Leaving my First Apartment

Change is enviable, but something I just don't do well with. In this economy it's almost impossible to stay living on your own, and I probably shouldn't have stayed as long as I did, but live and learn I guess. I was so proud that for the first time in my life I had something that I could call my own. Something that no one but myself could take away from me. For awhile living on my own was great. After awhile though my once proud accomplishment became a place of darkness and depression.

When I first moved in I almost felt like I was living out the movie Bridget Jones Diary. Had my own place, unlike her writing was just a hobby, single, really felt like I finally had it all together in a since. Once the pandemic hit and I started working from home that's when things started to shift. Now that I worked from home, I felt like there wasn't much reason for me to leave the house. For most people the lockdown made them go crazy, for me it was a relief, for my anxiety anyways. As you can imagine my depression got way worse over the years. I literally only left my house when I had to and even that was a big ordeal. I began to be agoraphobic which has been a whole other beast to deal with. Then this year once prices started rising on everything and I was living beyond paycheck to paycheck. I had to ask to borrow money, it was to a point where even if I did want to go do something I couldn't because I couldn't even pay my bills. It finally led me to simply walk away from my apartment because trying to keep up was taking a mental toll on me.

So where am I now? Well i am fortunate enough to have my younger sisters to stay with at the moment. I am sharing a room with one of them and its been quite the adjustment to say the least. But I am thankful that I at least have somewhere to go while I sort my life out. The craziest thing is that now I am no longer in the apartment I don't really miss it. I knew it was weighing me down but holding on felt easier than letting go.

This whole experience thus far has me looking at all aspects of my life and what I want to change or what still needs to be changed. Another big one that I know needs the change is my career. This is one that I've known about and wanted to change for a long time. I've been in the same place and job for 14 1/2 years. I'm at a point where financially and experience wise it's hard for me to just walk away.

The job I am in now, which is administrative and in the medical field, wasn't a career path I saw myself in. It was something that landed in my lap and at the time I really needed it. I just never intended to stay this long, but I am here now so it is what it is. Anyone that knows me knows that my true passion is in the arts. I've always been obsessed with movies, tv shows, books, music, its always lit a fire in me. Everyone always told me well those are good hobbies but they won't pay the bills. So I listened, I chose a career/job that was safe, which looking back I know it all happened for a reason.

I feel like now more than ever I owe it to my younger self to finally go after what makes me happy. I miss that girl that was so full of hope and passion, that got lost due to life experiences. If I could go back now I would hug her and let her know that things are going to be dark for awhile, but we will find ourselves again.

That's why I am really happy I found Vocal a few years ago. I've said it multiple times but this platform has just done great things for me as far as writing goes. It gets me to write more, and when a challenge sparks my interest I'll go for it just to try. I havent wrote as consistanly as I would have liked over the last two years, but again life happens. Thank you to all my new subscribers on this page, and your patience with me as I try to figure out where this page is going. Y'all will never know how much it means to me.