Last Friday In June

It is the last Friday in June. What did you accomplish this month? This month I got my living room, downstairs bathroom, and foyer (I guess that’s what to call it) deep cleaned. I managed to keep it clean. Nightly resets helped and waking up every day and refreshing it puts me in a good mood each morning. The Bad part about this is that I have not done much in any other room in this house.

My kitchen is always a disaster area and I hate that. That is where I need to cook supper for myself and the kids and I feel as if I could keep the dishes washed up and clean all the time I would mean prep and eat good things. I hate washing dishes. I know, I have to but I really hate washing the damn dishes. I have a mountain of dirty laundry. I have no idea where it comes from. Six people in my home and I am the only one who washes a dish or does a load of laundry. I am the only one who does any type of cleaning here. I do enlist my kids sometimes and I know I should make them do more but I hate how they whine and complain and then they do everything so half-assed and I end up going back over what they say they already cleaned. I guess I need to clean and have them follow me around and I show them how to properly clean and show them how I like things done. I still think that little assholes will give me piss-poor attitudes and bum-ass work.

The other adult in the house insists on living here and wants me to be happy in a loveless relationship that does absolutely nothing here at home. I suppose he works so he doesn’t have to do a damn thing. He doesn’t help with laundry except for his own. He takes out the trash and bitches and complains about having to do that. My dad gave us a riding mower because I was 8 months pregnant push mowing our big ass yard while he was inside in the cool AC playing video games. My dad was disgusted. His excuse was she wanted to do it for exercise. No, I didn’t, I just didn’t want snakes to come in our yard and bite me or the kids. This man will act like the mower or weed eater is junk and broken so he doesn’t have to do it. I call my dad to look it over and he finds nothing wrong with them. He tells him nothing is wrong with it except the operator. He will mow until my dad leaves and goes back inside, up to his game room, and starts playing his video game for hours on end. leaving the yard half mowed.

This is the same guy who the kids are scared of because he doesn’t know how to treat anyone and his usual reaction is to yell as loud as he can. Borderline abusive. I will always stand up for my kids when he tries to scare them into listening to him or tries to grip them up and be very aggressive with them. I am not a gentle parent at all, but I know what abuse is and he won’t touch my kids. He takes it way to far, then tells me I won’t tell him how to raise his kids. The fuck I won’t. I’ll kill you over them. Try me! (just kidding, right?)

Anyway, I can talk about his chump all day long but If I do it will ruin the rest of my day. Yes, I still live in the house, I have tried to get a house with the kids without him, I was so excited and almost there but they gave it to a family with a mom and dad instead of a “single mom” It is hard because I am in and out of jobs because I have a hard time mentally. I don’t want to get on disability, I want to write. That is what I feel I am good at. I am looking into other jobs though because I feel that I need to, to survive and save to get my own place. where I live it’s very rural so finding an empty place for rent only happens when someone dies, goes to jail, or they buy a home and rent the old one out. I can’t wait to someday buy my place and put it on my granddad’s land. Someday.

My Hopes for July

July is my birthday month. Ugh! I don’t like getting older. I remember my mom and dad at my age. I remember thinking my aunts and uncles had life all together at this age. I never realized how fast time flies until I had my kids. I wish we could slow down. My kids are growing up and I can not fathom them leaving me. I know, it will happen but can I just love them for a while longer? I hope before my oldest leaves the house I have a home I call ours at the place I have always called home. The only constant place I ever had. “Up Home” My granddad and grandmoms. They have always been there. They both passed now but I still get to go there and talk to them and just relive moments with them “Up Home”

This month I want to accomplish getting this entire house clean and organized. I want to purge and possibly have a yard sale. The 4th is this weekend so it’s going to be the same old I have done since I was a little tyke. Go “Up Home” to my dad’s and all my uncles and their wives/significates will be there and ill watch all of them get drunk while I am drinking as well because that is just what we do, and listen to that same stories I have heard a million times about days passed. Until one of them falls down, passes out, or starts fighting with their wife or significant other. One of them will leave drunker than hell, another will end up sleeping in their car until daybreak, and one will be sleeping in the yard. It’s a good time. But this year I feel like I don’t even want to be a part of it. This has been a constant in my life all my life. I am tired of seeing men I love doing this. They are older now, I have heard all the stories and I just want them to relax. Yes, I drink alongside them all and those stories are so great and funny but I am tired of it all. They all expect me to be there and to drink. I’ll admit that I can keep up, and I always have even when I shouldn’t be drinking. (underage) They always ask and wonder where I am if I don’t show. What would happen if I didn’t? I want to see them all, life is short and I don’t want to miss seeing them just in case it is the last time I get to. But I am over the same old shit.

I am going to try to not be the first one there, I am going to try and use my kids to leave early. They should understand, but who am I kidding my dad is a good dad he wasn’t always but he helps me a lot. I have always been my dad’s and uncle’s favorite. Well most of them. There is one that I don’t know about yet. I shouldn’t expect them to understand that I am leaving because of the kids one of them never had kids, and one of them signed all 6 of his kids off and does not have any kind of relationship with them, and it is weird because he has always treated me good and is my favorite, then the other one was a good dad from what I saw, he is going through a divorce now, and his kids are awful. They are disrespectful heathens so maybe he was too good of a dad but now he doesn’t see them or talk to them. The other one acknowledges his kids, and asks about his kids but never sees them or calls them. I am going to make it a goal of mine to drink one or two beers and then I have to visit and talk to them and I am sure to hear a story or two that I heard 53 times and I am going to leave. I am making myself that promise. Will let you know how that goes.

I got off the topic of what I want to accomplish in the month of July a little.

July Goals

Get the entire house clean, purged, and organized. Say NO to things I don’t want to do. Breaking those old habits that will be hard to break. Finding a workout that works for me and being consistent with it. I will meal plan and prep for myself. I will cook supper every night for myself and the kids. Eating out is a one-time-a-week thing. Water, Water, Water. Won’t spend money on things I don’t need. Preparing for and having a yard sale. Look for a good job whether it is a part-time or full-time job. I feel like this could take away time for all the other things but I have to do what I have to do because I am tired of this man I live with and tired of it being thrown in my face that he makes the money and it’s his. I am tired of bills being behind and I am tired of asking to buy stuff we need but he feels it is not a necessity. I am tired of him throwing it in my face about paying for anything for me so a real job for now is a must. Someday writing will be my job. (fingers crossed)

I want to work on routines with the kids and walk them through my cleaning process so I can delegate chores to them and they are done how they should be. I want to learn all I can. I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do but I need some education on it so I will turn to free courses and youtube. It’s a start. I cannot read out of a book. Yes, I can read, I love to until I have to read the same paragraph over and over again because I couldn’t remember what I just wrote or I realized I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t understand how I can be reading, literally reading something and at the same time thinking about something else simultaneously. That is my life. It is so frustrating and hard but watching videos and having audible really helps. Sometimes though I still can’t focus, but I try.

I want to find free stuff in my area to do with the kids. I say in my area but I won’t. I will travel just so I don’t see anyone I know. It is hard for me to commit to doing public things. I am so self-conscious but my kids deserve to do fun things. Maybe, I can find some things to do at home or with my siblings or parents as well. These are the main things July has in store. Whether I accomplish any of this depends on which Andi I will be in the coming weeks. I know my period is coming so I will be a bum bitch. But I must push myself to do better and be better for my kids. They deserve a healthy, happy, fun Mama.

Wish me luck!

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