Exeter, Stage Right

This linear work is curated word-for-word from journals, poems, and reflections written before and during my 2019 exchange trip to the University of Exeter. This is not a work of fiction. Emphasis, grammar, and all changes in font represent the genuine documents.

I have made this private self-correspondence public for the Vocal 2021 'Social Shock' challenge.

-

Picadilly Line to Leistr Sq.

East Finchley. 234. (High Barnet line of Northern Line.)

Monday meet outside Great Hall 9:00am

you will resent it unless you actually use these resources to get in better shape

wednesday

nervous for coming days... need to get my head in gear. need to life - why aren't I lifting?

I love it here am scared frugal—

the snow will come and rain I wonder how I'll feel...

foremost: love YOURSELF

Recall so long ago, that incredible pain, working, watching disenchanted, your sorely eye aching as never before— pessoa— the doctor— Latin— embaressment— do you recall—?

you love her? you don't even know her

Wednesday, 23/01:

• Shop - bread, eggs, etc. (bananas?), coffee
• Post Office <3 —> cute walking and exploring with K <3
• Finish Beckett, Djuna chapter
• Theo week 2 - Gregory; Augustine
• washing (?)
• prose 1 hour
• meditate 10 mins :(
• date w/ tias @ Old Firehouse —> I am being social, why does it feel like I'm not?

why am I feeling down? I should be glad to be here – and am. I ought to review myself...meditate mindlessly. You've made friends. You're not alone. Stop focusing on the desires that oppose you. You did not come here for that. Why did you come here? To study, be scholarly. To explore. To learn about the world and about myself. This agony is false, you are not pained, you are oh, oh so joyed! You must cease this disillusion. Study harder. Love yourself. Reflect on the life you left behind—you will be back to it oh so soon! Must keep moving forward, forward, forward... And write a damned letter to your grandmother.

L O N E L Y

everyone seems to be going out for dinner... shal I Join them—? Already, I feel unwanted.

"I hope we left on okay terms this morning. It was nice to meet you." meeting her was so wonderful and we shared an incredible time. why did she make things so weird? Should I have stayed? I regret having not, now... I do not know. Chatted w/ Hartlie! <3 spent the night w/ Cheryl... again...

did presentation! feel so elated—why was I scared; why am I ever scared? I contributed a lot...need to talk up more—! looking forward to Thursday

WRITING INFORMS YOUR THINKING

I wrote a nice scene of prose today (Oskar/PJ.). it feels good. On the flipside, I have the work break out I have ever had in a long time, and it simply destroys me. I barely feel like a person— I can't step out my room—it makes me hate myself so, so, so violenently. When will it end? 23 And THIS— It hurts, god, it fucking breaks me everytime........

you will destroy yourself if you do not utilise the resources of this place... you are falling into poor habbits— you are too interior. You must meditate. You once held the universe inside of you; needed nothing; departed those objects of desire... more than anything..... you have not worked out in two weeks... since the 5th. Three a week – that's all I ask of you, for now. How can you fear being in that gym with others? With people you shall never even see again—who's thoughts can and must mean nothing to you... get some grip... three a week – the changes will come. look inside. Amor Fati. you believed it once – you believe it still. You have been given the perfect life—you believe this. that means..... the perfect mind... perfect body.... perfect soul. there is no one on this earth but you. no one's even looking at you. the great engulfing dust of time wipes away it all—you are gone already... with the stars. think not of girls, of other... continue, deeper, in your studies. work out. work out for no one but yourself. Work out not to change, not for anything external. For yourself, you must do it for yourself... for the way it feels inside.

spoke to John, had a good interpersonal conversation. talked of Wallace, the detachment/duality of bereavement—of travelling to a new place and bringing all that behind you still along...

met Kate @ 10 am... and her friend— (name forgotten) nice, pleasant morning breakfast. Remember the view....

how deceitful time is... how soon I shall have returned to Adelaide

and how soon I shall have died

make the most of it always. every moment.

life is the joy beyond all joys.

how lucky I am to simply be alive.

B.H. (PJ)

he was a vagrant foreigner, able to see yet incapable of comprehending the histories which shadowed him. He was the singular, the sole, adrift an ocean of perished peoples.

Sunday 31/03

went and saw "Us" w/ Lucy, headache was delibitating levels of pain. Have been unproductive but learning to accept this. Pain severe and immense

Off-Peak Day Return Outward

Valid for one journey from EXETER CENTRAL to EXMOUTH date of travel 01-Apr-19 Valid via any permitted route. Adult Standard Class. 63330-3607-2092-22-03-01 10455:010419

FINAL DAY BEFORE A WEEK W/ NANA. feeling depressed, isolated, and lonely;I miss my family and my friends and Mushu so so much— ready to return :(

I have just returned from a week at Jean's (no notes kept)—Exeter feels repulsive to me. (lonliness?) (...) have assignments to do... need to write this english essay sickness3s PURE LONELINESS

READ WRITE READ WRITE

Thursday, 23/04:

• shop @ tesco
• boots? benzac...?
• evening walk
• re-read Bolin on Coetzee
• 400 words essay (Coetzee)
• 50 pages "Volcano"
• read Coetzee again

more than all else this trip will teach you about the relationship you left behind—the people back home whom you love admire respect and cherish. Your friends whom you will never take for granted again... your mother whom you must get to know even better than your already do. whom you must reveal yourself to in ways you've never done.

SEAN BEN HENRY MATT AUDREY TOM HARTLIE SEAN NIALL HUGH OLIVIA EDWARD JAMES BRADEN

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER NEEDED IS ALREADY INSIDE OF YOU.

undated. I am so, so, so lonely; and I have been so for much, much too long.

undated. it seemed not long ago that I was nostalgic for the earlier months of this trip... regular show and scrubs come to mind; Boston Tea Party and John and the Quay and Cheryl. I am still in all respects that very same person who not-all-that-long-ago had left. (I am lost myself.) I hate my face, my body, every part of who I am. I am so ready for this trip to end; yet, I will be home, and I will wish only to be here, to be away – somewhere, anywhere different – to be anyone but me.

undated. I went for a walk to campus this eventing, in order to check the location of my two-days-from-now exam, in what was possibly-almost-certainly my second-tolate occasion ever. all these things are coming to their closes. what an atrophic ending. what has become of me—? now is not the time for such sickening stagnation. I need to get my head together. I am so alone. I feel ugly and small and weak and every glance I get I am shattered into a million little pieces.

18/05/19. "it was nice to know you"—the words echo like a eulogy. I walk home. This both is, and is not, my home.

29/05/19. final day on campus today for a lunch with Sinead. Said goodbye to Serena w/ a hug downstairs. got my sim, my printed ticket, a nice haircut. all will be ending soon.

". I am in Love with the Fire of the universe, and on Fire with the Love of the universe. All of existence is beauty and all of existence is transitory. "To deny or regret change is unhuman"—and I both believe and know it. I would not change a single moment of my being, for it has brought me here.

08/. Spent the day w/ Serena at the National Gallery + the Portrait Gallery. Chats about art and poetry and literature and morality and philsophy, simply wonderful. I really overcame (discarded) those pains when I was with her. I really do hope to see her again—(other convos—if recalled...—pausing music to listen to conversations, TV SHow RECS?) Hold the happy moments.

09/. Saw Henry IV P2 today—very hilarious show, even better than the first. Empty market--cross the bridge--two pints and Runaway Soul—-a burger, delicious food + hospitality--tickets and M+S, coffee--the show was truely amazing, a wonderful crowd, too – might end up seeing P3. Also, the dancing @ the very end, the Jazz: DO RECALL

14/. "What a small world, I saw that man on the tube yesterday"--"hi"--"hello". How utterly delightful—to be recognised—to be identified as 'man'

15/. Brief reflections on previous experiences. Two days ago father and I went to the British Museum (darting in due to the rain, changing our plans) and saw the manga exhibiton (Naruto, S Moon, DragonBall, AOT, One Piece, etc.) as well as the Samurai exhibition and the drawings of Rembrahnt. We then went to the Dickens' House (where I eventually realised a large pimple had erupted, changing my demenour entirely, changing everything). It was very nice. Yesterday we went to Toff's and I went for a walk on my own, purchasing some stories of Gogol.

Thank you for reading. If it was worth your time, tips of any size contribute to my living, and are greatly appreciated.

If you enjoyed this story but do not wish to tip, sharing it also makes a difference, and pressing the heart hits an algorithm.

with love

- T VV