Memories: 11 October 2023

11 October 2023

Another bad night last night. Not much sleep due to having to get up about 8 times. I feel like sawdust left on the threshing floor of life. Forgotten, stomped on, dried out. Soon to swept off the floor. But…as exhausted as I feel, I am lying in my hammock, with Charley beside me, in the partial shade of the golden rain tree, counting my blessings on this glorious sunny day.

https://youtu.be/MP2TsiOAkEs?si=JpsBITtTHw3-Ro0t

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I’ve not been well so I haven’t done much jewellery making for the past week. Tonight I decided to use my new Wax reamer to size two wax rings. It took a fair bit of cutting. Lol. I now have a blister from the handle on my thumb.

I made one ring ridiculously large as I have no idea what I am doing but I figure I could cut it to some kind of interesting shape. I might use them as models to cast them in delft clay when I have created a shape I like. #titaniasrealm #waxcarving #brisbaneartist #brisbane #creativity #mindfulness #keepingbusyasanactofdefiance #loveisthelaw

11 October 2022

I am utterly utterly exhausted today. I achieved very little. I spent the afternoon trying to coat my new crucible with borax so I can use it for melting silver.

I don’t think I did it right. It turned black and I had to add lots of borax to coat the crucible. My butane torch probably wasn’t hot enough. I need to invest in the right equipment. As this constant fallure is crazy making!

I tried to melt some silver in my freshly coated crucible. It didn’t melt and kept sticking to the borax. So I may have to buy another crucible and try again, as this was an epic epic fail.

I glued my cracked ebony goddess pendant with a few drops of ca glue. But I was too tired to sand her back and work on her further. I might have to re-think my idea of melting silver into her. A pity as I think it would look beautiful.

I am still exhausted from my frenetic hypomanic efforts the past 5 days. So my exhaustion is getting very debilitating. Hopefully I rest tomorrow.

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Hmmm…spirit is at me again. I was cutting up old limes outside to use the peel for my citrus cleaning vinegar that I like to make. A lot of work but satisfying and organic and less toxic than bought chemicals for cleaning.

I was also watching (or rather listening to) a youtube video of a watchmaker restoring an old Rolex watch. Interesting that Rolex themselves who produced this elite product were too precious or lazy to restore this vintage watch, so that puts me off ever buying from them if I ever win Lotto.

A prestige watch company that won’t fix or restore their own brand…hilarious. But the watchmaker was a hobbyist and did a beautiful job of it.

Anyway, while I was thinking on that, spirit showed me a carving of a goddess I made out of ebony wood. I have not been happy with my first attempt at Inlaying copper wire onto her belly with a spiral design to represent Eternity.

I am an amateur silversmith/jeweller, learning from YouTube videos so I must not be too hard on myself. At least I keep trying until I get it right…if ever. Some things I have had to give up on, for now, due to lack of skill and lack of resources. Shit!

But anyway spirit flashes the goddess pendant I made, into my brain. Reminds me, not for the first time, that they wanted me to make a trinket dish with a piece of sterling silver melted into it. I did not think that was even possible the first time spirit showed me that image (about two years ago now!).

So I decided that I might take another look at my ebony pendant (or wiser…use a piece of scrap ebony!) and see if I can melt silver into it without burning or destroying the whole piece.

I might do that later. I have not been satisfied with my wonky wire inlay. It looks kinda terrible. So I was not willing to sell it as I know it’s not quite good enough. To my eye.

But if this works well and comes out lovely. I will set myself a challenge and make another one.

Right now, I am so exhausted I could just die…so maybe tomorrow or later this evening. I need to be gentle with myself.

11 October 2021

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11 October 2020

I woke up very early this morning 6:30 am. I have been intermittently dozing and facebooking.

I feel suffused in a big love. I have even been thinking about Dave and how he was so foolish, throwing women in my face then his last cruelty accusing me of sleeping with Richard (ew!)

That was the final straw (or so I thought!) but this morning I find my heart recalibrating over ancient scar tissue and thinking of Dave who at the very least, always spoke to me with respect (until his jealousy and insecurities got stuck somewhere in his dreadlocks and could not be unravelled).

I was awful too. When Penny died, mired in the deepest rawest grief, I texted him and called him a dirty evil cunt and told him to never come near me ever again. Which is kind of insane, as after all he stopped stalking me at the Casino and rejected all my calls so in truth, was not likely to come near me again anyway.

But that foulness with Clarry has got me thinking... what kind of love I need and feel I deserve? Someone clean and clear, loyal and faithful and decent. Who speaks to me with words of honesty and real love (and saves the dirty sex talk for moments of committed connubial bliss ...if then).

