Memories: 11 March 2023

11 March 2024

I woke up from intense dreams about Suzy and Tom Van Der Kwast! They appeared to me as very handsome couple in their early 40s. Both tall and elegant Dutch people whom I knew from Wellington NZ who owned “Suzy’s Coffee Lounge”. I worked for them as a teenager.

The dream was in bright technicolor: real life aspects. They invited me into their home which was full of modern-type glass structures with lots of antique wooden furniture. It was beautiful and full of light and warmth.

They showed me their wine collection and had walls full of glasses (which kind of amused me as it looked like a bar!) but I complimented them on their valuable acquisitions.

Suzy announced that they were selling the house but I was invited to visit them in their new home. I was quite thrilled about this.

I was even thrilled to be seeing their current home. The logical part of my brain told me “You didn’t know them when they lived here or when they were this young” but I replied it didn’t matter as it was dream. So I stayed in the dream, trying to glean more meaning or information.

I woke up with my 7 am alarm (very reluctantly!) as I had a bad night of peeing and interrupted sleep. But I have my appointment at the Mater Public urologist so there is that.

So I’ve had a shower, washed my hair and so it’s time to hit the ground running!

…

At Coffee Club at Mater Hill. I have been booked in for a urodynamics test so then they can decide what’s the next best treatment for my bladder over activity. Very likely Botox. Yayy! An end to this constant struggle is in sight.

The nurse practitioner informed me the testing will be conducted by my female urologist Dr Hirst and all female nurses. So I will be in good hands. 🙂 Quote: “We will be gentle with you”. What a relief, after the abject horror of the other two public hospitals who chronically systemically abused me.

I feel a bit safer and reassured. 5% risk of retention with the Botox which would only be temporary for 6-8 weeks. Great! I feared that being a permanent condition. 15 % risk of getting a bladder infection. (I remember well the Mater gifting MRSA to a woman who had delivered a baby years ago when my own mother was on there with lockjaw from tetanus. That young mother almost died.)

So fingers crossed I don’t get any infections. Hopefully “The Divine Feminine” the Shechinah, the “Mater” Mother of us all will indeed be gentle with me and scrupulously clean and clear 🙂

…

Waiting for bus home! Had to put money on my Go Card as will be back here on Wednesday to see my private urologist. I felt lightheaded so bought some Jelly Bellies as well. Need a sugar hit. So tired!

11 March 2023

I went to Stones Corner (following urges by spirit). I had a good look around in all the secondhand shops there.

In the last shop I found some interesting wooden bowls and ornamental Dutch clogs. The red lidded bowl came from Krakow, Poland. I thought it was lovely!

I think the other two timber bowl could be used for yarn bowls. I gave them a good polish with wood seasoning and warmed them in the oven (so the seasoning oils could seep in).

…

This morning I sold a vintage round light globe. The man who bought it was very happy as he is creating a 1920s piano bar and wanted the light to replace one he had broken.

He said he’d been searching everywhere. I sold it for only $20, so he got a bargain too. It made me happy that he was appreciative and it went to a good home.

Moving the stale energy and clutter out of my home feels good too.

11 March 2021

I just got home from attending a lecture at the CG Jung Society. It was my first time going there and as usual I was racked with anxiety. I arrived just as the lecture was about to begin. (Lost time on the hectic drive to Main Street Kangaroo Point).

I walked in the door after a moment’s hesitation, and couldn’t see anything because my glasses steamed up after moving from my air conditioned car to the summer oestros even though it’s cooler now.

The two women taking the money were kind but were trying not to laugh at me. I leaned over and said “it’s my first time here and I can’t see a bloody thing as my glasses have steamed up!” I struggled to get the ten dollars in coins I had purloined from my money box out of my purse. But grateful for the concession as I had thought it was $15!

The room was full, so I quickly grabbed a seat and almost fell into it as the edge of it was curved. Ouch. The Tanya always a Klutz! I was consumed by an anxiety-driven hot flush so had to dig inside my bag for my fan. Gahhh!

The lecture was called “coincidences in literature” and was about how writers utilise coincidences to enrapture their audience. The lecturer kept staring at me which I found a tad unsettling. I thought to myself “ahh I must be in his focal point!” And tried to ignore it.

He was a PhD in philosophy and spoke eloquently. I really enjoyed the lecture. Halfway in he spoke about Dostoyevsky “the Komassarof Brothers” and then Boris Paternek the author of Dr Zhivago.

He mentioned that his parents had been born in Shanghai having escaped communist Russia in the Revolution. (White Russians I thought to myself...) so this in part explained why he had stared at me so frequently. My Slavic albeit Polish features!!! Delightful.

