Loneliness

Has it ever crossed your mind, "What is wrong with me?" I feel like I'm constantly asking myself this question on the daily. Every time I try to get to know someone it feels like I am a bother after a while. Am I the only? Does anyone else feel this way? I mean we all want a soul mate, someone we can talk to, someone we can fall in love with, etc. Doesn't seem like I am wrong for thinking this way but when I think I've found the right one poof they are gone. Again, "What is wrong with me?"

I am slowly learning that not everyone is going to like me and I can't please everyone. I just need to be who I am meant to be. There is nothing wrong with me even when it feels that way. I know I am a nice, kind, caring, loving person. Just seems like I keep crossing paths with the wrong men. In all reality I know I am not alone in this but lately it seems as though it happens more and more frequently. It is a topic on my mind a lot lately, could be due to loneliness and maybe even my depression. The fact that being a single mom of two is sometimes overwhelming and sometimes I just want someone to share the happy moments and struggling moments with.

Usually I am a private person, I keep a lot of my thoughts and feelings to myself or hide it in my poetry. Although lately I feel the need to express how I am feeling since I seem to be failing at starting or finding a relationship. Just seems as though I am putting effort in where effort on the other end isn't matching up to be the same. Why do we waste our time doing that? Does it make us desperate? I suppose it doesn't just makes us human and wanting to getting to know the other person, however, it feels like pulling teeth. I guess I compare it to pulling teeth because I feel like I put in a lot of my time and effort to receive very little effort or be ghosted in return. It's like instead of telling someone you aren't interested you basically lead them on and then disappear. Relationships aren't magic tricks and it is completely frustrating.

Now I am just rambling but I guess I feel a bit better in regards to my thoughts. I still feel disappointment and don't understand where I went wrong but writing about it sure helped me to be reminded that I am not alone. Also reminded me that I have to cut losses where losses need to be cut. Time is precious, we should live each day as it comes and live in the moments. We need to cherish more of the moments we have instead of taking it for granted. I know there is a happy ending out there for me but right now a gray cloud looms as if there will never be but here is to looking to future days especially today!

Through it all I know I can survive on my own, but just like everyone else coming home to that special one makes the ending to a horrible day much better. Knowing you are going home to someone who loves you and is ready to listen. Someone willing to be a part in the parenting. Just being there for each other and know no matter the good and the bad you will get through it together. For now though I will go through it alone. I'll have faith and know all good things come in time.