I dislike being spoken to like a washed out overused whore. My god! That might be a kink for some people but after a lifetime of abuse it sickens me to my very core.

Some things just tip me over the edge and that is a side effect of having lived alone and being celibate for so many years. If I were going to throw myself to the hounds of hell for a moment’s passion (let’s face it who doesn’t enjoy wild sexual passion with someone who Values them?) then it’s got to be Worth it.

Not with someone who disrespects my body, my heart, my mind, my home and my pets. Trashes me before I even begin to fully open up to them.

So I am allowing the loving feelings to flow around me and to sink like cankers in my soul. I am floating on a sea of desire and often times, delirium.

Wanting what for me has always been impossible to attain. Like a fool!

Perhaps that is the fate of all little girls whose heads were smashed in by the Sunday school Gate. That early frontal lobe damage made me believe in gods and good men and the mythology of my epoch made me strange but thwarted.

The Sunday school gate and adult male molestations ruined my chances of ever finding or accepting a real love. That was my curse. Sometimes a blessing too!

I think about Dave who watched and spied and even showed up at drumming. Then I cross my eyes and laugh! At the cosmos and myself. I am healing, when I can find the humour in my situation.

Today is gonna be a good day. I will float in the sea at Coochiemudlo Island and ask the gods to cut me some slack and bring the One destined to be my partner to me in such a way that he does not sabotage/abuse/ or otherwise disgust me.

I can rebuild from this love that came to me in the morning light on a cool breeze disguised as Hope. Sweet liar Hope that slides off my meridians like molten butter. I know your swan song so well.

Every little thing she does is Magic. Well Magic happens, as assuredly as Shit does but I declare to the multiverses: I am ready. :-)

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Today at the beach at Coochiemudlo Island I had a strange encounter. A family were camped near us and their little boy was floating and swimming in the ocean.

His father was watching him from the beach and the kid was a fair way out in the sea. I worried he might get too deep or something might happen to him.

Anyway after a long while the little boy starts singing a strange, almost ethereal song. I could not make out the words but it sounded lovely. So I smiled at the child as I am always encouraging of children in their various artistic or musical talents. (My woundedness from having abusive parents who always delegitimised me for my few abilities.)

Anyway the little boy started floating over towards me. I realised he was going to want serious attention in the way of children everywhere. But I politely awaited his approach.

“Hello” he yelled with the confidence of a man in his early 20s . I smiled bemusedly and replied “Hello” . He spun around in the water pretending to be a washing machine.

He floated over to Jarrod (who is not fond of engaging with strangers’ children). “Hello” he yelled at Jarrod and Jarrod brightly responded with a warm Hello back.

The divine infant returns to me and gives me a cheeky grin. Randomly he says “May I have permission to touch you!” I was quite astonished. I thought to myself ‘Oh this is wonderful, they are teaching body autonomy and consent in kindergarten now!’

I smiled and replied “That is very good manners. I am very impressed but No, it’s not appropriate!” He did not seem too fazed but spun around a bit. I asked him how old he was? Could he show me how many fingers?

He stoicly held up four fingers on his tiny chubby infant hand. “Oh wow. Four! That is amazing!” He replied that he can swim really well.

Then he said “I am going to touch you” and reached over to give my arm a Poke! I recoiled slightly as his parents were watching from the beach and it all seemed rather odd. I said “If you must touch me, then that would mean I have to touch you back, and I don’t really want to”. I pretended to reach out towards him.

“No...no” he said. I smiled as I felt he had understood the intent behind it. I don’t appreciate contact or male entitlitis, even from a child.

He kept wanting to hang with Jarrod and I and his mother came over to video him on her iPad. I joked she could show her son the video of him when he is 21 and she replied “I am already sharing it with the world!” I smiled wanly. The internet truly is a miracle for instantaneous transmission.

She asked me if I had children or grandchildren. I replied I had adult daughters in their 30s but no grandchildren yet. She was a nice young woman but I thought it was a bit boundaryless, leaving her very young son in the company of strangers in the ocean.

So I told the little one that I was going to swim back to my friend now otherwise he might feel lonely.

The child goes to pieces and starts crying. “But why, I want to be with you?!” His mother shrieks at him that he has to come out of the water or she will put him down for a sleep.

I was also getting worried as his little teeth were chattering and his lips were blue so I had already encouraged him to get out of the water and warm up on the beach for a while!

The kid goes more hysterical. I call out “oh no Bub”. Jarrod quietly tells me to stay out of it but I felt terrible that I had given a four year old precocious curious little boy his first taste of abandonment.

But the sudden desire on his part to want to touch a strange woman in the ocean, old enough to be his grandmother was a bit..well...creepy.

Funny thing too, on my drive to Victoria Point I was stuck behind a car driving ridiculously slowly whose number plate was “Imp” and was laughing to myself about being stymied by dybbuks and Imps. So this Impish child made me feel a bit weirded out.

This generation of children are just astonishing. Their souls are just so different..almost Lit! They are very spiritual and often more intelligent than I remember children being when I myself was a child. It is a bit intriguing. I worry about them in a way.

I am glad his mother or his kindy is teaching him about consent though. They need to do more work on that so little boys understand that No means No and not pushing the envelope until they decide it’s a Yes. Ie rape culture.

So my distancing myself was an important non-verbal lesson that he was going to have to learn already. Harsh but true.

Later on in the day I noticed how random people kept gravitating towards me, Jarrod and Bobo. Which was a bit concerning on the dog beach as Bobo is so unfriendly with other dogs. I had to tell several people that he is not friendly and one Asian guy still persisted in walking his dog right in front of us as I struggled to contain Bobo.

Much later another man was positively stalking us with his little poodle x dog which made us both burst out laughing as we had left our little camp and moved further down the beach to keep his dog safe and to have some privacy and yet he still let his doggy run after us. But when we laughed he quickly disappeared, thinking we were laughing at him. (Which we sort of were because it was just so surreal!)

Even on the ferry ride home a lady with her large dog chose to sit too close to us. But Bobo behaved himself on the ferry. Probably exhausted from his big day out.

Anyway apart from the weird doggy shenanigans and the strange encounter with the little boy, we had a wonderful day.

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11 October 2019

I woke up with a brewing unexplained anxiety. I made a cup of tea and toast and sat outside with Charlie and Beauregard. I have watched the Extinction Rebellion protesters Live on FB. Proud of them!

I feel rather restless and uneasy. The last time this happened Spirit put me to a rather unwelcome nifty little test but I rose above it like a Warrior Goddess Queen. So hmm, I was only half-joking when I commented the other day that I would see him soon. Hmmm. I can feel his intention writhing under my skin like a Conger Eel brought into a boat.

I can only wait and see. It might be just my finely attuned nervous system picking up on the impending much desired rain and have nothing to do with energetic attachments from Former lovers.

But alas, we knew him well. We can “smell” his Approach. Silly man. I shall suffer no fool. I am prepared.

I return his negativity to him. To him and his henchwomen. Only those with true love and friendship and purity of intent shall gain access to my inner sanctum of heart.

The proof is in the pudding! Ohhh deliciousness, I feel the first tentative sprinkling of rain. Gently caressing my bare arms. A tiny bit of moisture. But the skies are blue so this is all there is. Psy sighs.

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Took Bobo for a quick walk around the block. Now I have “thunder asthma”. But all good. Rain is on the way. Hallelujah.

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Baruch HaShem! More rain. Phew!

I am Staying home tonight. Not feeling very well after yesterday’s dentistry. Best thing to do is go to bed early and keep myself contained.

Gonna lie in bed and listen to the rain and thank Creator for my beautiful life :-)

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11 October 2018

I have been feeling out of sorts and unwell all day. The storm passed me by in relative gentleness but hammered the crap out of the Sunshine Coast.

The wind is still blustery and I felt so cold I took to my bed a few hours ago. My fighter fish died from all the extreme temperature changes. (I was so hot last night that I had to put an ice pack on the back of my neck and today I feel cold).

I had a plumber come from Housing to replace the kitchen taps and the pipe under the sink which had corroded. We told each other outrageous stories about our lives and we were both a little manic.

I was touched by how strange it was, this conversational intimacy. Then after he left, I saw on Facebook, the effects of the tornado up north.

I feel like I have been cast down by the gods on a tempest-struck island. Shaken not stirred. But I also feel protected and loved and blessed. After such a wild stormy mis-begotten life the gods truly have gifted me with a safer existence. For that I can be grateful.

I was gonna go to the shops today. I had plans to buy more resin to finish off the decoupaged case for Crystal. I was gonna achieve things today, maybe keep painting my other projects. But I felt too weak and cold and tired.

So it will happen another day! There is always another day! I must be patient with myself. It’s been a strange week. I need to ride out the storms, let the calm sunshine rise in my consciousness again.

Then keep creating. A new life. A blissful existence instead of the blistered pre-existing one. Can I do it? Only one day at a time.

