I Am Dying Everyday

I will be thirty-five this upcoming birthday. Thirty Damn Five. I am nowhere near where I want to be in my life. I am getting closer and closer to my dying day. I live in America. The average lifespan of an American woman is 77 years old. I am overweight, I drink energy drinks, I stress myself out, my family stresses me out, money is a huge stressor for me, and my anxiety and intrusive thoughts put a lot of stress in my heart too. I take a slew of medications, and I am not sure I’ll even make it to 77. If I make it to 77 that means I only have 42 years to be with my children.

I don’t want to keep messing around for another five or ten years. I want to make something of myself NOW! I want to leave this world knowing my kids know I loved them and I did all I did to make sure they had a good life. I want to leave this world knowing they will be taken care of or at least have something to fall back on if they ever need it. I want to help my circle. (my circle is my siblings, my parents, my kids, and my niece and nephew) I want them to feel so good about their selves that they start to do what is best in their life and I would love with all my heart that I can do it before I ever have to go through the pain of losing one of my parents.

Squalor

I want to help my older sibling get out of the squalor they are living in. I want them to be proud of their home. I want them to feel good about themselves. I want to make sure he has a vehicle they don’t have to worry about breaking down or needing tires. I want them to feel good enough because they are great. Just stuck. I want to help my younger siblings too. I know I won’t need to help them a lot they have their shit together but I want to be there for them if they ever need me.

I want to make sure my parents finally have a place to call their own. I know they don’t need anything fancy but they need permanent homesteads. I want to make sure they don’t have anything to worry about. I want them to think that this part of their life is fulfilled and now they can work on healing their traumas. I want them to work on their health and live a good life.

Selfish Me

I want to buy out my family members and make sure my granddad’s land is never sold. I want to put my own house on the land that I get to design the way I want to. It will be very modest but It will fit my family well. (I already have it mapped out.) A 4 bedroom double wide with a big wrap-around porch, half of it is screened in so I can sit out there and watch it storm and take summer naps out there. My son’s rooms will be conjoined with a bathroom in the middle with double sinks, a shower/tub, and a toilet. My daughter’s room will be a basic room but I want her to have her own bathroom too with a sink, tub/shower, and of course a toilet. I will have a spacious kitchen, an open concept, a pantry, and a washroom. We will have a big fireplace in the living room and a huge 85-inch tv above it so we can watch our movies and shows together. I will have a huge bay window so I can see outside. My room will of course have a walk-in closet with my vanity inside it, a California king bed with all-white cushy, fluffy blankets, and a lot of pillows. I will have French doors in my room that lead out to my screened-in porch. Out there I will indulge and have a hot tub and a swing. Possibly a little cooler for my adult beverages. In my bathroom, I will have an antique claw foot tub. That is a must for me. A sink, a small shower, and a toilet that has a privacy wall.

My basement will be finished. I will have an extra washer and dryer available for my family to use if they don’t have one in their home. I will have a small stand-up shower, sink, and toilet for their use as well as long as they keep it clean. On the other part of my basement will be a little workout area. We will have two types of heating. Electric in all the rooms but also we will have a wood stove for those cold winter nights We will stay cool in the summer with a nice HVAC system that purifies the air.

I want one of those sheds that looks like a mini house with a little porch on it that matches the same color as my home. White with wood shutters. This will be my space. My office. On one side of the shed, I want it to have a solarium attached. I will put my desk out there and soak up the sunlight all day. It will have heat in the winter and air in the summer. It will have a very small bathroom with only a toilet and sink and mirror. I will have a mini fridge and a little snack cabinet in there as well.

I will have a vehicle solely for work purposes. That will be just mine. My dream car for that is a white BMW SUV four-wheel drive with a beige interior. Then I will have a vehicle that is for my family to enjoy. Something with third-row seating and four-wheel drive. I really want a new Jeep Wagoneer. I have to have a four-wheel drive where I live or you are helpless trying to get over the mountains into town or up your lane. I also want a vehicle that we take on adventures, through the woods and on back roads, and camping. Something we can beat up a little. I’ll be happy with my Dad’s old Ford if he ever gives it to me.

I would love to have a big tree house/playhouse for my kids to play on, and of course, a trampoline. I will have a tire swing in the biggest tree. I want them to enjoy being at home. I also have an idea or I guess I can say dream to dig a swimming pond. It will be treated like a pool but it’s a pond. I will have a wood fence all around it with peonies growing wild around the fence. We will plant a small garden together and maybe get some laying hens.

Accomplishing What My Heart Desires

I have no interest in finding a man, settling down, and getting married anytime soon. I want to do this all on my own for myself and my kids and to help my family without someone telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I tried long-term relationships and they all have been disappointing. I am still stuck in a situationship as we speak because I cannot afford to move out on my own with my kids yet. I am stuck being miserable with this guy. I desperately want to get out. I don’t want no hard feelings, I don’t want no ill will I just want out. I want to be able to support myself and my kids. He knows how I feel too but he is comfortable with me and too lazy to even try to date someone else. He said it is too much work. I will not disrespect him while living in the same house. I will not entertain other men. Honestly, I want no one. I want it to just be me and my kids and I doubt anyone can change my mind.

Finding My Way

I don’t know where I am going to end up. I hope I can make my goals and dreams a reality. I can do that and more with your help too. I won’t ask for money. However, I will ask you to take a chance on me and invest in my writing. I could be famous someday and you will be glad you invested in me and helped me keep writing and not give up. Please consider an investment. I also would appreciate you sharing me with others. If I can help just one person with my writing then that is a success story too.

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