I have a difficult time working

I've had my fair share of jobs already at age 21. I am not sure why, but I seem to change my mind often about what I want to do. I started out in waiting tables at a local pizza place, cooking and doing dishes and sometimes making deliveries. It was a good experience, and I loved being able to serve people. Food is a great mood-lifter, and it was a nice family setting. After that, I lifeguarded at a few places. At a YMCA, at outdoor aquatic centers over the summers, and at a retirement community wellness center once I got to college. My time at the wellness center was rewarding, I got to know some awesome folks. I also started work at a daycare center over a summer, and at an after-school program once school started back up. When the pandemic hit, I was lucky enough to not have to work for a while. Eventually, I started working for a few families whose children were doing online school, and we all got together every day for a Learning Pod. I served as a tutor and daycare provider.

I have always been a sensitive person, and work takes a toll on me. I am drawn to emotionally challenging work, as I have a big heart and not much to do with all that love. The Learning Pod got a little too draining for me, and I slowed down for another couple months. I got a puppy, and began training him as a service dog. Having his help makes living my life a heck of a lot easier. I'm anxious, sometimes depressed, and I am still dealing with the consequences of some of my more traumatic experiences. I am now working for an in-home care agency, which has been very rewarding so far. It is fantastic to enter into the homes of others, and serve them in whatever ways they need. It takes a lot of love and gentleness, which is my specialty. After a couple of moths, I feel it taking a toll on me. I work overnight and half-day shifts, so I am away from my home a lot. I spend a lot of time in the car, which isn't all bad. I enjoy the time to think, and listen to music and podcasts.

After a year off, I'm going back to college this fall. I don't know what it will look like (online or in-person), I don't know how long I'm going to have to go back for. I am finishing a music education degree. Music has been a constant in my life, and I can't imagine a career without it. I hope I can continue doing in-home care while I am in school, but it is a very emotionally demanding job, and I want to pour my love into music.

I find it difficult to take care of my body and mind. Don't we all? Sometimes I feel ashamed that I get burned out so quickly at jobs, but I take it as a sign that I give my all. I need a job that gives back to me, which is why I've settled on music. I am not sure where this career path will lead me, but a music education degree will give me a good chance to learn new instruments, get more lessons on instruments I already know, and hopefully connect me with local musicians.

I hate that I have to have a job, instead of focusing on myself and my future. I would be more clear-headed if I weren't always worried about my clients, my paychecks, my schedule. I would have more time to be creative, which is often the best form of therapy. I'd have time to go out and listen to live music, and I'd have time to see a therapist (something I haven't done in months). For now, I will power through, centering myself, my space, and my relationships.