Memories: 16 November 2023

16 November 2023

16 November 2022

My new Dremel arrived. And yes I am intimidated by it like I am with all new tools/computers/electronics. I have a serious phobia/anxiety which I will have to push through until I learn how to use the tool effectively.

My other cheap drill died. So I needed a better one. I am both excited and terrified.

It’s kinda insane but such is my lifetime of cognitive damage.

I still need to buy the Little Smith torch and gas set up but I am wavering as it’s a large amount of money to outlay and my fear of failure is overwhelming me.

I also still need to service the car so will need to prioritise that. Arghhh. But I am thrilled with my new drill. Slowly gathering the resources I need to create jewellery with. Yayy!

If only I could quell my nervous system.

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I am feeling very strange. Like one of those fractalised Mandelbrot sets. Pushing myself out into the universe, repetitively reconfiguring old patterns in fresh new ways but ultimately all the same fabric of the universe. Parts of me dying while simultaneously new cells, new potentialities are being born. Like a supernova creating new life out of the destructions of old stars.

Do I make sense? Probably not. Where do I begin while teetering in the edge of my known reality, in this body, this spirit, this Time?!

I am on the edge of a breakthrough. Yes...another one. Something is shifting to accommodate my new version of Me. Sweetness and kindness holding space, creating space as I spiral into a new vibration, or frequency. As I guard the love inside me and watch the world burn.

As above so below.

I spoke to the blue tongue lizard that just visited me where Charley, Beauregard and I are sitting in the shade at the back of our garden. He listened in astonishment. Not accustomed to a human acknowledging his essence. I threw him a piece of banana that Charley had nibbled on.

He stared at me, communing silently then slithered over to the banana, opened his mouth wide and gobbled it down. He looked at me with deep gratitude. Wary of the dog, he walked away.

But now…he is back. I gave him some more banana. Now he is sitting beside us…like a pet. Gorgeous! He sees that I am discouraging the dog from harassing him. Wise lizard. Feels protected. He (or she ?) really loved that banana. I am grateful to have the resources to share with the wild ones. I used to have an abject fear of reptiles.

So this is proof that I am a different version of myself from even a few years ago. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Although I am glad that blue tongue lizard person did not climb over my feet and legs. That would have probably creeped me out. Lol

16 November 2021

16 November 2020

I just had a really hot bath with Epsom Salts. Then walked into my deliciously cool living room. It was like a cold spa after a sauna. Delicious.

Thank you to my beautiful Benefactor and God and Goddess.

I worked so hard on that table that I am utterly exhausted!

Tomorrow the workmen arrive at 9 am to install the verkachte smoke alarms in every room. Yuck.

Lyn is coming to visit also. So I shall get through tomorrow’s disturbance in good company at least!

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(See file photo):

Not kosher but check out the bedroom eyes on one of my main “men” Mister Socks. He is purring so loudly and thoroughly in love right now. Sweet boy!

16 November 2019

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1:11 am. I am Still Awake. I have a craving for ice cream. Mmmm. I just saw that Weis factory is being closed down. I am THAT suggestible. Lmao

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Some years ago when I first went dancing at the casino, I met a group of lesbians on Halloween. I had some man in tow and one of the women thought I should take him home (ugh! That is another story!) and another woman said “don’t do it honey, he looks creepy!” And she proved to be right.

Hot damn, so damn right! Her intuition when it came to men was better than mine was at that point in time. She genuinely had my back too. Love my Sisterhood!!

Anyway, one of the women in the group turned to me and said “Your life is gonna be Awesome!” Now this was when I was freshly out in the pub/casino scene, dancing out my pain and horror after that epic will Dispute that nearly killed me but without which I would be a toothless crone and without a car named after God! (I shit you not!) but it was a heavy price I paid.

Anyway I turned to my drunk but preternaturally profound fortune teller and I said “Awesome!? Impossible”. Then I declaimed about the will dispute, the horror, the trauma and all the ways in which I firmly believed I would never thrive!

I almost didn’t - there were sexual assaults, beatings at Irish Murphy’s, psychopathic betrayals from women and men I had befriended. These culminated in a suicide attempt and enough residual fucking RAGE to blow out my already-struggling gall bladder which led to another close encounter with death.

As my psychiatrist said, I had been chasing Death for years. Perhaps that is why I still love the unrequited one... it feels like dying and that has perhaps become my comfort zone. Fuck...

But anyway, I am finally aware that my life is indeed Awe-some. Inspiring! Beautiful. Sacred. Spatial if not palatial. I can’t leave the country for retreats in Bali as I am a bought and paid for prisoner of the Australian government but it’s not so bad.