He mentioned other books too like Flaubert’s Parrot, A transit of Venus. And some title called a coincidence something which eludes me.

In the break to get tea and refreshments they told us the church (St Mary’s) was giving books away so I greedily went to gather some. I chose “the tattooist of Auschwitz” which I had a strange feeling I have already read...or perhaps seen the movie more likely.

There were other men hovering, wanting to choose books so I quickly grabbed another one called “the huntress” and had a wry smirk at the synchronicity and my entitlitis right there! But there were plenty of books and is it really “entitled” if I love books and so was one of the first to choose two of them?! Who can resist free books?

Then I went to grab a cup of tea and two women approached me. One was just as colourfully dressed as I (she wore shades of purple and was quite pretty). I think she might have been the lecturer’s wife but I am not sure.

But oddly she commented that she admired my bracelet. I had my torc on and my leather bracelet. I motioned towards the leather bracelet but she said “no the metal one... it feels...powerful. Where did you get it?” I was astonished that she was feeling into my torc!

I replied “oh, my Viking torc? Yes, my daughter bought it for me in Glastonbury and you are correct that was her intention for me...to own my own power!”

The woman replied “does it work?”

I replied cheekily “well yes of course, I think you would find my power quite delightful!” She and her friend blanched slightly.

A typical Tanya faux pas...acting more confidant and Power-Full than I really am and coming across a tad narcissistic! Fuck I thought! Fuck! I can’t take myself out anywhere. Even more need to form my own social group!

A young pacific island woman came to sit with me. It turned out she came from Wellington too! She is 24 and has been here 12 years. She was warm and friendly. Her older friend who was 51 didn’t seem to like me much. Oh well. The lecture resumed briefly but most people had left. The lecturer looked at me again.

I wonder? What is it about me that attracts so much attention when I just want to curl up in a ball but force myself out into the world?

Still in all I enjoyed the lecture and probably will attend another one. It was nice to be learning something again! Given how I was harried out of university as a teenager by rape threats. Yuck!

I am opening myself up to the idea that I could always go back to study one day, even at this late late stage of my life...if only I had the energy and the Will and the money to do it!

Who knows?! Funny that those women should be so drawn by my Viking torc though. Shared ancestry? Curiosity? An attempt to connect with me via flattery?

And all jokes and sardonic self-effacement aside, my Power is De-Light-full! Even if only to the gods.

The lecturer made a valid point that if we are not circumspect and a bit humble we can get lured by coincidences into thinking that we are on the right path when really they are false coincidences set by trickster gods that actually cause us to fall off our perch. I nodded sagely. Been there got the fucking t-shirt.

But everyday my Angels remind me of Time slipping under my Hobbitses feet.

Constant 11:11 synchronicities and 1:11 and other numbers too. Sometimes other signs that are just so startling that I have to stop to catch my breath.

Something is stirring and shifting inside me. The timelines... the fates. I need only be patient. Allow my tribe to come!

…

11:11 am on 11 March. What does it mean? Love from the Supernal realms. I am on my right path...wherever that leads...onwards and upwards!

11 March 2018

Thank you G-d, the angels, Karen, Jenny and Morris for another wild joyous crazzzy night. I am so lucky to have you in my life.

I had a lovely long chat with Nigel this evening also.

Thanks to Louise who had a chat with me during the week also!

I am very blessed with beautiful friends in my life. My gorgeous cousins, (Melvyn messaged me tonight also) and my daughter, whom I shall see on Monday with Jarrod.

11 March 2017

I am having a post Modern, post epic-Zombie-dancing in the night, post-menopausal, poste-haste, postulant post love addiction gone wrong (as is my usual default state) breakdown.

I am writing love texts from the edge to a giant vacuous pit that thrives on my torment. Ridiculous. Absurd. Yet it reveals to me the great work I still have to complete on my ever-broken heart.

It is a gift that could only be wrought by the unrequited, the unloveable and unlovely. For that I am grateful. The man who broke me into a million pieces must watch me reunite myself. Reinvigorate myself. Bloom.

Fuck You Daddy. Hahahaha! Do you know whom I could have been if I had been loved in a genuine way just once in my childhood???

But the time to blame my parents has passed. I have to shape up or ship out or discombobulate my soul in a thousand paradigmical universes in a thousand worlds of The Tanya clawing back my true love, sanity, sanctity and prosperity in a reverse engineered mirage on a broken mirrored disco ball. Catch myself if I can before I fall into Oblivion.

