Breath into Her

They tell me to breath life into her, but that's what I'm afraid of.

They say "Maybe you're not healing from the past, because you're trying to be who you once were, and that person is gone. There is a new, strong being, trying to be born. Breath life into her, and let her come forth."

But she's cold, and unbecoming. I feel her, and there's a darkness. I know once she comes out there will be many wars started, and she wont stop. She seeks solitude from everyone, and everything because it has all been poison.

So why am I afraid to let her out? Because my biggest fear is being alone. And I know once she destroys everything, that's where we'll be. Alone.

See she's fine with it. In fact solitude seems to be her comfort wrapped in a thought process of "If I'm going to be mad at anyone, disappointed, and let down by anyone, let it be myself. Let me only have myself to blame, and myself to depend on. Let my being be my sole worry, and provider. I can handle myself."

Where as I worry. I worry about family, and why I can't seem to hold on to any. Past, present, future. Individuals slip through my fingers like sands of time.

They say tough times bring out the realest of people, and all I've found is there's no one there. Friends, family, strangers, no one. In a world that broadcasted Christianity, and doing the right thing from the goodness of your heart, expect nothing in return. The "word" has turned to tar.

No one does anything without expecting SOMETHING now adays. No one trust a stranger, to help a stranger, and who could blame them? Media has made us a society of fear. And because everyone swept the bad person in the family under the rug, instead of turning them in, we basically trust no one with a smile on their face. We always question their motives. And if we can't even trust the people we know, why then would we trust a stranger enough to help them, or let them help us?

If it's not sexual, it's financial. Everyone claims they're renting these homes and apartments out at a fair rate, when in all honesty they're price gouging and they know it. So much for Christian beliefs there too huh? NO, neighbors seem way to concerned with what's in their wallet, than the struggling mom of 4, that's about to be homeless because even a simple 3 bedroom is $700 out of her range. And then you expect them to make 3 times the rent to qualify.

And jobs aren't going to pay that much because to many people see minimum wage jobs, as high school jobs. Which if that was the case, a lot of people need to stop getting breakfast and coffee out. High schoolers don't work in the morning. Most don't work at lunch either. But if you tell a high ranking business official to start packing their lunch from home, since the minimum wage ADULT isn't "deserving" for a descent living wage, they'll laugh in your face and say YOU'RE out of line.

Your life, your kids lives, are none of their concern. As long as they can get away with paying you the BARE minimum, so that there's more money in their pocket to take that summer trip to Italy, put THEIR kids in a top dollar private school, by that new model car and phone that JUST came out. Who cares what your kids will eat tonight. Who cares if you're even going to be able to provide a roof in 9 days.

You do everything by the books, the way you were raised. You work hard, care about others, you're there for family when they needed your help, you helped strangers and expected nothing in return, you gave everything you had to make sure your kids never felt like they had less than, and what do you have to show for it? Homelessness.

But people don't think about that. They just take advantage of the poor and hard working. And if we dare ask for a handout, we're shunned and put down immensely. As if we don't beat ourselves up enough for becoming this burden on society.

And with family always fighting amongst each other, back stabbing, manipulating, lying, screwing one another over. Why run into any of that with the expectations of decent help?

So I get her. I do. Wanting to shut the world out. Wanting to be cold and unforgiving. Wanting revenge on every person we've helped, that's done nothing but close door after door in our face. Wanting to run so far away, from everything.

But I just can't breath life into her bitterness. Not when I feel like there still must be beauty left. Somewhere. Nobility, chivalry, humanity, can not be truly dead....can they?

And I just can't give up the will to fight for that light either. I have kids, I have 4 little faces that expect me to smile when they look at me. I can't just breath life into her.

I have to blend WITH her.