Journal logo

Memories: 15 February 2023

Love letters to and from the Void

By Tanya Arons Published 2 months ago Updated 2 months ago 15 min read
1

15 February 2020

11:11 pm I stayed home from dancing as I felt overheated and over sensitive with my sore ear. Now I am lying on my bed unable to sleep, still processing the recent events. I should probably get up, get dressed and go dancing if I have this much psychic energy that I have insomnia. It’s like living between two worlds or different extremes.

But I am better off resting (even if not sleeping!) as I don’t feel well so it would be safer to stay home. It’s quiet and comfortable.

I am looking forward to Jarrod coming to visit tomorrow. So I will rest so I have energy to go out with Jarrod somewhere. Otherwise if I overdo things I get hypomanic and drive him nuts. Lmao!

….

Two men at the Shoah meeting spent an inordinate amount of time staring into my eyes. I held their gaze and in true Tanya form held my own ground. I hope they saw what they needed to see and not their own biases and ugly projections.

One of them actually stated that I had given him a lot to think about. I nodded with gratitude. In spite of his rather penetrating hostile stare in the beginning of the meeting, he had truly “seen” me. Interesting!

My angels, as usual spoke through me and freaked us all out, including myself.

Love letter to Tanya from Tanya cos Nobody does it better (or has ever written me a love letter!)

Dearest Tanya

You astound me with your amazing courage and strength. Every day you get up and fall down and get up again. Flogging your long-dead zombie carcass but reenervating it with your immensely powerful resurgent heart.

You are so powerful in your core that you don’t realise how terrifying that truly is to the uninitiated, underwhelmed, ordinary mortals. It’s not your fault. In the last re-building of your psyche we gods might have sprinkled a little something extra. Ooops, Sorry.

Every single day of your life is a new beginning. You breathe so much life and love back into yourself and the excess unfurls in your auric field to bless those who see it or are ready to receive it. (Clarry’s attentions have amped up and you don’t feel comfortable with that! You are not sure if he is in love or sees you as a conquest!)

It was a weird week last week with lots of love energy thrown at you but you adroitly avoided some of it and surfed the rest with the men you deem Safe as they are gay! You were fantastic. So were they! So much love that does not impede on your tiny refracted sexuality.

Tanya...you have pushed yourself down over heartbreak with false lovers who only come to mock and deride you. They are so sick and perverted. Sending even their current lovers to stalk you. That is the power of your love. Even his other partners became (and still seem to become) fucking obsessed with you.

You struggle to wonder what motivates these cruel vile people. I will tell you. Envy of your light. Envy of your Fight. Envy of your deep limitless Love that even you don’t always comprehend the Source as it flows through you and alters your own life and the lives of those that merge with yours.

Your deep humanity that you struggle to overcome as most of your life humans have been so sadistic and so debauched that you lack any sense of trust in them. You had to learn to trust your self first and foremost and that is still a work in progress as you still felt the need to debrief with close friends and your psychiatrist, as under duress you still doubt your own reality.

I want to tell you! You are a magical beautiful worthy Soul. A passionate, alive, aligned with the multiverses Woman and even now, even now you don’t fit in or belong in any human society and this pains you but we the gods built you this way for a reason and you do know that slowly society is playing catch up! You have witnessed it. You have embodied it.

Your only failure was loving too much and letting vile creeps convince you that you were worthless, ugly and deserving only of death.

We worked hard to drag you back into this life, this reality and this exact moment of time. Dragging you from The Shadowlands a million times. But you grew strong. Grew up. Grew older!

The last 8 months have been an intense struggle. But we are so proud of you Little One. You shine... even on the darkest days when you feel too frail and you don’t even bother to wash your hair and lie patiently on your bed, while we dance invisibly beside you, warming the cockles of your soul as we know you will get up again and Dance.

We denied you a love partner for so long. Decades. We forgot that it is a struggle for a woman on her own, dependant on the State to put food on her plate. So we sent you earth angels who gifted you what you most need. We blessed them so they can bless you.

We know you bless others in ways that are not fiscal but spiritual and emotional and we know if you had money you would share so much more also.

You had to learn that your Love is precious, priceless and how to reclaim it in the face of great evil.

Time slips through your fingers in this incarnation. Your hands and face wrinkling. Your wise weary eyes twinkling. But this is only this moment in eternity. The greatest Love of your life is awaiting you. Is/was/always will be with you.

The magic, the bliss, the peace and comfort of Eternity.

Love you Tanya. You rode through the storms and the horror like a Champion. Your time is Now.

Love from (Insert Name here)

....

I am going to comment on my own love letter to my own fucked up self because the truth remains the truth and I must tell it if only to myself.

I am still in love with that former lover who trawled his partners in my face even at drumming last year. It hurts. Not because of his actions which were cruel and callow and a tad pathetic but because it showed me distinctly that I still had a strong attachment to an abuser and that as I know all too well...people never fucking change unless they have a miraculous psychological corrective moment or intervention and me, loving monsters, has been a life pattern of almost 55 years and every time I declare out loud that I am Done and begin to heal my own heart...he trawls out again. Or worse some other man or fucked up game player slithers into his ever-widening breach (but not his britches!)

But I have been uplevelling. I ended “friendships” with women who demonstrated their disrespect for me in January. I confronted old demons on Wednesday night with as much grace and aplomb and humour as I could manage. Only to be shunned like a fucking leper as a csa survivor. It’s okay.

I am whom I am. They are whom they are. Mostly vile.

So where do I go from here? Back on my merry go round, going nowhere but glitching luminously in the matrix.

Happy and proud and free. That is how it must continue to be.

Fuck the Haters!

Another thing: you are not confused. You know whom you are now. You have the gods at your back, loving you and pushing you through each of the remaining moments or days of your life.

You are valued if only by the Invisible. You always go where Angels fear to tread, where your demons don’t always resonate with others’ Demons, as they pay lip service to God but show no real love for that Energy.

You unmasked them with your raw honesty and show them their falsity. Of course they hate you. Most have never bothered to do the work of integrating their shadow.

You have suffered long enough. I have no idea how much longer I must endure this Sufferance. But there has been great and noble beauty too. Enough to get through each and every day.

That too has been a miracle and a gift.

Hahaha this all reads like grandiose narcissism too!!! I have learnt well from my former wannabe “masters”. Hack, Spit!!!

15 February 2019

I had a lovely day, yesterday. In the morning I dropped off a guinea pig cage for Danny, (for her pet lizard “Peanut” and gave her some clothes and sewing patterns. I had a lovely time chatting with Lyn, Peter, Danny and Tracey and baby Cadence.

In the afternoon Jarrod arrived and we spent the afternoon and evening sorting my laundry room, as we found an old changing table that made good shelving for my laundry so I was able to get most of the stuff off the laundry floor and put away (woohoo!) Then we took Bobo and Charlie for a walk.

Then in the evening Jarrod fixed a plug on my mother’s old brass standard lamp, (Which I had not been able to use for several years!) then we brought in my timber lamp and changed the lampshades over and hung one from the ceiling. Omg. It looks so nice! (I had almost considered chucking the timber lamp out!)

We smudged the house with Palo Santo and Jarrod rang a bell to clear energy.

Then later he looked at the recliner lever on the left hand side of the couch. We ended up ordering 2 replacement levers so the couch can be fixed in a few weeks time when they arrive (plus a spare lever in case the right side should ever break!)

It was a very productive day!

15 February 2018

10:12 pm just cooked dinner but after the effort of shvitzing in my hot kitchen I lost my appetite so only had a couple of small pieces of chicken breast. Most unusual! Me not being a voracious feeder! Oh well I put it in the fridge for tomorrow.

I have been busy knitting Oberon so forgot to cook until 9 pm. It is good to have a distraction.

I was hoping we would get a lot of rain after all that thunder this arvo but alas, no. I will have to water the garden tomorrow.

I am such an arsehole. Whinging about my pathetic life whilst my lawnmower man is working in extreme heat. We sat under my sun umbrella and I gave him 2 glasses of water and some grapes (for a sugar hit and electrolytes).

I have a bloody good life not being forced to work like that! I was out in the garden gathering macadamia nuts so was hot and sweaty from a few minutes of that.

Thank you Universe for your abundant unconditional love and your protection. I am truly blessed.

I think Valium which I took a few nights ago to help me sleep has made me feel depressed. Clarry recommended I juice some carrots and drink that with ginger and garlic. I need to slap my legs and thighs to activate the meridians. He is correct!

I think tomorrow I will try to get to the sea again as this heat is debilitating, both mentally and physically.

15 February 2017

Rain is coming. I have a trail of ants coming into my kitchen. Thousands of them. I put down a bowl of borax and sugar to kill them. I hate killing them but there are just too many.

Fuck! I feel really crook today. So for some reason I read the ingredients on my Berocca packaging. It contains Aspertame!!! Which turns into formaldehyde in the body. Which I have avoided eating and drinking since 1996.

I can't believe that dentist recommended it to me. I can't believe I blindly took it without reading the ingredients list. I can't believe I am so stupid.

I will have to find another B complex vitamin that is not loaded with pure poison.

At my debrief appt with psych. Had to use the loo quickly. Not cool! I have been feeling sick for days and only just realised it is the Berocca with the aspartame. I am so bloody sensitive. But I have avoided that stuff for years so not surprised I have had a reaction to it.

Julie Goddard: book yourself in to see the naturopaths at the school of applied science in stones corner Tanya ..consultation is free

My shrink suggested I see a Naturopath too. Might give it a go. Sick of my gp telling me everything is in my mind when the physical symptoms are so obvious. Also she should know better as she knows I already have a psychiatrist on my team.

He told me most trauma patients don't live long and I have done well as I avoided any drug addictions. Most die young from that.

Anyway, once I cut out the aspartame poisoning Berocca (flush it out if my system) I will have less symptoms.

My psychiatrist recommended I take psyllium husk instead of Lipitor for my now high cholesterol. I will do that.

15 February 2016

My dog chewed through my iPhone charging cord. Bloody thing cost me $35. Now I need another one. I bought it as it was supposed to be harder to chew through. I can't leave him unsupervised near any cords now. Bloody pain. Lucky it was not connected to the mains when he bit into it. The brat!

15 February 2014

6.49 pm just woke up to epic cuddles from Penny who gets very clingy after my nights out. She is whipping her tail in aggravation and purring at the same time).

It was so hot today. I rushed home from Sarah's to make sure my hens were all right and put a freezer block in their water. I threw them frozen berries and later some frozen peas.

Now got to get ready for more dancing tonight. Flat shoes I think as my feet are still sore.

I might put my togs in the car too. I fancy a swim at Southbank!

My beautiful Love Goddess Sarah (my Muse, my mentor and my sweet friend) and I are going out tonight. We are hitting the Valley. Mojo Activation must be Followed through! ;-). I wonder what treats await us tonight??? Cosmiccccc!

Hungry!!!!!! I had a most peculiar Valentines day Night. All I can say is....still Hungryyyyyy!!!!

Guess my mojo is activated again. Watch out Men! (Hysterical laughter!)

Feed Me, Seymour, more more please Sir, I want some more. FML but funny when I come to think about it!

Our beautiful Kirsten is found and is safe. Hallelujah! When I see her, I am going to hug her and dance with her. We were so worried!

15 February 2013

QOTD: "Money is what you'd get on beautifully without if only other people weren't so crazy about it." -Margaret Case Harriman

Just watched Constantine. I now have a crush re-ignited for Keanu Reeves, johnny depp should worry! Btw where is my future Movie Star Hubby? Grrr.

No matter. Don't want to sign a marriage certificate anyway :-). Perhaps someone will be happy to cohabit with me, in separate rooms... I can't take the snoring lmao

Happy happy Joy joy! Oh me oh my Zippideedoodah. Supercalafragilisticexpialadocious...to Infinity and Beyond!!!!

I had a wonderful Valentines Day Night lol. Ran into an old flame who I really liked and we had a great time together. There were so many men fawning over me that it got quite awkward and a tad embarrassing but my friend who is amazingly cool and dignified just smiled and shook hands with them and was as bemused as I was.

I told him that I found it rather odd that both times we met there was this same sort of fracas. He said, yeah I noticed that! All in all an interesting evening! This time my friend has my phone number so perhaps I might hear from him again next time he is in town :-)

15 February 2012

Just came home From visiting my cousin Kay in hospital. She was told today that her bowel is riddled with cancer so she is Terminal.

She was delighted to see me in spite of her gruesome news. So happy that I found the visit quite surreal. I guess the reality of it will come later!

My G-d, one more reason to honor each day on this Earth as a wondrous Miracle. Everything and everyone is so temporary.

15 February 2011

i've vacuumed most of the floors, (just my bedroom and the bathroom left to do...maybe back room if I can get in there lol). Almost ready for the momentous unmentionable once in a blue room cos I'm in the mood thing....mop the floors. Boy, do they need a good solid scrub. Methinks I'll have to go over it all twice.

um not blue room, meant blue moon. Actually the moon was lovely last night, might have inspired me. I am so bloody tired though, so I had to push myself through the "I'm over it and don't want to do this really Barrier".

Cleaned the kitchen windows too, and Crystal's old room, also made the bed up (at long last!) and it looks so tidy and welcoming, I thought about lying down and having a schluff but decided I should try to keep going.

Completely knackered....Have managed to scrupulously clean kitchen floor which was a health hazard and a disgrace. It is amazing to actually see the floor!

Am currently taking a short Facebook break from steam-cleaning the hallway and plan on getting as much floorspace clean by tonight as possible. It's 9.51 pm so I reckon I'll peg out soon, but there's always tomorrow!

My home is starting to look habitable again, and it looks so nice. I hope I can keep it cleaner this time, and not let it get away so badly on me again. (Fingers Crossed or Tap on the Head or whatever crazy superstition you subscribe too!)

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

humanity
1

About the Creator

Tanya Arons

I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2023 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.