I am suffused, infused and confused with a deep abiding great love that burns my heart and mind and soul like a smoking tattoo gun in infinite tiny retractions, to create a picture so complex and so beautiful that it can only be seen by the Holy One in its entirety.

He hates me. The Holy One. Or He could not let me become this giant fool of a Wise Woman in development.

This lost cause. This writhing passionate Zombie woman-child. This greatness thrust upon me and seeded to the 7th echelon of Hell and Paradise. Stuck in the middle with you.

Perhaps He loves me too. Infinite potential. Seeping through my hair and hands and feet. Mind to Mind. Time and space perpetuating perfect alignment. A Magic so profound and so humbling. My body weakly resonating the largeness of You.

No accidents in the universe. All is a gift of the Divine. A cosmic joke or a cosmic yoke but bespoken in a language that is only Love. Life's dreaming. Seeking. Being.

Excuse me while I have a little scream now. Streaming, flying free and furious, foisted on Fate's fancies but fêted by those who Know.

My God and Goddess, I LOVE YOU.

…

3.19 am. Home from an awesome night out with my beautiful friend Jenny. Ramjet played and were fantastic. I am now in a hot bath.

On the way home from dropping Jenny off, I almost ran into a fox with a hare or possum in its mouth. It ran into whites hill reserve behind me.

When I got home I ran to check on my chickens. Everyone safe. Thank god. It was a beautiful fox. Not russet but shades of brown.

…

Thank you Jenny. You are my sister of dance, passion and light. I loved how you connected to me when we danced to Zombie. I felt our souls merge in the streaming consciousness. It was beautiful.

Thank you to all my beautiful friends who See me and love me and who have blessed me in so many ways. Some material (27 computers since 1995! Clothing, meals, drinks). Some spiritual (love, so much love, acceptance, sage advice, picking me up when I fell, even by my hair and throwing me back into the fray).

Lending me money to survive another day, or move house to keep me and my children safe, working for me in the background when I was under yet another attack from Evil entities seen and unseen until I questioned my own mind and raison d'etre.

Forgiving me when I too fell into suspicion/paranoia/fear/ fury and hugging me when I cried. Sharing my laughter in my few profound joys. Defending my spirit and my body and my right to take up some space on this planet.

Ennobling me and giving me the tools to fight, to love, to create and to dance and to Be.

There are times when I know I have been a burden. Burnt some of you out. Sometimes you could not understand my plight. Sometimes we took a few extended mental health breaks from Each other.

Some of my Beloveds left my life forever. Some have never left me.

I love you and thank you all for the great gifts of yourselves you have all brought to my life. I could not be here without you.

Blessed Be from Here to eternity and back again.

11 March 2016

11.32 pm. Going to bed early. So hoping that I will be strong enough to attend Mojo Burning tomorrow. I guess I will go for a few hours and try to pace myself. I am looking forward to the usual wildness.

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Just got to talk to Crystal on Skype. She is now living in Croydon. Loving London.

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Tomorrow I have to park my car up for 2 months until my next advance. Pity I can't sell the Lladro but taking buses for a few months won't kill me. Poverty stinks, stresses and fucks my vibe.

It has been an intimate companion since I left my awful marriage 21 years ago. Mind you, all my "house-keeping" money went on fees for Sinai College. My ex financially abused me back then. 11 years of not having money but appearing to be rich. Ironic.

Then I went into steep decline after he screwed me out of my house and business and then property settlement (I got $5000 plus my little Mazda 121 which was a company car and I had to fight to keep it then struggle to pay its rego/insurance and services for the next 18 years). Then to top it off I had to go bankrupt for $9000 when he refused to pay child support.

My mother was wealthy but coerced me to go bankrupt with her con man husband. Decades later I found I could not get power of attorney due to being a former bankrupt. That bastard Buck Scherer had planned it all along. I was so stressed and traumatised, that I gave in to their pressure and went bankrupt, to free myself of harassment from credit companies.

Optus refused to accept my bankruptcy and let me keep my phone and account and let me clear my debt. I am always grateful for their support and compassion in my darkest times.

So having a car from my one and only inheritance is a luxury I can't really afford but after years of abuse and more evil bullshit than you can throw a stick at, I need my freedom of movement.

My friend Sally was so marvellously generous to me last year. She paid for my full year of rego. That gave me a year of driving without stress. Thank you Sally.

This year I will stand on my own 2 feet and wait a few months. I have done this many times before. I do not ask for money but I am grateful for the help I received over the years at various times, like Sally last year and years ago Michelle Briner who lent me rego money after my mother and husband set me up and lured me to mum's house with the promise of giving me the rego money so I could keep driving my kids to Sinai College.

But when I arrived my mother started screaming at me in the street that all I ever wanted was money (a terrible lie as I had been financially stable prior to the separation), that I had arrived too late to go to the bank (I arrived straight after taking the kids to school, by 9.30 am, so this made no sense).

She screamed and ranted at me. I cried and yelled back, why are you doing this to me? Her neighbours from several houses came out to stare. They believed her lies that I was a wicked grasping daughter.

I got in the car and drove home to my rented unit and broke down. Again! This was a few months after I had been attacked and strangled but my mother and former husband both, upon seeing my welts around my throat, the vivid bruising and my swollen glands declared that they wished they had beaten me years ago, and more often. I threw Gisela out of my house.

She feigned making peace with me, only to further humiliate me over needing money for the rego to get my girls to school. At that point Micheal was still running our business (into the ground) and he could easily have afforded to pay the rego, to get the kids to school but he refuse. Mum refused after setting me up.

As serendipity can happen, a woman from shule rang me during my distress when I got home. She in turn, rang Michelle Briner and Michelle met me at the school car park with the loan of the rego money.

She asked me not to tell her husband. I gave her back the money as soon as I got the next advance. 3 months later.

So women (and a few good men) have been helping me survive financially for over 21 years.

So I am grateful. I will wait for the advance. All good.

…

Resting this arvo. I had a bad coughing fit. Brought phlegm up off my chest and sinus. Coughed so hard I now have a headache. I picked up Annette from her procedure at the RBH. Both of us girls need to rest.

…

Finally sitting down, lathered in sweat after vacuuming my filthy kitchen floor. I intended to mop after but got sidetracked as I left the water running in the sink so flooded all around the sink and bottom cupboards and half the kitchen floor. Lucky the water did not reach the vacuum cord.

Oh well, less floor to mop. I will still have to mop it thoroughly later. I have had to clean out my flooded kitchen cupboards, empty out bowls, pits and pans. What an epic task.

I just want to lie down to die but at least the kitchen floor is halfway clean lol.

I have almost reached a point in life where I will need a carer. If I am not leaving the gas on, I am flooding the kitchen. Ridiculous. I am so annoyed with myself.

11 March 2015

6.03pm. I got woken at 5 pm by the neighbourhood children reclaiming their soccer ball on one side. Then when I went out to bring in the washing, the sweet little ones from across the road came over with their young father to visit the kitten and look at the chooks.

We had a nice chat and I joked about being smelly (I was still in my dressing gown with my hair doing the Medusa dance off my head - all greasy and crazy looking).

I swear noone ever bothers with me when I am well-groomed and coiffed to perfection! Which is why I like to put up selfies of me after I am back from the hairdresser. To prove I scrub up just fine occasionally ;-).

So here I sit, freshly showered, wrapped in a towel, watching the afternoon fade with the sleeping sun, facebooking.

The dog aint coming. It's owner changed their minds. Annoying and disappointing. Oh well, shit happens. I will wait for the right dog at the right time.

The little kids were clairvoyant. The 5 year old asked me where the dog was? They had no way of knowing that I was expecting to get a dog today! Then she said randomly "Do you have a Dad?"

This blew my mind as only yesterday Jarrod found out that my estranged father has been house-sitting on a farm in Stanthorpe and was looking after 3 race horses!

I said "Everyone has a Dad. Mine ran away!" She said "Don't you like him?" I said "No, not anymore but I loved him like a god when I was your age". Their father said to them " I will never run away!" I said,"no, your daddy is a good daddy he will never leave you or harm you!"

The children smiled happily. Lucky children. How I wish I had been blessed with such luck and a genuinely loving Family of Origin. The more they abused me, the more I loved them. Now it's over. I am Done.

It was rather odd that for the past few months I have been craving to go horse riding and wishing I had a horse like when I was a teenager.

Seems the old man has been sending out vibes. Our family was sick but all the same very telepathic and psychic. To think what good they could have done with their abilities instead of so much narcissism, sociopathology and general evil.

If they had merely chosen to be kind, respectful and protective. Money was their god, status and having a man at any price, even the safety of their children.

Motherfuckers!

Yet here I am. Left with so few happy memories of those people.

A survivor. Hoping to thrive, staying alive.

…

6.20 am. Been outside, sun gazing. I managed not to melt. I feel lovely. Still need to schluff though!

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5.13 am. Laila Tov/Boker tov. (good night/good morning).

