Manic Monday

I am having a thought block. I don’t feel like I am in a fog today. My mind is relatively clear. I have been trying to sit down and write all day. I can not focus on writing with my kids running circles around me, the asshole I live with demanding me to cook and clean and family members randomly making my house a pit stop. It’s like Grand Central Station here. If anyone related to me has to drive past my house they are stopping. Not for any particular reason either. My dad is one of my favorite people and I miss my granddad stopping in every day but now I just am in a leave me the fuck alone kind of mood every day now since he passed and I wonder where my dad was if he did not stop.

I am not fit to be around anyone today. I started my day off strong, and feeling fine. I cleaned for a few hours feeling accomplished, I cooked supper, ate half of what was put on my plate, but I am in the raunchiest mood right now. My youngest child has range issues and outburst and screams and bawls all day long if shit doesn’t go his way. My oldest laid on my couch all damn day, on the phone and watched as I cleaned around them and my middle one was screaming at a video game all day eating cool pops. I am with them 24-7 and I have had it with them. I need a break. I need to get away in the mountains for a while. I need to take a walk around the lake and just enjoy the sounds of the birds and the water, I need to take all the back roads with my windows down and just jam out to all my favorite songs. ALONE!

I cleaned so much today I was sweating like a whore in church and all I wanted to do was take a shower, send them kids off to bed, and sit in the quiet and listen to the storm outside. Well my brother shows up, unannounced of course, at 9:30 PM. He needs to take a shower, then he starts fucking with the kids and getting them all wound up. I keep telling the kids to go to bed. The completely ignore me and just continue fucking off. My brother just sits and yammers on about his shitty ass job and then shows me papers he got in the mail and asks me to handle it.

I am not only mom to my own children, I take care of my brother, my dad, and my mother. And before he passed not too long ago I would take care of my granddad. You would think it would be the other way around with my parents but its not. They are not old, they are in their 50’s. But they are two of the most immature, self centered, narcissistic people I know. Growing up with them as parents was hard but it is even harder now taking care of them as one of my own children. My other siblings don’t and won’t and I can’t find it in my heart to cut them out of my life. They know how to prey on my weaknesses. My brother is pretty much still living as a 15 year old boy. My parents shipped him off with our grandparents the day he turned 18. He was taught nothing. My grandmom did everything for him just like she did for my dad.

I don’t know what it is about me that just lets my family walk all over me. I know they are using me but I let them do it. I am so afraid that I am just going to end up like both of them. I don’t want to put that on my kids someday but I am afraid that will happen. They never sought therapy for their issues.

My Older but Younger Sibling

My oldest sibling, the one who should have looked out for me, the one who should have taught me things, and took care of me right? Not in my case. I have always taken care of them. I made sure no one messed with them in school. I had their backs no matter who it was or what the circumstance was. I made my friends be their friends too just so they wouldn’t feel left out. They didn’t have many friends growing up. They were in special classes and did not respond well to others around them. They had some mental health issues and epilepsy. I loved them anyways even if we just beat the shutout of each other 10 minutes ago.

I can remember a time where my sibling and I started fighting first thing in the morning right before school. We were going hard at home. My mother didn’t say anything. She just sat on the couch smoking her Marlboro cigarettes. All she said was you better not miss that fucking bus or you both will be fucking walking, I am not running you down to that fucking school. So we cooled it until the bus came. But then we started fighting on the bus and hitting each other’s heads off the windows. Our bus driver came back to separate us and he grabbed my sibling, and that was the worst thing to do, we both started yelling at the bus driver and pushing him away. We both felt bad, we liked the bus driver but he shouldn’t have got in the middle of it and he shouldn’t have put his hands on my sibling. Looking back it was wrong and disrespectful. At that time I felt like I could fight my siblings but you can’t touch them.

What no one understands is my mother was not right to them. She was too worried about what my dad was doing after she had my older siblings that she would stay with him out at his grandmothers and left my sibling with my grandmother, our dad’s mother to take care of. She couldn’t handle them, they cried a lot she said. She said my grandmother could handle them better. She would say it was too cold for her to keep them with her and my dad. I know she was full of shit. Yes, I judge her for it. She never bonded with my siblings properly and it showed as she was raising us. She had every excuse for why she couldn’t be a proper mother to them. She fucked them up. She fucked me up. So did our father but I blame her a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, I don’t know what I would do if she ever died, and I do take care of her, but she fucked us all up. And now takes no blame for it. She says she was a great mom. Well why do all of your kids blame you for how they are now?

I Get Off Topic A lot

I don’t mean to bad mouth my mother. No, I don’t. And there is plenty of shit I can say about my father as well but I feel like he has done more for me than she ever has even tried to do. I cannot say that about my other siblings though. My mother took care of our youngest sibling best but they are still screwed up in the head. She did better with them than she did us older ones though and I am not bitter about it I am thankful my younger siblings had more than we did and were able to do a lot more. I am so proud of them. I just wish my and my older sibling had some of what they got. I just hope that some day I cam successful enough not only to better my life but to also share my good fortune with my siblings as well. I know I will make sure they have a better life and I only hope to get them out of the slumps they are in and I am hoping to help my mom and dad grow, and lean and heal as well. We all deserve to be happy. I hope that one day I will be financially secure enough to help us all. Would they help me? Hard to say. My siblings most likely would. My parents would take what they got for themselves. If they did anything for us they will want it paid back 10 fold. They already act like we owe them, for what? I have no clue.

Looking back on my life, and seeing how my life is going right now scares me because it is repeating. My oldler siblings have not got set free from our generational curse. I am so thankful my younger siblings have and I am so proud but when will it be my turn? When will my older siblings and I get to feel that sense of pride, and stability? I don’t owe them anything but I want them to be great! I want us all to be the best we can be. I want to prove everyone wrong and show the world we are different. We are not letting our past run our lives. I hope one day I can be in a place where I can help my family overcome it all.

That Being Said

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