How to Understand the Reciprocity Principle and Two Reasons Why it Matters to You

Reciprocity is a social norm of responding to a positive action with another positive action.

Examples of Reciprocity

Some adults may remember being told, when complaining that no one wants to be their friend, that to have a friend means you must be a friend. That is reciprocity.

If you find yourself surrounded by poker-faced individuals the fastest way to see some smiles is to give them. That, also, is reciprocity.

Reciprocity is the reason charity volunteers give you a paper flower and then ask you to donate your pocket change. It was the inspiration for the classic fairy tale of the Little Match Girl, selling individual matches to make money to eat. It's the reason your server delivers a mint with the dinner check, because statistically it will amount in a higher tip.

The willingness to give something to someone that has given you something, even if it is something you didn't want, is a classic use of reciprocity on the part of the charity, peddler, and server.

Have you ever bought a small gift during the holidays to have on hand 'just in case'? Just in case… what? Just in case someone gives you a gift you want to make sure you have one to give to them. That feeling of "I can't accept this! I don't have anything for you!" is the pressure of reciprocity acting on you.

Is many cultures the Principle of Reciprocity has many sayings used to explain it: "Karma", 'You give as good as you get", and "What goes around comes around".

There is a flip side to reciprocity, however. If someone treats us unkindly the urge is to respond in the same way. Aggression for aggression, curses for curses, and to take it back even further: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Reciprocity is not just giving kindness when it is received, it is also responding with indifference or even worse, hostility, when a negative action is received.

Why Reciprocity Matters to You

Reciprocity is a social norm, a rule that is generally accepted in many cultures. Understanding the principle in action and following it in the manner expected will make social interaction pleasant for all involved, and may make them more profitable for you.

People adhere to the Reciprocity Principle for many reasons: 

• They were raised to 'be polite'.
• They want to be seen as fair.
• They fear being perceived as ungrateful.
• They want to do the right thing.
• They are genuinely kind and want to help others.

In societies where reciprocity is practiced and recognized people that act outside of the bounds of this norm prompt those around them to respond with impatience, exasperation, and even anger.

Lesson ONE: Don't be That Guy

As a writer that self-promotes I belong to several social media groups where support, feedback, and invitations to share and read what each other write is not only commonly done it is expected.

Without exception I have seen 'link-bombing' done in every group. Typically one member asks a question or asks for feedback only to have another member respond with some variation of 'Here is my thing. Read it. Like it. Clap for it. Share it. Follow me. Subscribe to me.'

I mean. Really. At least buy me dinner or something if you plan to use me that way, amiright? 

Is this an exaggeration? Sadly; no it is not. And in a group where the majority of members act according to the principle of reciprocity (whether they know it or not), the reaction is usually follows the progression of 'what?!', 'the nerve', 'they always do that', amused contempt, public shaming, and then blocking the person from the group. I've even seen group set the bait for serial link-bombers, generating amusement among each other before the inevitable blocking and expulsion. 

Lesson TWO: Follow the Advice of Zig Ziglar

Zig Ziglar (1926–2012) was an American author , sales expert, and speaker. He worked hard for success and met life's troubles with a markedly positive attitude. One of his most famous quotes characterizes the Principle of Reciprocity: "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want."

Following this piece of Zig's advice when it comes to marketing a product, networking, or publicizing your creative efforts will have a positive impact on your results. Ignoring this piece of Zig's advice will compromise your results and could destroy your reputation.

The salesperson that tries to sell you the car, home, mattress, or equipment based on the commission they will receive and not to fulfill your needs is NOT helping you get what you want. They aren't practicing reciprocity.

That 'link-bomber' that responds to a question or request for advice with their own non-related and abrupt demand for attention is NOT helping other people get what they want. They are not outwardly focused, looking to help. They are inwardly focused and looking only to receive, and defying the norm of reciprocity.

However, the social media group member that asks people to share their profile links so that they can read other group members' writing and possibly follow them will find that they have increased their own followers at the end of the day. By helping other get exposure and recognition they receive it themselves. Perhaps not in equal measure- this isn't an incantation, it is a social norm- but they will see their own following grow.

The best way to be an interesting person is to show a sincere interest in others. The best way to receive meaningful feedback is to give meaningful feedback to others. And, for those that write for platforms such as Vocal and Medium, the best way to grow your following is to be a follower. This is reciprocity in action.

Caution: If this doesn't not come naturally to you at all take your time and focus. Make positive overtures slowly and be sure to follow through on any offers to assist that you have made. Be careful to keep the focus on helping others attain what they want, don't constantly check to see if you are receiving in return. An insincere action is worse than no action at all. If you apply the principle sincerely and consistently it will become easier over time.

Summary

Reciprocity is a social norm, practiced in many countries, of responding to a kind action with a similar kind action. Understanding the Principle of Reciprocity and applying it to social, business, and interpersonal relationships will make those relationships harmonious and mutually beneficial.

Focusing on helping other people achieve what they want and need will, in turn, result on you having your wants and needs met.

Don't ignore the Principle of Reciprocity as it will alienate you from groups and discourage people from helping you.

Keep the focus on other people, not on any gains you may receive yourself. People can smell a fake a mile away.

And if we all focus more on other people than ourselves, wouldn't the world be a better place?

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