I must sleep before I meet the new man in my life. I don't know his name yet but I bet he gives me a big wet sloppy kiss and looks deep into my soul with his big brown eyes.

A maltese terrier! (I can't seem to manifest a Human Male Life partner. My love-life has long ago gone to the dogs).

I did ask for a Real Love though and Dog (and cat!) love is as Real as I will ever get! Lmao

11 March 2014

12.38 am. Penny is lying beside me on the couch, snoring contentedly but loudly with a very fat stomach. She is currently eating a tin and a half a day.

Today I bought a week's supply of cat food with the last of my money. I'll have to ration her a bit as I don't get paid until Tuesday 18th March. LOL! She is worth every bit of it though. Such an Awesome Friend!

For my late night 'dinner' I cooked up some sausages. They weren't great but they satisfied me also. We are doing well, Miss Penny and I. Slowly but surely we are getting by, with heaps of help from our friends and my beautiful daughter. Life is Good!

11 March 2013

11.32 pm Baking a Dutch Almond Cake from a stolen recipe from a childhood friend's mother who refused to share the recipe. Ahh the sweet taste of revenge. (Only if the cake turns out good! Sometimes I think she sabotaged that recipe, knowing one of her sprogs would steal it and give it to me ahhah)

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Yesterday only four hours sleep. Today, just under 8 hours. Still in bed feeling weary but relaxed. I am getting my hair done today.

I was woken very early by a pesky fly which now I am fully awake has mysteriously left me alone! I need to buy fly spray for tonight so I can have a decent sleep.

11 March 2012

I had a nice weekend in spite of being let down again by my Gladstone prospective partner who is now removed off my Pal list as an unreliable teasing arsehole. One of my irons in my quest for relationship fire who has just poked himself in his own eye, which is sad cos I had high hopes for him.

Now I just have to raise my Hopes for ME to get through all the hurt and disappointments. I got some interesting attention from a guy on the weekend, who seems keen, as he tweaked my nipple LMAO.

Old younger Tanya would have punched him right in the face, but now I see the humour in my lack of finding a man who is respectful, genuine and loving towards me. It's never going to happen as it's never happened before...so Tweak my Nipple, or stand me up or go underground, my unsuitable Suitors from all walks of life can go and get fucked. I own my own Nipples...and if I need any tweaking....that will be for me lmao.

Bon Jovi Tribute Band at Greenbank RSL was awesome last night. I danced to all their songs, and a timely reminder to honour the fact that "IT'S MY LIFE AND IT'S NOW OR NEVER, COS I'M NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER...." (I used to sing that to my evil toxic mother and it used to drive her nuts hahhahah).

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Mavis and Mervyn visited and brought Miss Bella Rosa heaps of doggie goodies and essentials and home cooked dinners. We all had a lovely afternoon together and Gail visited too. It was nice to catch up again :).

11 March 2011

I had my hair done yesterday. I feel fabulous! Life is good. Time to go to bed, so I can enjoy more of my life tomorrow.

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Quote of today, a classic - To little Aali, age 3, "Wow Aali, you're the luckiest little girl in the world, you have everything you ever wanted!" a pause, then "Are you happy?"

A very serious frown and the sardonic response as only a child can. "Nooooo!". Lyn and I almost died laughing. There you have it, outta the mouths of babes. Gorgeous child, already a philosopher.

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Murky muggy hot day to match my sludgy mood. Had blood test today. Hopefully all will be clear. Will need to find a new gp to get my results. Not going back to that bastard doctor.

He was so good to my exbf when I took him to see him a year ago. I think he must hate women, cos his treatment of me was so shabby!

Oh well, dr shopping again, and sifting through the crap takes so much energy and time.

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There must be a storm coming in the next hour or two. I'm feeling very fractious. If I had money I'd be driving all over brisbane, feeling wild and free. (Storm behaviour lol). I can feel the barometric pressure in my solar plexus. Isn't middleage wonderful - I've become a weather witch, thanks to my achy bones and heart LOL.

…

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Tsunami warning in 7 hours for North Coast of NZ, Auckland - Te Reinga region.

11 March 2010

We all gave Gisela the best "Goodbye" yesterday and even today I am still feeling very peaceful and happy for her that her Spirit is at Rest and I know the love we shared will be Eternal. You really can't ask for more than that.

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I wish to express my gratitude to all my friends who were able to attend either/or or both Mum's funeral today and her Minyan tonight. I really appreciate the gifts of love, emotional support, kindness and the sharing of food for the "wake". You all helped to make Mum's departure a joyous and truly spiritual occasion. G-d Bless you all!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons