my Way. And like all belief systems…it’s complicated :-)

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The universe metaphorically picked me up and hurled me into a wall or door yesterday. Two major asthma attacks and a demonic interception via my beautiful daughter.

The door is not open or I am yet to walk through it but it is there...waiting. I would ask that You oh Infinite One, oh Trickster One, oh Beloved One handle me like a fragile precious treasure. (👆🏻This Way Up, Handle with Care) instead of slamming me like a pinball machine ball every which way.

You, oh Source of all Existence and Manifester of alternate universes Know by now that I will always get up again. Or my angels will lift me up again by the hair of my Crone’s chinny chin chin (L’Chaim) if they have to.

So while you were creating new worlds and new potentialities (if not for me then for Whom!) I was supercharged and shaken and rolled. 😉

Love your Work. May I humbly request more beautiful spiritual revelations and unfoldments instead of bad health crises and vicious attacks.

I loved that blue butterfly visitor/messenger on New Years Day with Jarrod at Coochiemudlo Island. That was stunning and Blessèd.

Protect me from evil and those who have no pure intent towards me.

Let me find peace and joy in my own empowerment and be surrounded by truth, freedom and unconditional love.

Thank you Universes/ G-d/ Steven Hawking’s Gimp (that was a joke people, The Tanya is not dead yet), the goddesses and The Tanya.

Every day in every way we honour the G-d Within and the G-d Without.

22 March 2017

Exhausted. Leg hurts. But for now I am out of tooth pain. Let's hope that lasts.

I worked on my book for a few hours today. It was hard to concentrate as Beauregard kept trying to leap up on the coffee table where I keep the laptop and demanding my full attention. I also got a very sore neck as it is not very ergonomic but I am slowly making progress. I hope.

Little Charlie spent the day, whistling out to other Lorikeets in the trees. He played on his wooden perches with his toys. He seemed quite content except he would not sit on my hand.

I guess it will take a few days to get over the shock of moving to a new home. I gave him 2 grapes but he did not eat them. He did eat his egg and biscuit mix.

It rained most of the day but I have no complaints. The garden is rejuvenated.

22 March 2015

My grandkits are here!

One of the last times I get to spend time with them as I need $1000 to register the clown business in my name and pay for the permit. So bloody unfair! They will probably be rehoused at the Grantham Rabbit Sanctuary.

I will miss them and of course by keeping them with me, they would have been in Brisbane when/if Crystal came back to live here. So pissed off but gonna love those bunnies as long as we can! Grandma visitation rights are awesome.

22 March 2014

Early this evening, as I was getting dressed and made up for my big night out at Crystal's place, a woman came to conduct a radio survey with Crystal. I was totally amazed as she was a total stranger. She went right up to Ramon in his cage and he did not rebuff or snub her! He sniffed at her hand!

Wow! She must have some Good Energy as my grandson Brat Rabbit usually just ignores me at Crystal's and was only affectionate when he was one on one with Grandma while Crystal went on her Melbourne trip. Little varmint!

It turns out that the lady came from my home town in Wellington and she went to Marsden College. A very Posh School. She told me she had wanted to attend my school but her mother insisted on the private one. A good choice.

She is 10 years older than I so we wouldn't have run into each other at high school anyway. I have only very bad memories of being institutionalised with 30 girls per class, all bitches, and more than often all pmsing at the same time.

I did not enjoy being in that environment. The male teachers (all math teachers) either stunk bad and wore the same clothes every day, or had such long hairs on their hands that I demurred asking for help with maths (which I dearly needed as I could never get my head around numbers) as every time he put his hand down, with a slap on my workbook, I would start heaving with nausea. LOL. Sad but true.

One time I got so sick of the whole deal that I wagged school and went to Wellington High School (completely feral because the kids were co-educational and wore mufti). My idea of heaven although in many ways I was fortunate I did not have to be educated with boys in my classroom.

My friend Lynne, who was in her final year at Wellington High, helped smuggle me in. Seriously the standards were so slack they didn't even notice or care that they had a much younger kid in the graduating class for an entire morning, (until we buggared off to run amok at Oriental Bay). Sighhhh. My one rebellion, and it was worth it!

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I had a wonderful Friday. I had lunch with Sarah L. at Toombul. Then I went to Crystal's to get ready and she took me out for dinner to the Italian Club around the corner from where she lives.

The food was delicious, and the man singing and playing the piano accordion kind of tripped me out as Crystal was loving it, and the piano accordion had been my mother's favourite instrument. So I was looking into her eyes, and seeing my mother and trying not to freak out too much but gees, genetics can be scary. LOL.

In many ways it also reminded me of Uncle Cees who played guitar and would sing such corny lovesick and (disingenuous!) songs to my mother (the playboy) such as, "Lay your head upon my pillow" and other croony type garbage. When the Italian piano accordionist played Quando Quando and my daughter and I sang along happily, well I almost wished the ground would swallow me up.

Here I am going to Rock gigs and Blues fests and living la vida loca and stomping out my pain and frustration, my libido and my joy (depending on my mood at the time!) and my beautiful 28 year old daughter is living my fucked up parents' dream????! Oyyyyyy, Gevalt.

We will be back however. They tell us they will have dancing on Friday nights as well, but I will just go for the nice food and pleasant atmosphere then head out for my wild nights you know where.

After dinner, Crystal drove me to the Casino so I could enjoy Abby Skye belting out her rock mojo with Mission X. She was fantastic as usual and I was happy the Treasury Casino finally got wise and brought her back. I hope they keep bringing her back.

Then I went to Irish Murphy's and went completely wild to the music of Jabba, who are consistently awesome. I had a great time but boy, was I tired at the end of the night. Then I visited George the Busker but he was in one of his weird moods and shut me out, so I went to have a coffee at the kebab shop before heading home.

Some young man commented on me drinking coffee at 3 in the morning. I said, “Well, I am sober that is why, what else do sober people drink at this hour of the morning?” He said “Tequila with coffee”. I smiled, said, “All righty then”.

Then I walked to Adelaide St to get the Nightlink bus and was thoroughly pissed off at being stalked by 2 different Indian Taxidrivers asking me for a ride when I had not hailed them and was obviously going to catch a bus. So I told them to piss off, but one kinda made me nervous as he parked his taxi up near the bus stop and waited for me to walk up to where the city glider waits. (I was wearing my corset, big skirt and Docs so these creeps get ideas).

So I sat down out of his line of vision and waited for him to drive off before I walked to the actual bus stop where I stand. Creeepy!

I was glad to get to Crystal's place safely and then get my car and drive home. Boy, what a night!

…

7.24 am. Still not sleeping. I just took some Seroquel. That should Quell my mind and stop me feeling pain in my feet.

So many cool things happened last night. People were genuinely affectionate towards me which was lovely. Apart from one envious lump of a female who moshed onto me when I was in my Zone so I had to snap out of it and move away.

I had a good laugh when I was heading home to see the same cow trawling after a goodlooking young guy who had been dancing with me briefly but whom I told to his face that he was no good to me as he was too drunk!

They deserve each other! I just laughed my arse off. So that was why she was so vicious to me. I wasn't even interested in the guy. Wayy too young! Lol! As they say in England, "Nowt Queerer than Folk!"

22 March 2012

My Midewii Man friend sent me major healing last night after another heartache. I feel so calm and centred today. He really does do wonderful energy healing!

He's working with me so I can attract real, loving, decent, faithful, genuine men into my life so I get off the arsehole/timewaster merry go round. Frankly the way my Midewii can work with me and my energy, and my attitude, I should go to America and marry him!

His elder, a bona fide Medicine Man has advised him that I need Taming. I'll settle for calming, not sure I want to be completely Tame. Hahahah!

I am blessed to have amazing friends who are totally there for me when I am down and out for the count! You Rock!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons