MADAFAKA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that reaction is what I want from you as you read this speech today. I know, crafting a humorous speech is hard, but allow me to give it a shot. I can do it! Just humor me.

I'll start by sharing an incident that happened when I was having a meeting with my boss in her enclosed office. Suddenly -- I FARTED! -- It's not loud and proud nor wet and wild, but it was silent but deadly.

Now if my boss is a young, handsome, billionaire CEO and this is a romantic story, the smell of my fart that day, turned it into a horror movie.

I saw my boss as she struggled to breathe as if in desperate need of a vaccine for COVID.

Now, imagine CNN and Fox News announcing - CEO killed by employee's deadly fart. I will be the policemen’s greatest nightmare because I can get away with murder. Evidence? Evaporated! Conviction? None! Case closed! Crime Solved!

Yes! There's a 99% chance that I'm guilty, but there's a 1% chance that my boss, confused by the smell, will ask me...

"Lowluh, did I just fart?”

To which I'll answer, "Yes ma'am, but you're forgiven,”

Unfortunately, it did not happen. She turned into a MAFIA boss instead and in anger, turned on the air conditioning unit. Big mistake! Huge! Because instead of making the smell go away — MY FART — from warm turned cold. Well, at least it cooled the bodies of whoever got the wind of it.

In my defense, I was sick that day, but I still went to work. If that's not a commitment, then I don't know what is!

If you're judging me right now because you think that I'm gross, then shame on you, Mr. and Ms. Perfect who hadn't fart before!

Have compassion! This is a serious matter. I could have lost my job that day! You heartless readers!

Nonetheless, my fart came and went but my relationship with my boss, though a little bit broken, survived the fart attack.

Regardless, I learned an important lesson that day.

IN LIFE, SHIT HAPPENS! Not literally. Well, that day...almost.

So did I make you laugh? NO! Okay, fine! I'll level up my game with another story.

Pre-pandemic, my family and I love to travel and when we do, I speak to my kids in English. Of course! I'm a toastmaster, I can speak in English using a tongue twister.

When my kids were small they love running around airports like escaped lunatics.

As a mom, using my traveling English accent, I called on them,

"Drix, stop running, madafaka!" (Madapa ka, in my language, means, 'you’ll trip over the floor')

"Henri, You! Madafaka too!" I shouted at my other kid.

I was hysterical, madafaka! Madafaka! Then airport security warned me, "Language please!”

Apparently, I sounded like a thug screaming, motherf*cker in a sophisticated western accent.

Realizing my hypocrisy, I ditched that fake accent and screamed in my native language, “Dong! Day! Tama na katakbo! Sus Ginoo!”

With that, I learned another important lesson that day.

When you mess up, clean up! It's time for me to be proud of my accent.

So, instead of saying, I love Harry Potter (British style) - I'll say - I lab Harry Patterrrrrr. I should be prrrrrroud of my Filipino acceeeeent, and so should you, madapaka!

Now, let me close this speech with my final story.

I was 14 years old, young and fresh, wearing my school uniform —- and my mom's panty.

What!? Are you judging me? I was a kid, I just grab and go!

Anyway, the panty was way too big, so I just put on a safety pin and walked to school, passing by neighbors along the way.

I was jumping and singing because I was a happy kid, until halfway through my walk, the safety pin, BETRAYED ME! I then felt my panty easing down my crotch singing, "Hello...it's me..." (by Adelle)

I panicked, so I walked faster. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! Because three steps on and my panty changed the song to, "Hello! Is it me you're looking for?" (By Lionel Richie) cause I could see it in the neighbors' eyes.

So I stopped! (collaborate and listen - ice, ice baby, come on!). But it was too late because my panty was in a full-blown Bruno Mars concert!

"Oh I love that panty, but you don't need it anymore! Yeah, I want your panty on the floor."

Hopeless, as my panty dropped, dying in humiliation, I knelt in the middle of the busy street and prayed.

Then...

I opened the side zipper of my skirt and pulled that madafaka panty up!

My dear readers, I'm not proud of these humiliating stories, but I learned lessons from them that I want to share with you today.

In life, shit happens!

If it does, clean yourself up!

If you can't, then kneel before God and help will surely come.

So, if I failed to make you go AHAHAHAHAHA while reading this speech, then it's either I'm a madafaka or you are!

PEACE Guys!