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The worst has been the barometric pressure causing my arthritis to flare up. I could hardly walk today. My right buttock felt like a pinched nerve, like I had been kicked by a horse. I often wonder what it would be like to be healthy? Lol.

11 October 2017

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Update 11 October 2018: This time a year ago... it’s now 2:20 am. We had storms blow over last night and as I write I hear more thunder. But not much rain as yet.

I woke up from a light troubled sleep. Reflux badddd, arthritis bad, my hands hurt and my right buttock and lower back feel like I have been kicked by a horse (back started hurting yesterday arvo) so I have gotten up for my nocturnal bladder demands, (also annoying) and taken 2 panadol, and a Nizac to quell the reflux, and am lying here pondering my mortality as Thor and Odin have a bit of a tousle.

I think I might feel better if it actually rained a decent amount...enough to shift the pressure in the air.

This afternoon the gas fitter is coming to fix my oven. So I think I will stay in bed then dress just before he arrives at 1 pm, let him do his work then crawl back into bed. (Life goals ...🙂 )

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Showered and sanctified. Back to bed I go.

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Pain in my right upper ribs (next to my breast). Must have wrenched a muscle in my sleep. Argghhh. The arthritis pain in my joints has settled down, probably as the weather is a bit cooler.

I have my debrief this arvo. I hope I feel well enough to drag my arse there. I always do but some days it feels like an immense effort.

I put Charlie outside and he is chirping loudly and happily. I must emulate that bird. Old psychedelic Dreamer has lost some of her swirl in the midst of heat and pain. (Need to revive her!)

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Watching Ancient Civilisations S1 Ep 3. tree of life. On Gaia.com. Fascinating!

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11 October 2016

Life is meant to be adored. If you don't love your very own life or the lives of those around you then it becomes a very fractured myopic and dark existence.

Loving life has kept me going through many many dark times. Finding joy in small things and laughing in the face of my adversity. Being loved and giving love, often for no good reason. Enobling. Fulfilling. Strengthening.

I am the Queen of Unrequited Love so I know from many strange and bitter experiences, the Love I gave that was crushed into the dirt by vapid cruel men went on to light up others' lives and dream other dreams. It takes a long time to heal and then to realise my heart is like a cascade.

It may seem bereft, dried, cracked and broken but life will always bring a spring rain or a supercharged fierce lightning storm to re-energise and once again restore that glorious sparkling flow.

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Kol Nidre tonight. Erev Yom Kippur. I am going to Temple Shalom Gold Coast to watch and listen to my beautiful friend Sally Castle sing Kol Nidre.

I wish those who do so, Well over the Fast and may our prayers, hopes, dreams be manifest in this new year. Amen.

11 October 2015

11 October 2014

5.08 am. I got home at 4.45 am to discover I had left both coops open like a fucking dumbarse. (Which I normally never do as I am afraid of this shit happening!)

I found Mischief alone in his coop. His mother Frieda is missing. He is distressed. So am I. I have been walking around the neighbourhood, as if a fox took her, there might be a carcass or some feathers left. No sign of her.

I had a fantastic night out but what a shock to find my prized little Silky missing. I have checked under the house and in all the bushes. Where did she go? If something took her, I don't get why it left the other chooks alone?

It's heart-breaking to hear him calling out for her. Nothing I can do now, except have a cup of tea, a hot bath and then sleep.

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4.39 pm. Crystal is devastated as a friend of hers from high school just died of cancer.

I am happy and grateful to be alive. I told her to enjoy and cherish each and every day. So she is going out tonight. I am so grateful that my little Silky hen is alive.

I pray Renee finds rest and peace in the loving arms of the Ein Soph Aur. She leaves behind a husband and 2 young children. Life is so precious and sometimes so unfair.

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I am desperate for my advance in Nov so I can pay off some bills and a loan for the rego. I also need to buy another fish pond pump and filter for front pond as the other one blew up. Grrrr. Money is just a constant struggle to hold on to.

Still paying off the expensive gas and electricity bills. Bring on November so I can breathe again.

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11 October 2009

I have been spending so much time getting reunited with my intellect that I forgot that my brain has other important functions like, oh, keeping me alive and my mind has blown a fuse.

I've been on automatic pilot for so long, and I guess I kind of like it...it's easier to just nod politely as you back your way to the wall. Or to smile and stare blankly into space...being the invisible so you cannot be divisible.

Update 11 October 2020: Zombie no more. I’m here, I’m square but I am FIERCE! Brrrrrrreeeeow!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons