Cart Before the Horse

A mystery to be solved at a later date, I suppose. Yet, in deep diving into the desert that is personal growth, it still powers a witching hour pacing session for two decades since it was introduced. It's the best thing for a restless night awakened from other obsessive nightmares topics. If I may break from the subject a second, I love a good paradox to meditate angrily like a trap without any binds or restraints to take it seriously. This one is forever tiresome and functions with a legitimate living specimen. The complete lack of vision in their vision, passion devoid of devotion, all with hope so worthy of ridicule, it'll jump-start adulthood and confound a mathematician from twenty-three paces. To this examination, my childhood, I warn of its effect can be a sort of spiraling infinitely without progress or direction of any validity. However, this enduring wooden rollercoaster that's beyond too creaky for that seventh loop. The Father mystery wears the mechanism to implosion to the point of a vacuous finality. If you can excuse the nauseating discomfort of too much cotton candy, it goes as follows: 'After your mom and I get rid of our car for an SUV for my hip, we're going to buy that house out in the country. Then I'll see about getting a job.'

This exercise will be broken into three sections involving the identifying key of key attributes that create the conflict of positive influences.

I mean, come on.

A preposterous order advancement of his life dragging a cruise liner load of proofs of concept I picked up on as self-defeating lies. Otherwise, I'd have called them ramblings of someone out of touch with the ground beneath him. It began at the age of nine, but by this point, our family unit was four moves in. The Dad led the charge to Jamestown in 02' to an immaculate split foyer home, 1,790 square feet, providing the Jones in the cul-de-sac with a jewel to behold. Upon leaving his last place of employment, a plastics manufacturer, I maintained some healthy skepticism, as much as a kid who spelled it with two Cs could, but was gleefully mistaken. We had suffered the unkindness of poverty before but hadn't the clarity at the time to understand the ins and outs. Despite not having the required license or prior experience with the machinery considered the most highly cutting-edge equipment in product development in the tri-state area, that would be his daily partner; he'd motivate them as a salesman. One he could send to the Sultan of Bruni to sell the lemon machines with a twenty percent markup. I used to think it strange that after getting these jobs, his main life lesson after his first day was, 'I want you to be better than me--grow up better than I did.'

As with good times, they came, etcetera, but the fallout of another night park for a five-member dash in the night. Some rental property with a lease option, once again missing the details to catch us as we were picking rooms. And thoroughly missing point. This was the way, and putting any question in the forum cost me. An empty penny bank for every inquiry aimed toward the end of our repeated disjointed traveling. I would've settled for a choice of where, but I was gifted with how poverty-stricken these last two moves have been. Doing my due diligence for the house with money earned through scavenging and marked-up bouncy ball sales seemed off. When I was mowing lawns and putting my rebellious skate for weekend party money, it was an insult to my essence. The household remained silent about the Juvenile Tax Collector, who was and still is looking for a new home as I said goodbye to my former track team.

Why rent when you can't buy?

As my perception grew, the pattern let out signals to the impending, orange-tinted dash from the city or town to some house we had never seen and weren't quite sure existed. Middle school presents the most persistent friend turning the countdown to a doomsday clock. Promises made on the instruments I'd never master, pawned every month or so thanks to some bill or purchase made in bad faith on a whim. Typically, his need for the lavish at times would be placed higher than our Christmas gifts, food quality, and school events. Every three months, we'd get new DVD players of worsening capabilities to hook up to a cheaper and cheaper living room television. Each Epiphone, Ibanez, Peavy with accompanying amp, an ultimatum between being pawned or sold to be replaced at the 'whenever' date. It made birthdays a relatively fleeting summer fling, never quite long enough, with the added bonus of paying to have no presents the share with friends.

In the summer of '09, The Pops comes home from a job for the last time again. I picked up on this by his third weekday home and changed the subject with a grace that brings envy in a ballerina. This wasn't for me, however, but my mom was in her home office on her 60th Saturday straight. Another three-bedroom two bath home with the above-ground pool, beyond their means because...

At one battery company, he disliked how they spoke to him when providing criticism. A Swedish furniture designer offered him a promotion and then abruptly fired for an unknown reason. Forklift driving fit his skill set, if not his entry resume, but somehow, with barely a scrap on his record, it led him to one of his entrepreneurial periods. This was when I noticed the problem firsthand. This was when I witnessed the problem firsthand.

The Man is allergic to work, 'Where's my applauds?'

I mean tasks of medium to strenuous difficulty performed at tedium for usually extended times for a reasonable reward or payment. At length, he'd describe my duty once the surprise January spring cleaning started. Don't want to leave our future former home in tatters, obviously. I should smile a little when I help him move the customer's furniture, vacuum thoroughly in all corners, and wait, remembering where all the nick-knacks went. As nervous as being in a stranger's house doing their chores, but vacuuming my room seemed easy enough, having learned that and dishwashing on my eleventh birthday. We arrived with our rented carpet cleaner and Food Lion vacuum cleaner, and at a moment's notice, the script flipped. Now, this was a demo for business to come making Ms. Janis a test run for the cleanest carpets in town. She'd had to pay extra for the top-tier service after this. I don't know what that service would entail or if we did a good job, but a week of hanging flyers led to nothing and was fifty bucks shy of nothing.

Breakfast sandwiches that could cause weeping in his morning breakroom from smell alone, except I have to get up two hours before the school bus to cook the sausage and bacon for each order. There's nothing wrong with Door Dash, given the situation, but if you don't follow the GPS, you find out how much rating matters. It doesn't help that with no driver's license, and the account can't be in his name, not that they can't get one. Dog breeding is, at times, strenuous, and training takes no light touch as an amateur. But bought a Pitbull and became overwhelmed within three months. My mom, getting swamped by poor digestive habits and overactivity in a rather small space, put the dog in my lap, where I had the means to take him in. My mystery comes with why I feel guilty for refusing to pay tribute to a pit draining me in a swirl that puts a black hole on notice. If I had grown up with a shifty thief for a co-parent, at least he wouldn't be a complete void in the household, and the job gaps would make more sense.

A perpetual need to guilt their offspring for survival--much-needed survival as a show tribute to his eighteen years of back-breaking work. My count shows no more than nine, and as an adult, he retired six years before most would consider while unemployed the previous three and six months behind on rent. Where I'm responsible for this in his logic is unclear. And why it's still somehow news after the twelfth text for another nickel and a few more dimes in three months, asking my siblings and me separately for maximum payout? Is it a delusion or part of his upbringing that manifested in a way they refuse to see? I can't say it hasn't been an education. It's not even fair to say nothing positive has been discovered. It may not have provided much, but not becoming that sort of human offshoot destined to bleed great luck to be flushed every hour is a hell of a motivator. Hears to The Old Man. You warned us. I can't deny that.