My safety, honour and integrity is paramount. I am grateful to have been witnessed, validated and loved enough to even have been offered that gift.

There are other gifts I still am not opening my consciousness up enough to truly RECEIVE. Like my eternally longed-for love life (Hack!) my “Prosperity” and my own discernment.

So that encounter with those wonderful lesbian women was on Halloween 2012.

7 years later. Awesomeness is Mine. You can’t buy it, steal it or contain it.

Thanks ladies. Love you. We never met again but I have not forgotten your Blessings and protection.

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Jasmine had all of this as well as very bad colic. She almost never slept for her first 2 years of life.

My maternal grandparents both had TB and interestingly I was prescribed TubM by that homeopathic psychopathic former lover rapist strangler that I loved so well. (He was a very good homeopath just a very shitty man!)

Anyway Jasmine refused his remedies although Crystal responded well to some of them. I gave up on Homeopathy after that love affair went Sour. Not just sour but became literally life threatening.

When I tried to take him and his then gf to court, the court bailiff turned savage on me and made me drop the case. I was suffering from extreme and complex trauma after a second strangulation from Davidson and him throwing rocks at my car after Luring me to his home with the promise of returning my love letters! I was scapegoated and demonised by the court system yet again.

This government HATES women who stand up and fight for/by/of themselves. But all good. I survived. At times I almost thrive even in my dire poverty.

I hope Jasmine gets appropriate treatment one fine day. But we are estranged now and have been for 13 years.

She was a fighter like her mother and ultimately got sick and tired of “rescuing” me from my former bfs, lovers. So Davidson Devo cost me my sanity at that time and ultimately my relationship with my daughters.

I hope he is writhing in hell. He certainly put me through hell with Gisela and Buck Scherer. I still can’t believe his arrant Chutzpah of haunting me for 4 consecutive night in June 2016 after his death.

Then coming through via a ghost app to declare that he wanted me to know he was not a bad man. I just rolled my eyes. I have the trauma to know better what calibre man he was.

It’s taken years and years of therapy to overcome not just his actions but my entire childhood and 20s and thirties too.

But now at 54....I am getting better. Slowly but surely. Step by agonising step. Dancing in the Void.

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As I transmute the last of this crazy epic year I have observed a softening in my energy towards men in general.  I have witnessed several acquaintances and friends who are couples model their innate happiness and true love and mutual respect in my presence.

It has been a balm to my soul as I come from a long line of abuse including my own one-time long-ago marriage. I did not have positive role models during my childhood. I have not experienced a true love sexual partnership in my entire adulthood so it has been interesting and comforting to take delight in other people’s happiness while simultaneously, rather childishly, wishing/hoping/yearning/praying for a life partnership of my own albeit I am still significantly handicapped by my great fear of losing my independence, my freedom and my core safety.

Were I ever to enter into a committed mutually exclusive relationship (as I won’t settle for anything less) and in the meantime I know no former partner or new prospect has arisen in my would-be romantic life so it’s actually a rather moot point, even perhaps a completely Absurdist one as the impossible dream of the Tanya aka The psychedelic dreamer whom, in this rather late stage of life, Fully expecting the impending demise of even my menopause...is still rather Girlishly and romantically waiting for a powerful authentic beautiful loyal fun generous caring love to come to me clean and clear without bullshit epic Machiavellian games, doubts or fears to kickstart into a mutual consenting passionate and soul-nurturing love partnership.

Why do I think this is possible? I have no idea except that I have been “stalked” by one of my former lovers: a man I have adored without rhyme or reason for the past six years. So the time has come the walrus said...for a purple top hat dreaming warrior goddess berserker queen Jewish Witch to either embrace my destiny or let go any hope that he will ever be ready for me or even available to meet me where I am with nothing to offer but my own glorious uncanny eccentric Hobbit Self.

So I feel like a rocket heading to some distant galaxy that has shredded or burnt off the past evils that have held me back for five decades and who knows how many other past lives as well!

I’m in my little capsule flying to and from my own inner space with only the gods and spirits that love me as witnesses to my furious flight and folly as well as my flirtatious flabbergasted flibbertigibbet flurry as I scurry like the little kiwi in the dark loam, mud and muck in the undergrowth which is rich fertiliser for exquisitely weird and wonderful creatures to blossom and grow.

Bloom and grow..fuck, even my mad nocturnal musings are unoriginal...lines from the song Edelweiss. It’s because the Weis factory is closing down...innit? Or I overextended my nervous system by dancing ecstatically which always boosts my creativity and bliss.

Maybe I just need to fuck? But shhh not ready yet. I am keeping an old promise to Dave, but also to my own Self. I am not making love/fucking/sharing my body with any man unless he absolutely Loves me: body mind and soul. It has not happened...yet.

I have been growing, healing and transmuting ancient moribund griefs for several years now. But the soul growth since the last time Death did not claim me has been exponential and a tad terrifying. So it seems to my mind that I must be close to a breakthrough. Soon...Perhaps sooner than I think.

Dare I even breathe/dream/believe? Why not?! Nothing else to do but hold on to my Love which I have steeped/broiled/cooked/baked and soaked in for years. Like a hamster in a mad hatter’s tea pot at a party of consciousness only a dreamer can withstand. Curious and curiouser!

Fuck fuck fuck. Did I mention fuck? But I am on this journey and by the gods it’s been hellish and yet at times Sublime.

Thank you to all my wise and wonderful and even magical Healers, who have held me together and reconfigured me in all my mosaic prosaic “madness”. Little girls that never learned how to be loved in healthy constructive safe ways are hard work. But one day I hope to make you all proud.

In the words of hooponopono an ancient Hawaiian peacemaking with the spirits of angry vicious hell-ridden former lovers:

I love you. I am Sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you!

I know I know. I am not making contact with him ever again. He played me for a fool long enough. So this is a prayer to the ether. To the dark matter. To the soul remnants that will be seen and heard and sent as energy to the One who deserves to hear it.

I am gonna be okay. With or without him. Such is the way of the Warrior Goddess. Chuckles!

16 November 2018

Home from laundromat. It was much easier hanging a spun out feather doona on the line instead of lugging a sodden bath-soaked one and struggling to heft it up over the Hills hoist.

A storm is threatening this arvo so I may have to bring it inside for a few hours. It’s a really hot day so it may dry a bit quicker than usual too. (Used to take 3 hot summer days!)

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At laundromat, washing my feather doona. $12. Oh well. It will be nice not sleeping under a smelly old thing.

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Sewage leaking again from pipe at bottom of the garden. What the fuck??? Rang housing. Dickhead woman tried to argue with me about whether maintenance know about the ongoing problem. Honestly. Why am I being made to a live like this and deal with fucking idiots????

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Fecking insomnia. Up and down. Snatches of sleep. Disturbia in suburbia. I crave the sea.

16 November 2017

I have had a lovely day. I had coffee at Amanda’s cafe and caught up with friends. Then I came home and took Beau and Charlie for a quick walk. Really humid afternoon but we enjoyed the walk.

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16 November 2016

My life might be perpetually flushed down the toilet but I can at least shep naches (Take pride and/or joy) that my elder daughter had some lovely reviews from her current stint as Miranda in The Tempest. She has adopted the actor who plays Prospero as her father and no doubt his wife as a mother. I am happy for her.

She is also in a new relationship. So life is treating her well which is all a mother can wish for her adult children.

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Mother!!! You damage me long after you are dead, without even trying hard....again!

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My anxiety is through the roof. I have been really bad since Friday. I have been awake since 6.30 am and am having trouble calming my breathing. So I will take a Valium and stay in bed today (even though I want to leap in the car and drive to Byron and never come back!)

I will be okay. Just been a very anxious November and I still have the horrible Silly Season to get through.

I have booked appointment with my GP tomorrow arvo. Need to replenish scripts and might give in and get antibiotics.

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It gets worse but rather not discuss it on FB.

Let's just say, it's a movement in the Force.

Sitting here crying. Like a weakling. But life finds a way.

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Hmmm. I just found the thing that was tripping the switch. Lucky it is low voltage. I was feeding the fish and brushed my hand across the metal mesh I cover the pond with and got a small zap.

The power had tripped early this morning. So I figured it was the light which goes off on a timer. I had clicked the safety and everything was running fine so it was a mystery as to what blew the power out.

So when I got zapped just now I went and turned off the power and checked the cords leading to the pond. Sure enough, the light was cracked and water had seeped in. No wonder the metal was live.

Luckily the light was not submerged as it used to be or the fish would have all been electrocuted. I was lucky. If the water had gone live and I put my hand in it. Bzzzzt! Oh well. Relieved to have finally solved that problem.

16 November 2015

7.23 am. Yes! I am awake early. I basically slept 24 hours apart from toilet breaks and eating pancakes.

My knee hurts but will settle. It is a lovely day! I am getting really excited about Alcide's imminent arrival on Sunday. 6 more sleeps!

I have just started a Dogbook for him. He is the newest New World Leader at my house. Shhh! Penny thinks she has top position. Like any tyrant she will not like being demoted to Vice Puppy Position.

I think she will love him though. She is a maternal creature. Now! She was the worst mother to her kittens! But she has mellowed somewhat.

16 November 2014

I have aching legs and feet. Not from dancing, thanks to the Brisvegas ghetto, but from the heat.

Lyn's pool gave me sweet relief but the pain is back. Oh well, my sweet southern smooth lovin' man Jack Daniels and me. Another glass and I will forget I have legs. I mean, pain... In my legs.

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Lyn invited me for an afternoon swim! Yayyyy! It was wonderful to immerse myself in water.

I came alive like a dried up old waterlily!

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11.16 am. Meltinnnggg in my own sweat. Arggggh!

I chopped up watermelon and cucumbers for my chooks, to freeze down. I bought frozen peas, veges and berries. I am so worried about them dying from heat exhaustion.

I have put frozen plastic bottles in their coops so they can get some cool air circulating around.

Meanwhile in my house....hot hot hot in the city tonight.

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30 degrees but feels hotter. I just gave the chooks a misting down with the hose. The silkies loved it but the bigger hens, not so much.

My bloody freezer door had iced up so I bashed it with a hammer and was annoyed that my big ice blocks I made for the chooks last night had not frozen. So back to drawing board on that one. I gave them the icey cold fruit one instead. I will have to get some watermelon and freeze it for my girls.

I am hot too. I only have a fan to keep me comfortable at night but it was much better than sleeping with nothing. I finally dragged it out and used it last night.

Karen woke me at 11 am. For once my bloody neighbours were quiet, no machinery going today. Must be too hot even for that workaholic maniac lol.

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26 deg cels. Hot! Sweating like a pig after having a cool shower not long ago.

I wish I could afford air conditioning. It's gonna be a killer tomorrow...43. Eeek!

I just went out back to freeze containers of water as I worry my hens will get heat exhaustion like last summer. Tabitha almost died twice! I think I will be keeping a close eye on them tomorrow! I wet a towel and put it on top of the coop roof. It might cool slightly.

Julie Goddard: dont keep them in the coop in the heat

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1.28 am, on bed with the fan on me. I couldn't focus on tv or movies on SBS so am now reading ghost stories on the Isle of Sheppy where my great-great grandfather Abraham Phillips came from.

I finished reading "Stalking the Soul", about emotional abuse, today. Intense but really illuminating for PTSD sufferers like me.

16 November 2013

5.06 am. Home at last :-). I had a fantastic night out. First with Gail at The Seven Seas concert which was wonderful then later at Irish Murphies. I danced all night and for once was in a really happy relaxed state of mind. I didn't get hassled as much due to wearing my corset and purple Docs. Lol.

After the band finished I went to hang out and dance for my Busker friend George. I got the 4.30 am bus home. Just an awesome night. I ran into a few acquaintances in the city too, which was great.

Loving my life at long last. Footsore but happy!

16 November 2011

On bus heading home from Psych who found my recent experiences and insights fascinating! Looking forward to Crystal's performance in The Producers tomorrow night!

16 November 2010

I spent the day with Gail and we picked little Tayhlia up from school. In the evening when they dropped me home, we had a cup of tea and I gave everyone my NZ icecream. Tayhlia was most impressed and said "It's beautiful!" I was so happy!

Gail also cooked us all an amazing Bolognese. Tayhlia thought that was delicious too, but had to be convinced to eat more of it. (She's a picky eater).

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To all my loyal Hell on Wheels Voters and their associates who joined in with our voting en masse. It didn't get into the finals and I'm convinced it was all rigged.

I'm trying not to be a sore loser but the movies that got in had hardly any points and pretty crappy Production Values. I am extremely disappointed. C'est la vie, my lovelies.

The Good News is one of the plays Crystal performed in, in a one woman show has been picked for the finals of the Short and Sweet Ten minute play festival...so this is marvellous!

I'm looking forward to seeing her perform. It will show at the Judith Wright Centre in Fortitude Valley. Not sure when yet. So excited!

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I found the Tarotopia online Tarot card store. It's amazing. I have backordered The Baroque Bohemian Cats Tarot cards. I've wanted these for some time to add to my collection of Tarot cards.

Unfortunately they weren't available today. Argggggh! But now I have something to look forward to, so Yay!

16 November 2009

Had some lovely Pizza with my favourite people, Jarrod and Crystal, then we walked the dogs in the forest.

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New day, same shit.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons