Memories: 16 March 2023

16 March 2024

2:50 am home safe from an epic night, dancing for Ramjet at the Brooklyn Standard. However when I walked to my car, someone had backed into it and bent my number plate all out of shape.

They were decent enough to leave their phone number but I drove home safely so I think the only damage was done to the number plate. It could have been much much worse as my car is made out of plastic. I am grateful it was still drive-able. My poor “Ein Sof” is soldiering on as per usual.

In the club, I met a younger woman who is an auto electrician and mechanic by trade. She suggested I buy a van and travel all around Australia as a grey nomad. She says there is a fb group for over 40s, giving tips on how to get around Australia. Tempting but I could never risk losing my housing commission home and I don’t have money to buy a motor van anyway.

I met another woman who was very excited as she just got her freedom from a 26 year marriage. I told both women I was very proud of them. Both independent courageous free women.

The lady that just got her freedom, suggested to me that Juddy in Ramjet really likes me. I explained that he has a partner but I am liked because I have been dancing for both bands (Ramjet and Alter Egos) for 13 years! A very long time! I used to support all the other bands that played at the Treasury Casino too.

I almost stayed home tonight as I have been battling exhaustion all week but in true Tanya Style I pulled myself together and danced so wildly that I “flew”. I am so glad I managed to get in my zone and have a fabulous time.

Next weekend, I will attempt two nights…maybe! 🙂 I will be dancing for Alter Egos at a new venue. Koala Tavern. They will be playing Alternative rock so that should be another wild old time!

The magick will keep happening for as long as I can keep dancing. Music is Life. The Tanya is fending off her own health issues in a surrealist kind of denial lol. But I guess if I can build up stamina to dance both Friday and Saturday nights then I will get fitter. Maybe…

16 March 2023

Okay this is my failure today :-))) I used Mapp gas which melted the silver well (although it takes a bit longer than the Smith Little torch) but my mould must not be right as it only made half a ring and the silver did not travel to where the little raw rubies are in place.

Oh well…better luck next time. I did manage to season my new larger crucible. So that is my success for the day. Swings and roundabouts @titaniasrealm.

I will persevere. I kinda like melting silver now. Overcame that fear at least. Now I just need to get the flow right! #titaniasrealm #casting #sterlingsilver #castingstonesinplace #rawrubies #delftclaycasting #wahhhhhh #betterlucknexttime #thejourneyofathousandmilesstartswithasinglestep #goingmyway?

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https://youtu.be/9EkgvRWKnRM

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I feel a bit better today. Thank the gods. It’s still scathing hot. But my emotions are lighter. I made another long video for YouTube. Talking…talking…processing.

But all good. Life is good! What’s left of it.

16 March 2019

I just got back from Carindale shopping centre where I met up with Crystal. People were walking around like shell-shocked zombies only freshly re-enervated. Some were aggressive and others were barely alive. Weird fucking vibe.

It does not help much that I abhor supermarkets. But I sauntered along with my daughter who was buying some groceries. She did not want me to drive her home so went back to her place by bus. All good.

I am glad to be home. Psy Sighs :-)

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I am sitting outside with Beauregard and Charlie. It is sprinkling with much desired rain. The air is cool and sweet and rejuvenating after the recent heatwaves.

Little Bobo is bringing me his ball and teasing me with chasing it then only reluctantly bringing it back to my chair. He smiles when he sees me, waiting patiently for the ball of delight. He too, is enjoying the coolness as the heat wore him down too.

The neighbourhood is quiet. I feel cossetted by Supernal love, gently caressing my soul as I have been processing so much grief that I could easily turn to a pillar of salt.

Last night I went out into the world and explored Contact Improvisation with Luke and another young gentleman at Ecstatic Dance. It was interesting and rather sweet, and comforting- playing with other humans, energetically (and platonically) learning trust. I had anxiety about it. I rarely dance in tandem. So there was much healing and gentleness in the playful contact.

I have closed myself off for a very long time. It is hard to let people in. Especially men. So together we heal our aspects of our Self.

I feel like a tightly-wound top that has unravelled and spun itself out. I am rather exhausted but satisfied with my journey to wholeness so far. I am beginning to find a new locus. It’s like bearing a strange fruit.

I wonder what is in store for me? Perhaps more of my own Becoming. Safe. Free. Joyous. Loved. Peaceful.

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1:11pm. I am Soul-tired of living in a world where people are so vicious to each other. Tired after surviving 5 and half decades of putrescence.

But here we are. I am building a new paradigm. One day at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out. Greet the day and soak myself in beauty. I love Me. I love you.

We will manifest a fair and just and decent society. We shall beat our swords into plowshares. This is not only my hope but my expectation. My exaltation.

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An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I am descended from a culture that slaughtered millions of human beings to aggrandise one man’s maniacal vision of white supremacy. The Aryans. The irony that he was a short, dark haired, misogynistic Freak is not lost on me. But he managed to conduct a nation and half of Europe into a bloodletting savage machinery that still leaves ripples of horror 2 generations later.

Nazism, Racism, Fascism, Misogyny, still leach out into our culture and good people are still aligning with the abusers out of dispossessed fear.

Islamophobia is another form of this hatred and disintegration with our humanity.

I refuse to live in fear of other humans. Too many have already tried to kill me. But each time I got up off the ground, and reconfigured my body and mind and I grew stronger. It was a work in progress. It took decades. Lots of therapy and the staunch love of a few rare and precious friends.

In the darkest times of my life I was surrounded by Angels in human form, and no doubt in the etheric forms as well.

So I just love it how abusers deem me mad and condescend me. But I exist not to highlight their own ignorance and hate but to reflect back all that I am. I shine in spite of you. Always have, always will.

16 March 2018

16 March 2017

16 March 2016

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I had my debrief with my psychiatrist today. He noticed I am high as a kite from my first dose of Prednisone and worries I will crash and burn in a few days so if that happens I am to ring him.

He told me that he too thinks I should write my book about my experiences in my life with my cascading traumas as it would be very helpful to other people. He said I write so well and my combination of strength and vulnerability is very attractive to people and comes across in my writing. He says even in the few emails I have written him to describe what happened at the casino, for example, he was struck that I have a real ability there.

I will see how I go. First I have to beat back this chest complaint and then focus on writing something every day.

I told him how my beautiful friend had visited and loaned me the rego money today. He said "That is Love". I said "I know. I am truly blessed with loving caring friends of longstanding".

I am truly grateful and happy today. I walked over to the Transport Dept after my session and had to go to a temporary van. There was nowhere secure to tie Bobo to, except the front steps to the van.

There were staff outside. They freaked out as he cried so much and tried to climb the steps into the van to be with me. So the big guy stood next to him and dog-sat him until I could be served. I thanked him.

I think Bobo sensed their stress about him being tied so close to the steps so that is why he acted out. I tied him up outside Trade Secret as I ran in to buy a waterproof mattress cover for the car so when Bobo pees it won't get into the seat. He was totally fine when I came out. Funny guy!

We went to the vet and bought Milbemax for his heartworm and had a quick look at the pet shop. Then we walked back across Kessels Road (8 lanes of traffic). He was good crossing the road. We hopped back in the now legal car and drive home. My cough is bad again so resting time!

16 March 2014

Feeling indescribable grief and humiliation. I guess I danced too long and too hard to heal my inner and outer worlds. I gave away too much of myself, my heart, my mind, now left feeling empty, voided and purged. Fuck it. It's my own fault for having a fantasy I was cared about and appreciated and valued. I won't make that mistake again, in a hurry.

I think I am avoiding Life, in much the same way as I did for 20 years as a death-like zombie. The effects are the same, only I dance, and leap about, and mother everyone and try to make sense out of nonsense. My busker friend George tonight told someone who was denied entrance to the casino to talk to me as I was a good counsellor.

Sweet! I'm a middle-aged fucktard with no career, no hope, no money and no fucking future, who dances like a teenager (as I had no real adolescence growing up with psychopaths) and I must look like a fool and a crazy person, but hey, you get that.

A deaf man I met tonight told me that at 49 I must be mad to hang around pubs and clubs. I agreed, totally. Little does he know how Mad.

How I cling to any semblance of conviviality and joy and zest for life and music and dancing. How a Jack Daniels, (or two!), a live band, dancing and being surrounded by people who also embrace Life, nourishes my soul in a significant way that is almost fucking spiritual. Or would be, if I didn't look such a fool.

In the Tarot, The Fool (Clown) is on the beginning of his journey, about to leap into the abyss, and free-fall who knows where. I am free-falling, between worlds, between even this world where I am a freak and a weirdo (to quote lyrics from a song!)

There is No Aphrodisiac Like Loneliness (my ringtone lol), there's a fine line between pleasure and pain, and if you do it once you will do it again, (how very fucking borderline!)

I could crash my car, go under a train, fall in love and do it all again, but I'm over it. I don't know what else I can do, but enjoy my own brand of insanity.

I don't want to be pitied or patronised. I don't want to be a freak of society, it wasn't my lifeplan, you know! I had great hopes for my adult life. I was going to be safe, comfortable financially, and loved.

Is it my fault I can't achieve these things? Truly??? Well I am safe! As long as I dance alone, like nobody is watching, and don't give a fuck! That is the only way to fly.

Well ironically, my affirmations have been, "I am loving, worthy of great love and loveable". Well, one out of 3 aint bad. I am still a loving woman, for a Fool. It's all good.

Meet you somewhere sometime, swinging between the Sephirot, with my broken leaky Klippot, and my wry sense of humour. Not sure when, or how, or why, but it could happen? Destiny calls... my chariot awaits. Oh that's right, no easy ticket out of this life. Just more arduous suffering and a few laughs along the way.

Well I got to enjoy the last year and a half. Tomorrow is another day, and hope springs eternal. Whatever!

From the comment section:

Thanks my Beautiful friends. I love you!

I am just exhausted by life and I know it's all rather pointless. I am trying so hard to be Loved by men who really Fear me as I am unusual and strong, and non-compliant and "exciting" so what can they do, but crush my spirit as you can only destroy a fragile beautiful thing by trampling it.

They don't understand that Fire will only ever rekindle from smoke and ashes as long as there is a tiny spark of the Divine, a tiny ember to breathe Life into, and when that happens the fire burns quick and fast and sometimes furious, but it needs Fuel to keep it going!

Thank you for being the fuel to my radiant iridescent spiritual 'fire'. My blowers in the wind, my impetus, my motivators and my blessings.

You ennoble me and remind me of the other forms of unconditional love. Thank you for nourishing a tired embattled soul that has seen too much of her burning Mojo and celebrates it anyway.

For me, mojo is not just about sex appeal or lust or attraction, it is also Mana/lifeforce/spirit/Power. It is about Chi! It's about Light and dark intermeshed in the Dance of Life and Death! It's about Survival and thriving and Glory.

It's what I most often fail in, as I am doomed from cradle to grave but I must find other ways as men are not capable of providing the sweet comfort I crave. And I would not crave it if the fairy stories, the mythology of Romance, were not a mirage of Denial to keep the lost, dazed and angry into a Web of seduction until we die, knowing there is no real love for some of us.

So we grit our teeth (which shatter like glass in the sands of time for blood and bone are also fucking Temporary!), we perspire, inspire, conspire, create empires out of broken dreams, then when time runs out of our veins, bones, hearts and minds, we expire!

We can only hope to hand over the shield to the next warrior Shield Maiden or Matron and breathe our last gasp with a smile and a kiss and a mischievous wink for the young must live and learn by making their own mistakes and the wise must once again Journey into the Folly of a new Paradigm to be Free.

We are forever united in the Dance! Whether we dance alone, dance with many, or watch from the sidelines, whether we are the bright luminescent stars in the stage playing, fiercely and passionately or the quiet semi-comatose drunk in the dark corner. The Dance goes on. Then we lie down and dream the Dream again 🙂.

Welcome to the Boulevarde of psychedelic dreamer's broken dream. It was Los dios del Muertos, Carnivale, and Mardi Gras. It was hot passion, mixed with Booze, Hope and Joie de Vivre, it was stunningly awe-inspiringly Beautiful. It was Honesty, vibrancy and Bliss. Perhaps it will be again?

At the end of a long emotional night while I waited for the bus as my friend chose a man over me as a woman must do, lol. I was silently watched over by my dwarvish stalker friend. I did not speak to him nor him me.

He watched me sadly, watching my light seep out of me as he knows what unique suffering we “freaks” endure. Lol! At one point he leant his tiny but stocky frame against the glass panel opposite to my seat on the bus bench. He wants me to be his woman. Maybe I should?

If he didn't stalk me every time I am out and grab at my crotch I would have given him a chance by now! He is sweet, lonely but a tad depraved. Such is Man! Lmao!

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Sherry, I am happy in my own skin. I am a short fat Hobbit Woman who loves Dwarves and Elves and chases Dragons for their Animus and Gold and Talent then gets slayed by the Muggles as they just don't Get Me or want me so they Fake their connection to me and that is why I suffer.

I love who I am in spite of the fact that I am nothing and noone and no man claims for his true love.

I am like the Precious! Everyone wants to own it but noone dares as they fear the heavy responsibility of sharing my life and my home and my world. So men take what men want and I slip and slide like mercury, reforming, regrouping and pool my own resources to go on to thrive another day.

So I will sit on my heap of spiritual gold (this is my only Value!) and guard my heart and mind while lesser mortals grow some spine and realise what they lost.

I will wait for the man who is genuine to take me as his partner and will lead me into the dance of Love without games or cowardice or hypocrisy.

If he never comes. I will be Fine. Just fine! I have me, after all.

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Debz I suffered from that for years. 19 years later and I still have to fight for myself, every single day. I finally get to have fun and be happy and people are envious and try to humiliate me. I won't let them though.

I love myself so much that I know I did not deserve the stranglings, the attacks, personal violations, the abuse, abuse, abuse, not as a child, not as a wife and daughter and not as a mother, and even now I won't accept abuse as a would-be lover, or friend or anything. Too old, too aware, too tired of bs.

Debz, you are an incredibly beautiful vibrant woman, a survivor and a soon to be Thriver like me. You know and I know we can do this! We have done it, and we've beaten worse shit than mr or ms average can even imagine, and if we have to, we will beat that shit again and again until we are, well, Shitless! lol.

I just had an emotional shedding as I wore myself out, and I see things with a clarity that is distressing and disturbing to my heart and soul when I do that.

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I'm in a much calmer state of mind and happier, after spending the evening with my daughter, Crystal, my best male friend, Jarrod and my little man-dog mate who adores me, Harvey and the elusive Grandson who did not even cuddle me but was there, being a bloke, hopping around at my feet, feigning disaffection.

Together we watched Frozen, which is wonderful and just what I needed after feeling disappointed with my romantic life. (What romantic life??? ) and that movie synchronistically reminded me what I have always known... The Sisterhood is where women draw courage, and strength and real support.

The Vikings knew it, which is why they treated women as equals, let them fight as warriors and let them be free to live amongst men without judgement (unless they were slaves, then they were just abused!) As Free Women, Debz, we have to take up our shields and never lay down with men who are weaker than us, or liars, or cowards as they just make us sick to our very souls and the pain is not worth it.

Better to carry our banner with pride and dignity and fight for our honour and integrity and if we fall in love, let it be with a man who is loving, kind and real with us. We have proven that nothing less than that can ever make us happy. Our power comes from Knowing what we Deserve and then getting it.

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Yup but men don't like women they can't control or 'handle'. I should know 🙂 …been outcast for a long time and am going to remain so.

16 March 2012

I chatted to two married men on Paltalk until almost 1 am. They were hilarious, and we made fun of each other all night. It was so much fun! Hahha.

My aching hand actually feels better today after I put deep heat on it and just kept typing. Madness! Hahhah. One of my new friends is in Darwin, and the other is a Canadian living in England. I haven't laughed so much in ages, so it did my heart the power of good.

16 March 2011

I slept until 2 pm, only getting up in the morning to hurriedly dress and move outdoor furniture for the lawnmowing man, then went back to bed. I spent the afternoon and early evening in the garden, pottering around. I felt weak and sweaty, and had a bit of asthma, it even was hard to drag myself up the stairs. This depression is killing me LOL. At least I got some fresh air today.

I took Miss Bella Rosa Arons for a quick walk in the forest too. She couldn't believe her luck! Then I gave her a big bone and some steak I'd had in the freezer for a long time and don't fancy eating myself. The cats and Bella thought it was, well, Purim!

The good thing I've achieved today is I've almost finished cutting paper out to use as backing for my Printer's tray. It's all looking very nice.

16 March 2009

Crystal's performance as Gonzalo in The Tempest was awesome! The show was great and enjoyed by all.

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Soon it will be Pesach and my birthday...life is passing me by and still I haven't reached my full potential...so depressing.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons